( Not a cop-out answer for him - he means it. His broom drifts a little, in time with the slow coming of his thoughts. )
... I want... to do right by someone. To make them happy. Someone who deserves it. And I don't.
( Maybe, when he was younger, he would have framed it a little differently - but, no matter how he's viewed it, he's never wanted to be happy for himself. His happiness has always been a leech unto another's. )
[It certainly is. When life turns into an abyss that has no end, the moments that pass feel both like grains of sand and an bottomless pit. The loneliness aches, and as much as he wants to address it, it's the one point he can't genuinely respond to.
Because Mika isn't wrong. It is a horrible thing, to go through life alone.]
...Dear Mika has a kind heart underneath.
I wonder, though. If you found someone to make happy, what would you do if they declined?
Would you want to watch someone, who you desire only happiness for, say to themselves that they don't deserve it?
It's an important feeling. To want to help someone understand... it can make one particularly stubborn.
[A chuckle, though it's very quiet.]
Wouldn't your special person want the same for you? To be stubborn, to tell you every day until you understand, that perhaps you deserve to be happy as well?
That you deserve to remember, and be, under the stars, regardless of what you were or are or might become... just like anyone else?
Could that want for happiness be your starry sky, so long as you let yourself experience it, too?
( Mika... purses his lips, brows furrowing. A teaching moment, huh. But he considers it, at least.
He casts his gaze to the starry sky - and then to the ever-distant lights of some settlement far, far away, nearly swallowed by the night, even with his improved vision. )
... If my happiness were important to their happiness, I'd try. But... I'll only consider it if it happens.
( Because... it wouldn't. No one would value Mika's happiness so highly - to dog him day in and day out. And... that's okay, even if no such person exists.
His gaze returns to Solomon. )
... I don't mind if they use me, in the end. Just as long as they don't throw me away. That would be enough of an anchor for me. One the stars and skies could never compete with - not even for a moment.
( Solomon's advice is good - he can't deny that. Mika's damage just runs deep - intertwined with his fear, his insecurity, his loneliness, trapped up inside a mind that strains against what a teenager can understand. )
[Mmm. He feels this may be as far as they cam stretch this little impromptu session. But so long as he's given Mika something to think about, Solomon thinks he can be satisfied.]
So long as it is your anchor, dear Mika. Just be careful that it doesn't turn into a chain.
[He carefully maneuvers his broom, a casual stretch of his arms over his head.]
I'm aware that you don't quite care for me. [It's said simply as he crosses one leg against the other, letting the broom slowly adjust for his weight.]
If you find that feeding from those you trust becomes too difficult, or if you worry about how you appear to those you may want to be happy... then you may come to me.
It will not be free. But it's a choice I will offer you to make if you wish, while you still can.
( Mika doesn't seem entirely satisfied with that answer - he's not signing a blank check. Or... he wouldn't, if he had more choice. If he has to get willing donors, he can't exactly be a chooser, here... because he highly doubts the random humans in town are going to be anywhere near as forthcoming with their blood if they don't even trust wizards to begin with.
Solomon's following remarks, though, give him pause. It reminds him of what Tatara said earlier in the night. )
... What? You guys don't think you can trust my word anymore?
( God, this is a lot to take in... How many people don't know? He's being generous and assuming Ginger doesn't. Ugh... )
This is the sort of thing you call a group meeting for when you realize it's a problem, not a thing you mention when you see people, and only if you feel like it.
( But he can't really be the one to tell off Wanderer when Wanderer fairly came down on him for futzing up, so... Ugh. He'll try to mention it to people (he cares about) when he sees them.
He exhales. )
... Well, I'll do a favor equivalent to the favor done. No promises. But the price better be fair, or I'll refuse to pay up.
( He's got enough of an earful over it - a little bit from the people helping heal, a lotta bit from Wanderer, a stern word from Tatara, and puppy eyes from Ginger. His hands are tied.
