Really, he hadn't answered directly because - he wasn't sure, himself, if he hoped it. He liked this fairytale idea of a married, family life - and he knew it could exist, if miracles like Ginger's parents could happen. But was he allowed to have that?
But Ginger's always like a breath of fresh air, and the rubbing hesitates. Committed for life... It's not a new vow, but he softens hearing it; his chest feels full. (A kiss isn't enough, he has to die for him,) )
... Yeah. ( He says this dumbly - he feels dumb, for answering so simply; Ginger's always so romantic with his words. He punctuates it, instead, with a kiss. ) You're - way more important than a ring, or a promise. I'll always care for... you, as you are.
( Not the institution; not the words, or exchanged gifts. )
... So I will wait. Every night. And if you ever want to propose for marriage... I'll wait a second time, too.
( And he lets the kiss linger here, deeply - and yet still a little flustered, a little clueless, not that much unlike his first try, like it's all still new.
Let the nights turn to months turn to years, if they want; he'd spend them all by Ginger's side, gladly.
He'll break it only when Ginger needs to breathe, but he seems reluctant even then, too. )
... It wasn't really, my parent's fault... that they ended up that way. But... um, even though I don't know what - I guess, a normal sort of life really looks like... ( Like, among couples, ) I do like thinking about what it'd be like, living with you. Like... when we were talking about sharing an apartment... that sort of thing.
… Yeah, people can’t help the way they change.
[ Marriage is a fun idea, but it’s not really all that common in Heaven, and it certainly doesn’t have the same significance as in the human world. But as Ginger takes a breath after their kiss, keeping their faces close - so close, so reluctant to be apart any more than that, he realizes - oh. That doesn’t matter. Because he’s not going back to Heaven, is he…?
He’s not yet ready to let go of Rum, or his family, or his… coworkers. His stomach twists painfully as he imagines the day arriving. But he will, if that’s what it takes to stay with Mika. And Mika… Can he leave this world - can he bear to part from the moon? If he really is moon sick in some way…
The hand caressing Mika’s face slides to the back of his head, carefully encouraging him back in for another kiss, just as deep with Ginger’s brand of neediness where he steals Mika’s tongue for his own, keeping it relentlessly occupied. To keep Mika, he would do anything. That truth rings clear in his soul.
He couldn’t bear to leave him, that would be too cruel when Mika’s meant to be loved. Just like this. ]
I’ll always choose you, Mika. [ A hush murmur against the side of his lips. ] You’ll never have to wait for my answer. Let’s build a life together.
( Mika returns the kiss, always, always, because it's his way of saying I love you, I choose you - he returns it, but he hears the subtle shift in Ginger's beat, one that doesn't resound so happy as it had before, and he wonders if Ginger holds some hesitation.
Still - Ginger's words feel sincere. Mika doesn't feel it like a wave of emotion, but Ginger sounds as honest as he has been when Mika could feel how he felt. )
... Please.
( Soft; stronger than a yes, than an okay, than an I want to, too; a gentle pleading, for this dream to come true. But...
He presses his lips to Ginger's again, this time briefly, gently caressing where his neck meets his jaw. )
... What's wrong?
( And now Mika worries, too. Did he finally recognize some flaw inherent to a life with Mika? Did he want to scale back his commitment? Maybe Mika had said something offbeat. Maybe it was the comment about change. Is he worried Mika's feelings might change, one day? Maybe Mika didn't seem very sincere. )
[ He smiles, a touch rueful - but pretty set. Nothing’s wrong; the decisions they have to make won’t all be as easy as falling, tripping, tumbling head over heels is all. ]
I was just wondering if… we would stay here in this world, after all. Where we would live.
( Oh - the question surprises him, like it genuinely did not occur to Mika, because... )
... You wouldn't go back home?
( And this question is asked with a bit of contradiction. Ginger going home is one reason Mika had felt they couldn't be together forever; surely, once Mika's service was up here, he'd also be returned to where he came from... right?
