Mika is - a little surprised by the remark?? He can understand people trying to be understanding because they're naive and stupid (and human), but... looking out for him specifically is something else entirely.
He seems... resistant?? Reluctant... He isn't sure how he wants to parse this - especially since he's still not sure how he wants to approach Malice in his mind. )
... You really are weird, for a vampire.
( He says it almost as a placeholder, because he's a little on the backfoot.
... )
... I don't know how I am. I hate... that I let it happen, but I didn't think it would. I went really far out in the forest... ( It just sounds like excuses to him now, though. ) ... I hate that this thing that I am dragged me back here. And I can't even say it was against my will, since... that thirst is me.
[The first part gets a wry grin from him - he sure is. And he wouldn't have it any other way. Being a weirdo is who he is, deal with it.]
It's awful, knowing you gotta hurt people just to survive. 'Specially when they didn't do a damn thing to deserve it.
[The grin vanishes and Malice folds his good arm, tapping his nails against his other arm.]
I haven't been through anythin' like what you just went through. Where I'm from, when we lose ourselves like that... we don't come back. So despite everythin', I'm glad you did.
[Because usually you don't. Vampires put down their own when they've lost themselves, and it's never an act of mercy. They look on those vampires with disgust, with hatred, because it's a reminder of what awaits them if they ever slip up.
Mika slipped up. But he's still here. He's still Mika.]
So I can only guess at how you're feelin', but I think I've got a better idea of it than most people. You can talk to me 'bout this kind of stuff, yeah? If you ever need an ear who'll kinda get it, anyway.
( He rubs his arm a little, unsure. He's never talked to another vampire about how he feels, nor had one sympathize with him or be glad for him, all for good reason - so it's weird to just... have that avenue. And with everything else gone on tonight - it's all just... )
... How did you get used to it? ( His gaze is somewhere to the side, to his desk in the corner, almost southward - just not on Malice. ) While... still caring?
[Malice glances up at the ceiling again as he considers the question.]
...Gonna be honest with you, I don't really remember. A lotta my earliest memories are fuzzy. But I do remember a human woman who always tried to look out for me. She treated me with kindness even when I'd done nothin' to deserve it. She provided for me, givin' me her own blood an' insistin' that it didn't hurt, that she wanted to help keep me alive.
[...]
If I had to point at any one thing in my past that made it easier, it was her. Knowin' that there are people out there who'll love ya no matter who or what you are an' are willin' to help, even if it comes at a cost to them... It really did give me the strength to keep goin'. She wasn't the only one either. I found another guy who was always willin' to offer up his blood whenever I needed it, an' all he wanted in exchange was my power to help him fight against the vampires.
[And all of that went great until... No, he's not going to think about that. Malice shakes his head.]
I guess what I'm tryin' to say is that for me, I couldn't really turn off the ability to care. So I had to get used to it. An' I found people who helped with that. I dunno how easy that'll be back in your world, but in this one? We've gotta lotta bleedin' hearts here.
( Mika listens, and listens... It isn't easy not to purse his lips at, frustrated at the naivete of these humans - suspicious toward their imagined ulterior motives, but...
He turns all this over in his head. While he weighs it, he asks: )
... I don't think I'll have to worry much about my world, at least.
( A terrible blessing, that really isn't. But it is what it is. )
... Did you care that they might've been using you? ( The second guy, especially. ) I'm sure you must've considered it.
'Course I was worried 'bout it. I was too young at the time - an' too desperate - to think 'bout it the first time around, but with Cody? Yeah. Every damn day I was waitin' for him to reveal he was usin' me. An' every damn day he made it his mission to prove me wrong.
[Malice shakes his head once that's out there.]
I just got done dealin' with a bastard who did betray me. An' you'll never guess it... but he was a damn vampire.
[So moral of the story: all vampires are terrible.]
Not that I'm sayin' all humans are good, mind you. I've had my fair share of run-ins with terrible humans too.
