His gaze flicks to his lap, mouth thinning just slightly. Though he notes the lingering touch, he doesn't move to stop it, nor to bring it back. He's too deep in thought now.]
Mn. That would be our current physiology, I'm afraid. I would argue that none of us could truly get to one another easily, with how immediately the situation escalated, but...
[But he's tired. The arguments he might normally make feel too heavy.]
...It was a complicated situation, Jing Yuan. I didn't have the luxury of being careful. But... I still chose to take a risk, and a poor one at that, and I was not the only one that suffered for the choice.
[Watching Ahito get continuously pummeled no matter what they did... it made his chest ache.]
I can handle some wounds as a reminder. Lessons don't tend to stick well at my age.
[ That's fine. Jing Yuan is more focused on what he has to say, first and foremost, anyway.
He gives the other man a chance to present his side of the story as well; it's only fair. He sighs after that, either way.
Seeing Solomon so tired after that explanation, well. He thinks in the end even if he was concerned about how things went, and all that it entailed, he can't be angry at him. Just...worried, and concerned. ]
Mm. I see.
I can't say I was there to witness much of anything, seeing as I wasn't there. So, I will simply have faith that you did what you could, and the results speak for themselves. I know that despite that, it isn't like the entirety of your efforts had gone unappreciated either.
[ Whatever consequences Solomon's actions had, he does recall Malice commenting about him thinking that without him they wouldn't have made it back. ]
...That said, I can understand the idea of lessons taking perhaps longer to stick. Particularly if you are...how many centuries old?
[His eyes stay downward. Would Jing Yuan listen, if he were to explain himself? He seemed to be accepting at such a vague level, but would that change if he opened up to the details and let Jing Yuan's judgement descend on his decisions? It wouldn't change his heart.
...
There's a pause, a glance up to the other man - hard to read, but the closes to an acknowledgement of Jing Yuan catching onto something he hadn't quite meant to share. Were he to still have the energy, he would play dumb, just like their first meeting.
As it is now... well. Perhaps he just doesn't have it in him to be anything but completely cold... or quietly vulnerable.
His head shakes shallowly as his eyes draw back downwards.]
Malice stated that you were helpful and that he doubted you all would've made it out without your help.
Do you have another reason to think otherwise?
[ Jing Yuan sees the downcast look and he has to wonder what he's thinking. So of course he poses the question; he is, as it is, no mind reader, and though he has learned they are similar, he has also learned the hard way what it means. For both positives as well as negatives; and for what it means in terms of where their differences may lie.
The scope of which may be a vast ocean in the end for a man far older than he. Yet, at times, they seem so close in age. He shifts to sit on the edge on the side of the bed because he's been probably standing for a bit now. He's in closer reach if the other wishes to ask something of him anyways. ]
...Millenia. I can't say I have heard of many humans living to for quite a long time. Not even though cursed by immortality would easily reach such numbers.
[ He takes in his expression, trying to find the right words. ]
Is it something that pains you, to have persisted this long? Or perhaps the fact those lessons are harder to stick, due to living so long?
It's the fatigue talking, dear Jing Yuan. Please, pay it no mind.
[Feelings or otherwise, he can at least take this moment of quiet to correct himself on reality, as best as he could manage.
The question is one he isn't sure how to answer.
Pains him?
He knows his answer is yes. Ripping away the bandaid of the generations that pass over and over upon one another is an incredibly isolating experience, especially for one who did not ask for it. But it's not as though self pity could fix much in that regard.]
...
Both, perhaps. Most times, I prefer to just... live life as it comes now. Not worrying too much about a tomorrow that has not happened yet. But...
I don't find much comfort in how much I've still... completely forgotten in the span of it all. Perhaps this is a lesson I learned a thousand times over, and yet it still comes back to me like a stranger. Perhaps... I'm not as Wise as the world likes to call me.
Maybe I should be grateful that it still upsets me.
[ More importantly is the current topic, though it isn't like Jing Yuan goes around asking people's ages usually, in retrospect. But, here they are now where his curiosity has lead him...though, it was more than that too — and inevitably he wanders back a little, despite his own words a moment ago.
While looking upon the ones from a different old soul whose culminative experiences have lead up to the current present, and maybe found himself still lacking. ]
The world likes to imagine that those who are wise and ancient should make all their actions above reproach. Though, that is an impossibility.
Even longer-lived beings make the same mistakes. Even they forget.
And though it may be hardly much comfort now, I am of the mind even those who are long-lived and forgetful can improve. Speaking as one to another, even if I haven't reached anywhere near your age.
[ But, Jing Yuan knows the pain of making the same mistakes (and forgetting); that, at least, is something he is trying to communicate. ]
It may also sound strange, though all the same I am grateful that you care so much as well. There is always the danger of growing numb or accustomed to losing the capacity to hold such an important emotion. When that happens, whatever path you desired to tread may become far too muddled or may even become lost. And I never would wish for that to occur to you, as painful as it is now.
He could understand across many different species, sure. But humanity, humanity, that precious thing he tries so hard to continue to be a part of -- he sits so far away, alone in his experience. For no other human in history had lived as long as he has, nor have they seen the things he has seen.
He grows oddly quiet at the last statement.]
That's kind of you. [But the tone trails, in that way of insinuating "It's too late for that."
He exhales slowly. ]
Would you still consider yourself a person, Jing Yuan? A human?
[ Jing Yuan frowns a little at that, not exactly put off, though he supposes it isn't too surprising. He supposes it isn't unlike how the long-lived natives of the Xianzhou consider the short-lived species. So, it isn't wrong either.