The mention of Tatara, however, makes him hesitate. He still feels guilty. )
... Maybe one of us can make a PSA while he's recovering. He really shouldn't be doing much right now.
Good. You have plenty of people who don't want to see this happen to you again. Doing better for the next time is the best we can strive for.
[Some good ol' pragmatism to help drag this poor child out of the pit he's fallen into. Even if he doesn't climb towards the surface, at least they can face him the right direction.]
He shouldn't, but I wouldn't be surprised if Tatara's an unruly patient.
I can tell some of the others as I'm able, but I don't know how many of them will believe it unless it comes from one of our mentors. Either way, if promises have been made, there's nothing that can take those back now. We just have to ensure they aren't broken.
( "Plenty of people"... a frustrated expression crosses his face - he can't articulate why, other than... he doesn't deserve it. But he bites it back this time; he's already said it plenty earlier in the night, and none of his insisting has been successful. )
... I'll mention it where I can.
( If he feels like being helpful toward a person. Not guaranteed. Mika really shouldn't be a messenger.
He exhales... casting his gaze out toward the dark horizon. )
... This is all so complicated.
( Not the first time he's said that since his arrival, and it probably won't be the last. He's just... exhausted - from tonight; from the people; from the new rules; from... being dragged from his grave again. )
Would you like to stay out here for a little longer?
[It's a quiet, casual response. There's been enough lecturing, and the night has been long.]
We don't need to speak. And we can go back, if you would rather remain in your room. But I think, regardless, you should let yourself rest. Even if it's just for a little while.
He glances at Solomon from the corner of his eye, before his gaze returns to the horizon. He's quiet, briefly. )
... Still offering sympathy to a monster?
( But... the way he seems to shift and settle on his broom suggests that - he might take Solomon up on that offer, and just... stay. If only for a little while. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
What is it that makes it empty? That you feel alone? Purposeless? Or is it just that it's too much of an unknown?
no subject
( Not a cop-out answer for him - he means it. His broom drifts a little, in time with the slow coming of his thoughts. )
... I want... to do right by someone. To make them happy. Someone who deserves it. And I don't.
( Maybe, when he was younger, he would have framed it a little differently - but, no matter how he's viewed it, he's never wanted to be happy for himself. His happiness has always been a leech unto another's. )
... But the world is too big to live in alone.
no subject
Because Mika isn't wrong. It is a horrible thing, to go through life alone.]
...Dear Mika has a kind heart underneath.
I wonder, though. If you found someone to make happy, what would you do if they declined?
Would you want to watch someone, who you desire only happiness for, say to themselves that they don't deserve it?
no subject
The question, though, makes him furrow his brow - picturing Yuu, or even Ginger, saying something like that... )
... I would make sure they find happiness, no matter what. Even if they think they don't deserve it. I'd tell them every day until they understand.
no subject
[A chuckle, though it's very quiet.]
Wouldn't your special person want the same for you? To be stubborn, to tell you every day until you understand, that perhaps you deserve to be happy as well?
That you deserve to remember, and be, under the stars, regardless of what you were or are or might become... just like anyone else?
Could that want for happiness be your starry sky, so long as you let yourself experience it, too?
no subject
He casts his gaze to the starry sky - and then to the ever-distant lights of some settlement far, far away, nearly swallowed by the night, even with his improved vision. )
... If my happiness were important to their happiness, I'd try. But... I'll only consider it if it happens.
( Because... it wouldn't. No one would value Mika's happiness so highly - to dog him day in and day out. And... that's okay, even if no such person exists.
His gaze returns to Solomon. )
... I don't mind if they use me, in the end. Just as long as they don't throw me away. That would be enough of an anchor for me. One the stars and skies could never compete with - not even for a moment.
( Solomon's advice is good - he can't deny that. Mika's damage just runs deep - intertwined with his fear, his insecurity, his loneliness, trapped up inside a mind that strains against what a teenager can understand. )
no subject
So long as it is your anchor, dear Mika. Just be careful that it doesn't turn into a chain.
