[ It’s not as easy of an answer for Ginger. He think… being careful would make him happier. It hurts when he’s with Rum because the chance of heartbreak is high - and he’d die without him, he’d die alone.
Mika… Mika won’t break his heart. They’re not in love, but they care for each other. Deeply, he thinks. Mika is his heart’s guardian angel, in a way.
And Mika is not and should never be a replacement for Rum. They’re both important to him in different ways. They’re both special, one of a kind. ]
Controlling it… It’s important that you have… a choice. I’m not tying you to me. [ But - please, please choose to stay, until you go back to your Yuu-chan. ] What would make me happiest is if seeing me made you smile with your heart, like you did earlier.
[ It was pretty. ]
Mm. When you feel like smiling, I hope you do. I want to see all your smiles.
( Mika's busy pondering Ginger's answer when he continues, catching Mika off guard again. Jeez... He hopes it's not too obvious that it flusters him - he doesn't have much pride, but it is a little embarrassing. He's not really used to someone being so invested in him - other than Yuu. )
... I think... I stopped smiling around everyone but Yuu-chan. But...
( ... It's been easier to smile around Ginger. Maybe because they're similar? But not - the same. Mika wouldn't be able to stand seeing himself in a mirror; he hates himself too much. Ginger is comfortable enough to understand, but foreign enough to care about.
Maybe he's leaning too much on him. Is he being unfair? (The worries return...) Ginger seems to like their arrangement, though. He's... too caring, Mika thinks. )
... Why don't we keep it simple? You visit me whenever you want, as much as you think is reasonable. ( Controlled, to Ginger's own standard. ) And I'll visit you whenever I want. So you know it's my choice.
( And... if Ginger gets him to smile then, well, it'll be genuine, so... that should make Ginger happy. (The both of them tossing the happiness ball back into each other's courts,) )
[ (It’s a happiness tennis ball, so Ginger will bring it back to Mika every single time, wag wag) ]
Mika, you’re brilliant! That’s a good plan. [ He’s wagging now - though his metaphorical tail did slow to an uncertain stutter when Mika mentioned that he’d stopped smiling.
He hopes Mika will talk to him enough to fill in the emptiness of two years; he hopes Mika finds reason to smile at Yuu-chan again, at Ginger, at the things he likes. The things they both like. And maybe -
Maybe… one day Mika can talk about himself and smile. ]
( In the wake of Ginger's words, he hears - the dying gasp of the children at the orphanage; Yuu's scrambled footsteps as he runs away. He's really bad at making plans, normally. But he's always haunted by these memories, so this isn't enough to make him falter - there's just a moment where he seems to dim before he regains himself.
Despite everything said so far, and though Ginger is unique to him, Mika doesn't consider himself unique to Ginger - which is good. It limits what damage Mika can do to him, he thinks. And he wants to take good care of Ginger and his heart while they're both here, without Ginger suffering the consequences of his association.
He's just glad he can make Ginger happy in these small ways, right now. )
... Don't complain when I pester you, then.
( He doubts Ginger would, but, he teases slightly anyway. Mika has less anxiety about being a nuisance - he'll easily come by once a day or night just to see what he's doing and hang out while he does it.
His cool palms press lightly against either side of Ginger's neck where it meets the shoulder. )
Your pulse changes a little bit when you're happy. You know that?
( He's not sure how it feels to admit that, but he can't help that his senses are attuned to blood. One palm runs up along the length of the neck, coming to a rest at the corner of his jaw - fingers curling light into the hair, almost barely brushing against the skin.
Lingering along the arteries is a tricky thing - it's hard as having a ripe fruit in your hand, and not biting into it. But he can control it right now. It... really has become easier, since he started to eat more regularly. )
... I think it affects the taste, too. ( It's a little muddled under what the bite forces victims to feel, but. ) Though - you should feel how you want.
( Mika foreseeing a future where Ginger gets hung up on being happy for Mika's palate... )
[ He laughs a little, soft in the quiet of Mika’s room. What a strange… compliment? He’ll take it as one. ]
I’ll put that on my resume.
[ Does Mika want him to tilt his head? He leans into the hand at his jaw, exposing more of his neck to the dim light. Not quite a nuzzle. Puppy behavior, honestly. ]
I… think the end result will be the same. [ Because, well. ] Are you sure it doesn’t make you uncomfortable?
[ He’s almost certain it’ll just happen again and again. Dreads the day it happens outside of feeding. If it’s with someone other than Mika… ]
( He can control it... He can control it........,,,,, Ginger presenting his neck to him - troubles the part of him that loathes everything about himself as it pertains to vampires, but it - really stirs something in him, in that bestial and primal part.
He takes Ginger's jaw, his cheek, a little more firmly, like a caress, his face sinking closer...
Oh, Ginger asked a question, uh, sorry he was distracted, )
... I... Well— I just feel bad leaving you to it... mostly.