His gaze settles on Malice. He seems... unsure of how to take that - that there could be a human so dead-set on proving himself good. Isn't that more suspicious? It reminds him a little of Yuu's friends, though. His friends, who... didn't seem to be using Yuu, the way Mika thought. Even now, he still harbors doubts; but he... also has to believe they were decent, or else that means he left Yuu in the care of lions. )
... As far as I'm concerned, all humans do more harm than good. They're made of arrogance and greed, and they don't care who they hurt, only that they believe in that what they're doing now is worthwhile.
( Something he believes, genuinely - yet, it leaves his lips with a little less conviction than usual. Humans have a fundamentally damaging nature, in broad strokes. He's seen it - tangibly; known it, painfully. But... lost in that bigger picture is the finer details of kindness - the kindness Malice has experienced, and Mika had seen tonight. )
... But... that doesn't excuse treating them like lesser. ( Like food, he means. ) I think... losing control of myself, no matter who the victim is; whether they, themself, are cruel... That makes you a monster regardless, doesn't it?
[It sounds like Mika does believe that - and it's not like he's wrong. After all, there's not as much difference between humans and vampires as Malice would like to believe. He's seen humans act as cruel as vampires, after all, so maybe it's just that he wants to believe there are more good humans than terrible ones.
But at the very least, it seems Mika's questioning it, given the hesitation. After all, he's dealt with a pretty strange experience tonight, with so many of them trying to help him.]
Agreed. Even if they're cruel, even if they may deserve somethin', it doesn't mean that you aren't awful. It's a delicate line to walk, but we've got no choice but to tread it. So just take it one step at a time - an' don't be afraid to pause for a moment, or ask for help if ya need it.
( Yeah... Malice puts it succinctly. It's weird, but not in a bad way, to hear how he feels mirrored back to him. He had been the first new vampire in a very, very long time - even if Mika wanted to talk to someone about it, there was no one fresh enough to still care about the things he struggled with. Simply gazes of vague amusement, if not vacancy - an understanding that he would not worry over these things for very long. )
... What kind of help is there, for something like this? Other than being put down?
Hah, c'mon, d'ya think I need to be put down when I've always been like this?
[It's an unfair question and he knows it, but he asks it anyway because maybe it'll help Mika stop seeing everything in black and white.
(Maybe it'll help him, too.)]
Like it or not, this's our lot in life now. The best you can do is control it, so you don't hurt people unwillingly again. You made a mistake. You hurt people. But they're reachin' out a hand to try an' help you despite that - so the least you can do for 'em is make sure not to hurt 'em.
Yep. That's just how it goes. They know it, an' we know it. The ones that are nervous 'bout it will make that plain enough. But there'll always be the ones who aren't nervous - either 'cause they trust us or 'cause that's just their nature. Either way, they're willin' to put themselves on the line to help out.
As for why... I'm not really sure, honestly. I think some of it is wantin' to believe that we aren't terrible people, just people who've got an unfortunate lot in life.
I tried to be, for awhile. But I threw that away when I was given a chance at... power, maybe. Family? Feelin' like I belonged somewhere.
...I just hadn't realized I'd already found it.
[It was such a stupid mistake to make. Malice shakes his head.]
I don't wanna make that same mistake again. Can't take back what I did back home, but I can at least work with the people here an' try to keep 'em safe. So no, I ain't a good person, but I'm tryin' to be at least a bit better, an' that's gotta count for somethin'.
( rip Malice's eye... That's two more permanent injuries he would've expected from a vampire. Still, that means the family thing was more recent than both those things... Though that might not mean much, since he's not sure how long Malice-style vampires live. )
... I don't know how it was for you... ( What that promise of power and belonging looked like - versus what the belonging he already had was like... ) ... But I also had a family.
( A place to belong; by choice, and by love. )
... I don't think I can make up for their blood on my hands. I can't imagine... there's a way to return from that.
( He doesn't think there's a way to be better. Still - he doesn't pass judgment on Malice so much as himself. Malice may believe he can improve, somewhat... but Mika doesn't think the same of himself.
