[She's patient enough, but there is a moment where she considers that perhaps Mika has simply stepped out or doesn't want to be disturbed, so there's a little blink at when the door finally creaks open. The backdrop of darkness makes her wonder if he had actually been sleeping, but ah. Not from the looks of it, if his state is much to go by. In light of that, the dimness of the room takes a far more depressing context, but he's also standing there with his head fully connected to the rest of his body, so she'll take that as a plus even if Mika wouldn't.
So she will step into the room, albeit staying close to the door so she can still make out his features from the light flooding in from the hallway.]
Oh, hey. Um, how're you holding up after all that...?
( As Maya steps in, Mika will murmur his spell - donec moraire - and a ripple of light crosses the room, lighting the candles with the dimmest level of light. Though his room is usually low-lit, it almost feels like the current lack of light isn't a choice so much as because his heart's faltering a little too much - more than usual - making it difficult for the magic to carry through.
His brows furrow slight at the question, before he finally exhales, as if to expel the worst of the weight on his shoulders to actually answer. )
... I hate that it happened again.
( Terse and a little raw, but it's an honest answer, at least. )
... But I hate that I let it happen. And that I couldn't... get people to leave.
( Vocal chords cut or no, he feels responsible for not being able to shoo people away - or think to get out of there - in time, and for not being quicker than Khun's blade to prevent it all to begin with. )
[It doesn't escape her attention that the magic feels rather weak, but she won't draw attention to it, not unless the candles actually start to extinguish.
For now, she focuses on Mika--both the things he says and the things that are being expressed by his face, by his motions. And while she doesn't have his side of the story yet, she does know what she saw the moment she arrived on the scene.]
Mika-kun... I think you're being too hard on yourself. You were badly hurt, and you weren't in any condition to do that.
[A pause.]
But even if we suppose you were... we all made that choice to stay. So that's not something you need to blame yourself for.
... Do you really think it would've helped if any of you got hurt trying to help others? Do you think it wouldn't have just made things worse?
( Harsh, and it may even seem ungrateful - but he's frustrated. He's frustrated just based on the principle of it all: how can he protect someone - save people from himself - if they're always throwing themselves into danger? Do they not think about themselves?
Do they not think about the weight of their lives should they pass, and how he'd pick up their pall, and carry it? )
[Logically, she knows that Mika's not exactly wrong. Jumping in recklessly doesn't always end well for everyone involved, and sometimes it's better to stay on the sidelines. Nevertheless, she doesn't think they were wrong to do what they did in this instance, given what the alternative was.
So, she shakes her head and looks back at him with a stubborn gleam in her eyes.]
...I understand what you're getting at, but we weren't just going to abandon you. This wasn't like last time, either... Those of us who saw Khun-san with the knife would've known that we were stepping into a dangerous situation.
[Even if most the caution may have been directed at Khun, they had been aware of what Mika was capable of, especially with Solomon's warnings.]
( The worst part is knowing people meant well - and that they went into the risks with their eyes open is a bitter pill to swallow. It's hard to argue with people - humans - who are convinced of their path, driven by emotion, and not logic.
Had Mika been on the sidelines, he thinks he would have kept walking. How can they give back to him, when he would return so little?
He's... not someone worth it - who's worthy of hearing someone wouldn't abandon him, even if that's one of the things he's always... really, badly wanted. )
... And because it worked out, I just have to let it go?
( He knows he's fighting a losing battle - he can tell he's clearly not going to change her mind about getting involved - so he's just left with his frustration. )
I can't stop thinking about the things that could've gone wrong. I don't... understand how none of you do. Was it really worth it? Were either of us?
[It's not something she expects him to accept easily, given the stubbornness he's shown. And perhaps hoping for it would be selfishness, because when it comes down to it, Mika is entitled to his own thoughts and feelings on the matter, even if it runs contrary to her own.
That doesn't stop her from wishing for him to understand. Not necessarily today, or tomorrow, or even a month later. But there's a hope that some day, he would accept that he deserved kindness, that people would still care about what happened to him even if he tried to push them away.]
It's not that we weren't thinking about things going wrong. In fact, I think that everyone who stepped in to help was considering exactly that... If anything had gone wrong, then the both of you wouldn't be here now.
[Mika or Khun dying. That had been one of the worst case scenarios running through her head when she saw what was going on. So being able to see and converse with them after the incident meant that it was more than worth it to get involved, at least in her mind. But beyond that--]
People's lives aren't something that can be weighed like that... Because if a person dies, there's always going to be someone out there who will end up getting left behind...
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no subject
So she will step into the room, albeit staying close to the door so she can still make out his features from the light flooding in from the hallway.]
Oh, hey. Um, how're you holding up after all that...?
no subject
His brows furrow slight at the question, before he finally exhales, as if to expel the worst of the weight on his shoulders to actually answer. )
... I hate that it happened again.
( Terse and a little raw, but it's an honest answer, at least. )
... But I hate that I let it happen. And that I couldn't... get people to leave.
( Vocal chords cut or no, he feels responsible for not being able to shoo people away - or think to get out of there - in time, and for not being quicker than Khun's blade to prevent it all to begin with. )
no subject
For now, she focuses on Mika--both the things he says and the things that are being expressed by his face, by his motions. And while she doesn't have his side of the story yet, she does know what she saw the moment she arrived on the scene.]
Mika-kun... I think you're being too hard on yourself. You were badly hurt, and you weren't in any condition to do that.
[A pause.]
But even if we suppose you were... we all made that choice to stay. So that's not something you need to blame yourself for.
no subject
Mika's brows furrow that much more. )
... Do you really think it would've helped if any of you got hurt trying to help others? Do you think it wouldn't have just made things worse?
( Harsh, and it may even seem ungrateful - but he's frustrated. He's frustrated just based on the principle of it all: how can he protect someone - save people from himself - if they're always throwing themselves into danger? Do they not think about themselves?
Do they not think about the weight of their lives should they pass, and how he'd pick up their pall, and carry it? )
no subject
So, she shakes her head and looks back at him with a stubborn gleam in her eyes.]
...I understand what you're getting at, but we weren't just going to abandon you. This wasn't like last time, either... Those of us who saw Khun-san with the knife would've known that we were stepping into a dangerous situation.
[Even if most the caution may have been directed at Khun, they had been aware of what Mika was capable of, especially with Solomon's warnings.]
no subject
Had Mika been on the sidelines, he thinks he would have kept walking. How can they give back to him, when he would return so little?
He's... not someone worth it - who's worthy of hearing someone wouldn't abandon him, even if that's one of the things he's always... really, badly wanted. )
... And because it worked out, I just have to let it go?
( He knows he's fighting a losing battle - he can tell he's clearly not going to change her mind about getting involved - so he's just left with his frustration. )
I can't stop thinking about the things that could've gone wrong. I don't... understand how none of you do. Was it really worth it? Were either of us?
( Him or Khun. )
no subject
That doesn't stop her from wishing for him to understand. Not necessarily today, or tomorrow, or even a month later. But there's a hope that some day, he would accept that he deserved kindness, that people would still care about what happened to him even if he tried to push them away.]
It's not that we weren't thinking about things going wrong. In fact, I think that everyone who stepped in to help was considering exactly that... If anything had gone wrong, then the both of you wouldn't be here now.
[Mika or Khun dying. That had been one of the worst case scenarios running through her head when she saw what was going on. So being able to see and converse with them after the incident meant that it was more than worth it to get involved, at least in her mind. But beyond that--]
People's lives aren't something that can be weighed like that... Because if a person dies, there's always going to be someone out there who will end up getting left behind...