( He looks up from where he is, cheek nearly at rest on Ginger's shoulder. It's hard for him to say if it's uncomfortable or not because it's such a weird situation... It's an impersonal boner; Mika barely registers sex; it's kind of the bite's fault, and Ginger's dad's... )
... Are you sure I can't do anything to help?
( Don't ask if he has an idea because he doesn't; at least, not right now, short of the vampiric devil on his shoulder that suggests sucking more blood so none of it can go down south. )
[ The problem with names is: once it becomes important to him, familiar in the way it feels on his tongue, the name can be said with a million different inflections.
He says Mika’s name in red, heavy in the air and like a plea.
It’s the affection, but also the way Mika settles in his arms, head by his shoulder. Mouth by his neck where that feeling will scorch him from within. Those lips say his name. To his shame, he already feels the start of it - just on memory alone. ]
I can’t ask that. [ It would be a mistake. He’d make himself sick. ] I don’t want to desire you in an impossible way.
[ And it would, at that point, become desire. Even worse, a habit, another need. And then his wicked mind would be free to think of all the ways Mika could… help. ]
Mika lifts his head, realizing - the most obvious outcomes in their minds run different. Mika would have sooner come upon the idea of a cold soak (and an offer to keep everyone out from the baths...) than, well, what Ginger seems to have thought of. And he feels a little guilty for it. Insensitive, maybe?
The way Ginger says his name lingers in his mind. )
( ... "I think that urge is supposed to feel nice when it’s with someone you love"... )
... Sorry.
( He says, again, a little more settled. Setting aside the sort of insane things Mika may or may not be willing to do for the people he cares for... He thinks it'd just hurt Ginger, in the end. It's not really worth whatever it might help Ginger with in the short term.
Mika would love it, if Ginger offered his neck to him all the time. But it'd hurt him, the Mika trying to be normal, in the long run, he thinks. It's probably something like that. )
Um... If you accidentally think of me, or something... I get it. I'm not gonna get weird about it. Same thing with... how the bite makes you feel. Because... I know that's not normally how you feel about me. The way I don't... see you as food, and stuff.
But... sorry if I accidentally cross a line. I really don't think about it at all.
[ It’s just him. It’s not Mika. But it feels like a rejection either way, even if he hadn’t meant it in that way. He pulls Mika closer, arms closing around his back, chin tucking into his hair. As if he could cocoon himself around the other, make him feel wanted. Even if, eventually if he doesn’t want to desire Mika in an impossible way.
He doesn’t - he wants… He wants to have him impossibly close instead. ]
Please take it back? Don’t apologize. I’m sorry. [ Does his pulse seem like it’s still happy? He’s uncertain what his own mood is right now. ] It’s not your fault I’m like - this.
[ That he carries his important feelings for Mika and Rum right next to this thing he can’t control. ]
I would let you do anything to me, if you wanted, but that. It’s something you should only do if you want it for yourself.
So - even if I think of you, or say your name - [ Or dream. Those poisonous dreams. ] - you don’t ever have to - help.
( Did he say the wrong thing...? The - hug? surprises him, and for a moment he hesitates, but... He decides to meet it, a little awkward - arms loose around the neck.
What Ginger says bothers him, because it reminds him of the sort of thing he'd say himself. His self-torturing existence isn't something he really wants for him. )
... I wouldn't be doing it because I have to. I'd want to help. But... you said you want to do it with someone you love.
( Maybe that's not exactly what Ginger said, but that's what he understood from it. It's kind of what he understands from Ginger drawing a line here, too - there should probably be love involved. (Or just regular desire, but... well... He guesses people can sleep together without love... but... would that make Ginger happy?) )
... I know you don't like what you are ( and samesies, too ), but... You're just Ginger to me. And I like you the way you are. So...
[ That kind of sounds like Mika thinks it would be impossible to love him, which - ]
I’ll love you! [ Eh? Wait, backtrack… backtrack… ] I mean… I already like you so much. I think… those feelings only grow…?
[ Liking Mika feels like one of the easiest things in the world. Ginger has no doubt he’ll keep finding things to like about him - he’ll keep caring to the point of tripping into love.
It would be cool in the soothing way Mika’s words tend to be. A little awkward, but quite charming to Ginger. A love that makes him smile, a love that’s like holding hands. ]
Because… we’re family… [ Right? ] But being in love is… a little… different.
( It's a good thing Ginger clarified that he was talking about two different kinds of love here because Mika totally didn't get it immediately - a hot flash across his face, still a little bit a teen. But Ginger does clarify, and he's just, ah, oops, )
... We're family. ( Verbally stumbling a little bit, and confirming the most important thing first. ) It's— I mean... yeah, it's... you'd want to do that kind of thing with someone you're in love with, right...? I thought... I'd just hurt you by saying I'd be fine, or something...
( But then he messed up anyway...? Relationships are complicated. His fingers curl in... Mika had put a label on this to parse it all better, but he'd not even considered the L-word yet - even if it's an intrinsic part of being family.