There's no point in protesting, then, so he leaves it, focusing on the other responses.
Though, all the same, he takes pause when the other male responds as he has. It is not a thoughtless reply, but it is certainly something.
It's unfortunate all the same, because time itself is merciless, though in the end the implications are understandable; and perhaps in the end, expected for someone as long-lived as he is. He does not view him as pity, but wishes it were not so regardless. So he gives him a little wry smile at that, as appropriate as one may be in this situation, acknowledging that, before moving on. ]
I consider myself a person; a human. For all the drawbacks that it entails, and no matter what it means for those unfamiliar or familiar to what I am, or whatever kind of background that I had. No one else back home considers myself otherwise.
[ Such is the case for many long-lived Xianzhou Native 'humans' (the biology is a bit more...complex.) To the point until, well, whenever Mara takes hold of a Xianzhou native due to far too many stressors when they are in their twilight years. ]
And I have seen humans live for millennia; not just you. So, now I ask:
...Do you consider yourself a person, Solomon? A human?
[The same answer he'd given in their first talk, many weeks ago. But it's a weak response. Questioning, challenging, with Sophie's will having fought so hard against his own with every swallow, the line inside him wavering just slightly.
There's no doubt, no fear, no second guessing that which is important to him. Even now, that remains clear.
But the chasm his loneliness creates feels so suffocating, in these moments where he wonders. Not quite one, not quite the other, nothing like him in the universe - no one paralleled to The Witty Sorcerer - and yet was it right, to still have longing? To ache as he does now and still wish, after thousands of years, to simply be understood?
To be a part, but only from a distance, always from a distance.
...
He clears his throat, arms wrapping tight against himself as he lifts a hand to press against his eyes. No tears come, no shaking breath, but the fatigue still has him drawn paper thin.]
Sorry. I'm...
[A tired, rattling exhale, as he desperately tries to regain his composure.
He's so tired. He's so, so tired.]
What horrible conversation I've started over a cup of tea.
Is that a bad thing, or a good thing? They're both old and tired; Solomon the most tired of the two by far given his current state. Though it certainly is no competition.
Still, even so, Jing Yuan supposes where Solomon seems more resigned, in ways he can recognize, and see even in himself...he hasn't quite reached that threshold just yet. Maybe that's why, even as he nears the usual expected twilight years of a Xianzhou Native, he hasn't even considered retirement. Nor has he considered trying to stop moving forward, even so.
And he wishes desperately to reach out to Solomon, who knows no longer how to reach out to others. Even if Jing Yuan himself hardly remembers how.
(Isn't that a hoot?) ]
Haha, perhaps so. Though, it is my own fault for indulging it.
A pity, that the tea may be spoiled due to our combined efforts. So, how about I start one of my own? Please do leave a five-star review if you are rather satisfied with my efforts.
[ A weak attempt at light-hearted banter in all of this, and he even flashes Solomon a little smile that pales in comparison to most of his.
He shifts back closer on the bed. Seeing the man like this has him dare to reach out again; there is nothing calculated about this movement. It simply is what it is, when his hands smooth over those shoulders, and move to bring him close. The movements are slow and careful all the same, aiming for a complete embrace. ]
I am one who would happily tolerate a multitude of terrible conversations with you if it meant that you still lived. That you still persisted even in the face of a force that was not minimal in nature. And so that you would not all keep such thoughts in your head, so that I might hear them.
As it is, I cannot ever force you to say anything, though I also know something else may rest heavy in your heart, perhaps more matters than before. I wish, at times, I could help soothe it all.
After all, people like us live pretending our regrets do not, at times, exist, and that all is well, even if it is exhausting. But, you do know we are not getting any younger. Even if there are differences for how long we have existed, I see the same look in your eyes that I recognize in mine. Even if we have different reasons for them.
As General of the Luofu, I have lost much. I do not know what it is to reach out or trust in the way I used to when I was young. I fervently wish to go back to those days, to have those who have lost come back to me. But, I know it is impossible.
Even so, I find it frightening about letting someone grow close and losing them again. To letting someone know my weaknesses and all that I am only for it to result in nothing. Do you know what that is like, Solomon?
You do not have to answer. But, I will have you know that I truly thought I had lost once again, as foolish as it sounds.
Though, I wonder if I may yet lose you to whatever aches that exist in your own heart. I fervently hope that I would not.
[ He doesn't imagine anything picture-perfect. Jing Yuan thinks that there are so many complications in each of their hearts. But he will try again and again, even if it is hopeless. Maybe that's just the type of person he is. ]
He doesn't return the embrace at first, as though confused to its purpose. But as Jing Yuan starts to speak, Solomon's arms weakly lift to rest against the small of his back.
It's a lot to take in. A churning of feeling, of confusion, of hesitation.
Of understanding. Of being frightened by that. He, who was scared of so little anymore.
Surely this wasn't the result of a single frank conversation, of chess matches and songs on the piano... surely Jing Yuan speaks in jest. But the more the younger man speaks, the more it's clear that the general is being as honest as he can manage.
...
His forehead lowers to rest against Jing Yuan's shoulder, fingers tightening in the fabric against his back.]
This bold heart of yours...
[Dangerous, dangerous, bright despite the textures of age. Gentle despite its bite. Familiar, but only slightly.
This isn't hope he should have. But at least for the moment... for right now...
Jing Yuan's arms feel so warm.]
...Surely you can aim your hope at something brighter than an old soul like me.
