[ In his eagerness he almost leans in too close, head bump barely avoided. But this is really exciting news! If it means Mika can taste the dishes he used to like - ]
Then let’s! The things you used to like - and maybe dishes you haven’t tried yet.
( Oh— definitely surprised, given he didn't think this would provoke this much excitement? Ginger's... really nice.
But he'd never thought of possibly being able to taste things again. A part of him had given up, and a part of him never considered it - the "diet" back home for most people was scraps and rations, so it barely registered. Even noticing the distinct shift in taste here... he still wouldn't have thought twice about it if Ginger hadn't thought of this.
Man... Rum's really lucky. He better be changing his mind about Ginger (positively) while Ginger's away. )
Is it really that exciting? ( He says, but... it's flattering. Weird? Nice? To have someone... excited for him. ) ... If you're going to go through all the trouble... could I at least be there when you eat?
( This sounds weird, but, )
... I at least want to know if you're enjoying those things, too.
Oh - it’ll be like we’re sharing meals, like a family. [ In a tone that says he likes the idea. Mika is so smart. ] I’m there when you eat, and you’re there when I eat. It’s only fair.
And it’s not like I’d ever say no to spending more time with you?
[ He’s the type to glue himself to Rum, to miss him when they’re not partners for a day (eternity, longing, wasting away), to mope when he has plans with other friends for the evening (the night is long and endless). Imagine having more than one friend before coming here. Honestly can’t relate. ]
( He's normally pretty against normalizing vampiric feeding, but, when Ginger puts it like that - that these things in combination are something a family might do, and it's something that clearly makes Ginger happy... Mika seems to perk up some, only to be hit with Ginger's last line - he wasn't expecting it, so it's a critical hit. )
... Yeah, well... I mean, I told you before you can find me whenever, but... you really can. ( He's not good at the passionate "because we're family!!" thing Yuu's stellar at, but he's sincere. ) I'd probably figure out more things I like hanging out with you, anyway...
( He doubts he's going to develop any preferences on his own (whether this is an apt assessment is unknown just yet). Anyway, Mika can wander alone, but, unfortunately, he's a codependent person... it feels right to be beside someone in some way. The world feels more vibrant then. )
But I... have to limit myself, or else I'll want to monopolize your time. I mean, I do want that.
[ But he knows that gets annoying. He's annoying, Rum says so all the time. Most people need the occasional alone time; rarely are they like Ginger. Needy, clingy... even in the way he touches Mika. ]
( Mika does recognize that as unhealthy, but... he's at that crossroads again where where he doesn't want Ginger to feel bad for being what he is. When Yuu's unhealthy, it's a choice - but, if this is just part of Ginger's birthright... you know. What else is he supposed to do if Mika tells him to be different? It's like asking Mika to not eat. He's sure Ginger would try, the way Mika would starve himself. But it'd just leave them hungry, wallowing in their own guilt over things they can't change. He's fine with that for himself, but he'd rather not put Ginger through that.
Besides... he's still assuming Ginger makes friends easily, so is it really "monopolizing" Mika's time if he's probably "monopolizing" a lot of other people's time, too? )
... Well, that depends. What would make you happier? Feeling like you're controlling it? Or just doing it?
( Mika would be happier controlling his bloodlust... but he's not going to assume Ginger's urges are a perfect mirror to his. )
[ It’s not as easy of an answer for Ginger. He think… being careful would make him happier. It hurts when he’s with Rum because the chance of heartbreak is high - and he’d die without him, he’d die alone.
Mika… Mika won’t break his heart. They’re not in love, but they care for each other. Deeply, he thinks. Mika is his heart’s guardian angel, in a way.
And Mika is not and should never be a replacement for Rum. They’re both important to him in different ways. They’re both special, one of a kind. ]
Controlling it… It’s important that you have… a choice. I’m not tying you to me. [ But - please, please choose to stay, until you go back to your Yuu-chan. ] What would make me happiest is if seeing me made you smile with your heart, like you did earlier.
