( ughhh he can sense that answer was somehow not the correct one... the headpats are back, but is this truly a victory :/ )
... Every time... I love someone, they just get hurt—... Even if I said Ferid did one thing... It's just a pattern.
( The common factor in all his failed relationships, himself, etc. )
... And then it's going to happen again. I have to focus on the things I can change, before...
( But considering this keeps happening to him... he clearly hasn't managed to figure what about himself he needs to fix to protect the people he cares for.
In some weird way, blaming himself makes him think maybe there is something he can change about himself to protect the people he loves next time - he just needs to find it. Even if he's destroying himself in the process. )
I hate to say it, but... I think your problem might be trying to simplify things too much? If you always assume it's your fault, you're gonna miss all the times someone else made problems for you. And if you keep talking about how all of humanity's better off dead or all of humanity sucks, the other humans you don't want dead are going to think you're talking about them, so they won't help you either.
( "they're going to think you're talking about them"... why does this sound familiar...
He's quiet for a time, the thoughts slow-churning in his head. )
... Isn't that like accepting I can't change anything...?
( The question, at least, is sincere. These answers are the easiest to turn to - try to change the one thing he does have control over - himself - or turn a cold shoulder to the things he can't control - other people - to keep from getting hurt again.
Without those things, what is there? Resigning to ... the fact that he can't do anything to save the people he loves? )
It just means you aren't wasting time beating yourself up for stuff other people did so you can actually focus on doing stuff that will actually change things. It's not like you can control everything that happens - especially if other people decide to cause problems.
It's hard to accept, and a part of him doesn't, but in this moment when he has none of his usual defenses up - Mika's eyes seem slightly wet... this is your problem now Ahito, )
[He actually does return the hug, still petting Mika's hair. It really does feel like he's comforting a little kid, but maybe for this moment, Mika kind of is one - able to actually let his guard down and dig up those feelings from the past.]
Mm. I'm sure you do.
If... you have a loving family like that... It's only natural you'd miss them.
[It's not something he'd normally think of as relatable, but if he considers the people he'd found and now looks after himself...
...Well, maybe it's not such an unfamiliar feeling after all.]
( The touch makes it easier; it doesn't stop the tears, but it's ... soothing, is perhaps the word. It reminds him of being a kid, in a positive way - when the orphans would all pile onto each other when one of them were having a bad day.
His breathing evens slightly, even if his eyes are still kind of wet. )
... They were all little. But they were really kind. They all came from... we all came from... places that didn't want us. But every kid accepted every new kid with a lot of love.
( Places that were hostile to them; places they couldn't breathe. But ... yeah, that's right - they were all good kids, weren't they? A little like... the girl Ahito'd mentioned.
He'd forgotten, in the abstract sound of their screams, in their ripped-up bodies, in the vivid image of the knife in his hands. )
... I was the oldest one. I decided... I'd protect them. But...
( ... we return back to how responsible he felt for being the one to get them out, and for parading them to their deaths; how angry he felt, when he'd found out they'd all been subject to experiments, and he had no idea what was happening to Yuu-chan - all the children - even before the world had ended. He had failed to protect them in every respect. )
[Because that's squarely where the blame lies, and Ahito's not about to say anything that might suggest otherwise.]
But in all the time before he decided to kill them for fun... You did protect them, didn't you? Getting them the food and the toys, comforting them when they cried...
It sounds like you did a good job already to me. But... a kid's no match for a vampire.
[How many times did Mika himself try to make that clear to Ahito?]
( It's hard to tell which thing he's agreeing to exactly - that he'd done good enough to protect them the way he could, or that a kid is no match for a vampire - and maybe he needs to exist in that ambiguity for a little while, wavering as he is.
It's so hard not to hate himself. It's the only way he's known how to live since he could remember. )
... I hated the things I had to do for Ferid. But I didn't know any other way. ( Couldn't outsmart them, can't steal from them, can't fight them. ) ... I hated... being Krul's pet, too. But it was the only way I could find Yuu-chan again.
( Another vampire in his history. He doesn't... dislike Krul the way he dislikes Ferid, but he - while he owes her - he doesn't trust her, entirely; she was scheming, too. Using him, using the children, using Yuu-chan... Her goals were just the least opposed to his own. He wouldn't believe she raised him on good will - and she hadn't trained - raise? - him to be so foolish, either.
Even after being turned into a vampire himself, nothing really changed, though. He was still a kid being used by vampires.