The idea of Ginger's love... makes him warm. But it also twists his stomach, a little. Ginger's thought process is right - Mika doesn't think he deserves it, or that he can be, in the long run. Kind as Ginger is. Maybe it's because Ginger's kind that Mika knows he deserves so much better.
He just hopes he can do right enough by Ginger before it's time for them to return to their homes - before Mika has a chance to mess up. )
[ He hugs Mika tighter and stays quiet for a long moment. He wishes he were better at words, wishes he knew how to supplement his clumsy sentences with the right gestures and expressions. Wishes this hug could tell Mika all of what his heart feels.
(And trapped in his arms, Mika wouldn’t be able to run.)
(He won’t run anyway.)
But that’s too much. He can’t be too much at once. So a little at a time: ]
… It does hurt - when you act like you’re just some… thing… I can use and you’re fine with that. You’re Mika. You’s so important to me. You’ll always be important to me now.
[ Because that’s how Ginger is. He thinks in forever. He has forever. He doesn’t know if Mika does - and that’s… hard to wrap his head around right now.
Mika had implied something earlier, he thinks. Something finite and terrible - no. He buries his nose in Mika’s hair. No. ]
But… you can’t help being everything that you are, just like I can’t help being everything that I am, so - what if, from now on, we stop apologizing?
( Mika hesitates, but listens - what Ginger says now in concert with what he just said a moment before, about loving him, and echoes uncomfortably familiar with Solomon told him the night with all that blood: that there could eventually be someone he cares for who wants him to be happy, whose happiness asks for his own as a scaffold.
What had Mika said then? He knows he'd said he'd cross that bridge when he got there, thinking he never would. But... he knows he said he'd try. It wasn't any firmly binding vow, but—
Ginger's worth trying for, he thinks. He's just scared of not being able to be better than what he is now, even if he puts the effort in.
... )
... Okay.
( Quietly. Okay. No more apologies.
A little less awkwardly, and a little more certainly, the arms around Ginger's neck wind around into a proper hold, a hand careful at the back of Ginger's head, as Ginger holds him tight. (His nape, so close...)
His lips part to begin with an apology, before he catches himself. Ah... )
... I really... like you. I've just... never figured out how to do right by the people I like, I guess. ( Letting himself be hurt, be used - was all he'd known. ) But, I...
( It's strange, to have - someone new in his life, that he's come to feel so firmly attached to. Someone since Yuu, someone who - cares for him so much, thinks of him so much, even though Mika is the sort of person he is. Mika wants to think himself immune, but - how could he not love Ginger in turn?
It felt right, to wrap him up in the idea of family. It felt dear, and safe. )
... I really would do anything for you, I think. ( That's the feeling he gets. ) I wish I could say it as clearly as you do... when you call me important. I... want you to know you're important, too... Ginger.
( And he says his name a little softer, with care in every sound, as if hoping it would articulate what he thinks he's not saying enough of. Words are not his forte - it's these sacrifices he makes. But Ginger isn't made happy by them, so he's stumbling, tongue-tied. )
[ He listens and listens. Breathes in slowly when Mika says his name like that. He’ll remember that forever, he thinks. He wishes he could have seen the expression Mika had, the way his mouth had shaped Ginger’s name.
Though if Mika were to say his name like that in public, his heart would probably burst into a million shards of light, all matching the shades of Mika’s eyes. ]
… Yeah. I know. You tell me all the time in little ways.
[ Holding out his hand for Ginger to take, for one. ]
And sometimes really big ways. When you told me to leave that night, when you told me not to die - you weren’t even in your right mind, but you fought so hard.
[ Against his own instinct to survive. ‘If you die, I'll rip my own heart out.’ ]
How many times tonight? At least a dozen? Two? And - [ Tone soft and warm, a little teasing. His feelings for Mika bubble up, giddy little pops that follow the quick beat of his heart. ] - you say you don’t know to do right. But you can listen to my pulse right now and know.
( Ah. That's - he hadn't even considered those as ... things that had value, to another person. He felt like he was floundering - is always floundering, trying to figure out how to do good before something bad happens, an endless sense that the worst is always just around the corner. He didn't realize someone could find worth in them. He didn't realize Ginger did.
He presses his cheek, his ear, against Ginger's neck, lips against his shoulder, and he... closes his eyes. He can hear it. He'd been so scared before - that night, when he'd bit him, and now...
He exhales, soft - extraneous. Maybe it's a sigh. Maybe he feels happy, too. Maybe that's what this is, what this means. )
... It's nice. Really... really, nice.
( And he can feel his scraping thirst, whet - though he wasn't this hungry before this.
He wishes he had a better way to thank him for thinking of him so much. He knows Ginger says it's the side of him that's demonic, that's possessive and fixated, but - it's fine. It's fine. Whatever Ginger claims is the cause, it's fine. It's all Ginger, in the end.