[ It was pretty. ]
Mm. When you feel like smiling, I hope you do. I want to see all your smiles.
( Mika's busy pondering Ginger's answer when he continues, catching Mika off guard again. Jeez... He hopes it's not too obvious that it flusters him - he doesn't have much pride, but it is a little embarrassing. He's not really used to someone being so invested in him - other than Yuu. )
... I think... I stopped smiling around everyone but Yuu-chan. But...
( ... It's been easier to smile around Ginger. Maybe because they're similar? But not - the same. Mika wouldn't be able to stand seeing himself in a mirror; he hates himself too much. Ginger is comfortable enough to understand, but foreign enough to care about.
Maybe he's leaning too much on him. Is he being unfair? (The worries return...) Ginger seems to like their arrangement, though. He's... too caring, Mika thinks. )
... Why don't we keep it simple? You visit me whenever you want, as much as you think is reasonable. ( Controlled, to Ginger's own standard. ) And I'll visit you whenever I want. So you know it's my choice.
( And... if Ginger gets him to smile then, well, it'll be genuine, so... that should make Ginger happy. (The both of them tossing the happiness ball back into each other's courts,) )
[ (It’s a happiness tennis ball, so Ginger will bring it back to Mika every single time, wag wag) ]
Mika, you’re brilliant! That’s a good plan. [ He’s wagging now - though his metaphorical tail did slow to an uncertain stutter when Mika mentioned that he’d stopped smiling.
He hopes Mika will talk to him enough to fill in the emptiness of two years; he hopes Mika finds reason to smile at Yuu-chan again, at Ginger, at the things he likes. The things they both like. And maybe -
Maybe… one day Mika can talk about himself and smile. ]
( In the wake of Ginger's words, he hears - the dying gasp of the children at the orphanage; Yuu's scrambled footsteps as he runs away. He's really bad at making plans, normally. But he's always haunted by these memories, so this isn't enough to make him falter - there's just a moment where he seems to dim before he regains himself.
Despite everything said so far, and though Ginger is unique to him, Mika doesn't consider himself unique to Ginger - which is good. It limits what damage Mika can do to him, he thinks. And he wants to take good care of Ginger and his heart while they're both here, without Ginger suffering the consequences of his association.
He's just glad he can make Ginger happy in these small ways, right now. )
... Don't complain when I pester you, then.
( He doubts Ginger would, but, he teases slightly anyway. Mika has less anxiety about being a nuisance - he'll easily come by once a day or night just to see what he's doing and hang out while he does it.
His cool palms press lightly against either side of Ginger's neck where it meets the shoulder. )
Your pulse changes a little bit when you're happy. You know that?
( He's not sure how it feels to admit that, but he can't help that his senses are attuned to blood. One palm runs up along the length of the neck, coming to a rest at the corner of his jaw - fingers curling light into the hair, almost barely brushing against the skin.
Lingering along the arteries is a tricky thing - it's hard as having a ripe fruit in your hand, and not biting into it. But he can control it right now. It... really has become easier, since he started to eat more regularly. )
... I think it affects the taste, too. ( It's a little muddled under what the bite forces victims to feel, but. ) Though - you should feel how you want.
( Mika foreseeing a future where Ginger gets hung up on being happy for Mika's palate... )
[ He laughs a little, soft in the quiet of Mika’s room. What a strange… compliment? He’ll take it as one. ]
I’ll put that on my resume.
[ Does Mika want him to tilt his head? He leans into the hand at his jaw, exposing more of his neck to the dim light. Not quite a nuzzle. Puppy behavior, honestly. ]
I… think the end result will be the same. [ Because, well. ] Are you sure it doesn’t make you uncomfortable?
[ He’s almost certain it’ll just happen again and again. Dreads the day it happens outside of feeding. If it’s with someone other than Mika… ]
( He can control it... He can control it........,,,,, Ginger presenting his neck to him - troubles the part of him that loathes everything about himself as it pertains to vampires, but it - really stirs something in him, in that bestial and primal part.