[ Oh, certainly honest. It is, perhaps, one of the very few times he has been so open in the face of everything, and even though the scope of what it means to bear whatever he can manage is terrifying...
He desires to, more than anything.
Feelings that, despite his want to reach out, surprise him most of all. Even if, for a moment, when Solomon speaks about Jing Yuan's bold heart, he fears he has overstepped once again.
Instead, he feels the motion of the other man's arms resting against his back; the fingers tightening there too as his head lowers itself upon his shoulder. His own grip becomes firm, as he feels more certain that yes — this is the correct action to take, and that Solomon does not draw away. This time, he continues to hold on, willing to as long as he can. ]
No.
[ He then pauses to swallow, because he is trying to phrase that better. ]
...I mean to say that I have no intentions of directing my hopes elsewhere; you must know that I am not one to waver in my choices — my decisions. Besides, what is darkness without light? Shadows without brightness? Rain without sunshine?
And, perhaps even more pertinent, I recall the radiance of that laughter I have heard before from you that did not sound too dissimilar to brilliant bells calling gently in the breeze. At that time I had wondered...is there truly any brighter sound than that?
[ A rare acute nervousness prickles at him, but he continues to speak nonetheless.
Yet, despite these words, he says: ]
...But, in the end, it is all in your hands.
[ If Solomon would wish for Jing Yuan to truly begin to land with his aim — this hope. Whether if he can truly desire to grasp a hold of that hand he wishes Solomon to take — for whatever this is to be bridged, even if in certain, unquantifiable, but possibly identifiable increment amounts.
Regardless, to Jing Yuan, Solomon is dear to him. And he can't refute that. ]
His weight shifts slightly - just enough to accomodate that tightening hold, to quietly bury his face further against the other man's neck with closed eyes and a weary pace of inhale and exhale. He would not be able to fight himself out of this grip, even if he wanted to.]
...
I'm... tired, Jing Yuan.
I'm not in control of your heart, just like you have no control of mine. And I do not know you as well as you claim... nor do you know me.
[He's not against it, though. This warmth, this care, this strange and strong figure of a man. But theres still so much left unknown. Still so much of himself that Jing Yuan has no idea about. It feels... deceptive. That Jing Yuan has possibly found joy in a shadow, and not in Solomon.
He lets out another rattling breath, his weight loose in Jing Yuan's arms.]
Please... just speak plainly to me about what you want. Do not leave it to me. I prefer your boldness to this hesitance you've hidden yourself underneath.
[ Jing Yuan certainly can't know what the man so happens to be thinking in his fatigue. Though, he finds himself a little surprised, all the same. Does Solomon really prefer his boldness, given the last time he had remarked on it had not been for the good?
Such as it is, Solomon's words make him give pause. Not for the first of them, but rather, the last. ]
You're right that I do not.
And that you do not know much of myself in turn. Which, in the end, brings me to my answer.
[ He pauses still, closing his eyes, holding Solomon as close as possible in his arms without it being comfortable, cherishing this warmth. For his next words might certainly be spoken at what is perceived to be the wrong time (but it hardly ever seems like there is a right one), or taken otherwise in a way that Jing Yuan himself never intended. But, he realizes he can't control that.
He can only speak honestly, and hope that Solomon at the very least doesn't think ill of him for it. ]
I wish for the opportunity to get to know you intimately, Solomon. Not only just in the way friends would come to know each other, nor associates with their distant relations.
To this, I ask:
Would you permit me? Would you permit me the opportunity to court you?
[ Jing Yuan would rather pepper his reasoning with more, but if Solomon says he prefers his boldness, he will give it once more. No embellishments, no nothing. The fallout can be dealt with as it comes. ]
He'd expected something along these lines, given Jing Yuan's previous advances. But it's nice to hear it directly. It helps to soothe the hammering of his heart in his chest, uneven and uncertain in equal measures.
Does he want to explore this? This feeling of warmth, this desire for intimacy? Does he want to challenge this fear of his, that this may be a fool's errand for them both?
...
And yet... what do they have to lose, at this point, but their time?
His fingers drag carefully in their grip, an intentional flex through the fabric of the back of Jing Yuan's shirt. It's all the energy that he has to expend, all he can do to return that squeezing hold.
And, despite himself... he laughs. Weak and weary, but a laugh nonetheless. Like bells on the wind.]
Asking a question like that when a man is at his weakest, Jing Yuan? What a true tactician you are.
...
If you can be patient, and keep asking for what it is you want... then I don't see any reason to decline you.
[He's glad Jing Yuan can't see his face in this position. Surely he would be tinged with more warmth, were he not already weak from blood loss.]
You fascinate me, General. I... would like to learn why that is, for myself... If you would let me bewitch you in turn.
[ Jing Yuan blinks in the silence of his ask, or perhaps clear declaration of intent; for a man like himself, who is able to foresee a great many things on the battlefield, personal relations are often a black hole of uncertainty.
Such that it is, when he feels Solomon's fingers move purposefully so in the way that they do, Jing Yuan believes he can understand that this time matters will not proceed so wrongfooted in his last attempt.
Though the beautiful laugh is the true marker of certainty for him, the sound uplifting his heart as if it were granted wings to be made to take flight. ]
Pardon me for my unintentional tactics.
[ He teases back, though...the confirmation has him quiet for a moment, moving one hand to lightly rub at the other's back for a bit. ]
Do not worry. I can be patient; a man like myself has had centuries to learn how to do so in the first place, and asking does quite easy to myself. Should I say that it is fortuitous I am able to do both with at least decent flair?
