[ A position like that really does make him look more his age, or at least, that's what Kurapika thinks once he's finally torn his eyes away from those hair products.
He furrows his brows, waiting for Khun to get at what the real core of the issue is and... he does, surprisingly. And as Khun predicted, Kurapika understands immediately. ]
An invasion of privacy. For someone like you... there really is no greater sin, is there?
[ It's a loss of control for the one who is adamant about holding onto it. ]
There's no greater weakness. [ his weakness. it's something he cannot afford to be ever, something that he accepted as the truth before he could even understand what the word meant.
yes, he was angry, but more than that? he was scared.
when was the last time he felt that emotion? it's an easy answer that's linked to the heart of what mikaela read. ]
Khun is a prideful person, that much is certain, and while Kurapika could easily write off what Khun says as solely a product of his prideful nature... he thinks there's more to it. There's always more to it, isn't there?
Try as Khun might to hide his own depths, Kurapika knows that they're there. ]
"The moment we show weakness, we die." [ these words come easily, whispered to him in the morning, in the night, in the rain and under the sun. practiced and polished like jewels in a treasury. ]
[ khun knows he shouldn't speak anymore, should remove himself from the situation as cleanly as he can. he stares upward at the ceiling all the same, unblinking.
has he changed at all? in this moment, he decides to gamble on that. a whim, a challenge to himself. he's thrown away this part of himself already. ]
The Agnis line. A weak line, in poor standing and ancillary to many others.
[ Destroyed the future of his line? Killed, Kurapika is sure. He'll address that, that's for certain, but first: ]
It can be part of who you are, but it doesn't need to be all of you either.
[ It's rich, coming from him, but that's precisely why he's saying it at all. Besides, he's seen it before—someone able to overcome the destiny that their family had set out for them. All they had to do was leave.
Khun has done the first part, albeit not voluntarily. ]
Sounds to me like it's most, if not all of you, right now.
If it was all of me, I wouldn't have done what I did back then to them. [ raising a hand towards the ceiling, he lets it drop shortly after to cover his eyes. ]
Don't make me say the other part when you're the only one who knows about them. [ the promises.
he's wondered sometimes, if acknowledging their existence to another soul, even barely, was a mistake. ]
[ honestly, he's not really sure if that was an invitation. for as assured as he is, there are sometimes, now and again, instances where khun has no idea what to do at all. with himself, with choices, with everything. part of it is his tendency to overthink and the other part of it is the simple fact that one part of him is incongruent with the rest of him.
so he sighs, messing up his bangs. takes a breath and then lets some of the emptiness inside of him echo into the night. ]
I was born and raised to make sure my full blooded sister ascended to the rank of Princess. I don't harbor resentment for that, even if my Mother is overly ambitious, even for a wife of Khun. [ it's clear from his tone that he really doesn't, even if it's well within his rights. his upbringing was hell even by his family's lopsided standards, but that's never once bothered him. ]
But one day I met someone who I wanted to give it to instead of her. So that's what I did. None of them expected I would betray them like that, so it really wasn't hard at all.
Since we lost, our line was exiled. My sister killed herself immediately after.
[ It's a lot to take in, and Kurapika allows that information to seep into him through the silence that eventually settles between them. Khun didn't seem to mind earlier, and Kurapika doesn't think he'll mind all that much now either.
A loss resulting in exile, Khun's sister ending her own life as a result and effectively ridding Khun of his purpose... That he goes by Khun is telling too, and he wonders what exactly that means in the context of his world. Is he an extension of his father?
There's a lot that he wants to know, but there is only one thing he finds himself compelled to ask right now. ]
What was it about that person that made you want to give it to them instead?
Maria is...someone who shouldn't be able to exist in the Tower. A miracle. And by extension, someone who definitely shouldn't be able to exist in our family. She's kind and actually cares for others, not as just part of an act.
I thought she deserved it, the happiness and authority that comes with sitting besides the King. So when she asked me to help her, I did. I didn't even need to think about it at all.