He takes Ginger's jaw, his cheek, a little more firmly, like a caress, his face sinking closer...
Oh, Ginger asked a question, uh, sorry he was distracted, )
... I... Well— I just feel bad leaving you to it... mostly.
( He looks up from where he is, cheek nearly at rest on Ginger's shoulder. It's hard for him to say if it's uncomfortable or not because it's such a weird situation... It's an impersonal boner; Mika barely registers sex; it's kind of the bite's fault, and Ginger's dad's... )
... Are you sure I can't do anything to help?
( Don't ask if he has an idea because he doesn't; at least, not right now, short of the vampiric devil on his shoulder that suggests sucking more blood so none of it can go down south. )
[ The problem with names is: once it becomes important to him, familiar in the way it feels on his tongue, the name can be said with a million different inflections.
He says Mika’s name in red, heavy in the air and like a plea.
It’s the affection, but also the way Mika settles in his arms, head by his shoulder. Mouth by his neck where that feeling will scorch him from within. Those lips say his name. To his shame, he already feels the start of it - just on memory alone. ]
I can’t ask that. [ It would be a mistake. He’d make himself sick. ] I don’t want to desire you in an impossible way.
[ And it would, at that point, become desire. Even worse, a habit, another need. And then his wicked mind would be free to think of all the ways Mika could… help. ]
Mika lifts his head, realizing - the most obvious outcomes in their minds run different. Mika would have sooner come upon the idea of a cold soak (and an offer to keep everyone out from the baths...) than, well, what Ginger seems to have thought of. And he feels a little guilty for it. Insensitive, maybe?
The way Ginger says his name lingers in his mind. )
( ... "I think that urge is supposed to feel nice when it’s with someone you love"... )
... Sorry.
( He says, again, a little more settled. Setting aside the sort of insane things Mika may or may not be willing to do for the people he cares for... He thinks it'd just hurt Ginger, in the end. It's not really worth whatever it might help Ginger with in the short term.
Mika would love it, if Ginger offered his neck to him all the time. But it'd hurt him, the Mika trying to be normal, in the long run, he thinks. It's probably something like that. )
Um... If you accidentally think of me, or something... I get it. I'm not gonna get weird about it. Same thing with... how the bite makes you feel. Because... I know that's not normally how you feel about me. The way I don't... see you as food, and stuff.
But... sorry if I accidentally cross a line. I really don't think about it at all.
[ It’s just him. It’s not Mika. But it feels like a rejection either way, even if he hadn’t meant it in that way. He pulls Mika closer, arms closing around his back, chin tucking into his hair. As if he could cocoon himself around the other, make him feel wanted. Even if, eventually if he doesn’t want to desire Mika in an impossible way.
He doesn’t - he wants… He wants to have him impossibly close instead. ]
Please take it back? Don’t apologize. I’m sorry. [ Does his pulse seem like it’s still happy? He’s uncertain what his own mood is right now. ] It’s not your fault I’m like - this.
[ That he carries his important feelings for Mika and Rum right next to this thing he can’t control. ]
I would let you do anything to me, if you wanted, but that. It’s something you should only do if you want it for yourself.
So - even if I think of you, or say your name - [ Or dream. Those poisonous dreams. ] - you don’t ever have to - help.
( Did he say the wrong thing...? The - hug? surprises him, and for a moment he hesitates, but... He decides to meet it, a little awkward - arms loose around the neck.
What Ginger says bothers him, because it reminds him of the sort of thing he'd say himself. His self-torturing existence isn't something he really wants for him. )
... I wouldn't be doing it because I have to. I'd want to help. But... you said you want to do it with someone you love.
( Maybe that's not exactly what Ginger said, but that's what he understood from it. It's kind of what he understands from Ginger drawing a line here, too - there should probably be love involved. (Or just regular desire, but... well... He guesses people can sleep together without love... but... would that make Ginger happy?) )
... I know you don't like what you are ( and samesies, too ), but... You're just Ginger to me. And I like you the way you are. So...