He closes his eyes, listening - indulgently. He wants to drink. He really wants to drink. But he wants to linger a moment longer, before Ginger gets so flustered he has to excuse himself, since... Mika can't do anything for him. )
... I... Could we do something when you're... done after this? Nothing specifically, just... Is that fine?
Mhm. I get to see you twice today? ‘m happy… [ He sure sounds it. That’s a yes. ] ‘m excited to see you.
[ When they’re this close, he doesn’t need to speak too loudly. Everything drops to a murmur like secrets shared over this bonfire warmth between them, even though Mika burns cool and Ginger runs hotter than anyone he knows. ]
Not sure how long it’ll take, but I can come find you - after.
[ In the back of his mind, around the corner of happiness, he knows the time before seeing Mika again will just be frustrating. Frustrating, at best. Impossible and endless at worst. It’s the guilt. Sometimes he can’t - finish - because he needs - a thought of skin, an imagined gasp from a voice he longs to hear. But he feels so damn guilty thinking about Rum like that - and now he has another person to add to that list.
He hates that part of himself so much. Wonders if he weren’t born with an angel face, would all of his ugliness have shown on his face...?
He wishes he could just send himself to Mika in the near future, skip over this depraved need, so that their time together could be seamless.
Still, it’s worth it for Mika. If Mika likes his blood, he can have it all. ]
( Lingering there, against Ginger's skin, he murmurs just as quiet in turn: )
... Okay. I'll be waiting.
( He's very good at that.
The gentle beat of Ginger's heart carries in his blood and Mika can nearly taste the sweetness of his blood's scent, and for a moment Ginger seems a window to the world - one he'd grown otherwise indifferent to. Mika will probably find something to worry over, in time; it's how his care expresses. But, right now... he's happy.
It's strange to take happiness into a feeding, he's never done it before. There is at first that familiar press of his teeth against Ginger's skin, and then a punctuated teething... He'd meant to ask if he could do it now, but he forgot, and Ginger's just too appetizing.
A little different than he'd done it before, where he'd sunk down his teeth where he first made contact, he searches - his fangs' points run along the skin, teasing a bite, but not quite committing as his lips trail up along the neck. His breath is warm, warner than he is, his lips licked wet with anticipation - until he seems to hit a point that satisfies him a little further up the neck, with a vibrant pulse.
His fangs press in, and he licks up the blood as it spills down along the neck - slow and intentional, not at all hurried. It'll end soon enough - he takes very little this time. But something about him wants to linger. )
He resists the urge to shiver at first, having forgotten that Mika’s lips were pressed there all along. The first time had been rough and he’d half-expected something similar.
The other half expected something more… clinical. A bite or two, there and done. An impersonal feeding, almost. And Ginger would have sat there and closed his eyes and waited it out.
This is nothing like that.
This feels slow and sensual in the same way his dreams play out. He knows that’s not what Mika is trying to do. Mika is attracted to the blood, as is instinctive - not to Ginger. Mika is savoring his food - but Ginger, he…
He won’t say Mika’s name and he - doesn’t moan, pressing the lines of his mouth shut. But something slips out of him anyway, pleasure-tinged and conquered. Quiet but a louder sound than he ever wants Mika to hear.
His body curls around Mika, fingers clenched, like he wants to crawl in - like he wants to bury his head in the pale crook where neck and shoulder meet. Like he wants to force Mika’s head back, open his mouth with long fingers, and lick his own taste off those canines - those canines -
He feels hot and violent and restless where his body reacts.
( He feels at ease with blood on his tongue, sweet in his throat. He feels calm - he feels good. Ginger's blood is just as thick as he'd remembered it, its taste near overwhelming - something that has lingered in the periphery of his senses; something that has asked him since that night, in gentle whispers, why don't you go find him? why don't you have a little more?
It's really hard to keep from drinking more. Harder, still, knowing what he knows by instinct: that the blood tastes its best in the moment of a creature's death. His blood is this rich now - how much better could it be if he kept going? If he drank a little deeper? If he just—
But he likes Ginger. He likes him a lot. And he'd miss him if he went away.
He's just enough of himself to take in Ginger's quiet but indecent sound, feel Ginger - and feel Ginger curl around him tighter - though not fully conscious, it still heats his cheeks, a shiver running through him in faint realization. Hesitating, he's tempted to give into his instinct to linger - to feel, to hear what else he can provoke in Ginger, now that he's here enough to be aware of it.
But Ginger doesn't want this. Right? He recalls this vaguely, in the warm haze of his mind. ... So he withdraws his fangs, fingers tangling in his hair at the back of his head as if to keep him still, and he runs his tongue across the wound, sucking gently at it - for practical reasons as much as thirst, so the blood isn't left to overflow before it can be healed or covered.
Still, he doesn't lift his head when he's done, even if his lips part from the skin. It just means his breath can brush against the tender injury, though, when he does finally speak, voice low: )
[ Wrecked and guilty, sinful with how good the lust feels sitting low in his belly. Even better that Mika stays near, breath on his skin. That’s not the answer he wants to say, though he doesn’t want to lie to Mika either. ]
… Like a demon. Like I want more.