Maybe, in some way, he had expected the injury to be some kind of cosmological punishment for Malice - the way being turned into a vampire was some kind of punishment for Mika (or so he believes). Else, he wouldn't have asked that, right then. )
[What happened to them? he wants to ask, but Malice refrains. It sounds like it was difficult, whatever it was. And in the end, Mika blames himself. "All you can do is atone without end in sight." Yeah. He's not surprised to hear that from Mika, but...]
I wanna believe there's more I can do than just regret what I've done... but if there is, I don't really know what it is.
Not that I've really let myself stop an' think 'bout it since it happened. I guess this place is the step back from all'a that that I... needed? Yeah. Needed.
[He would've been perfectly content to continue to brush it off and blame other people instead, like he'd been doing back home, but now... He really does want to do better, even if he can't undo the damage he caused.]
( Mika feels like the longer he's with his own thoughts, the deeper in them he sinks... Wallowing, as it were.
But... there are a handful of people here he's come to like. It's helped buoy him in the swamp of his feelings, a little bit. He just feels too guilty to lean on them. )
But I think the fact that I can look back on it an' acknowledge it was a mistake an' I don't wanna do it again is progress, even if I don't like it. Back home, I was just sayin' it was their fault for trustin' a vampire in the first place.
( But Mika never could. He always blamed himself, so... he can't say Malice's understanding is wrong, now. It's always your own fault, isn't it? Your weakness. )
... Is what you wanted a place among other vampires?
[Malice nods at the first part. It sure is... It's been a mess actually acknowledging that it's his own fault.]
Yeah. The vampire lord in the area - Rosalie - turned out to be my mom. 'Cause of some dumb vampire noble shit, I was left in the slums an' taken in by a human woman, so I never knew her. When she offered a place at her side as one of her own, I...
[His gaze darts for a moment before he corrects it and continues on in his usual cavalier way.]
I took it. Hell, I wouldn't have to fight for my life anymore an' I'd have a place to belong among vampires. It really seemed too good to be true. So I sold out the humans I was workin' with. Most of 'em died.
Not exactly. Gettin' rid of the humans was a nice bonus, but she could'a crushed 'em at any time. She wanted me, but not 'cause I'm hers, but 'cause of my Domain. She couldn't figure out what it was, but thought it was powerful, so she wanted to study me.
[And he went to her like a moth to flame. Malice scoffs.]
Hell, even when I ran away, that was part of her plan. It did result in findin' out what my Domain is, but I'm killin' the bastard who betrayed me, an' then she's next on the list.
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Mika is - a little surprised by the remark?? He can understand people trying to be understanding because they're naive and stupid (and human), but... looking out for him specifically is something else entirely.
He seems... resistant?? Reluctant... He isn't sure how he wants to parse this - especially since he's still not sure how he wants to approach Malice in his mind. )
... You really are weird, for a vampire.
( He says it almost as a placeholder, because he's a little on the backfoot.
... )
... I don't know how I am. I hate... that I let it happen, but I didn't think it would. I went really far out in the forest... ( It just sounds like excuses to him now, though. ) ... I hate that this thing that I am dragged me back here. And I can't even say it was against my will, since... that thirst is me.
( So the mood rn is self-loathing, basically, )
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It's awful, knowing you gotta hurt people just to survive. 'Specially when they didn't do a damn thing to deserve it.
[The grin vanishes and Malice folds his good arm, tapping his nails against his other arm.]
I haven't been through anythin' like what you just went through. Where I'm from, when we lose ourselves like that... we don't come back. So despite everythin', I'm glad you did.
[Because usually you don't. Vampires put down their own when they've lost themselves, and it's never an act of mercy. They look on those vampires with disgust, with hatred, because it's a reminder of what awaits them if they ever slip up.
Mika slipped up. But he's still here. He's still Mika.]
So I can only guess at how you're feelin', but I think I've got a better idea of it than most people. You can talk to me 'bout this kind of stuff, yeah? If you ever need an ear who'll kinda get it, anyway.