[ That kind of sounds like Mika thinks it would be impossible to love him, which - ]
I’ll love you! [ Eh? Wait, backtrack… backtrack… ] I mean… I already like you so much. I think… those feelings only grow…?
[ Liking Mika feels like one of the easiest things in the world. Ginger has no doubt he’ll keep finding things to like about him - he’ll keep caring to the point of tripping into love.
It would be cool in the soothing way Mika’s words tend to be. A little awkward, but quite charming to Ginger. A love that makes him smile, a love that’s like holding hands. ]
Because… we’re family… [ Right? ] But being in love is… a little… different.
( It's a good thing Ginger clarified that he was talking about two different kinds of love here because Mika totally didn't get it immediately - a hot flash across his face, still a little bit a teen. But Ginger does clarify, and he's just, ah, oops, )
... We're family. ( Verbally stumbling a little bit, and confirming the most important thing first. ) It's— I mean... yeah, it's... you'd want to do that kind of thing with someone you're in love with, right...? I thought... I'd just hurt you by saying I'd be fine, or something...
( But then he messed up anyway...? Relationships are complicated. His fingers curl in... Mika had put a label on this to parse it all better, but he'd not even considered the L-word yet - even if it's an intrinsic part of being family.
The idea of Ginger's love... makes him warm. But it also twists his stomach, a little. Ginger's thought process is right - Mika doesn't think he deserves it, or that he can be, in the long run. Kind as Ginger is. Maybe it's because Ginger's kind that Mika knows he deserves so much better.
He just hopes he can do right enough by Ginger before it's time for them to return to their homes - before Mika has a chance to mess up. )
[ He hugs Mika tighter and stays quiet for a long moment. He wishes he were better at words, wishes he knew how to supplement his clumsy sentences with the right gestures and expressions. Wishes this hug could tell Mika all of what his heart feels.
(And trapped in his arms, Mika wouldn’t be able to run.)
(He won’t run anyway.)
But that’s too much. He can’t be too much at once. So a little at a time: ]
… It does hurt - when you act like you’re just some… thing… I can use and you’re fine with that. You’re Mika. You’s so important to me. You’ll always be important to me now.
[ Because that’s how Ginger is. He thinks in forever. He has forever. He doesn’t know if Mika does - and that’s… hard to wrap his head around right now.
Mika had implied something earlier, he thinks. Something finite and terrible - no. He buries his nose in Mika’s hair. No. ]
But… you can’t help being everything that you are, just like I can’t help being everything that I am, so - what if, from now on, we stop apologizing?
( Mika hesitates, but listens - what Ginger says now in concert with what he just said a moment before, about loving him, and echoes uncomfortably familiar with Solomon told him the night with all that blood: that there could eventually be someone he cares for who wants him to be happy, whose happiness asks for his own as a scaffold.
What had Mika said then? He knows he'd said he'd cross that bridge when he got there, thinking he never would. But... he knows he said he'd try. It wasn't any firmly binding vow, but—
Ginger's worth trying for, he thinks. He's just scared of not being able to be better than what he is now, even if he puts the effort in.
... )
... Okay.
( Quietly. Okay. No more apologies.
A little less awkwardly, and a little more certainly, the arms around Ginger's neck wind around into a proper hold, a hand careful at the back of Ginger's head, as Ginger holds him tight. (His nape, so close...)
His lips part to begin with an apology, before he catches himself. Ah... )
... I really... like you. I've just... never figured out how to do right by the people I like, I guess. ( Letting himself be hurt, be used - was all he'd known. ) But, I...
( It's strange, to have - someone new in his life, that he's come to feel so firmly attached to. Someone since Yuu, someone who - cares for him so much, thinks of him so much, even though Mika is the sort of person he is. Mika wants to think himself immune, but - how could he not love Ginger in turn?
It felt right, to wrap him up in the idea of family. It felt dear, and safe. )
... I really would do anything for you, I think. ( That's the feeling he gets. ) I wish I could say it as clearly as you do... when you call me important. I... want you to know you're important, too... Ginger.