[ it was probably the first time he ever made a decision without thinking. ]
I won't tell you that you made the right decision betraying your family like that. [ Betrayal is a grave sin, and one that Kurapika thinks doesn't deserve forgiveness most of the time. However... ] I can't blame you for what you did, though. From what I can gather about your childhood, it was an inevitability.
[ The harshness of Khun's world mixed with the cutting ruthlessness of his personality leads Kurapika to believe that his upbringing was difficult, to say the very very least. He thinks it's a fair conclusion to make here.
There's another takeaway here, however, one that he thinks is more important. ]
[ forgiveness is one thing khun will never ask for. the light in which he views himself is defined and sharp, and he knows he's not a good person. it's just a simple truth and one that he's at peace with. ]
[ That they're so similar, he means. It's a bit like looking into a mirror and seeing a somewhat muddled reflection of himself, sharp in different ways, but with a similar outcome. ]
It's nice to see in other people, isn't it? Especially when you can't afford to be.
...but he's felt the same way which might be why he hasn't really known what to do with their relationship other than to reach out to it. it's a natural instinct when you see a reflection, after all.
another sigh. he doesn't want to think about what he cherishes more than he has to right now because it just feels like a reminder of his failures. ]
but it's not only kindness that he's drawn to. it's something he can't put into words, something Maria and Baam have that's special. it's not like they're the only two who've been kind to him for no reason, even if that number is small. ]
But it's different for me. [ he rolls over on his side, wanting more darkness than just his one arm affords. ]
[ He doesn't know if it works for him, actually. It scares him, yet he finds himself floating towards the kindness he sees in the people here anyway, like a moth to a flame it so desperately wants to reach.
Kurapika watches Khun roll over and adjusts his own position, too, uncrossing his legs and recrossing them the other way around. ]
Because it's not that simple as just kindness. Maria and Baam are more than just people who care about the greater good, or just people who've shown me sympathy and a smile.
I told you, I'm not easy to please. Trying to appeal to my morality, guilt, or empathy will never work.
[ if it sounds like his standards are nigh insurmountable, it's because they really are. but it's also just a matter of him not knowing exactly what makes him feel like that with both of them.
it also doesn't help that he's getting more frustrated and just let the name slip, but in some regard that cat is out of the bag anyway and he won't back down from that either. ]
[ So Khun has let names slip, has he? It's a little surprising, given the way he seems to keep certain things close to his chest. ]
So there's something special about them to you. Kindness doesn't matter unless that special something is present, right?
[ It would make sense, Kurapika thinks. Khun is hardened enough that appealing to emotions he's long since rid himself of wouldn't work.
While that isn't the case for Kurapika, not necessarily, he can see himself becoming that way... and he doesn't know that he wants that. ]
For me, it's seeing the good that someone else wants to do. Someone could be stupid, loud, obnoxious, and embarrassing... but if they turn their hardships into something good, into helping other people... that's enough.
[ Ah... he really misses Leorio, doesn't he? This world would be so much easier to navigate with him here. ]
[ can someone be kind, but not good? that's at the crux of it in some ways. neither maria nor baam want to save everyone, or make everyone happy, or even be friends with everyone (though they would both like that, khun's sure.) they both have their own goals which arguably might be selfish and not to the benefit of everyone else. they still can be selfless, too much for khun's liking to be honest, where it gives him a headache but—they're not heroes. they're not saviors.
the first time khun met baam, he was trying to psych himself up to kill someone.
not that they're bad, like khun himself is. that's what he can offer them, his hands to do the things that they shouldn't sully themselves with, his mouth to spout the lies that they would feel guilty for. it might be something like innocence and brightness that calls to him. they've faced hardships but haven't let it mold them and their views. it's beautiful, something he can't take his eyes away from. ]
We're different. [ if it sounds cold it is, sharp and assertive like ice. it's the first time he's said something like this to kurapika and usually he feels the opposite but here he rejects it with every cell in his body.
tonight he feels more like a hollow of himself rather than a person who is nearly perfect, but with one piece missing. ]
[ Khun's words are a differentiation between them that distorts the reflection of himself that Kurapika sees whenever he looks at Khun. It ruins the illusion a bit, bringing him back to the reality before him—Khun is the kind of person Kurapika is afraid he'll become.
