( rip Malice's eye... That's two more permanent injuries he would've expected from a vampire. Still, that means the family thing was more recent than both those things... Though that might not mean much, since he's not sure how long Malice-style vampires live. )
... I don't know how it was for you... ( What that promise of power and belonging looked like - versus what the belonging he already had was like... ) ... But I also had a family.
( A place to belong; by choice, and by love. )
... I don't think I can make up for their blood on my hands. I can't imagine... there's a way to return from that.
( He doesn't think there's a way to be better. Still - he doesn't pass judgment on Malice so much as himself. Malice may believe he can improve, somewhat... but Mika doesn't think the same of himself.
Maybe, in some way, he had expected the injury to be some kind of cosmological punishment for Malice - the way being turned into a vampire was some kind of punishment for Mika (or so he believes). Else, he wouldn't have asked that, right then. )
[What happened to them? he wants to ask, but Malice refrains. It sounds like it was difficult, whatever it was. And in the end, Mika blames himself. "All you can do is atone without end in sight." Yeah. He's not surprised to hear that from Mika, but...]
I wanna believe there's more I can do than just regret what I've done... but if there is, I don't really know what it is.
Not that I've really let myself stop an' think 'bout it since it happened. I guess this place is the step back from all'a that that I... needed? Yeah. Needed.
[He would've been perfectly content to continue to brush it off and blame other people instead, like he'd been doing back home, but now... He really does want to do better, even if he can't undo the damage he caused.]
( Mika feels like the longer he's with his own thoughts, the deeper in them he sinks... Wallowing, as it were.
But... there are a handful of people here he's come to like. It's helped buoy him in the swamp of his feelings, a little bit. He just feels too guilty to lean on them. )
But I think the fact that I can look back on it an' acknowledge it was a mistake an' I don't wanna do it again is progress, even if I don't like it. Back home, I was just sayin' it was their fault for trustin' a vampire in the first place.
( But Mika never could. He always blamed himself, so... he can't say Malice's understanding is wrong, now. It's always your own fault, isn't it? Your weakness. )
... Is what you wanted a place among other vampires?
[Malice nods at the first part. It sure is... It's been a mess actually acknowledging that it's his own fault.]
Yeah. The vampire lord in the area - Rosalie - turned out to be my mom. 'Cause of some dumb vampire noble shit, I was left in the slums an' taken in by a human woman, so I never knew her. When she offered a place at her side as one of her own, I...
[His gaze darts for a moment before he corrects it and continues on in his usual cavalier way.]
I took it. Hell, I wouldn't have to fight for my life anymore an' I'd have a place to belong among vampires. It really seemed too good to be true. So I sold out the humans I was workin' with. Most of 'em died.
Not exactly. Gettin' rid of the humans was a nice bonus, but she could'a crushed 'em at any time. She wanted me, but not 'cause I'm hers, but 'cause of my Domain. She couldn't figure out what it was, but thought it was powerful, so she wanted to study me.
[And he went to her like a moth to flame. Malice scoffs.]
Hell, even when I ran away, that was part of her plan. It did result in findin' out what my Domain is, but I'm killin' the bastard who betrayed me, an' then she's next on the list.
Eh, see no reason why it would be. I've got the power to reflect damage done to me. So if you were to stab me, I could inflict that same wound on you. Mine wouldn't vanish, so it's not like I'm givin' it to you. It works on a lotta things, includin' magic, but I don't know that it'd really be all that powerful. I've heard of plenty of stronger ones, anyway.
[Though maybe it's just subjective? Or maybe he hasn't seen the full potential of his own Domain. Either way, he shrugs. Right now it's not that big a concern, anyway.]
( That definitely seems useful. How it could be used to another's benefit, though... Mika's not really enough of a schemer to come up with something immediately, but he's sure a vampire could come up with something nefarious at the drop of a hat.
Still. )
... I can't really relate to letting go of the things I have for the promise of something better. But...
( ... )
... I was also used by vampires. I took what I saw at face value; I was sure... I'd outsmarted them.
I was stupid.
( And everyone paid the price for it. Mika doesn't forgive himself for the age he was at, either. Stripped of nuance, it was still his fault. )
... I don't trust myself not to make the same mistake again. But maybe you'll be luckier. ( Their mistakes are rooted in different failings, in the end. ) Whether or not... that makes you a better person.
( Not repeating the same mistake... is the least someone can ask for, for the people they care about. )
[It's obvious Mika blames himself for that, and that's likely a fair assessment of the situation. Maybe there's more to it than that, but does it really matter? At this point, Mika's going to blame himself for it and it's likely nothing will change his mind.
Still, the words earn a smile.]