( And he says his name a little softer, with care in every sound, as if hoping it would articulate what he thinks he's not saying enough of. Words are not his forte - it's these sacrifices he makes. But Ginger isn't made happy by them, so he's stumbling, tongue-tied. )
[ He listens and listens. Breathes in slowly when Mika says his name like that. He’ll remember that forever, he thinks. He wishes he could have seen the expression Mika had, the way his mouth had shaped Ginger’s name.
Though if Mika were to say his name like that in public, his heart would probably burst into a million shards of light, all matching the shades of Mika’s eyes. ]
… Yeah. I know. You tell me all the time in little ways.
[ Holding out his hand for Ginger to take, for one. ]
And sometimes really big ways. When you told me to leave that night, when you told me not to die - you weren’t even in your right mind, but you fought so hard.
[ Against his own instinct to survive. ‘If you die, I'll rip my own heart out.’ ]
How many times tonight? At least a dozen? Two? And - [ Tone soft and warm, a little teasing. His feelings for Mika bubble up, giddy little pops that follow the quick beat of his heart. ] - you say you don’t know to do right. But you can listen to my pulse right now and know.
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no subject
... Maybe? I can kinda tell diet, when I drink... You'd probably have to eat a lot of it, though.
( So long as Ginger doesn't mind that... )
... As long as it wouldn't make you sick or anything, I wouldn't mind trying it.
no subject
[ In his eagerness he almost leans in too close, head bump barely avoided. But this is really exciting news! If it means Mika can taste the dishes he used to like - ]
Then let’s! The things you used to like - and maybe dishes you haven’t tried yet.
[ Ginger’s tall. He can do this for Mika. ]
no subject
But he'd never thought of possibly being able to taste things again. A part of him had given up, and a part of him never considered it - the "diet" back home for most people was scraps and rations, so it barely registered. Even noticing the distinct shift in taste here... he still wouldn't have thought twice about it if Ginger hadn't thought of this.
Man... Rum's really lucky. He better be changing his mind about Ginger (positively) while Ginger's away. )
Is it really that exciting? ( He says, but... it's flattering. Weird? Nice? To have someone... excited for him. ) ... If you're going to go through all the trouble... could I at least be there when you eat?
( This sounds weird, but, )
... I at least want to know if you're enjoying those things, too.
no subject
Oh - it’ll be like we’re sharing meals, like a family. [ In a tone that says he likes the idea. Mika is so smart. ] I’m there when you eat, and you’re there when I eat. It’s only fair.
And it’s not like I’d ever say no to spending more time with you?
[ He’s the type to glue himself to Rum, to miss him when they’re not partners for a day (eternity, longing, wasting away), to mope when he has plans with other friends for the evening (the night is long and endless). Imagine having more than one friend before coming here. Honestly can’t relate. ]
no subject
... Yeah, well... I mean, I told you before you can find me whenever, but... you really can. ( He's not good at the passionate "because we're family!!" thing Yuu's stellar at, but he's sincere. ) I'd probably figure out more things I like hanging out with you, anyway...
( He doubts he's going to develop any preferences on his own (whether this is an apt assessment is unknown just yet). Anyway, Mika can wander alone, but, unfortunately, he's a codependent person... it feels right to be beside someone in some way. The world feels more vibrant then. )
no subject
[ And he did think Mika meant what he said. ]
But I... have to limit myself, or else I'll want to monopolize your time. I mean, I do want that.
[ But he knows that gets annoying. He's annoying, Rum says so all the time. Most people need the occasional alone time; rarely are they like Ginger. Needy, clingy... even in the way he touches Mika. ]
no subject
Besides... he's still assuming Ginger makes friends easily, so is it really "monopolizing" Mika's time if he's probably "monopolizing" a lot of other people's time, too? )
... Well, that depends. What would make you happier? Feeling like you're controlling it? Or just doing it?