But, ah...fascinating, is it? I suppose I could at least say that you have quite a grand head-start on your bewitching. I look forward to whatever you can learn about myself, naturally. It is rare that I allow others the opportunity...
[ Jing Yuan asks cheekily in a faux innocent tone.
The nerve, right? Though, Solomon's initial comment about his pulse doesn't really hit its mark. Rather, it is the question that keeps it where it is, still running quite a bit more than what Jing Yuan would have dared to admit on his own. But, with Solomon making it clear... ]
Haha, how embarrassing to have you point it out.
But, perhaps? Nervous yet...happy, to hold you like this, in my arms. I can only hope you continue to feel as warm and comfortable as you must be within such a secure hold.
[ Solomon can't see it, as Jing Yuan tends to react differently to certain teases most might, but his cheeks are now sporting a soft blush across them. ]
Ah ah. Isn't that a rather tall order, given the current state I'm in?
[Blood loss is a bitch and he's going to be cold for a while. Of course everything will feel comfortable.
Naturally, he's jesting. But it keeps his own heart from following in suit with Jing Yuan's.
He lets his hands withdraw from behind Jing Yuan, a careful dragging against his waist, curling his fingers lightly against the warm space of his stomach. His face stays tucked down, feeling for that pulse, listening to his breathing, filling in the space with just enough tension to fuel his teasing, speaking his words against the warmth of his neck.]
You do not need to assume for me. The day I stop being able to know what it is I want is the day I am due for my deathbed. [And right now... Jing Yuan is warm, Jing Yuan is soft, Jing Yuan is acting so adorably.] So, instead... I'd like to hear what you hope for yourself.
Is it truly such a tall order? I thought it might be relatively easy, considering your position.
[ So, naturally, with his arms around Solomon, he figures it would be a no brainer that it'd be comfortable in his arms. Fufu, look at how smooth he is...
Okay, no.
He feels the touch wander, along with Solomon speaking into his neck enough for him to startle minutely. Jing Yuan just raises one hand to the back of Solomon's head to card through that short hair affectionately concentrated at the back. Half because he wants to and half because if he doesn't do something, he will not be able to focus on anything else other than Solomon's teasing efforts, and there may be a problem downstairs. ]
Thankfully, for you, that is a time that is far, far away. [ His hopes? For himself? ] I...
...is it strange to say I hadn't thought much about it myself? I've always been dutybound for so long that I dare say before I was brought here, I'd almost forgotten. What I hoped for myself was to see or know the Xianzhou Alliance is flourishing under my protection, and even without.
But, there's other things too. Wanting to travel the stars, a still childish wish for being a Galaxy Ranger, and of course...hoping to spend so many special moments with you.
Edited (nothing changed, just verbiage) 2024-05-29 23:43 (UTC)
Precisely my point, Jing Yuan. Unless you don't want my review to be nuanced. I could just give an easy full marks, but... I'd like to think you're worth a little more than your body heat.
[He does shift his weight slightly, finding he doesn't quite have the energy and furrowing his brow with a sigh.]
Mm... here, further back on the bed with you, please... [He'll tug at his arm with one weak grip as the other hand presses gently against his stomach, a very fragile direction for Jing Yuan to reposition himself.] If I'm to be in your arms while we talk, I want to see your face clearly.
[...]
Have your people succeeded in that, I take it? Travelling through the cosmos?
[ Jing Yuan actually finds himself feeling like he wishes to laugh at that, which most might not, but he never pictured himself as the most simplest of men either. Still, he doesn't disagree with what Solomon's said; he does think himself more worth than that. That said, he can't help the warm smile that spreads across his face at the ask. ]
Oh, that is a request I have no trouble in obliging.
[ Jing Yuan will shift to reposition himself so that he is a bit further back on the bed in such a way that Solomon can see his face, even while the man certainly is held within his arms. ]
...Ah, I suppose I haven't mentioned that as of yet, have I? But, you would be correct in assuming that they have. The Xianzhou Alliance is easily able to travel the far reaches of space...no matter where one is. [ He sounds VERY confident about that!! ] Though, it isn't leisurely travel, mind you.
The fleet travels for business or duty. What I'm thinking of would be neither one of those things.
[There's a sigh of relief as Solomon lets his weight flop a little more bonelessly with the extra space, letting his back rest against the curve between Jing Yuan's chest and the support of his arm, his head now lolled to the side against his shoulder. Mm. This feels nice.]
A fleet, even? So something that's been established... incredible.
You'd want to be more of an explorer, then? Or is there something else more important to being a Ranger than that sort of freedom?
[He can't help but think of the Rangers from Leviathan's television shows... superheroes that travelled the realms fighting for justice or some other pure sort of good in that line. He's sure Levi would have plenty to nitpick here... or maybe he'd be all starry eyed and a thousand miles a minute in his words.]
[ Doesn't it just? The gentle warmth provided by Solomon's shift in position is, as always, welcome as the one that has been present due to him being so close in the first place — and the giddiness that returns with a vengeance surges forward.
But, let's be honest...did it ever leave in the first place? ]
A fleet in space indeed. I am not surprised that it is considered quite a novel.
Yes, something of an explorer. But also a Galaxy Ranger is one who fights for others. To uphold justice by their own hands, and punish those who act unrighteous on various places and worlds.
[ ...
So, yes. They can be comparable to other Rangers, as it were. The way Jing Yuan says so, as if trying to contain vestiges of childish (or is it childish...?) excitement is probably evident as well.
