[He doesn't bother to speak further. He lets his mind go freely.
The beach, the ghost, the mission. He guards his blind side and his heart. His defenses go up to compensate for when he feels he can't be completely self sufficient. He demands perfection from himself and doesn't allow for wavering, because to be vulnerable is to be weak, and to be weak is to be exploitable, to be exploitable is to be an object, and to be an object is to give way to what he values most.
He doesn't see his own strength where it matters. Perhaps he sees the moments of failure in bright red even when the field behind him is coated in the blossoms of his successes, and hides from the concerns that make that red harder to walk over and see for what it is.]
[The thoughts scatter, broken and vibrant, concepts and images. To papers and seals and red ink and sleepless nights and letters written and desperation and failures and failures and failures and failures and]
Oh. [Theirs.] No, I... It's nothing. [It's everything. I promised. Don't get others involved.] Just my mind wandering, I guess.
[It's the next crack that alerts him - his damned right side, of course - and he brushes the glasses from his face before the lenses completely shatter on the floor.]
[It was startling, but he managed to get the glasses off before any glass shards became a problem.
With a disgruntled noise, he covers his eyes once more with his usual shades - stretches out a hand to clean up the broken bits of glass, heating them and melting them into a rounded lump, not even bothering to make it anything more than a solid mass unable to prick or embed. And that mass, he casually cools and catches.]
His lips thin. But it's only fair that Ahito knows this now. There's not much else he could say that would make this boy despise him more.]
I spoke with him. The night before the bonfire he set.
I saw that he was in trouble, and I tried to intervene. The spirit that overtook him didn't like that, and it despised me. You may have heard the gunshot. That is because the spirit in him tried to have him kill me, and he attempted to kill himself in the process to stop it.
When he got partial control back, he begged me to stay with him rather than to get the Sage. He was exhausted and broken, and what attempts at an exorcism I'd tried couldn't get the damn thing away from him. It hid away, and I chose to stay with him rather than do my duty.
[...]
The second I fell asleep, though, he was gone, and you were being dragged away instead when I finally roused.
[And now Ahito knows why the ghost was weirdly and VIVIDLY pissed off at Solomon showing up to the barbeque and threatened to shoot his head clean off the second he was in eyesight! Yippee.]
Who's to say, at this point. I could have been putting Tatara in incredible danger to bring him in front of that spirit, given what his goals were. I could have seen him slip away if I'd left the room at any point. Or I could have avoided an incredible amount of pain for all of us, had I spoken up when I had the chance.
...
But we can't exactly rewrite our steps, or the decisions we made.
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The frenzy dies down almost immediately.
That's all? Good.]
Here I was worried you'd get yourself cursed -- ah, but I suppose you knew that already.
Is that why you asked about Akira?
[It's fine if he knows. Maybe he'll have something to blame that isn't himself.]
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[He doesn't bother to speak further. He lets his mind go freely.
The beach, the ghost, the mission. He guards his blind side and his heart. His defenses go up to compensate for when he feels he can't be completely self sufficient. He demands perfection from himself and doesn't allow for wavering, because to be vulnerable is to be weak, and to be weak is to be exploitable, to be exploitable is to be an object, and to be an object is to give way to what he values most.
He doesn't see his own strength where it matters. Perhaps he sees the moments of failure in bright red even when the field behind him is coated in the blossoms of his successes, and hides from the concerns that make that red harder to walk over and see for what it is.]
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I'm not compensating for anything. Dealing with those things is just part of reality.
[With no one else to guard his back, with no one else to ease the pain--
He's learned to care for himself where no one else did, and that's supposed to be a fault? A flaw?]
I still don't see why you'd care, anyway.
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He's going to take everything in bad faith even now, isn't he?
How else can I say it without him picking it apart? Will no answer I give him be enough no matter how honest I am?
So it goes, doesn't it.
How Barbatos would laugh at me.]
Mm. I'm aware.
[I'm too tired. Hells forbid where my thoughts are going. Is this why I can't make progress? Damn this curse. Damn this body.
I'm too tired.]
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...What the hell is going on here... that uneasiness from before just grows.
He worries at his lip a little, and then:]
What curse?
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Oh. [Theirs.] No, I... It's nothing. [It's everything. I promised. Don't get others involved.] Just my mind wandering, I guess.
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Liar.
[He barely even notices as the glasses begin to crack.]
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[Ibuki has nothing to do with this. Stay calm. They'll be--
No. Stop. Stop it, it's not going to help. He can still see everything. Stop. Calm down.
That noise just now, where--
Oh.]
The glasses, Ahito.
[Does he not see what's happening?]
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[It's the next crack that alerts him - his damned right side, of course - and he brushes the glasses from his face before the lenses completely shatter on the floor.]
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He's pushing himself to the edge of the bed despite how his limbs tremble.]
Ahito-- [Ah, there is no way he's gonna be able to stand like this--] -- hey, are you alright?
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[It was startling, but he managed to get the glasses off before any glass shards became a problem.
With a disgruntled noise, he covers his eyes once more with his usual shades - stretches out a hand to clean up the broken bits of glass, heating them and melting them into a rounded lump, not even bothering to make it anything more than a solid mass unable to prick or embed. And that mass, he casually cools and catches.]
...Guess they're spent.
[Damn.]
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[He weakly points to the bedside table.]
Leave it here. I could use the glass for something else, so there's no need to trash it.
No after effects so far? Your ears, or eyes, or thoughts?
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[He shudders a little. Ugh.]
Well, I'm glad they were of use to someone... though you don't look all that happy with what you found.
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...You never did answer what happened with Akira.
[And while he saw some flashes, it didn't exactly paint a complete picture.]
Cw: uhhh suicidal skirting because hi akira
His lips thin. But it's only fair that Ahito knows this now. There's not much else he could say that would make this boy despise him more.]
I spoke with him. The night before the bonfire he set.
I saw that he was in trouble, and I tried to intervene. The spirit that overtook him didn't like that, and it despised me. You may have heard the gunshot. That is because the spirit in him tried to have him kill me, and he attempted to kill himself in the process to stop it.
When he got partial control back, he begged me to stay with him rather than to get the Sage. He was exhausted and broken, and what attempts at an exorcism I'd tried couldn't get the damn thing away from him. It hid away, and I chose to stay with him rather than do my duty.
[...]
The second I fell asleep, though, he was gone, and you were being dragged away instead when I finally roused.
1/4
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...I fail to see how Tatara would have been able to help with any of that anyway.
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Who's to say, at this point. I could have been putting Tatara in incredible danger to bring him in front of that spirit, given what his goals were. I could have seen him slip away if I'd left the room at any point. Or I could have avoided an incredible amount of pain for all of us, had I spoken up when I had the chance.
...
But we can't exactly rewrite our steps, or the decisions we made.
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And yet...
And yet...
...]
...Don't insult me. You really think I'd fall for such obvious bait?
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[It's said without looking up.]
If you want to hear that as an insult, or as bait, then I can't stop you or your feelings. I'm too tired to argue, Ahito.
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If you couldn't exorcise the ghost, I doubt there's anyone at the manor who could've done a damn thing.
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