[ For those two thoughts alone, he doesn’t think he paid in nearly enough blood. He owes Mika so much more for what his imagination came up with, for what replays in his mind. ]
Your lips feel like you’re leaving love marks all over. So…
[ He strokes Mika’s back once - (sorry. I’m so sorry.) - and then loosens his hold. If Mika’s uncomfortable, he can pull back; if he’s uncomfortable, he should.
And if he even thinks about helping, he should run. ]
( Oh... Coming down from the daze of feeding, faster than last time since he didn't take so much, he reddens - ah. Does it feel like that to everyone? Or just Ginger? Maybe he should advocate more strongly for a cup, if others might feel like it's so... intimate.
Mika hesitates where he is, not sure if he should pull away to look at Ginger - does Ginger want that? - but also not sure if Ginger wants him to stay so close, with the state he's in. )
... Good. ( He feels kind of bad saying that when Ginger feels ... good? in a way he's clearly guilty over. But Ginger said no more apologies... ) ... Calm.
( He's absolutely biting back a suggestion to help somehow, again. He'll always be; he can't help it.
He doesn't pull back - not yet. He still isn't sure if he should. He can feel - Ginger's problem, but he doesn't want Ginger to feel like he's making Mika uncomfortable by being what he is.
"Like a demon," he said. Like it's something he should be punished for. )
Would it help if I did it differently next time? I just— I did what felt natural, but...
( Unfortunately vampires are naturally slutty so this was perhaps an oversight, )
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no subject
Mika… Mika won’t break his heart. They’re not in love, but they care for each other. Deeply, he thinks. Mika is his heart’s guardian angel, in a way.
And Mika is not and should never be a replacement for Rum. They’re both important to him in different ways. They’re both special, one of a kind. ]
Controlling it… It’s important that you have… a choice. I’m not tying you to me. [ But - please, please choose to stay, until you go back to your Yuu-chan. ] What would make me happiest is if seeing me made you smile with your heart, like you did earlier.
[ It was pretty. ]
Mm. When you feel like smiling, I hope you do. I want to see all your smiles.
no subject
... I think... I stopped smiling around everyone but Yuu-chan. But...
( ... It's been easier to smile around Ginger. Maybe because they're similar? But not - the same. Mika wouldn't be able to stand seeing himself in a mirror; he hates himself too much. Ginger is comfortable enough to understand, but foreign enough to care about.
Maybe he's leaning too much on him. Is he being unfair? (The worries return...) Ginger seems to like their arrangement, though. He's... too caring, Mika thinks. )
... Why don't we keep it simple? You visit me whenever you want, as much as you think is reasonable. ( Controlled, to Ginger's own standard. ) And I'll visit you whenever I want. So you know it's my choice.
( And... if Ginger gets him to smile then, well, it'll be genuine, so... that should make Ginger happy. (The both of them tossing the happiness ball back into each other's courts,) )
no subject
Mika, you’re brilliant! That’s a good plan. [ He’s wagging now - though his metaphorical tail did slow to an uncertain stutter when Mika mentioned that he’d stopped smiling.
He hopes Mika will talk to him enough to fill in the emptiness of two years; he hopes Mika finds reason to smile at Yuu-chan again, at Ginger, at the things he likes. The things they both like. And maybe -
Maybe… one day Mika can talk about himself and smile. ]
no subject
Despite everything said so far, and though Ginger is unique to him, Mika doesn't consider himself unique to Ginger - which is good. It limits what damage Mika can do to him, he thinks. And he wants to take good care of Ginger and his heart while they're both here, without Ginger suffering the consequences of his association.
He's just glad he can make Ginger happy in these small ways, right now. )
... Don't complain when I pester you, then.
( He doubts Ginger would, but, he teases slightly anyway. Mika has less anxiety about being a nuisance - he'll easily come by once a day or night just to see what he's doing and hang out while he does it.
His cool palms press lightly against either side of Ginger's neck where it meets the shoulder. )
Your pulse changes a little bit when you're happy. You know that?
no subject
[ Please do pester him. So easy to beg. ]
Hm? [ He shivers slightly with anticipation. ] You can tell when I look at you?
[ That… only makes sense, right? He likes Mika; he likes attention and affection. And he gets all of that, here.
… Then when Mika smiles, he wonders how his pulse reacts. Faster? ]
no subject
( He's not sure how it feels to admit that, but he can't help that his senses are attuned to blood. One palm runs up along the length of the neck, coming to a rest at the corner of his jaw - fingers curling light into the hair, almost barely brushing against the skin.
Lingering along the arteries is a tricky thing - it's hard as having a ripe fruit in your hand, and not biting into it. But he can control it right now. It... really has become easier, since he started to eat more regularly. )
... I think it affects the taste, too. ( It's a little muddled under what the bite forces victims to feel, but. ) Though - you should feel how you want.