But in that stumbling, sick way, mention of another manipulator and then Yuu reminds him, of course, of Guren, and that whole mess. It's just... frustrating. )
... And I couldn't stop Guren... Adults are just...
( Ugh... But at least the tears have stopped. So this is an improvement...? )
The rest, though... churns in him, uneasy. It's hard to put his finger on what he doesn't like. Maybe it makes him sound like a good person, when he's... not. He does love them, though; that much is sincere. Every person he's sacrificed for, he's meant it, and he'd do it all again.
But he isn't noble. He's just... powerless. )
... There isn't... anything else I can do. I'm too weak to protect anyone.
( So he has to trade away himself instead. )
... I'm still just a kid.
( Vampire or no, strong or no, wizard or no, he's still just a kid in a world of those scheming adults who would use and abuse him and his loved ones, and things are no different here than home - or so he's been conditioned to believe, by now, after so many failures to do better. )
( Mika is quiet for a time, lacking in his usual protests. There could be truth in what Ahito says - there is truth in it, bitter in his throat. But...
A little uneasily, still terribly feverishly, he releases his hold on Ahito, and he pushes himself up on the bed - not by much, but just enough to have a little leverage over him, and look him in the eye - his own eyes, faintly reddened with tears, meeting Ahito's own bright eyes. )
[It's surprising when he's released - eyes widening a little when Mika shifts to actually look at him properly for the first time since he's been dragged into this whole situation.
( His expression crumples in as if struck; lips parted, a strained sound caught at the back of his throat before it can become much of anything. It's... not an easy truth, but it is a truth. And no amount of promises (even if phrased without the word) could deter death from his path once a victim is fixed.
You do have to trust, even knowing that trust might fall through.
After a moment, it seems the weight of it all is a little much to bear, and he closes his eyes and sinks back into the bed - not on Ahito, this time (he's free, yay). He curls up, exhausted. )
... Mm.
( Resignation, maybe. Not happy, but vaguely comprehending. It is what it is; he just can't make full peace with it. )
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[Headpats resume, but only after he roughly ruffles Mika's hair in disappointment.]
I don't know what's worse: you blaming yourself, or blaming literally everyone else instead of the one guy that actually did it.
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... Every time... I love someone, they just get hurt—... Even if I said Ferid did one thing... It's just a pattern.
( The common factor in all his failed relationships, himself, etc. )
... And then it's going to happen again. I have to focus on the things I can change, before...
( But considering this keeps happening to him... he clearly hasn't managed to figure what about himself he needs to fix to protect the people he cares for.
In some weird way, blaming himself makes him think maybe there is something he can change about himself to protect the people he loves next time - he just needs to find it. Even if he's destroying himself in the process. )
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And I don't think killing all the humans and vampires is going to make you any happier, either. Unless you really want to see me dead that badly?
[As an icky human and all.]
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... No...
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I hate to say it, but... I think your problem might be trying to simplify things too much? If you always assume it's your fault, you're gonna miss all the times someone else made problems for you. And if you keep talking about how all of humanity's better off dead or all of humanity sucks, the other humans you don't want dead are going to think you're talking about them, so they won't help you either.
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He's quiet for a time, the thoughts slow-churning in his head. )
... Isn't that like accepting I can't change anything...?
( The question, at least, is sincere. These answers are the easiest to turn to - try to change the one thing he does have control over - himself - or turn a cold shoulder to the things he can't control - other people - to keep from getting hurt again.
Without those things, what is there? Resigning to ... the fact that he can't do anything to save the people he loves? )
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It just means you aren't wasting time beating yourself up for stuff other people did so you can actually focus on doing stuff that will actually change things. It's not like you can control everything that happens - especially if other people decide to cause problems.
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It's hard to accept, and a part of him doesn't, but in this moment when he has none of his usual defenses up - Mika's eyes seem slightly wet... this is your problem now Ahito, )
... Are you really sure... it isn't my fault...?
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...]
Of course I'm sure.
Your family's deaths aren't on your hands.
[And if Mika decides this means he needs to cling a little tighter, a little longer, well... he can stick around for that, too.]
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Quietly: )
... I miss them.
( And he does - wrap his arms tighter around Ahito, Ahito's hair getting wet. )
I miss them a lot.
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Mm. I'm sure you do.
If... you have a loving family like that... It's only natural you'd miss them.
[It's not something he'd normally think of as relatable, but if he considers the people he'd found and now looks after himself...