Mayhaps is what partially motivated his interest in serving the Cloud Knights originally; though as a Cloud Knight there is less freedom. The same as a General, even though the actions he can take are many more than a soldier. ]
So, yes, one typically has more freedom to go from place to place, because while they endeavor to uphold a just cause, they are not constrained by duty or any other processes that might be assigned by society. Not to mention, it'd be far easier in general to just travel as oneself as opposed to an entire civilization at a time.
A... vigilante of sorts, then? A hero for the people?
[That's... really adorable, actually. Seeing such a proper man wanting to go off and play superhero among the stars and not be stuck in the politics of it... it's like looking at a little boy's heart in a grown man's body.]
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no subject
His gaze flicks to his lap, mouth thinning just slightly. Though he notes the lingering touch, he doesn't move to stop it, nor to bring it back. He's too deep in thought now.]
Mn. That would be our current physiology, I'm afraid. I would argue that none of us could truly get to one another easily, with how immediately the situation escalated, but...
[But he's tired. The arguments he might normally make feel too heavy.]
...It was a complicated situation, Jing Yuan. I didn't have the luxury of being careful. But... I still chose to take a risk, and a poor one at that, and I was not the only one that suffered for the choice.
[Watching Ahito get continuously pummeled no matter what they did... it made his chest ache.]
I can handle some wounds as a reminder. Lessons don't tend to stick well at my age.
no subject
He gives the other man a chance to present his side of the story as well; it's only fair. He sighs after that, either way.
Seeing Solomon so tired after that explanation, well. He thinks in the end even if he was concerned about how things went, and all that it entailed, he can't be angry at him. Just...worried, and concerned. ]
Mm. I see.
I can't say I was there to witness much of anything, seeing as I wasn't there. So, I will simply have faith that you did what you could, and the results speak for themselves. I know that despite that, it isn't like the entirety of your efforts had gone unappreciated either.
[ Whatever consequences Solomon's actions had, he does recall Malice commenting about him thinking that without him they wouldn't have made it back. ]
...That said, I can understand the idea of lessons taking perhaps longer to stick. Particularly if you are...how many centuries old?
no subject
[His eyes stay downward. Would Jing Yuan listen, if he were to explain himself? He seemed to be accepting at such a vague level, but would that change if he opened up to the details and let Jing Yuan's judgement descend on his decisions? It wouldn't change his heart.
...
There's a pause, a glance up to the other man - hard to read, but the closes to an acknowledgement of Jing Yuan catching onto something he hadn't quite meant to share. Were he to still have the energy, he would play dumb, just like their first meeting.
As it is now... well. Perhaps he just doesn't have it in him to be anything but completely cold... or quietly vulnerable.
His head shakes shallowly as his eyes draw back downwards.]
Not centuries.
Millenia.
no subject
Malice stated that you were helpful and that he doubted you all would've made it out without your help.
Do you have another reason to think otherwise?
[ Jing Yuan sees the downcast look and he has to wonder what he's thinking. So of course he poses the question; he is, as it is, no mind reader, and though he has learned they are similar, he has also learned the hard way what it means. For both positives as well as negatives; and for what it means in terms of where their differences may lie.
The scope of which may be a vast ocean in the end for a man far older than he. Yet, at times, they seem so close in age. He shifts to sit on the edge on the side of the bed because he's been probably standing for a bit now. He's in closer reach if the other wishes to ask something of him anyways. ]
...Millenia. I can't say I have heard of many humans living to for quite a long time. Not even though cursed by immortality would easily reach such numbers.
[ He takes in his expression, trying to find the right words. ]
Is it something that pains you, to have persisted this long? Or perhaps the fact those lessons are harder to stick, due to living so long?
no subject
...Mn. No, it's not quite that.
It's the fatigue talking, dear Jing Yuan. Please, pay it no mind.
[Feelings or otherwise, he can at least take this moment of quiet to correct himself on reality, as best as he could manage.
The question is one he isn't sure how to answer.
Pains him?
He knows his answer is yes. Ripping away the bandaid of the generations that pass over and over upon one another is an incredibly isolating experience, especially for one who did not ask for it. But it's not as though self pity could fix much in that regard.]
...
Both, perhaps. Most times, I prefer to just... live life as it comes now. Not worrying too much about a tomorrow that has not happened yet. But...
I don't find much comfort in how much I've still... completely forgotten in the span of it all. Perhaps this is a lesson I learned a thousand times over, and yet it still comes back to me like a stranger. Perhaps... I'm not as Wise as the world likes to call me.
Maybe I should be grateful that it still upsets me.
no subject
Mm. Very well, then.
[ More importantly is the current topic, though it isn't like Jing Yuan goes around asking people's ages usually, in retrospect. But, here they are now where his curiosity has lead him...though, it was more than that too — and inevitably he wanders back a little, despite his own words a moment ago.
While looking upon the ones from a different old soul whose culminative experiences have lead up to the current present, and maybe found himself still lacking. ]
The world likes to imagine that those who are wise and ancient should make all their actions above reproach. Though, that is an impossibility.
Even longer-lived beings make the same mistakes. Even they forget.
And though it may be hardly much comfort now, I am of the mind even those who are long-lived and forgetful can improve. Speaking as one to another, even if I haven't reached anywhere near your age.
[ But, Jing Yuan knows the pain of making the same mistakes (and forgetting); that, at least, is something he is trying to communicate. ]
It may also sound strange, though all the same I am grateful that you care so much as well. There is always the danger of growing numb or accustomed to losing the capacity to hold such an important emotion. When that happens, whatever path you desired to tread may become far too muddled or may even become lost. And I never would wish for that to occur to you, as painful as it is now.
