[ Yeah, yeah. That's how he thought this would go, somewhat. Yamato doesn't look at Malice with surprise, and not much judgment, either. He simply just moves himself so he steps between Malice and the other phantoms, as if to obscure them from view.
He can't say he doesn't understand. He, too, has a habit of mistreating those he cares about...though to a different extent, obviously. Still, he has to know: ]
[Malice glances at Yamato, and his gaze darts. He's already told this story so it shouldn't be hard to do it again and yet... some part of him was hoping that maybe Yamato wouldn't have to hear it. That maybe Yamato could think he was a better person, for a little while longer, at least.]
...I was captured. The vampire lord, Rosalie, was more interested in me than the rebels. She didn't really see them as a threat at all. But she wanted me, 'cause she thought she recognized who I was - an' she turned out to be my mom.
'Course, I didn't know that an' it took her awhile to figure out that's why I felt so familiar, 'cause we were separated when I was a baby. I'm a bastard kid, an' I was supposed to be killed to punish her or whatever, but somehow that didn't happen an' I ended up in the slums instead.
[...]
So she offered me a place at her side. Power, a place to belong, an' bein' accepted by other vampires? Not havin' to fight for my life every damn day? Havin' a family? It was too damn good to be true, but... hell, if I didn't take it, how long was it gonna be before the rebels were destroyed? What if I lost them, that one place I felt like I almost belonged?
[Self-preservation, greed, a desire for stability and family... call it what you will, but he chose himself over all of them, knowing what would happen.]
So I sold 'em out. Gave her all the info she could ever need on 'em an' their plans and she destroyed 'em.
[ A bastard child, wanting a place to belong, wanting to be accepted, wanting a family...
...
He understands Malice more than he thought he did. It scares him. Would he have done the same, in Malice's position? He wants to think he wouldn't, but perhaps if he were a vampire with these circumstances, the decision wouldn't be so difficult. What he wouldn't give to accept himself, accept love, accept having a place in the world even though he's as terrible as he is. ]
What you're seeing here, in your room...is it because you regret what happened?
[Malice busies himself with his arm, moving over to the desk as he goes. It's easier to focus on that than Yamato or the phantoms.]
...Yeah. 'Course I do. Whole damn thing turned out to be a ruse just for Rosalie to try to get access to my Domain. She even roped another vampire lord in on the whole thing, an' together they beat the Domain outta me.
[Literally. Well, sort of. They didn't get their hands dirty, because they're vampire lords and they wouldn't lift a finger to do that themselves.]
So of course I regret it, 'cause I didn't get what I wanted in the end. But even if I had...
[Without thinking, his focus appears. It lands on the desk in front of him and Malice scoffs. He slams the prosthetic arm down on the table harder than he needs to as he snatches the bracelet up.]
...Yeah, I would've regretted gettin' 'em killed. Been thinkin' a lot 'bout it since arrivin' here. Did ya know this stupid thing was Cody's?
[He dangles the bracelet on a finger with a look that's somewhere between annoyance and regret.]
Stupid bastard believed in me up 'til the very end. I told him vampires weren't trustworthy.
[And yet he didn't listen. Malice is glad he didn't listen. Malice is devastated that he didn't listen.]
[ Getting people killed isn't something he can say he's used to, nor does he entirely understand the culture Malice grew up with, as a vampire. Still, though, there's a lot about this situation that resonates with Yamato, but it's clear Malice is upset. He doesn't know what to say that'd make this any better.
Still, he's going to try. It's what he always does, after all. ]
You made a mistake that cost you a lot, but you were also used by someone you trusted. Someone who's supposed to be your parent.
[ Family dynamics might work differently in his world, but shitty parental figures seem to be pretty universal, as far as he can tell. ]
You wanted somewhere to belong, and when you thought you had it, it slipped away, partly because of your choices, and partly because of ones other people made.
[ He says this like he understands this deeply. ]
...But you regret what happened. That means you care, and that you're seeing them now means that it's clearly eating at you, still. It's more than what people like your mother can say for themselves, which I think is a good thing.
You planned on trying to handle this yourself, didn't you?
[Yamato... Honestly, Malice expected this to push him away. He expected Yamato to be confused, to maybe try to understand, but ultimately to decide that Malice is a horrible person. Because he is. And even if he regrets his actions, he's still—
(a monster is what Mika had called them. is that what they are?)
Malice shakes his head as if to clear it.]
Yeah. I did. Didn't want anyone else seein' any of this. Or... y'know, seein' me like this. I don't like admittin' I ain't as strong as I act.
[He's not one to put on much of an act to begin with, but having anyone see him at such a low point just feels... terrible, really. Yet somehow, it isn't all that bad with Yamato.]
