wizardmanor | Floor 2, Room 4

You could, but I'd be right pissed whenever I find out you did.

[ Day is just saying, plainly. ]

...I just wanna try and see if there's anything that can be done.

That's very kind of you, but...

[And there are the tears threatening to spill. Why hadn't he felt like this when he had told Ix about the seriousness of his condition?

... maybe because some part of him had been expecting Ix to be glad to hear it.]

You don't need to waste your time. Not when I'm not going to live for that much longer.

[For all that it's a fact that he's known and accepted for years, somehow telling Day this much feels like reopening an old wound, and he's not sure whether he's more surprised that it hurts at all or that it had never really healed properly in the first place.]

[ For some reason, the way Phil says it makes Day bristle in a way he so rarely experiences. Day has made smiling at his troubles the axiom of his disposition. There are perhaps only one or two people in this entire manor who have seen him genuinely angry, though unfortunately more who have seen him seriously upset.

This...is not acceptance, or even resignation, that gives resolve or serenity. It is simply the resignation of someone waiting for the appointed hour to come. And that—

That is something Day cannot accept. Even though he knows there's always an ending. ]

It ain't a waste of my time. [ And it comes out more forceful than he intended. ] Even if there's an endin' for you, does the journey there have to be so painful?

["Does the journey there have to be so painful?"

Phil can almost feel his heart constrict in his chest. The words are kind - painfully so - and said with such sincerity, yet without any knowledge of who they're being said to. What right does he, someone who has brought untold suffering to thousands of people, have to desire to not suffer in turn? This is what he deserves. This is what he brought upon himself.

He can deal with that much. But now, to have it hurting yet another person who doesn't deserve the pain at all? It's all wrong.]

You don't... understand...

["I’m not saying this because I want you to forgive me or pity me." Hadn't he said those very words to Ix and meant them? He doesn't need pity or forgiveness for his actions.

All he's ever wanted is...]

I don't. And I prob'ly won't unless you let me, one day.

[ He'll concede to that much. Day doesn't know exactly what life Phil has led, though what little he does know doesn't give him confidence that it's been particularly charmed after a certain point. ]

But even then, I don't want you to suffer. [ The world is already filled with suffering, be it due to the actions of others or the whims of destiny. How can Day simply act as if the one right in front of him doesn't matter? ] And if there's a way to help with your condition, then I...I want you to live.

["You shouldn't," is what Phil wants to say, but he can't get the words out between the choking breaths that are half coughs, half sobs.

It takes a monumental effort for him to move his left arm up enough to cover his eyes with it, hand clenched so tightly into a fist that his knuckles turn white. He doesn't deserve this kindness, and yet it's being offered so freely anyway for reasons he truly can't understand. Even so, there's a part of him that wants to understand, wants to know what Day could possibly see in him that would make him think that Phil's life was somehow worth prolonging, because maybe if he knew that then he would be able to find some reason to believe that his existence has any value beyond what he can do to try to atone for everything that he's done.

Ah, but that too is a luxury he has no right to demand. He knows this, and that knowledge aches even at the same time as he finds he wants it more desperately than he's wanted anything in years.]

[ Phil's reaction is heartbreaking for Day to watch. It tells him that he isn't used to receiving such care, makes him wonder if Phil's received much of it at all, and his heart aches at the idea. Because Day lives by the principle that anyone who desires serenity should have the chance to find it; to deny it is only adding to the suffering the world is already so inundated with. And...

He simply wishes for Phil's happiness. If Phil can find serenity, and that waters joys and love in his heart, then it would be worth it.

(Even if Day has had to rebuild his life over, he can at least say he is still here because of the love he's received. That is his good fortune, despite what destiny had in store for him. Even if it's from people who are now lost to him, and can't truly ever meet again in the same way.)

That may be why he reaches to carefully take Phil's free hand into his, as long as Phil lets him. With his other hand, he reaches up to brush against Phil's clenched fist, as if trying to get his grip to relax. ]

Phil. [ Quietly, ] I don't know what you've been through. But please believe me when I say I want to help you.

[ "I want to love you."

But he will leave that unspoken. It is not his place to say this, here and now. ]

Edited 2024-06-06 08:48 (UTC)

[Phil's fingers flex, opening and closing tentatively, wanting so much to grasp that hand in return but afraid to do so. If he does, if he lets Day know just how much he needs this kindness... then Day will back away, won't he? And even if Day doesn't back away now, surely he will when he learns the truth.