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["Beings", though... that clouds his eyes.
He could understand across many different species, sure. But humanity, humanity, that precious thing he tries so hard to continue to be a part of -- he sits so far away, alone in his experience. For no other human in history had lived as long as he has, nor have they seen the things he has seen.
He grows oddly quiet at the last statement.]
That's kind of you. [But the tone trails, in that way of insinuating "It's too late for that."
He exhales slowly. ]
Would you still consider yourself a person, Jing Yuan? A human?
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[ Jing Yuan frowns a little at that, not exactly put off, though he supposes it isn't too surprising. He supposes it isn't unlike how the long-lived natives of the Xianzhou consider the short-lived species. So, it isn't wrong either.
There's no point in protesting, then, so he leaves it, focusing on the other responses.
Though, all the same, he takes pause when the other male responds as he has. It is not a thoughtless reply, but it is certainly something.
It's unfortunate all the same, because time itself is merciless, though in the end the implications are understandable; and perhaps in the end, expected for someone as long-lived as he is. He does not view him as pity, but wishes it were not so regardless. So he gives him a little wry smile at that, as appropriate as one may be in this situation, acknowledging that, before moving on. ]
I consider myself a person; a human. For all the drawbacks that it entails, and no matter what it means for those unfamiliar or familiar to what I am, or whatever kind of background that I had. No one else back home considers myself otherwise.
[ Such is the case for many long-lived Xianzhou Native 'humans' (the biology is a bit more...complex.) To the point until, well, whenever Mara takes hold of a Xianzhou native due to far too many stressors when they are in their twilight years. ]
And I have seen humans live for millennia; not just you. So, now I ask:
...Do you consider yourself a person, Solomon? A human?
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Of course I do.
[The same answer he'd given in their first talk, many weeks ago. But it's a weak response. Questioning, challenging, with Sophie's will having fought so hard against his own with every swallow, the line inside him wavering just slightly.
There's no doubt, no fear, no second guessing that which is important to him. Even now, that remains clear.
But the chasm his loneliness creates feels so suffocating, in these moments where he wonders. Not quite one, not quite the other, nothing like him in the universe - no one paralleled to The Witty Sorcerer - and yet was it right, to still have longing? To ache as he does now and still wish, after thousands of years, to simply be understood?
To be a part, but only from a distance, always from a distance.
...
He clears his throat, arms wrapping tight against himself as he lifts a hand to press against his eyes. No tears come, no shaking breath, but the fatigue still has him drawn paper thin.]
Sorry. I'm...
[A tired, rattling exhale, as he desperately tries to regain his composure.
He's so tired. He's so, so tired.]
What horrible conversation I've started over a cup of tea.
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Is that a bad thing, or a good thing? They're both old and tired; Solomon the most tired of the two by far given his current state. Though it certainly is no competition.
Still, even so, Jing Yuan supposes where Solomon seems more resigned, in ways he can recognize, and see even in himself...he hasn't quite reached that threshold just yet. Maybe that's why, even as he nears the usual expected twilight years of a Xianzhou Native, he hasn't even considered retirement. Nor has he considered trying to stop moving forward, even so.
And he wishes desperately to reach out to Solomon, who knows no longer how to reach out to others. Even if Jing Yuan himself hardly remembers how.
(Isn't that a hoot?) ]
Haha, perhaps so. Though, it is my own fault for indulging it.
A pity, that the tea may be spoiled due to our combined efforts. So, how about I start one of my own? Please do leave a five-star review if you are rather satisfied with my efforts.
[ A weak attempt at light-hearted banter in all of this, and he even flashes Solomon a little smile that pales in comparison to most of his.
He shifts back closer on the bed. Seeing the man like this has him dare to reach out again; there is nothing calculated about this movement. It simply is what it is, when his hands smooth over those shoulders, and move to bring him close. The movements are slow and careful all the same, aiming for a complete embrace. ]
I am one who would happily tolerate a multitude of terrible conversations with you if it meant that you still lived. That you still persisted even in the face of a force that was not minimal in nature. And so that you would not all keep such thoughts in your head, so that I might hear them.
As it is, I cannot ever force you to say anything, though I also know something else may rest heavy in your heart, perhaps more matters than before. I wish, at times, I could help soothe it all.
After all, people like us live pretending our regrets do not, at times, exist, and that all is well, even if it is exhausting. But, you do know we are not getting any younger. Even if there are differences for how long we have existed, I see the same look in your eyes that I recognize in mine. Even if we have different reasons for them.
As General of the Luofu, I have lost much. I do not know what it is to reach out or trust in the way I used to when I was young. I fervently wish to go back to those days, to have those who have lost come back to me. But, I know it is impossible.
Even so, I find it frightening about letting someone grow close and losing them again. To letting someone know my weaknesses and all that I am only for it to result in nothing. Do you know what that is like, Solomon?
You do not have to answer. But, I will have you know that I truly thought I had lost once again, as foolish as it sounds.
Though, I wonder if I may yet lose you to whatever aches that exist in your own heart. I fervently hope that I would not.
[ He doesn't imagine anything picture-perfect. Jing Yuan thinks that there are so many complications in each of their hearts. But he will try again and again, even if it is hopeless. Maybe that's just the type of person he is. ]
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He doesn't return the embrace at first, as though confused to its purpose. But as Jing Yuan starts to speak, Solomon's arms weakly lift to rest against the small of his back.
It's a lot to take in. A churning of feeling, of confusion, of hesitation.