You're talkin' like you understand - at least partially. Don't tell me you've had to deal with bullshit like this too?
[Not the same bullshit, obviously, but something that makes this easier for Yamato to sympathize with.]
It's alright. I'm the same way...being vulnerable around anyone is a terrifying thought.
[ So, yeah, he was pretty uncomfortable when he opened up to Malice about his history a few days ago, but he doesn't regret doing so. ]
Mm...I consider my impure motives for joining IDOLiSH7 a betrayal in itself. Being surrounded by guys who are passionate and serious about becoming idols made my guilt start to eat at me even more than it normally would've. They cared about me, and I...I'm nothing but a liability to them. They might go down because I was being selfish.
[ Yeah. ]
And when you mentioned the circumstances surrounding your birth...heh. You know that I was a secret lovechild, too. I can't say there were plans for me to be eliminated, but it still hurt all the same, when I found out. My father never once came clean to me himself. I had to learn everything all on my own.
[He remembers, and hearing it all laid out like that... they do have a shocking amount of similarities, don't they? Huh.]
Can't comment on your situation with IDOLiSH7, but I can say that they'd be losin' a great guy if they turn their backs on you.
[Maybe they'd be well within their rights to. But that doesn't matter to Malice, because it's not like Yamato has hurt him. Sometimes you've just gotta be a selfish, self-centered asshole. Some things don't change overnight, after all.]
You've done pretty damn well for yourself despite that, y'know? You're real level-headed when dealin' with... [vague gesture toward the phantoms] dumb crap like this.
Thanks, Yama. I mean it. For some reason it kinda helped to talk about it? I'm feelin' less worked up, anyway.
[ A great guy, huh? Why is it that the people here think so highly of him? He supposes that his image is enough of a reason for that, but when people like Malice, who know his history, say that...he doesn't think he deserves it. He didn't deserve Ginger's grace, and he certainly doesn't think he deserves Malice's, despite everything.
Some things don't change overnight, indeed.
Genuine compliments from Malice, though, aren't things he'll take for granted. He's more relieved that the guy's feeling better more than how those words made Yamato feel, anyway. ]
Good to know. I'm glad I could help.
[ He'll just...go ahead and take a seat next to him, at the desk. ]
Finding somewhere to belong, though? It's hard. For some people, it may take them their whole lives to find that. But you're here, now. ... I don't think you'll need to wait for that any longer.
[Malice glances back over at the phantoms and... oh, look they're fading. Slowly, one by one, they begin to fade out of sight. Some of them look back over before they go, but only Cody waves as a farewell.
Malice remains staring at the spot they were for a moment before he turns his attention back to Yamato.]
Believe me, I'd like nothin' more.
[Things will be different this time, he tells himself. They have to be.]
I'm not gonna make the same mistake again. Not that I could anyway, not like my ol' lady's hangin' 'round here willin' to offer me anythin'.
[ He's glad to see the phantoms fading, though. The atmosphere seems a lot less tense and emotionally charged. Must mean Malice is feeling better. That's a nice thought. ]
You have people who'd set you straight, too. And people who might possibly go after her if they saw her.
[ Assuming he's told anyone else about this, anyway. ]
If anything, you can put me in both categories. I'd do my best to keep her from bothering you.
[ Is this way of saying he'll protect Malice...? Even he's not sure. It's not like Malice really needs that, anyway, but. Let him have this, okay. ]
...But you don't have'ta worry 'bout me. I'll figure out some way to handle her.
[He wants revenge, after all. It's on his to-do list.]
Thanks, though. I really do appreciate it; y'all have really been good to me an' I'm not really sure how I got so luck to end up with a group that's so willin' to help out.
Yeah, yeah...I see where you're going with this...
[ The right thing to do would be to discourage him from violence, but also, no. Have you met Malice.
Anyway. ]
Eh, I like to think that people are dishing out what they're getting. The people who care about you are fine with things because you're doing the same for them in return. I don't think everyone's the type to put themselves forward for just anyone.
Hah, true enough. I am tryin' to do better by people, anyway. Helps that this's a whole different world an' a whole new set of rules; definitely better than bein' back home!
[no shitty vampire nobles to deal with!!! 10/10 would get spirited away again.]
Oh, an' if you could keep this 'tween the two of us? Ain't all that fond of the idea of others hearin' 'bout it. If I'm gonna tell 'em, I want it to be on my own terms.
To be honest, I'm not sure. It just appeared in my room. Haven't opened it or anything just yet, but I was wondering if you've also been getting random gifts appearing.
Yeah, I have. That's what caused [gestures toward the window] all'a that. It was some kinda... ointment, I guess. So be careful 'round that if you get any.
[Though maybe it would be less distressing for you...? Eh, better be safe than sorry.]