It's a simple inevitability. He can't hope for anything more than he's being given right now, can't expect this to continue once he's well enough to fake normality once again. Phil is well-versed in pity; it's always the same. But... even so, it's been so long since anyone other than Marcus has reached out to him like this that he can't help but want to hold tight and never let it go for as long as he's granted that opportunity. It's intensely selfish, but Phil has always been a selfish person at heart.

And so, without a word, he allows his hand to curl around Day's and just grips it like a lifeline. Even if it's only for these few moments, he wants to sear this warmth into his memory so that he can remember that it once existed.]

[ Oh, this is...

Day understands wanting to touch and hold someone else—there's a reason he's made some spectacular choices after joining the Division of Serenity that, in hindsight, might have spurred on some of the unsolicited romantic advice and match-making offers from his colleagues. It's reassuring and reaffirming. That you exist in this world and someone wants to grab hold of you and keep you, if only for a little while longer.

And that is why Day lets Phil grasp onto him like a lifeline. He gets it. He even runs his thumb over the back of Phil's hand in what he hopes is a comforting gesture (it was for him, anyway), while his free hand move to brush Phil's hair aside.

...This is probably selfish of him, too. But if he keeps it at just this, then he won't be taking advantage of a sick man, right? ]

[There's the briefest start as that hand brushes his hair aside, his body tensing for just a moment... and then he's relaxing into that touch, taking a few shuddering breaths as he attempts to get his crying under control. It doesn't seem to be working, though, when the gentle contact just makes the tears flow that much harder.

He wants to move his arm. He wants to look right at Day and ask him why he's doing this. But at the same time, that touch is so soft, so gentle that he doesn't want to hear that this is all merely misplaced pity or sympathy, because he wants to be able to believe that there's more to it than just that.

In the depths of his heart, realization dawns slow, a growing knowledge of just why it is that he wants so desperately for his hand to remain entwined with Day's.

Yes, he truly is selfish in all things.]

[ Day at least seems to understand that Phil is crying because he's overwhelmed with emotion, not necessarily because he's upset. Maybe that's why he's so patient as he smooths out Phil's hair and carefully strokes his head, like he figures Phil needs it. ]

...I can stay for as long as you want.

[ Want, not need. Permission granted for Phil to be selfish, since it's not as if Day isn't being selfish either. At least until Day's other obligations need to be handled, like other visits, things to do...

(Right, he was supposed to meet Ginger once he's gotten some rest, but right now Day isn't so sure if that appointment still holds up given how Mika had reacted at the time. He'll just have to trust Ginger on that front.) ]

Edited 2024-06-07 05:19 (UTC)

[As Day strokes his hair, Phil's tears gradually begin to slow, his breathing evening out, although still interspersed with the occasional quiet catch of breath. It's another few long moments before at last he lowers that arm, though he keeps his eyes closed for the time being. Even though the fact that Day hasn't pulled his hand away has given him enough reassurance to stop trying to hide his emotions, he still isn't ready to look at the other man just yet.

What would he see if he were to look, he wonders... but no, deep down he's still the same person who has never had the courage to take action when it comes to matters of the heart.]

... thank you.

[It's all that he trusts himself to say right now, but it's also really the only thing that matters. He appreciates this more than Day will ever know.]

[ It's kind of funny (or it would have been, anyway) that for some reason he knows two people who seem to cry easily here, and they both happen to be Eastern wizards. Day isn't even really thinking when he reaches over with his free hand to wipe at what's left of the tears on Phil's face, as easily as he did it a few weeks ago with someone else. ]

You're welcome. [ His tone is still gentle, and while Phil can't see it, he's also smiling gently. ]

[... oh. Now Phil's eyes do snap open in surprise, and he turns his head to the side to see...

... Day smiling at him with an expression so soft it makes something twist within him. And he stares for a long moment before he even realizes he's staring, the heat in his cheeks now from something other than the fever.

But Day isn't letting go of his hand, and with that realization he shifts just slightly to turn on his side to face him just a little more as he curls into a more comfortable position. Maybe just for now it's all right to trust that hand that's still encircling his with such a gentle warmth...

It isn't long before he begins to drift off, exhausted from the combination of the emotional outburst and his own poor health. And when he finally does? There's the faintest flicker of a smile on his own face as well.]