[He carefully maneuvers his broom, a casual stretch of his arms over his head.]
I have a suggestion for you, if you'd hear it.
no subject
... What is it?
no subject
If you find that feeding from those you trust becomes too difficult, or if you worry about how you appear to those you may want to be happy... then you may come to me.
It will not be free. But it's a choice I will offer you to make if you wish, while you still can.
no subject
... And what would the price be?
( He's not waiting until he's hungry to ask. )
no subject
[An eye for an eye.]
As much as I would like to bind you to that, a promise is the last thing we should be doing. So do not give me your word.
Just keep it in mind.
no subject
Solomon's following remarks, though, give him pause. It reminds him of what Tatara said earlier in the night. )
... What? You guys don't think you can trust my word anymore?
no subject
His expression thins slightly, eyes sharp.]
No, Mika. That's not it.
To make a promise in this world is to put your power on the line. If you break a promise - any promise - your magic is forfeit.
"A man who can't keep his word isn't a man worth upholding", is what I was told.
no subject
pause, )
—Is that not something we should've been told on the first day?
( GINGER )
no subject
[He genuinely looks apologetic... sorry you had to find out from him and not like... someone trustworthy and nice and respectable, buddy.]
I told our little sparrow to correct that mistake before we ended up with thinner numbers, but it looks like he wasn't as successful as I'd hoped.
no subject
This is the sort of thing you call a group meeting for when you realize it's a problem, not a thing you mention when you see people, and only if you feel like it.
( But he can't really be the one to tell off Wanderer when Wanderer fairly came down on him for futzing up, so... Ugh. He'll try to mention it to people (he cares about) when he sees them.
He exhales. )
... Well, I'll do a favor equivalent to the favor done. No promises. But the price better be fair, or I'll refuse to pay up.
no subject
Don't let yourself go too long and I'm sure it will be a very simple request.
[AKA if you try to kill him because you ran away into the woods, then he is going to have to get creative!]
I'll be sure to have a talk with Tatara once he's regained his strength.
no subject
... I'm going to take care of it. I have to.
( He's got enough of an earful over it - a little bit from the people helping heal, a lotta bit from Wanderer, a stern word from Tatara, and puppy eyes from Ginger. His hands are tied.
The mention of Tatara, however, makes him hesitate. He still feels guilty. )
... Maybe one of us can make a PSA while he's recovering. He really shouldn't be doing much right now.
no subject
[Some good ol' pragmatism to help drag this poor child out of the pit he's fallen into. Even if he doesn't climb towards the surface, at least they can face him the right direction.]
He shouldn't, but I wouldn't be surprised if Tatara's an unruly patient.
I can tell some of the others as I'm able, but I don't know how many of them will believe it unless it comes from one of our mentors. Either way, if promises have been made, there's nothing that can take those back now. We just have to ensure they aren't broken.
no subject
... I'll mention it where I can.
( If he feels like being helpful toward a person. Not guaranteed. Mika really shouldn't be a messenger.
He exhales... casting his gaze out toward the dark horizon. )
... This is all so complicated.
( Not the first time he's said that since his arrival, and it probably won't be the last. He's just... exhausted - from tonight; from the people; from the new rules; from... being dragged from his grave again. )
no subject
Would you like to stay out here for a little longer?
[It's a quiet, casual response. There's been enough lecturing, and the night has been long.]
We don't need to speak. And we can go back, if you would rather remain in your room. But I think, regardless, you should let yourself rest. Even if it's just for a little while.
You've been through quite a lot today.
no subject
He glances at Solomon from the corner of his eye, before his gaze returns to the horizon. He's quiet, briefly. )
... Still offering sympathy to a monster?
( But... the way he seems to shift and settle on his broom suggests that - he might take Solomon up on that offer, and just... stay. If only for a little while. )
no subject
No. Not to a monster.
Just to Mika.
[From one warping husk of humanity to another. A moment of solitude, of careful quietness, before facing the world and its cruelties again.]