Of understanding. Of being frightened by that. He, who was scared of so little anymore.
Surely this wasn't the result of a single frank conversation, of chess matches and songs on the piano... surely Jing Yuan speaks in jest. But the more the younger man speaks, the more it's clear that the general is being as honest as he can manage.
...
His forehead lowers to rest against Jing Yuan's shoulder, fingers tightening in the fabric against his back.]
This bold heart of yours...
[Dangerous, dangerous, bright despite the textures of age. Gentle despite its bite. Familiar, but only slightly.
This isn't hope he should have. But at least for the moment... for right now...
Jing Yuan's arms feel so warm.]
...Surely you can aim your hope at something brighter than an old soul like me.
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He desires to, more than anything.
Feelings that, despite his want to reach out, surprise him most of all. Even if, for a moment, when Solomon speaks about Jing Yuan's bold heart, he fears he has overstepped once again.
Instead, he feels the motion of the other man's arms resting against his back; the fingers tightening there too as his head lowers itself upon his shoulder. His own grip becomes firm, as he feels more certain that yes — this is the correct action to take, and that Solomon does not draw away. This time, he continues to hold on, willing to as long as he can. ]
No.
[ He then pauses to swallow, because he is trying to phrase that better. ]
...I mean to say that I have no intentions of directing my hopes elsewhere; you must know that I am not one to waver in my choices — my decisions. Besides, what is darkness without light? Shadows without brightness? Rain without sunshine?
And, perhaps even more pertinent, I recall the radiance of that laughter I have heard before from you that did not sound too dissimilar to brilliant bells calling gently in the breeze. At that time I had wondered...is there truly any brighter sound than that?
[ A rare acute nervousness prickles at him, but he continues to speak nonetheless.
Yet, despite these words, he says: ]
...But, in the end, it is all in your hands.
[ If Solomon would wish for Jing Yuan to truly begin to land with his aim — this hope. Whether if he can truly desire to grasp a hold of that hand he wishes Solomon to take — for whatever this is to be bridged, even if in certain, unquantifiable, but possibly identifiable increment amounts.
Regardless, to Jing Yuan, Solomon is dear to him. And he can't refute that. ]
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His weight shifts slightly - just enough to accomodate that tightening hold, to quietly bury his face further against the other man's neck with closed eyes and a weary pace of inhale and exhale. He would not be able to fight himself out of this grip, even if he wanted to.]
...
I'm... tired, Jing Yuan.
I'm not in control of your heart, just like you have no control of mine. And I do not know you as well as you claim... nor do you know me.
[He's not against it, though. This warmth, this care, this strange and strong figure of a man. But theres still so much left unknown. Still so much of himself that Jing Yuan has no idea about. It feels... deceptive. That Jing Yuan has possibly found joy in a shadow, and not in Solomon.
He lets out another rattling breath, his weight loose in Jing Yuan's arms.]
Please... just speak plainly to me about what you want. Do not leave it to me. I prefer your boldness to this hesitance you've hidden yourself underneath.
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Such as it is, Solomon's words make him give pause. Not for the first of them, but rather, the last. ]
You're right that I do not.
And that you do not know much of myself in turn. Which, in the end, brings me to my answer.
[ He pauses still, closing his eyes, holding Solomon as close as possible in his arms without it being comfortable, cherishing this warmth. For his next words might certainly be spoken at what is perceived to be the wrong time (but it hardly ever seems like there is a right one), or taken otherwise in a way that Jing Yuan himself never intended. But, he realizes he can't control that.
He can only speak honestly, and hope that Solomon at the very least doesn't think ill of him for it. ]
I wish for the opportunity to get to know you intimately, Solomon. Not only just in the way friends would come to know each other, nor associates with their distant relations.
To this, I ask:
Would you permit me? Would you permit me the opportunity to court you?
[ Jing Yuan would rather pepper his reasoning with more, but if Solomon says he prefers his boldness, he will give it once more. No embellishments, no nothing. The fallout can be dealt with as it comes. ]
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He'd expected something along these lines, given Jing Yuan's previous advances. But it's nice to hear it directly. It helps to soothe the hammering of his heart in his chest, uneven and uncertain in equal measures.
Does he want to explore this? This feeling of warmth, this desire for intimacy? Does he want to challenge this fear of his, that this may be a fool's errand for them both?
...
And yet... what do they have to lose, at this point, but their time?
His fingers drag carefully in their grip, an intentional flex through the fabric of the back of Jing Yuan's shirt. It's all the energy that he has to expend, all he can do to return that squeezing hold.
And, despite himself... he laughs. Weak and weary, but a laugh nonetheless. Like bells on the wind.]
Asking a question like that when a man is at his weakest, Jing Yuan? What a true tactician you are.
...
If you can be patient, and keep asking for what it is you want... then I don't see any reason to decline you.
[He's glad Jing Yuan can't see his face in this position. Surely he would be tinged with more warmth, were he not already weak from blood loss.]
You fascinate me, General. I... would like to learn why that is, for myself... If you would let me bewitch you in turn.
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Such that it is, when he feels Solomon's fingers move purposefully so in the way that they do, Jing Yuan believes he can understand that this time matters will not proceed so wrongfooted in his last attempt.
Though the beautiful laugh is the true marker of certainty for him, the sound uplifting his heart as if it were granted wings to be made to take flight. ]
Pardon me for my unintentional tactics.