Yeah. I'm gonna keep tryin' even if it doesn't. I'm not the sort to give up easily.
( Mika shrugs, a little. He doesn't think he did much good, but... at least he didn't do harm. Malice is... all right. )
... I haven't been a vampire for very long, but I've been making mistakes my whole life. I can at least something worthwhile about that stuff.
( A little wry, since Mika is well aware his feedback is akin to stewing than anything reassuring or productive. But... at least he gets it, for whatever that's worth. Malice can get the vamp stuff handled, and Mika can cover monumental screw-ups(?) )
... You're young. ( In terms of how long he's been a vampire. ) Older than me, but... every other vampire I've met is at least a couple hundred years old.
[That gets him to blink; another one of those oddities between them that he never would have thought possible, but which explains quite a bit.]
We're still pretty damn mortal. Enhanced reflexes an' senses an' Domains, but we die when we're killed.
[thanks malice.]
An' yeah, vampires turn on each other all the time. If it's not nobles doin' underhanded schemin' to get each other killed off, it's fights breakin' out over territory an' "prey".
( Mortal...? Now that's more of a surprise than anything else he's heard thus far.
They have their share of scheming and picking each other off, too - though he stopped paying attention to anything after he was turned, and only reactivated when Yuu-chan returned to the picture. )
... Vampires are the same wherever you go, I guess. ( Except where theyr'e different, as just demonstrated, but ignoring that, ) Are you different because you were raised by a human?
Yeah, think so. She was compassionate, kind, an' she tried to make sure I understood that. Wouldn't say that's the only thing, though - those humans I spent time with shaped me too, whether I like it or not.
[But maybe that's for the best in some way; it's hard to ignore what he did when they've left their mark on him.]
I dealt with a lotta crap growin' up. Losin' my eye an' arm, bein' taken in an' abandoned frequently, losin' people an' tryin' to find new ones - but I'm still kickin'. But since I was so willin' to stand with humans, I think most of 'em must've rubbed off on me.
[There's no sarcasm there; Malice does love humans far more than he likes vampires, though as for whether or not he'd actually want to be one? Ehhhhh. It's Complicated. But being more human is never a bad thing as far as he's concerned.]
But there's no tellin' what your future holds for you, 'specially when you got dragged here of all places. So who knows, maybe I won't be the only one!
( Hope? Hope for Miette? He seems doubtful, but... he was also dead (by a certain definition) before this, so... he can't refute that a lot of the impossible is happening here. )
... It'd be the first miracle I'd experience in a long, long time, if that really happens.
( Disbelief. But not an outright rejection.
A brief pause - a little awkward, somewhere within all his exhaustion. )
... I... thanks for visiting. I guess. You... can come again if you want.
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... )
... Is that how you lost your arm?
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[So wearing his bangs over one eye is not just an aesthetic choice, it's to hide that that eye is gone.]
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... I don't know how it was for you... ( What that promise of power and belonging looked like - versus what the belonging he already had was like... ) ... But I also had a family.
( A place to belong; by choice, and by love. )
... I don't think I can make up for their blood on my hands. I can't imagine... there's a way to return from that.
( He doesn't think there's a way to be better. Still - he doesn't pass judgment on Malice so much as himself. Malice may believe he can improve, somewhat... but Mika doesn't think the same of himself.
Maybe, in some way, he had expected the injury to be some kind of cosmological punishment for Malice - the way being turned into a vampire was some kind of punishment for Mika (or so he believes). Else, he wouldn't have asked that, right then. )
... All you can do is atone without end in sight.
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I wanna believe there's more I can do than just regret what I've done... but if there is, I don't really know what it is.
Not that I've really let myself stop an' think 'bout it since it happened. I guess this place is the step back from all'a that that I... needed? Yeah. Needed.
[He would've been perfectly content to continue to brush it off and blame other people instead, like he'd been doing back home, but now... He really does want to do better, even if he can't undo the damage he caused.]
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( Mika feels like the longer he's with his own thoughts, the deeper in them he sinks... Wallowing, as it were.
But... there are a handful of people here he's come to like. It's helped buoy him in the swamp of his feelings, a little bit. He just feels too guilty to lean on them. )
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[Malice scoffs at that, but his grin is wry.]
But I think the fact that I can look back on it an' acknowledge it was a mistake an' I don't wanna do it again is progress, even if I don't like it. Back home, I was just sayin' it was their fault for trustin' a vampire in the first place.
[Which is true! But it is his fault still, so.]
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... It's a lot easier to blame someone else.
( But Mika never could. He always blamed himself, so... he can't say Malice's understanding is wrong, now. It's always your own fault, isn't it? Your weakness. )
... Is what you wanted a place among other vampires?