The kind of person he hates.
And yet... and yet, he can't bring himself to dislike Khun. It's why he regards Khun with a calm gaze, one that remains unfrozen in the face of such icy sharpness. ]
You're right. We're different. Is that a bad thing?
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He furrows his brows, waiting for Khun to get at what the real core of the issue is and... he does, surprisingly. And as Khun predicted, Kurapika understands immediately. ]
An invasion of privacy. For someone like you... there really is no greater sin, is there?
[ It's a loss of control for the one who is adamant about holding onto it. ]
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yes, he was angry, but more than that? he was scared.
when was the last time he felt that emotion? it's an easy answer that's linked to the heart of what mikaela read. ]
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Khun is a prideful person, that much is certain, and while Kurapika could easily write off what Khun says as solely a product of his prideful nature... he thinks there's more to it. There's always more to it, isn't there?
Try as Khun might to hide his own depths, Kurapika knows that they're there. ]
And you aren't allowed weakness, are you?
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Leaning forward in his chair, Kurapika rests his elbow on his knee. ]
Who is "we"?
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has he changed at all? in this moment, he decides to gamble on that. a whim, a challenge to himself. he's thrown away this part of himself already. ]
The Agnis line. A weak line, in poor standing and ancillary to many others.
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[ And that's all he says, at least for a little while. Kurapika shifts, sitting back in the chair as he crosses his legs. ]
A mantra befitting of the type of environment you grew up in. [ ... ] That isn't here, though.
[ He's testing the waters, testing Khun's reaction to what only sounds like a simple statement. ]
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It's not. But it's still part of who I am, even if I destroyed the future of our line myself.
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[ Destroyed the future of his line? Killed, Kurapika is sure. He'll address that, that's for certain, but first: ]
It can be part of who you are, but it doesn't need to be all of you either.
[ It's rich, coming from him, but that's precisely why he's saying it at all. Besides, he's seen it before—someone able to overcome the destiny that their family had set out for them. All they had to do was leave.
Khun has done the first part, albeit not voluntarily. ]
Sounds to me like it's most, if not all of you, right now.
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Don't make me say the other part when you're the only one who knows about them. [ the promises.
he's wondered sometimes, if acknowledging their existence to another soul, even barely, was a mistake. ]
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[ That's inviting him to do exactly that, but he pivots, instead doubling back. ]
So, what did you do to them and why?
[ There's a reason for everything, isn't there? And Khun seems to be the sort of person to have reason upon reason inside of his head.
Ah, but he still feels like he's letting Khun off the hook here, somewhat. ]
Does it have anything to do with your promises?
[ If Khun won't say it, Kurapika will. ]
cw; suicide
so he sighs, messing up his bangs. takes a breath and then lets some of the emptiness inside of him echo into the night. ]
I was born and raised to make sure my full blooded sister ascended to the rank of Princess. I don't harbor resentment for that, even if my Mother is overly ambitious, even for a wife of Khun. [ it's clear from his tone that he really doesn't, even if it's well within his rights. his upbringing was hell even by his family's lopsided standards, but that's never once bothered him. ]
But one day I met someone who I wanted to give it to instead of her. So that's what I did. None of them expected I would betray them like that, so it really wasn't hard at all.
Since we lost, our line was exiled. My sister killed herself immediately after.
cw suicide mention
A loss resulting in exile, Khun's sister ending her own life as a result and effectively ridding Khun of his purpose... That he goes by Khun is telling too, and he wonders what exactly that means in the context of his world. Is he an extension of his father?