( Mika foreseeing a future where Ginger gets hung up on being happy for Mika's palate... )
no subject
I’ll put that on my resume.
[ Does Mika want him to tilt his head? He leans into the hand at his jaw, exposing more of his neck to the dim light. Not quite a nuzzle. Puppy behavior, honestly. ]
I… think the end result will be the same. [ Because, well. ] Are you sure it doesn’t make you uncomfortable?
[ He’s almost certain it’ll just happen again and again. Dreads the day it happens outside of feeding. If it’s with someone other than Mika… ]
no subject
He takes Ginger's jaw, his cheek, a little more firmly, like a caress, his face sinking closer...
Oh, Ginger asked a question, uh, sorry he was distracted, )
... I... Well— I just feel bad leaving you to it... mostly.
( He looks up from where he is, cheek nearly at rest on Ginger's shoulder. It's hard for him to say if it's uncomfortable or not because it's such a weird situation... It's an impersonal boner; Mika barely registers sex; it's kind of the bite's fault, and Ginger's dad's... )
... Are you sure I can't do anything to help?
( Don't ask if he has an idea because he doesn't; at least, not right now, short of the vampiric devil on his shoulder that suggests sucking more blood so none of it can go down south. )
no subject
[ The problem with names is: once it becomes important to him, familiar in the way it feels on his tongue, the name can be said with a million different inflections.
He says Mika’s name in red, heavy in the air and like a plea.
It’s the affection, but also the way Mika settles in his arms, head by his shoulder. Mouth by his neck where that feeling will scorch him from within. Those lips say his name. To his shame, he already feels the start of it - just on memory alone. ]
I can’t ask that. [ It would be a mistake. He’d make himself sick. ] I don’t want to desire you in an impossible way.
[ And it would, at that point, become desire. Even worse, a habit, another need. And then his wicked mind would be free to think of all the ways Mika could… help. ]
/2
Mika lifts his head, realizing - the most obvious outcomes in their minds run different. Mika would have sooner come upon the idea of a cold soak (and an offer to keep everyone out from the baths...) than, well, what Ginger seems to have thought of. And he feels a little guilty for it. Insensitive, maybe?
The way Ginger says his name lingers in his mind. )
—Sorry. I didn't...
( But would he?
... )
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... Sorry.
( He says, again, a little more settled. Setting aside the sort of insane things Mika may or may not be willing to do for the people he cares for... He thinks it'd just hurt Ginger, in the end. It's not really worth whatever it might help Ginger with in the short term.
Mika would love it, if Ginger offered his neck to him all the time. But it'd hurt him, the Mika trying to be normal, in the long run, he thinks. It's probably something like that. )
Um... If you accidentally think of me, or something... I get it. I'm not gonna get weird about it. Same thing with... how the bite makes you feel. Because... I know that's not normally how you feel about me. The way I don't... see you as food, and stuff.
But... sorry if I accidentally cross a line. I really don't think about it at all.
( Sex stuff, he means. )
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He doesn’t - he wants… He wants to have him impossibly close instead. ]
Please take it back? Don’t apologize. I’m sorry. [ Does his pulse seem like it’s still happy? He’s uncertain what his own mood is right now. ] It’s not your fault I’m like - this.
[ That he carries his important feelings for Mika and Rum right next to this thing he can’t control. ]
I would let you do anything to me, if you wanted, but that. It’s something you should only do if you want it for yourself.
So - even if I think of you, or say your name - [ Or dream. Those poisonous dreams. ] - you don’t ever have to - help.
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What Ginger says bothers him, because it reminds him of the sort of thing he'd say himself. His self-torturing existence isn't something he really wants for him. )
... I wouldn't be doing it because I have to. I'd want to help. But... you said you want to do it with someone you love.
( Maybe that's not exactly what Ginger said, but that's what he understood from it. It's kind of what he understands from Ginger drawing a line here, too - there should probably be love involved. (Or just regular desire, but... well... He guesses people can sleep together without love... but... would that make Ginger happy?) )
... I know you don't like what you are ( and samesies, too ), but... You're just Ginger to me. And I like you the way you are. So...
( Don't put yourself down so much... )
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[ That kind of sounds like Mika thinks it would be impossible to love him, which - ]
I’ll love you! [ Eh? Wait, backtrack… backtrack… ] I mean… I already like you so much. I think… those feelings only grow…?
[ Liking Mika feels like one of the easiest things in the world. Ginger has no doubt he’ll keep finding things to like about him - he’ll keep caring to the point of tripping into love.
It would be cool in the soothing way Mika’s words tend to be. A little awkward, but quite charming to Ginger. A love that makes him smile, a love that’s like holding hands. ]
Because… we’re family… [ Right? ] But being in love is… a little… different.
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... We're family. ( Verbally stumbling a little bit, and confirming the most important thing first. ) It's— I mean... yeah, it's... you'd want to do that kind of thing with someone you're in love with, right...? I thought... I'd just hurt you by saying I'd be fine, or something...