Might as well see what that book's about though, yeah? Could be interestin'.
At least there's two of us, if something strange were to happen.
[ He looks at Malice before he opens the book. There's a flash of light that emits from it, and just like Malice's phantoms, some of Yamato's own appear as well.
Riku, Iori, Tamaki, Sougo, Nagi and Mitsuki. All of them are in the room now, looking at Yamato with warm smiles on their faces.
He's speechless for a moment...then he utters a word under his breath:
[Okay, why does the book do the same thing as the ointment?? That doesn't make sense!! Complaints aside, this is... definitely not great. He remembers what Yamato's told him about IDOLiSH7, so he recognizes the name and now he can put faces to the other members, but...]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
He can't say he doesn't understand. He, too, has a habit of mistreating those he cares about...though to a different extent, obviously. Still, he has to know: ]
What made you come to that decision?
no subject
...I was captured. The vampire lord, Rosalie, was more interested in me than the rebels. She didn't really see them as a threat at all. But she wanted me, 'cause she thought she recognized who I was - an' she turned out to be my mom.
'Course, I didn't know that an' it took her awhile to figure out that's why I felt so familiar, 'cause we were separated when I was a baby. I'm a bastard kid, an' I was supposed to be killed to punish her or whatever, but somehow that didn't happen an' I ended up in the slums instead.
[...]
So she offered me a place at her side. Power, a place to belong, an' bein' accepted by other vampires? Not havin' to fight for my life every damn day? Havin' a family? It was too damn good to be true, but... hell, if I didn't take it, how long was it gonna be before the rebels were destroyed? What if I lost them, that one place I felt like I almost belonged?
[Self-preservation, greed, a desire for stability and family... call it what you will, but he chose himself over all of them, knowing what would happen.]
So I sold 'em out. Gave her all the info she could ever need on 'em an' their plans and she destroyed 'em.
no subject
...
He understands Malice more than he thought he did. It scares him. Would he have done the same, in Malice's position? He wants to think he wouldn't, but perhaps if he were a vampire with these circumstances, the decision wouldn't be so difficult. What he wouldn't give to accept himself, accept love, accept having a place in the world even though he's as terrible as he is. ]
What you're seeing here, in your room...is it because you regret what happened?
no subject
...Yeah. 'Course I do. Whole damn thing turned out to be a ruse just for Rosalie to try to get access to my Domain. She even roped another vampire lord in on the whole thing, an' together they beat the Domain outta me.
[Literally. Well, sort of. They didn't get their hands dirty, because they're vampire lords and they wouldn't lift a finger to do that themselves.]
So of course I regret it, 'cause I didn't get what I wanted in the end. But even if I had...
[Without thinking, his focus appears. It lands on the desk in front of him and Malice scoffs. He slams the prosthetic arm down on the table harder than he needs to as he snatches the bracelet up.]
...Yeah, I would've regretted gettin' 'em killed. Been thinkin' a lot 'bout it since arrivin' here. Did ya know this stupid thing was Cody's?
[He dangles the bracelet on a finger with a look that's somewhere between annoyance and regret.]
Stupid bastard believed in me up 'til the very end. I told him vampires weren't trustworthy.
[And yet he didn't listen. Malice is glad he didn't listen. Malice is devastated that he didn't listen.]
no subject
Still, he's going to try. It's what he always does, after all. ]
You made a mistake that cost you a lot, but you were also used by someone you trusted. Someone who's supposed to be your parent.
[ Family dynamics might work differently in his world, but shitty parental figures seem to be pretty universal, as far as he can tell. ]
You wanted somewhere to belong, and when you thought you had it, it slipped away, partly because of your choices, and partly because of ones other people made.
[ He says this like he understands this deeply. ]
...But you regret what happened. That means you care, and that you're seeing them now means that it's clearly eating at you, still. It's more than what people like your mother can say for themselves, which I think is a good thing.
You planned on trying to handle this yourself, didn't you?
no subject
(a monster is what Mika had called them. is that what they are?)
Malice shakes his head as if to clear it.]
Yeah. I did. Didn't want anyone else seein' any of this. Or... y'know, seein' me like this. I don't like admittin' I ain't as strong as I act.
[He's not one to put on much of an act to begin with, but having anyone see him at such a low point just feels... terrible, really. Yet somehow, it isn't all that bad with Yamato.]
You're talkin' like you understand - at least partially. Don't tell me you've had to deal with bullshit like this too?