( Mika would be happier controlling his bloodlust... but he's not going to assume Ginger's urges are a perfect mirror to his. )
no subject
Mika… Mika won’t break his heart. They’re not in love, but they care for each other. Deeply, he thinks. Mika is his heart’s guardian angel, in a way.
And Mika is not and should never be a replacement for Rum. They’re both important to him in different ways. They’re both special, one of a kind. ]
Controlling it… It’s important that you have… a choice. I’m not tying you to me. [ But - please, please choose to stay, until you go back to your Yuu-chan. ] What would make me happiest is if seeing me made you smile with your heart, like you did earlier.
[ It was pretty. ]
Mm. When you feel like smiling, I hope you do. I want to see all your smiles.
no subject
... I think... I stopped smiling around everyone but Yuu-chan. But...
( ... It's been easier to smile around Ginger. Maybe because they're similar? But not - the same. Mika wouldn't be able to stand seeing himself in a mirror; he hates himself too much. Ginger is comfortable enough to understand, but foreign enough to care about.
Maybe he's leaning too much on him. Is he being unfair? (The worries return...) Ginger seems to like their arrangement, though. He's... too caring, Mika thinks. )
... Why don't we keep it simple? You visit me whenever you want, as much as you think is reasonable. ( Controlled, to Ginger's own standard. ) And I'll visit you whenever I want. So you know it's my choice.
( And... if Ginger gets him to smile then, well, it'll be genuine, so... that should make Ginger happy. (The both of them tossing the happiness ball back into each other's courts,) )
no subject
Mika, you’re brilliant! That’s a good plan. [ He’s wagging now - though his metaphorical tail did slow to an uncertain stutter when Mika mentioned that he’d stopped smiling.
He hopes Mika will talk to him enough to fill in the emptiness of two years; he hopes Mika finds reason to smile at Yuu-chan again, at Ginger, at the things he likes. The things they both like. And maybe -
Maybe… one day Mika can talk about himself and smile. ]
no subject
Despite everything said so far, and though Ginger is unique to him, Mika doesn't consider himself unique to Ginger - which is good. It limits what damage Mika can do to him, he thinks. And he wants to take good care of Ginger and his heart while they're both here, without Ginger suffering the consequences of his association.
He's just glad he can make Ginger happy in these small ways, right now. )
... Don't complain when I pester you, then.
( He doubts Ginger would, but, he teases slightly anyway. Mika has less anxiety about being a nuisance - he'll easily come by once a day or night just to see what he's doing and hang out while he does it.
His cool palms press lightly against either side of Ginger's neck where it meets the shoulder. )
Your pulse changes a little bit when you're happy. You know that?
no subject
[ Please do pester him. So easy to beg. ]
Hm? [ He shivers slightly with anticipation. ] You can tell when I look at you?
[ That… only makes sense, right? He likes Mika; he likes attention and affection. And he gets all of that, here.
… Then when Mika smiles, he wonders how his pulse reacts. Faster? ]
no subject
( He's not sure how it feels to admit that, but he can't help that his senses are attuned to blood. One palm runs up along the length of the neck, coming to a rest at the corner of his jaw - fingers curling light into the hair, almost barely brushing against the skin.
Lingering along the arteries is a tricky thing - it's hard as having a ripe fruit in your hand, and not biting into it. But he can control it right now. It... really has become easier, since he started to eat more regularly. )
... I think it affects the taste, too. ( It's a little muddled under what the bite forces victims to feel, but. ) Though - you should feel how you want.
( Mika foreseeing a future where Ginger gets hung up on being happy for Mika's palate... )
no subject
I’ll put that on my resume.
[ Does Mika want him to tilt his head? He leans into the hand at his jaw, exposing more of his neck to the dim light. Not quite a nuzzle. Puppy behavior, honestly. ]
I… think the end result will be the same. [ Because, well. ] Are you sure it doesn’t make you uncomfortable?