There's a lot that he wants to know, but there is only one thing he finds himself compelled to ask right now. ]
What was it about that person that made you want to give it to them instead?
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I thought she deserved it, the happiness and authority that comes with sitting besides the King. So when she asked me to help her, I did. I didn't even need to think about it at all.
[ it was probably the first time he ever made a decision without thinking. ]
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[ The harshness of Khun's world mixed with the cutting ruthlessness of his personality leads Kurapika to believe that his upbringing was difficult, to say the very very least. He thinks it's a fair conclusion to make here.
There's another takeaway here, however, one that he thinks is more important. ]
You really value kindness in others, don't you?
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I do. Why?
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[ That they're so similar, he means. It's a bit like looking into a mirror and seeing a somewhat muddled reflection of himself, sharp in different ways, but with a similar outcome. ]
It's nice to see in other people, isn't it? Especially when you can't afford to be.
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[ even himself, apparently.
...but he's felt the same way which might be why he hasn't really known what to do with their relationship other than to reach out to it. it's a natural instinct when you see a reflection, after all.
another sigh. he doesn't want to think about what he cherishes more than he has to right now because it just feels like a reminder of his failures. ]
What's your point, Kurapika?
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[ He was relating just for the sake of it, really, and he has no shame in admitting that much. ]
But I am thinking that it might not be a bad idea to look at the kindness of the others here.
[ It's been on his mind, the kindness he's seen in the people here. ]
I'm well aware of how that sounds right now, by the way.
[ After the whole... incident. ]
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[ that he genuinely means.
but it's not only kindness that he's drawn to. it's something he can't put into words, something Maria and Baam have that's special. it's not like they're the only two who've been kind to him for no reason, even if that number is small. ]
But it's different for me. [ he rolls over on his side, wanting more darkness than just his one arm affords. ]
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Kurapika watches Khun roll over and adjusts his own position, too, uncrossing his legs and recrossing them the other way around. ]
Why?
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I told you, I'm not easy to please. Trying to appeal to my morality, guilt, or empathy will never work.
[ if it sounds like his standards are nigh insurmountable, it's because they really are. but it's also just a matter of him not knowing exactly what makes him feel like that with both of them.
it also doesn't help that he's getting more frustrated and just let the name slip, but in some regard that cat is out of the bag anyway and he won't back down from that either. ]
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So there's something special about them to you. Kindness doesn't matter unless that special something is present, right?
[ It would make sense, Kurapika thinks. Khun is hardened enough that appealing to emotions he's long since rid himself of wouldn't work.
While that isn't the case for Kurapika, not necessarily, he can see himself becoming that way... and he doesn't know that he wants that. ]
For me, it's seeing the good that someone else wants to do. Someone could be stupid, loud, obnoxious, and embarrassing... but if they turn their hardships into something good, into helping other people... that's enough.
[ Ah... he really misses Leorio, doesn't he? This world would be so much easier to navigate with him here. ]
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the first time khun met baam, he was trying to psych himself up to kill someone.
not that they're bad, like khun himself is. that's what he can offer them, his hands to do the things that they shouldn't sully themselves with, his mouth to spout the lies that they would feel guilty for. it might be something like innocence and brightness that calls to him. they've faced hardships but haven't let it mold them and their views. it's beautiful, something he can't take his eyes away from. ]
We're different. [ if it sounds cold it is, sharp and assertive like ice. it's the first time he's said something like this to kurapika and usually he feels the opposite but here he rejects it with every cell in his body.
tonight he feels more like a hollow of himself rather than a person who is nearly perfect, but with one piece missing. ]
Being good and morality mean nothing to me.
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The kind of person he hates.
And yet... and yet, he can't bring himself to dislike Khun. It's why he regards Khun with a calm gaze, one that remains unfrozen in the face of such icy sharpness. ]
You're right. We're different. Is that a bad thing?
[ He doesn't think so. ]
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