( But then he messed up anyway...? Relationships are complicated. His fingers curl in... Mika had put a label on this to parse it all better, but he'd not even considered the L-word yet - even if it's an intrinsic part of being family.
The idea of Ginger's love... makes him warm. But it also twists his stomach, a little. Ginger's thought process is right - Mika doesn't think he deserves it, or that he can be, in the long run. Kind as Ginger is. Maybe it's because Ginger's kind that Mika knows he deserves so much better.
He just hopes he can do right enough by Ginger before it's time for them to return to their homes - before Mika has a chance to mess up. )
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(And trapped in his arms, Mika wouldn’t be able to run.)
(He won’t run anyway.)
But that’s too much. He can’t be too much at once. So a little at a time: ]
… It does hurt - when you act like you’re just some… thing… I can use and you’re fine with that. You’re Mika. You’s so important to me. You’ll always be important to me now.
[ Because that’s how Ginger is. He thinks in forever. He has forever. He doesn’t know if Mika does - and that’s… hard to wrap his head around right now.
Mika had implied something earlier, he thinks. Something finite and terrible - no. He buries his nose in Mika’s hair. No. ]
But… you can’t help being everything that you are, just like I can’t help being everything that I am, so - what if, from now on, we stop apologizing?
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What had Mika said then? He knows he'd said he'd cross that bridge when he got there, thinking he never would. But... he knows he said he'd try. It wasn't any firmly binding vow, but—
Ginger's worth trying for, he thinks. He's just scared of not being able to be better than what he is now, even if he puts the effort in.
... )
... Okay.
( Quietly. Okay. No more apologies.
A little less awkwardly, and a little more certainly, the arms around Ginger's neck wind around into a proper hold, a hand careful at the back of Ginger's head, as Ginger holds him tight. (His nape, so close...)
His lips part to begin with an apology, before he catches himself. Ah... )
... I really... like you. I've just... never figured out how to do right by the people I like, I guess. ( Letting himself be hurt, be used - was all he'd known. ) But, I...
( It's strange, to have - someone new in his life, that he's come to feel so firmly attached to. Someone since Yuu, someone who - cares for him so much, thinks of him so much, even though Mika is the sort of person he is. Mika wants to think himself immune, but - how could he not love Ginger in turn?
It felt right, to wrap him up in the idea of family. It felt dear, and safe. )
... I really would do anything for you, I think. ( That's the feeling he gets. ) I wish I could say it as clearly as you do... when you call me important. I... want you to know you're important, too... Ginger.
( And he says his name a little softer, with care in every sound, as if hoping it would articulate what he thinks he's not saying enough of. Words are not his forte - it's these sacrifices he makes. But Ginger isn't made happy by them, so he's stumbling, tongue-tied. )
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Though if Mika were to say his name like that in public, his heart would probably burst into a million shards of light, all matching the shades of Mika’s eyes. ]
… Yeah. I know. You tell me all the time in little ways.
[ Holding out his hand for Ginger to take, for one. ]
And sometimes really big ways. When you told me to leave that night, when you told me not to die - you weren’t even in your right mind, but you fought so hard.
[ Against his own instinct to survive. ‘If you die, I'll rip my own heart out.’ ]
How many times tonight? At least a dozen? Two? And - [ Tone soft and warm, a little teasing. His feelings for Mika bubble up, giddy little pops that follow the quick beat of his heart. ] - you say you don’t know to do right. But you can listen to my pulse right now and know.
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He presses his cheek, his ear, against Ginger's neck, lips against his shoulder, and he... closes his eyes. He can hear it. He'd been so scared before - that night, when he'd bit him, and now...
He exhales, soft - extraneous. Maybe it's a sigh. Maybe he feels happy, too. Maybe that's what this is, what this means. )
... It's nice. Really... really, nice.
( And he can feel his scraping thirst, whet - though he wasn't this hungry before this.
He wishes he had a better way to thank him for thinking of him so much. He knows Ginger says it's the side of him that's demonic, that's possessive and fixated, but - it's fine. It's fine. Whatever Ginger claims is the cause, it's fine. It's all Ginger, in the end.
He closes his eyes, listening - indulgently. He wants to drink. He really wants to drink. But he wants to linger a moment longer, before Ginger gets so flustered he has to excuse himself, since... Mika can't do anything for him. )
... I... Could we do something when you're... done after this? Nothing specifically, just... Is that fine?
( do u wanna hang out... )
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[ When they’re this close, he doesn’t need to speak too loudly. Everything drops to a murmur like secrets shared over this bonfire warmth between them, even though Mika burns cool and Ginger runs hotter than anyone he knows. ]
Not sure how long it’ll take, but I can come find you - after.
[ In the back of his mind, around the corner of happiness, he knows the time before seeing Mika again will just be frustrating. Frustrating, at best. Impossible and endless at worst. It’s the guilt. Sometimes he can’t - finish - because he needs - a thought of skin, an imagined gasp from a voice he longs to hear. But he feels so damn guilty thinking about Rum like that - and now he has another person to add to that list.