[ He’s almost certain it’ll just happen again and again. Dreads the day it happens outside of feeding. If it’s with someone other than Mika… ]
no subject
He takes Ginger's jaw, his cheek, a little more firmly, like a caress, his face sinking closer...
Oh, Ginger asked a question, uh, sorry he was distracted, )
... I... Well— I just feel bad leaving you to it... mostly.
( He looks up from where he is, cheek nearly at rest on Ginger's shoulder. It's hard for him to say if it's uncomfortable or not because it's such a weird situation... It's an impersonal boner; Mika barely registers sex; it's kind of the bite's fault, and Ginger's dad's... )
... Are you sure I can't do anything to help?
( Don't ask if he has an idea because he doesn't; at least, not right now, short of the vampiric devil on his shoulder that suggests sucking more blood so none of it can go down south. )
no subject
[ The problem with names is: once it becomes important to him, familiar in the way it feels on his tongue, the name can be said with a million different inflections.
He says Mika’s name in red, heavy in the air and like a plea.
It’s the affection, but also the way Mika settles in his arms, head by his shoulder. Mouth by his neck where that feeling will scorch him from within. Those lips say his name. To his shame, he already feels the start of it - just on memory alone. ]
I can’t ask that. [ It would be a mistake. He’d make himself sick. ] I don’t want to desire you in an impossible way.
[ And it would, at that point, become desire. Even worse, a habit, another need. And then his wicked mind would be free to think of all the ways Mika could… help. ]
/2
Mika lifts his head, realizing - the most obvious outcomes in their minds run different. Mika would have sooner come upon the idea of a cold soak (and an offer to keep everyone out from the baths...) than, well, what Ginger seems to have thought of. And he feels a little guilty for it. Insensitive, maybe?
The way Ginger says his name lingers in his mind. )
—Sorry. I didn't...
( But would he?
... )
no subject
... Sorry.
( He says, again, a little more settled. Setting aside the sort of insane things Mika may or may not be willing to do for the people he cares for... He thinks it'd just hurt Ginger, in the end. It's not really worth whatever it might help Ginger with in the short term.
Mika would love it, if Ginger offered his neck to him all the time. But it'd hurt him, the Mika trying to be normal, in the long run, he thinks. It's probably something like that. )
Um... If you accidentally think of me, or something... I get it. I'm not gonna get weird about it. Same thing with... how the bite makes you feel. Because... I know that's not normally how you feel about me. The way I don't... see you as food, and stuff.
But... sorry if I accidentally cross a line. I really don't think about it at all.
( Sex stuff, he means. )
no subject
He doesn’t - he wants… He wants to have him impossibly close instead. ]
Please take it back? Don’t apologize. I’m sorry. [ Does his pulse seem like it’s still happy? He’s uncertain what his own mood is right now. ] It’s not your fault I’m like - this.
[ That he carries his important feelings for Mika and Rum right next to this thing he can’t control. ]
I would let you do anything to me, if you wanted, but that. It’s something you should only do if you want it for yourself.
So - even if I think of you, or say your name - [ Or dream. Those poisonous dreams. ] - you don’t ever have to - help.
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What Ginger says bothers him, because it reminds him of the sort of thing he'd say himself. His self-torturing existence isn't something he really wants for him. )
... I wouldn't be doing it because I have to. I'd want to help. But... you said you want to do it with someone you love.
( Maybe that's not exactly what Ginger said, but that's what he understood from it. It's kind of what he understands from Ginger drawing a line here, too - there should probably be love involved. (Or just regular desire, but... well... He guesses people can sleep together without love... but... would that make Ginger happy?) )
... I know you don't like what you are ( and samesies, too ), but... You're just Ginger to me. And I like you the way you are. So...
( Don't put yourself down so much... )
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[ That kind of sounds like Mika thinks it would be impossible to love him, which - ]
I’ll love you! [ Eh? Wait, backtrack… backtrack… ] I mean… I already like you so much. I think… those feelings only grow…?
[ Liking Mika feels like one of the easiest things in the world. Ginger has no doubt he’ll keep finding things to like about him - he’ll keep caring to the point of tripping into love.