[ Normally, Day wouldn't be particularly affected by someone staring at him—he's dealt with that sort of thing enough over the years—but the fact that it's Phil doing it is somehow rather embarrassing? He manages to keep his cool as Phil drifts off to sleep, only covering his face with his free hand after he's sure it won't stir Phil awake.

Ah, he really is hopeless. When he thinks a grown man 12 years his senior looks cute while fast asleep, he really has become a feelings disaster. And his tired, wounded heart reminds him: even if it makes you happy now, always remember to keep your expectations low when it comes to love. You can't even guarantee your future right now, let alone one with another person in it.

Day doesn't pull his hand back from Phil's grasp until well after he's asleep, leaning back in the chair he's been using while keeping an eye on Phil. It seems rude to just leave after all that (how would Phil react if he woke up and Day wasn't there?), so instead he just settles to take a nap while sitting. That much should be fine, right? ]

Edited (When you accidentally hit post comment too fast,) 2024-06-07 09:50 (UTC)

[Phil isn't even aware of how long he drowses, his body demanding rest in a futile attempt to recover as best it can. He knows he'll be alone when next he wakes, and perhaps that's why he's in no particular hurry to try to claw his way back to wakefulness-- there's no reason for him to try to push himself past his body's natural inclinations this time.

He simply assumes that hours have passed when he blinks awake, vision still fuzzy from sleep. But even with his one eye mostly sightless without his monocle, the blur settled in the chair across from the bed is unmistakable, and for a moment his breath catches in his throat.]

... Day?

[It's a stupid thing to ask, because of course it's Day. Who else would it be? Still, the fact that he's still here even after Phil has been sleeping for however long... it makes the since-quieted guilt flare to life again within his chest.]

[ Day, for his part, just assumed this was as good a time to catch up on rest as any. He's sitting in the chair with his arms crossed, having nodded off there.

But for someone who usually seems laidback, he stirs almost as soon as Phil spoke. ]

Mmm?

How long... was I asleep?

[In other words, just how long has Day been sitting there waiting for him to awaken? He hopes it wasn't for several hours...]

I'm sorry... you should have gone to get some rest if you were that tired, not just slept in a chair. I'm just fine.

[And to illustrate this, he once again attempts to sit up and this time actually mostly manages it on his own, tired though he still is.]

[ Day blinks slowly as he processes what Phil just asked him. ]

...Honestly, I ain't sure? [ He hasn't been keeping track of the time. ] And you don't gotta apologise when I'm the one who ended up nappin' here.

Here--

[Now that he's upright, he uses this as an opportunity to try to scoot over somewhat and clear a larger space on one side of the bed. If there's one plus to the beds in the manor, it's that they're all more than large enough to fit at least two people if needed.

That accomplished, he pats the now-empty side of the bed with one hand.]

At least lie down here if you're going to nap. I don't want you getting a crick in your neck because you decided to look after me...

[Because at this point? He's getting the feeling that even if he insists that it's fine for Day to leave, that isn't going to happen.]

[ Day is just. Looking at the now-empty side of the bed. Then at Phil. Then at the bed again. ]

You sure?

[ Phil, do you realise you're asking him to lie down in your bed, next to you, ]

Yes, of course. There's plenty of space.

[He's done this tons of times before with Marcus? It's perfectly fine?]

I'll try my best not to take all of the blankets, but apparently I'm not very good at that if Marcus is to be believed.

[ ...Day almost wants to laugh at how oblivious Phil is being, seriously. In fact, he does laugh a little because this is endearing to him. ]

Aight. Just for a bit.

[ And he'll climb right into that empty spot for him. ]

[... it is only now with Day actually lying down in the bed mere inches from him that Phil realizes the error of his ways, his brain grinding to a sudden and abrupt halt.

Oh. Oh no. Day is close enough that Phil can feel the warmth from his body, and suddenly he swears that the temperature of the entire room has gone up several degrees. Or is his fever back? Maybe that's it.

But... at the same time, he desperately craves this closeness and warmth, so much so that he wants to reach out and touch it, yet wisely decides to avoid doing so.

It's a long moment before he can finally speak.]

Is that better?

[ For his part, Day is reminding himself not to touch, or this will go from sweet to deeply awkward. Even if it is tempting to play with Phil's hair a little like this. He makes himself comfortable in the bed, and when Phil finally asks him the question, he manages a smile. ]

Definitely better.

[ A bed will always beat a chair. ]

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