[Not the same bullshit, obviously, but something that makes this easier for Yamato to sympathize with.]
no subject
[ So, yeah, he was pretty uncomfortable when he opened up to Malice about his history a few days ago, but he doesn't regret doing so. ]
Mm...I consider my impure motives for joining IDOLiSH7 a betrayal in itself. Being surrounded by guys who are passionate and serious about becoming idols made my guilt start to eat at me even more than it normally would've. They cared about me, and I...I'm nothing but a liability to them. They might go down because I was being selfish.
[ Yeah. ]
And when you mentioned the circumstances surrounding your birth...heh. You know that I was a secret lovechild, too. I can't say there were plans for me to be eliminated, but it still hurt all the same, when I found out. My father never once came clean to me himself. I had to learn everything all on my own.
no subject
Can't comment on your situation with IDOLiSH7, but I can say that they'd be losin' a great guy if they turn their backs on you.
[Maybe they'd be well within their rights to. But that doesn't matter to Malice, because it's not like Yamato has hurt him. Sometimes you've just gotta be a selfish, self-centered asshole. Some things don't change overnight, after all.]
You've done pretty damn well for yourself despite that, y'know? You're real level-headed when dealin' with... [vague gesture toward the phantoms] dumb crap like this.
Thanks, Yama. I mean it. For some reason it kinda helped to talk about it? I'm feelin' less worked up, anyway.
[Huh. Weird!]
no subject
Some things don't change overnight, indeed.
Genuine compliments from Malice, though, aren't things he'll take for granted. He's more relieved that the guy's feeling better more than how those words made Yamato feel, anyway. ]
Good to know. I'm glad I could help.
[ He'll just...go ahead and take a seat next to him, at the desk. ]
Finding somewhere to belong, though? It's hard. For some people, it may take them their whole lives to find that. But you're here, now. ... I don't think you'll need to wait for that any longer.
no subject
[Malice glances back over at the phantoms and... oh, look they're fading. Slowly, one by one, they begin to fade out of sight. Some of them look back over before they go, but only Cody waves as a farewell.
Malice remains staring at the spot they were for a moment before he turns his attention back to Yamato.]
Believe me, I'd like nothin' more.
[Things will be different this time, he tells himself. They have to be.]
I'm not gonna make the same mistake again. Not that I could anyway, not like my ol' lady's hangin' 'round here willin' to offer me anythin'.
[He scoffs at that and moves to sit on his bed.]
no subject
You have people who'd set you straight, too. And people who might possibly go after her if they saw her.
[ Assuming he's told anyone else about this, anyway. ]
If anything, you can put me in both categories. I'd do my best to keep her from bothering you.
[ Is this way of saying he'll protect Malice...? Even he's not sure. It's not like Malice really needs that, anyway, but. Let him have this, okay. ]
1/2
[You see where he's going with this, right?]
There's a reason I'm so fond of fire!
[PREPARING TO BEAT UP HIS MOM, LET'S GOOOOOO]
no subject
[He wants revenge, after all. It's on his to-do list.]
Thanks, though. I really do appreciate it; y'all have really been good to me an' I'm not really sure how I got so luck to end up with a group that's so willin' to help out.
no subject
[ The right thing to do would be to discourage him from violence, but also, no. Have you met Malice.
Anyway. ]
Eh, I like to think that people are dishing out what they're getting. The people who care about you are fine with things because you're doing the same for them in return. I don't think everyone's the type to put themselves forward for just anyone.
no subject
Hah, true enough. I am tryin' to do better by people, anyway. Helps that this's a whole different world an' a whole new set of rules; definitely better than bein' back home!
[no shitty vampire nobles to deal with!!! 10/10 would get spirited away again.]
no subject
[ Home... Will he have one when he gets back? ]
So far, seems like you're doing pretty alright.
no subject
[...]
Oh, an' if you could keep this 'tween the two of us? Ain't all that fond of the idea of others hearin' 'bout it. If I'm gonna tell 'em, I want it to be on my own terms.
no subject
[ So, yeah. Secret's safe with him. ]
no subject
[Though this one sort of forced his hand... Oh well, at least it worked out well enough.]
Oh right, you brought a book with you, what is it?
no subject
[ It seems pretty sus... ]
no subject
[Though maybe it would be less distressing for you...? Eh, better be safe than sorry.]
Might as well see what that book's about though, yeah? Could be interestin'.
no subject
[ He looks at Malice before he opens the book. There's a flash of light that emits from it, and just like Malice's phantoms, some of Yamato's own appear as well.
Riku, Iori, Tamaki, Sougo, Nagi and Mitsuki. All of them are in the room now, looking at Yamato with warm smiles on their faces.
He's speechless for a moment...then he utters a word under his breath:
IDOLiSH7. ]
no subject
You miss 'em, yeah?
no subject
[ His voice gets shaky. Quiet. ]
A lot, actually.
no subject
Tell me 'bout 'em. If you wanna, I mean.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)