He hates that part of himself so much. Wonders if he weren’t born with an angel face, would all of his ugliness have shown on his face...?
He wishes he could just send himself to Mika in the near future, skip over this depraved need, so that their time together could be seamless.
Still, it’s worth it for Mika. If Mika likes his blood, he can have it all. ]
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... Okay. I'll be waiting.
( He's very good at that.
The gentle beat of Ginger's heart carries in his blood and Mika can nearly taste the sweetness of his blood's scent, and for a moment Ginger seems a window to the world - one he'd grown otherwise indifferent to. Mika will probably find something to worry over, in time; it's how his care expresses. But, right now... he's happy.
It's strange to take happiness into a feeding, he's never done it before. There is at first that familiar press of his teeth against Ginger's skin, and then a punctuated teething... He'd meant to ask if he could do it now, but he forgot, and Ginger's just too appetizing.
A little different than he'd done it before, where he'd sunk down his teeth where he first made contact, he searches - his fangs' points run along the skin, teasing a bite, but not quite committing as his lips trail up along the neck. His breath is warm, warner than he is, his lips licked wet with anticipation - until he seems to hit a point that satisfies him a little further up the neck, with a vibrant pulse.
His fangs press in, and he licks up the blood as it spills down along the neck - slow and intentional, not at all hurried. It'll end soon enough - he takes very little this time. But something about him wants to linger. )
n… sfw
He resists the urge to shiver at first, having forgotten that Mika’s lips were pressed there all along. The first time had been rough and he’d half-expected something similar.
The other half expected something more… clinical. A bite or two, there and done. An impersonal feeding, almost. And Ginger would have sat there and closed his eyes and waited it out.
This is nothing like that.
This feels slow and sensual in the same way his dreams play out. He knows that’s not what Mika is trying to do. Mika is attracted to the blood, as is instinctive - not to Ginger. Mika is savoring his food - but Ginger, he…
He won’t say Mika’s name and he - doesn’t moan, pressing the lines of his mouth shut. But something slips out of him anyway, pleasure-tinged and conquered. Quiet but a louder sound than he ever wants Mika to hear.
His body curls around Mika, fingers clenched, like he wants to crawl in - like he wants to bury his head in the pale crook where neck and shoulder meet. Like he wants to force Mika’s head back, open his mouth with long fingers, and lick his own taste off those canines - those canines -
He feels hot and violent and restless where his body reacts.
He… hopes this ends soon. ]
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It's really hard to keep from drinking more. Harder, still, knowing what he knows by instinct: that the blood tastes its best in the moment of a creature's death. His blood is this rich now - how much better could it be if he kept going? If he drank a little deeper? If he just—
But he likes Ginger. He likes him a lot. And he'd miss him if he went away.
He's just enough of himself to take in Ginger's quiet but indecent sound, feel Ginger - and feel Ginger curl around him tighter - though not fully conscious, it still heats his cheeks, a shiver running through him in faint realization. Hesitating, he's tempted to give into his instinct to linger - to feel, to hear what else he can provoke in Ginger, now that he's here enough to be aware of it.
But Ginger doesn't want this. Right? He recalls this vaguely, in the warm haze of his mind. ... So he withdraws his fangs, fingers tangling in his hair at the back of his head as if to keep him still, and he runs his tongue across the wound, sucking gently at it - for practical reasons as much as thirst, so the blood isn't left to overflow before it can be healed or covered.
Still, he doesn't lift his head when he's done, even if his lips part from the skin. It just means his breath can brush against the tender injury, though, when he does finally speak, voice low: )
... How do you feel?
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… Like a demon. Like I want more.
[ For those two thoughts alone, he doesn’t think he paid in nearly enough blood. He owes Mika so much more for what his imagination came up with, for what replays in his mind. ]
Your lips feel like you’re leaving love marks all over. So…
[ He strokes Mika’s back once - (sorry. I’m so sorry.) - and then loosens his hold. If Mika’s uncomfortable, he can pull back; if he’s uncomfortable, he should.
And if he even thinks about helping, he should run. ]
How… do you feel?
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Mika hesitates where he is, not sure if he should pull away to look at Ginger - does Ginger want that? - but also not sure if Ginger wants him to stay so close, with the state he's in. )
... Good. ( He feels kind of bad saying that when Ginger feels ... good? in a way he's clearly guilty over. But Ginger said no more apologies... ) ... Calm.
( He's absolutely biting back a suggestion to help somehow, again. He'll always be; he can't help it.
He doesn't pull back - not yet. He still isn't sure if he should. He can feel - Ginger's problem, but he doesn't want Ginger to feel like he's making Mika uncomfortable by being what he is.
"Like a demon," he said. Like it's something he should be punished for. )
Would it help if I did it differently next time? I just— I did what felt natural, but...
( Unfortunately vampires are naturally slutty so this was perhaps an oversight, )
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