[ He teases back, though...the confirmation has him quiet for a moment, moving one hand to lightly rub at the other's back for a bit. ]
Do not worry. I can be patient; a man like myself has had centuries to learn how to do so in the first place, and asking does quite easy to myself. Should I say that it is fortuitous I am able to do both with at least decent flair?
But, ah...fascinating, is it? I suppose I could at least say that you have quite a grand head-start on your bewitching. I look forward to whatever you can learn about myself, naturally. It is rare that I allow others the opportunity...
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Unless your pulse speaks more for you.
[He's being held so close, there is no mistaking the feeling of Jing Yuan's heart hammering in his chest and neck in tandem.
His words stay weak, light, but teasing in the way a curious cat might, tail flicking to and fro.]
You really are quite nervous right now, aren't you?
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[ Jing Yuan asks cheekily in a faux innocent tone.
The nerve, right? Though, Solomon's initial comment about his pulse doesn't really hit its mark. Rather, it is the question that keeps it where it is, still running quite a bit more than what Jing Yuan would have dared to admit on his own. But, with Solomon making it clear... ]
Haha, how embarrassing to have you point it out.
But, perhaps? Nervous yet...happy, to hold you like this, in my arms. I can only hope you continue to feel as warm and comfortable as you must be within such a secure hold.
[ Solomon can't see it, as Jing Yuan tends to react differently to certain teases most might, but his cheeks are now sporting a soft blush across them. ]
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[Blood loss is a bitch and he's going to be cold for a while. Of course everything will feel comfortable.
Naturally, he's jesting. But it keeps his own heart from following in suit with Jing Yuan's.
He lets his hands withdraw from behind Jing Yuan, a careful dragging against his waist, curling his fingers lightly against the warm space of his stomach. His face stays tucked down, feeling for that pulse, listening to his breathing, filling in the space with just enough tension to fuel his teasing, speaking his words against the warmth of his neck.]
You do not need to assume for me. The day I stop being able to know what it is I want is the day I am due for my deathbed. [And right now... Jing Yuan is warm, Jing Yuan is soft, Jing Yuan is acting so adorably.] So, instead... I'd like to hear what you hope for yourself.
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[ So, naturally, with his arms around Solomon, he figures it would be a no brainer that it'd be comfortable in his arms. Fufu, look at how smooth he is...
Okay, no.
He feels the touch wander, along with Solomon speaking into his neck enough for him to startle minutely. Jing Yuan just raises one hand to the back of Solomon's head to card through that short hair affectionately concentrated at the back. Half because he wants to and half because if he doesn't do something, he will not be able to focus on anything else other than Solomon's teasing efforts, and there may be a problem downstairs. ]
Thankfully, for you, that is a time that is far, far away. [ His hopes? For himself? ] I...
...is it strange to say I hadn't thought much about it myself? I've always been dutybound for so long that I dare say before I was brought here, I'd almost forgotten. What I hoped for myself was to see or know the Xianzhou Alliance is flourishing under my protection, and even without.
But, there's other things too. Wanting to travel the stars, a still childish wish for being a Galaxy Ranger, and of course...hoping to spend so many special moments with you.
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[He does shift his weight slightly, finding he doesn't quite have the energy and furrowing his brow with a sigh.]
Mm... here, further back on the bed with you, please... [He'll tug at his arm with one weak grip as the other hand presses gently against his stomach, a very fragile direction for Jing Yuan to reposition himself.] If I'm to be in your arms while we talk, I want to see your face clearly.
[...]
Have your people succeeded in that, I take it? Travelling through the cosmos?
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Oh, that is a request I have no trouble in obliging.
[ Jing Yuan will shift to reposition himself so that he is a bit further back on the bed in such a way that Solomon can see his face, even while the man certainly is held within his arms. ]
...Ah, I suppose I haven't mentioned that as of yet, have I? But, you would be correct in assuming that they have. The Xianzhou Alliance is easily able to travel the far reaches of space...no matter where one is. [ He sounds VERY confident about that!! ] Though, it isn't leisurely travel, mind you.
The fleet travels for business or duty. What I'm thinking of would be neither one of those things.
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A fleet, even? So something that's been established... incredible.
You'd want to be more of an explorer, then? Or is there something else more important to being a Ranger than that sort of freedom?
[He can't help but think of the Rangers from Leviathan's television shows... superheroes that travelled the realms fighting for justice or some other pure sort of good in that line. He's sure Levi would have plenty to nitpick here... or maybe he'd be all starry eyed and a thousand miles a minute in his words.]
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But, let's be honest...did it ever leave in the first place? ]
A fleet in space indeed. I am not surprised that it is considered quite a novel.
Yes, something of an explorer. But also a Galaxy Ranger is one who fights for others. To uphold justice by their own hands, and punish those who act unrighteous on various places and worlds.
[ ...
So, yes. They can be comparable to other Rangers, as it were. The way Jing Yuan says so, as if trying to contain vestiges of childish (or is it childish...?) excitement is probably evident as well.
Mayhaps is what partially motivated his interest in serving the Cloud Knights originally; though as a Cloud Knight there is less freedom. The same as a General, even though the actions he can take are many more than a soldier. ]
So, yes, one typically has more freedom to go from place to place, because while they endeavor to uphold a just cause, they are not constrained by duty or any other processes that might be assigned by society. Not to mention, it'd be far easier in general to just travel as oneself as opposed to an entire civilization at a time.
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[That's... really adorable, actually. Seeing such a proper man wanting to go off and play superhero among the stars and not be stuck in the politics of it... it's like looking at a little boy's heart in a grown man's body.]
What a rule breaker that would make you.
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