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... How did you get used to it? ( His gaze is somewhere to the side, to his desk in the corner, almost southward - just not on Malice. ) While... still caring?
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...Gonna be honest with you, I don't really remember. A lotta my earliest memories are fuzzy. But I do remember a human woman who always tried to look out for me. She treated me with kindness even when I'd done nothin' to deserve it. She provided for me, givin' me her own blood an' insistin' that it didn't hurt, that she wanted to help keep me alive.
[...]
If I had to point at any one thing in my past that made it easier, it was her. Knowin' that there are people out there who'll love ya no matter who or what you are an' are willin' to help, even if it comes at a cost to them... It really did give me the strength to keep goin'. She wasn't the only one either. I found another guy who was always willin' to offer up his blood whenever I needed it, an' all he wanted in exchange was my power to help him fight against the vampires.
[And all of that went great until... No, he's not going to think about that. Malice shakes his head.]
I guess what I'm tryin' to say is that for me, I couldn't really turn off the ability to care. So I had to get used to it. An' I found people who helped with that. I dunno how easy that'll be back in your world, but in this one? We've gotta lotta bleedin' hearts here.
[It's affectionate, though. They're good people.]
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He turns all this over in his head. While he weighs it, he asks: )
... I don't think I'll have to worry much about my world, at least.
( A terrible blessing, that really isn't. But it is what it is. )
... Did you care that they might've been using you? ( The second guy, especially. ) I'm sure you must've considered it.
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'Course I was worried 'bout it. I was too young at the time - an' too desperate - to think 'bout it the first time around, but with Cody? Yeah. Every damn day I was waitin' for him to reveal he was usin' me. An' every damn day he made it his mission to prove me wrong.
[Malice shakes his head once that's out there.]
I just got done dealin' with a bastard who did betray me. An' you'll never guess it... but he was a damn vampire.
[So moral of the story: all vampires are terrible.]
Not that I'm sayin' all humans are good, mind you. I've had my fair share of run-ins with terrible humans too.
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His gaze settles on Malice. He seems... unsure of how to take that - that there could be a human so dead-set on proving himself good. Isn't that more suspicious? It reminds him a little of Yuu's friends, though. His friends, who... didn't seem to be using Yuu, the way Mika thought. Even now, he still harbors doubts; but he... also has to believe they were decent, or else that means he left Yuu in the care of lions. )
... As far as I'm concerned, all humans do more harm than good. They're made of arrogance and greed, and they don't care who they hurt, only that they believe in that what they're doing now is worthwhile.
( Something he believes, genuinely - yet, it leaves his lips with a little less conviction than usual. Humans have a fundamentally damaging nature, in broad strokes. He's seen it - tangibly; known it, painfully. But... lost in that bigger picture is the finer details of kindness - the kindness Malice has experienced, and Mika had seen tonight. )
... But... that doesn't excuse treating them like lesser. ( Like food, he means. ) I think... losing control of myself, no matter who the victim is; whether they, themself, are cruel... That makes you a monster regardless, doesn't it?
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But at the very least, it seems Mika's questioning it, given the hesitation. After all, he's dealt with a pretty strange experience tonight, with so many of them trying to help him.]
Agreed. Even if they're cruel, even if they may deserve somethin', it doesn't mean that you aren't awful. It's a delicate line to walk, but we've got no choice but to tread it. So just take it one step at a time - an' don't be afraid to pause for a moment, or ask for help if ya need it.
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... What kind of help is there, for something like this? Other than being put down?
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[It's an unfair question and he knows it, but he asks it anyway because maybe it'll help Mika stop seeing everything in black and white.
(Maybe it'll help him, too.)]
Like it or not, this's our lot in life now. The best you can do is control it, so you don't hurt people unwillingly again. You made a mistake. You hurt people. But they're reachin' out a hand to try an' help you despite that - so the least you can do for 'em is make sure not to hurt 'em.
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... There's always going to be a risk of hurting them, though. No matter how hard either of us try.