It would be cool in the soothing way Mika’s words tend to be. A little awkward, but quite charming to Ginger. A love that makes him smile, a love that’s like holding hands. ]
Because… we’re family… [ Right? ] But being in love is… a little… different.
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... We're family. ( Verbally stumbling a little bit, and confirming the most important thing first. ) It's— I mean... yeah, it's... you'd want to do that kind of thing with someone you're in love with, right...? I thought... I'd just hurt you by saying I'd be fine, or something...
( But then he messed up anyway...? Relationships are complicated. His fingers curl in... Mika had put a label on this to parse it all better, but he'd not even considered the L-word yet - even if it's an intrinsic part of being family.
The idea of Ginger's love... makes him warm. But it also twists his stomach, a little. Ginger's thought process is right - Mika doesn't think he deserves it, or that he can be, in the long run. Kind as Ginger is. Maybe it's because Ginger's kind that Mika knows he deserves so much better.
He just hopes he can do right enough by Ginger before it's time for them to return to their homes - before Mika has a chance to mess up. )
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(And trapped in his arms, Mika wouldn’t be able to run.)
(He won’t run anyway.)
But that’s too much. He can’t be too much at once. So a little at a time: ]
… It does hurt - when you act like you’re just some… thing… I can use and you’re fine with that. You’re Mika. You’s so important to me. You’ll always be important to me now.
[ Because that’s how Ginger is. He thinks in forever. He has forever. He doesn’t know if Mika does - and that’s… hard to wrap his head around right now.
Mika had implied something earlier, he thinks. Something finite and terrible - no. He buries his nose in Mika’s hair. No. ]
But… you can’t help being everything that you are, just like I can’t help being everything that I am, so - what if, from now on, we stop apologizing?
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What had Mika said then? He knows he'd said he'd cross that bridge when he got there, thinking he never would. But... he knows he said he'd try. It wasn't any firmly binding vow, but—
Ginger's worth trying for, he thinks. He's just scared of not being able to be better than what he is now, even if he puts the effort in.
... )
... Okay.
( Quietly. Okay. No more apologies.
A little less awkwardly, and a little more certainly, the arms around Ginger's neck wind around into a proper hold, a hand careful at the back of Ginger's head, as Ginger holds him tight. (His nape, so close...)
His lips part to begin with an apology, before he catches himself. Ah... )
... I really... like you. I've just... never figured out how to do right by the people I like, I guess. ( Letting himself be hurt, be used - was all he'd known. ) But, I...
( It's strange, to have - someone new in his life, that he's come to feel so firmly attached to. Someone since Yuu, someone who - cares for him so much, thinks of him so much, even though Mika is the sort of person he is. Mika wants to think himself immune, but - how could he not love Ginger in turn?
It felt right, to wrap him up in the idea of family. It felt dear, and safe. )
... I really would do anything for you, I think. ( That's the feeling he gets. ) I wish I could say it as clearly as you do... when you call me important. I... want you to know you're important, too... Ginger.
( And he says his name a little softer, with care in every sound, as if hoping it would articulate what he thinks he's not saying enough of. Words are not his forte - it's these sacrifices he makes. But Ginger isn't made happy by them, so he's stumbling, tongue-tied. )
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Though if Mika were to say his name like that in public, his heart would probably burst into a million shards of light, all matching the shades of Mika’s eyes. ]
… Yeah. I know. You tell me all the time in little ways.
[ Holding out his hand for Ginger to take, for one. ]
And sometimes really big ways. When you told me to leave that night, when you told me not to die - you weren’t even in your right mind, but you fought so hard.
[ Against his own instinct to survive. ‘If you die, I'll rip my own heart out.’ ]
How many times tonight? At least a dozen? Two? And - [ Tone soft and warm, a little teasing. His feelings for Mika bubble up, giddy little pops that follow the quick beat of his heart. ] - you say you don’t know to do right. But you can listen to my pulse right now and know.
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n… sfw
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