...Well, maybe it's not such an unfamiliar feeling after all.]
no subject
His breathing evens slightly, even if his eyes are still kind of wet. )
... They were all little. But they were really kind. They all came from... we all came from... places that didn't want us. But every kid accepted every new kid with a lot of love.
( Places that were hostile to them; places they couldn't breathe. But ... yeah, that's right - they were all good kids, weren't they? A little like... the girl Ahito'd mentioned.
He'd forgotten, in the abstract sound of their screams, in their ripped-up bodies, in the vivid image of the knife in his hands. )
... I was the oldest one. I decided... I'd protect them. But...
( ... we return back to how responsible he felt for being the one to get them out, and for parading them to their deaths; how angry he felt, when he'd found out they'd all been subject to experiments, and he had no idea what was happening to Yuu-chan - all the children - even before the world had ended. He had failed to protect them in every respect. )
no subject
[Because that's squarely where the blame lies, and Ahito's not about to say anything that might suggest otherwise.]
But in all the time before he decided to kill them for fun... You did protect them, didn't you? Getting them the food and the toys, comforting them when they cried...
It sounds like you did a good job already to me. But... a kid's no match for a vampire.
[How many times did Mika himself try to make that clear to Ahito?]
no subject
Softly: )
... Yeah.
( It's hard to tell which thing he's agreeing to exactly - that he'd done good enough to protect them the way he could, or that a kid is no match for a vampire - and maybe he needs to exist in that ambiguity for a little while, wavering as he is.
It's so hard not to hate himself. It's the only way he's known how to live since he could remember. )
... I hated the things I had to do for Ferid. But I didn't know any other way. ( Couldn't outsmart them, can't steal from them, can't fight them. ) ... I hated... being Krul's pet, too. But it was the only way I could find Yuu-chan again.
( Another vampire in his history. He doesn't... dislike Krul the way he dislikes Ferid, but he - while he owes her - he doesn't trust her, entirely; she was scheming, too. Using him, using the children, using Yuu-chan... Her goals were just the least opposed to his own. He wouldn't believe she raised him on good will - and she hadn't trained - raise? - him to be so foolish, either.
Even after being turned into a vampire himself, nothing really changed, though. He was still a kid being used by vampires.
But in that stumbling, sick way, mention of another manipulator and then Yuu reminds him, of course, of Guren, and that whole mess. It's just... frustrating. )
... And I couldn't stop Guren... Adults are just...
( Ugh... But at least the tears have stopped. So this is an improvement...? )
no subject
[Is Ahito's answer to that, which is probably unsurprising given everything.]
...Got to say though, there's a lot of things that make more sense now.
You're always giving up on yourself for the sake of others, aren't you?
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The rest, though... churns in him, uneasy. It's hard to put his finger on what he doesn't like. Maybe it makes him sound like a good person, when he's... not. He does love them, though; that much is sincere. Every person he's sacrificed for, he's meant it, and he'd do it all again.
But he isn't noble. He's just... powerless. )
... There isn't... anything else I can do. I'm too weak to protect anyone.
( So he has to trade away himself instead. )
... I'm still just a kid.
( Vampire or no, strong or no, wizard or no, he's still just a kid in a world of those scheming adults who would use and abuse him and his loved ones, and things are no different here than home - or so he's been conditioned to believe, by now, after so many failures to do better. )
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[Annoyed (but still gentle!) hair ruffle.]
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—Then how...?
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... But I don't want them to die... get hurt. I don't like it when... What if they...?
( He's scared of them dying, and getting hurt, but he doesn't like it when they do, too - it hurts him just as much, the empathy too strong. )
no subject
[He can do everything he can to take care of himself, and one day, sooner than it should, his life will be over in spite of it all.]
But even if that happens... it's still worth it to protect them when you can, isn't it?
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A little uneasily, still terribly feverishly, he releases his hold on Ahito, and he pushes himself up on the bed - not by much, but just enough to have a little leverage over him, and look him in the eye - his own eyes, faintly reddened with tears, meeting Ahito's own bright eyes. )
... Please... don't die.
1/2
...Crying again, huh...]
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[But... that's all he can do.]
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You do have to trust, even knowing that trust might fall through.
After a moment, it seems the weight of it all is a little much to bear, and he closes his eyes and sinks back into the bed - not on Ahito, this time (he's free, yay). He curls up, exhausted. )
... Mm.
( Resignation, maybe. Not happy, but vaguely comprehending. It is what it is; he just can't make full peace with it. )
(no subject)