( He isn't disagreeing, exactly - it's just... hard for him to make peace with it. )
... I just don't get it. Why would they trust something that can hurt them?
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Yep. That's just how it goes. They know it, an' we know it. The ones that are nervous 'bout it will make that plain enough. But there'll always be the ones who aren't nervous - either 'cause they trust us or 'cause that's just their nature. Either way, they're willin' to put themselves on the line to help out.
As for why... I'm not really sure, honestly. I think some of it is wantin' to believe that we aren't terrible people, just people who've got an unfortunate lot in life.
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... Are you? A good person.
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[The answer comes immediately.]
I tried to be, for awhile. But I threw that away when I was given a chance at... power, maybe. Family? Feelin' like I belonged somewhere.
...I just hadn't realized I'd already found it.
[It was such a stupid mistake to make. Malice shakes his head.]
I don't wanna make that same mistake again. Can't take back what I did back home, but I can at least work with the people here an' try to keep 'em safe. So no, I ain't a good person, but I'm tryin' to be at least a bit better, an' that's gotta count for somethin'.
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... )
... Is that how you lost your arm?
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[So wearing his bangs over one eye is not just an aesthetic choice, it's to hide that that eye is gone.]
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... I don't know how it was for you... ( What that promise of power and belonging looked like - versus what the belonging he already had was like... ) ... But I also had a family.
( A place to belong; by choice, and by love. )
... I don't think I can make up for their blood on my hands. I can't imagine... there's a way to return from that.
( He doesn't think there's a way to be better. Still - he doesn't pass judgment on Malice so much as himself. Malice may believe he can improve, somewhat... but Mika doesn't think the same of himself.
Maybe, in some way, he had expected the injury to be some kind of cosmological punishment for Malice - the way being turned into a vampire was some kind of punishment for Mika (or so he believes). Else, he wouldn't have asked that, right then. )
... All you can do is atone without end in sight.
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I wanna believe there's more I can do than just regret what I've done... but if there is, I don't really know what it is.
Not that I've really let myself stop an' think 'bout it since it happened. I guess this place is the step back from all'a that that I... needed? Yeah. Needed.
[He would've been perfectly content to continue to brush it off and blame other people instead, like he'd been doing back home, but now... He really does want to do better, even if he can't undo the damage he caused.]
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( Mika feels like the longer he's with his own thoughts, the deeper in them he sinks... Wallowing, as it were.
But... there are a handful of people here he's come to like. It's helped buoy him in the swamp of his feelings, a little bit. He just feels too guilty to lean on them. )
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[Malice scoffs at that, but his grin is wry.]
But I think the fact that I can look back on it an' acknowledge it was a mistake an' I don't wanna do it again is progress, even if I don't like it. Back home, I was just sayin' it was their fault for trustin' a vampire in the first place.
[Which is true! But it is his fault still, so.]
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... It's a lot easier to blame someone else.
( But Mika never could. He always blamed himself, so... he can't say Malice's understanding is wrong, now. It's always your own fault, isn't it? Your weakness. )
... Is what you wanted a place among other vampires?
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Yeah. The vampire lord in the area - Rosalie - turned out to be my mom. 'Cause of some dumb vampire noble shit, I was left in the slums an' taken in by a human woman, so I never knew her. When she offered a place at her side as one of her own, I...
[His gaze darts for a moment before he corrects it and continues on in his usual cavalier way.]
I took it. Hell, I wouldn't have to fight for my life anymore an' I'd have a place to belong among vampires. It really seemed too good to be true. So I sold out the humans I was workin' with. Most of 'em died.
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... Was that their goal? Get rid of the human eyesores, and get rid of you?
( He assumes. He clearly does not think a vampire would ever keep their end of any bargain. )
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[And he went to her like a moth to flame. Malice scoffs.]
Hell, even when I ran away, that was part of her plan. It did result in findin' out what my Domain is, but I'm killin' the bastard who betrayed me, an' then she's next on the list.
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( No skin off his back if it is, mind. )
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