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Yeah. The vampire lord in the area - Rosalie - turned out to be my mom. 'Cause of some dumb vampire noble shit, I was left in the slums an' taken in by a human woman, so I never knew her. When she offered a place at her side as one of her own, I...
[His gaze darts for a moment before he corrects it and continues on in his usual cavalier way.]
I took it. Hell, I wouldn't have to fight for my life anymore an' I'd have a place to belong among vampires. It really seemed too good to be true. So I sold out the humans I was workin' with. Most of 'em died.
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... Was that their goal? Get rid of the human eyesores, and get rid of you?
( He assumes. He clearly does not think a vampire would ever keep their end of any bargain. )
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[And he went to her like a moth to flame. Malice scoffs.]
Hell, even when I ran away, that was part of her plan. It did result in findin' out what my Domain is, but I'm killin' the bastard who betrayed me, an' then she's next on the list.
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( No skin off his back if it is, mind. )
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[Though maybe it's just subjective? Or maybe he hasn't seen the full potential of his own Domain. Either way, he shrugs. Right now it's not that big a concern, anyway.]
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Still. )
... I can't really relate to letting go of the things I have for the promise of something better. But...
( ... )
... I was also used by vampires. I took what I saw at face value; I was sure... I'd outsmarted them.
I was stupid.
( And everyone paid the price for it. Mika doesn't forgive himself for the age he was at, either. Stripped of nuance, it was still his fault. )
... I don't trust myself not to make the same mistake again. But maybe you'll be luckier. ( Their mistakes are rooted in different failings, in the end. ) Whether or not... that makes you a better person.
( Not repeating the same mistake... is the least someone can ask for, for the people they care about. )
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Still, the words earn a smile.]
Yeah. I'm gonna keep tryin' even if it doesn't. I'm not the sort to give up easily.
Thanks, though. I appreciate it.
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... I haven't been a vampire for very long, but I've been making mistakes my whole life. I can at least something worthwhile about that stuff.
( A little wry, since Mika is well aware his feedback is akin to stewing than anything reassuring or productive. But... at least he gets it, for whatever that's worth. Malice can get the vamp stuff handled, and Mika can cover monumental screw-ups(?) )
... How long have you been alive, anyway?
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[Malice rubs the back of his neck as he considers.]
My memory's pretty fuzzy so I don't have an exact number for you. Probably twenty-somethin' years? Twenty-five at the most's my best guess.
[He should've just asked Rosalie but he was always so distracted by other things... Oh well.]
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... You're young. ( In terms of how long he's been a vampire. ) Older than me, but... every other vampire I've met is at least a couple hundred years old.
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[He nods at that part too; most of his kind do live to be that old so that checks out between worlds!]
Many of the nobles live to be that old, but if you're not a noble? It's a little hit or miss. Depends on how good you are at survivin' an' fightin'!
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( He rests his hand on his sword, rubbing his thumb against the hilt idly. )
... We... I can't die, in a normal way. At least, I couldn't, at home. I don't know about here.
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We're still pretty damn mortal. Enhanced reflexes an' senses an' Domains, but we die when we're killed.
[thanks malice.]
An' yeah, vampires turn on each other all the time. If it's not nobles doin' underhanded schemin' to get each other killed off, it's fights breakin' out over territory an' "prey".
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They have their share of scheming and picking each other off, too - though he stopped paying attention to anything after he was turned, and only reactivated when Yuu-chan returned to the picture. )
... Vampires are the same wherever you go, I guess. ( Except where theyr'e different, as just demonstrated, but ignoring that, ) Are you different because you were raised by a human?
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[But maybe that's for the best in some way; it's hard to ignore what he did when they've left their mark on him.]
I dealt with a lotta crap growin' up. Losin' my eye an' arm, bein' taken in an' abandoned frequently, losin' people an' tryin' to find new ones - but I'm still kickin'. But since I was so willin' to stand with humans, I think most of 'em must've rubbed off on me.
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... Maybe you'll become more human with time. I'm jealous.
( Says local XxXhumanhaterXxX... but even if humans are the worst, they're one step above vampires, and he's desperate for what he can get. )
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[There's no sarcasm there; Malice does love humans far more than he likes vampires, though as for whether or not he'd actually want to be one? Ehhhhh. It's Complicated. But being more human is never a bad thing as far as he's concerned.]
But there's no tellin' what your future holds for you, 'specially when you got dragged here of all places. So who knows, maybe I won't be the only one!
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... It'd be the first miracle I'd experience in a long, long time, if that really happens.
( Disbelief. But not an outright rejection.
A brief pause - a little awkward, somewhere within all his exhaustion. )
... I... thanks for visiting. I guess. You... can come again if you want.
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