But also - he had imagined vaguely scenarios where Ginger did go home, and Mika had somehow followed, and then Ginger had met Rum again, and then...
But in all these permutations, he'd never thought Ginger would remain here - or that Mika could, either. He never thought that was an option. )
I’m not sure that’s an option. [ Anymore. ] What if… you can’t come with me? What if I can’t come with you? You’re my heart, Mika.
[ He thinks that’s answer enough, really. ]
I learned from my parents that love is a compromise - in a good way, even if the decisions aren’t… easy. They’re worth it in the end.
[ It’s not easy to stay, but it’s impossible for him to leave Mika. He can - and has - handled missing Rum, missing his family. But not Mika… ]
And I know you’ll think this because you’re sweet and good, but you’re not making me give them up - and I’m not giving them up. Eternity means maybe one day, our paths will cross again. Don’t you think?
( That Ginger would choose him so tangibly over all these things Mika knows he loves overwhelms him in a way just as great as when he'd held a direct link to Ginger's feelings.
Mika does, immediately, think Ginger's giving something up to be with him - something extremely important; his family, his home, Rum - and Ginger pre-empts him and reassures him, and Ginger remains somewhat uneasy, but he does... listen.
He'd never thought of eternity as a thing of hope, before. That he could be with Ginger for that length assigned it more than enough value, in his eyes. That it could serve Ginger in some tangible way was something he had not even considered.
(... He wonders if that means he could one day see Yuu, too...? Somehow, somehow...) )
... Maybe it's not impossible...
( It feels so unlikely, though. But if Ginger wants this, then Mika will believe it, and see that it's made possible. )
... But are you sure? If eternity means our paths might cross again, like you said... you could choose to return, and... I could stay here, and wait for you.
( It's amazing for Mika to suggest this when they've just established that they don't want to be away from each other, such that they need daily respite from having to exist with other people, but it's clear in Mika's gaze he's only thinking about Ginger.
Of course Mika wants him to stay. Of course he was visibly happy when Ginger said he would choose him, like Mika had asked he always do, so earnestly. But he isn't thinking about himself. Just Ginger; always Ginger. But he might be focused too much on what should be good for Ginger, rather than what is - his eternal bad habit. )
... Even if it'd take a thousand thousand years, I'd still love you all the while.
Mika. [ And he smiles quietly, the hand buried in Mika’s hair guides their foreheads together. ] No.
[ Affectionate, but unyielding. It’s not a choice that’s for him. In no world will he ever choose to leave Mika behind to wait for someone like him. When he can barely stand to be apart from Mika, when he misses him when they're a room away from each other.
A world away? He couldn’t. Unless -
But the next part, he has to close his eyes for, words like glass in his throat. He forces them out slow, because this - is important to say. He won’t even regret saying it. ]
You could - do the same. You could go back to Yuu. I’ll stay and wait.
Yuu had felt like something forbidden, a dream, so long as it stayed in his heart, on his lips. Ginger speaking it made him real, as if - he'd chanted it thrice in a mirror, and then, there Yuu was.
It's for the best Ginger's eyes are closed, so he doesn't see the way Mika's face colors bright, like a person waiting anxiously at the station, hoping for someone to arrive. It's the simple concept of seeing Yuu again that affects him, before the rest of him even thinks about how that asks him to think about Ginger. )
( But recognition sets in after that split second of fantasy passes, and he - recalls the reality of his situation, and recalls Ginger. And he - it's not like he thought about seeing Yuu at the expense of Ginger, did he? He didn't. Okay? He didn't.
But - no. He did think about being with Yuu first, and not that it meant being away from Ginger, if only for a split second. And that - he feels awful for that. He... does love Ginger - he does love him, he knows this now much more surely. And he loves Yuu, he loves Yuu, but it smolders in his heart different; this constant, low kindle. When he compares the two sensations, he can feel their distinctions, even if he can't articulate them well. And yet, he still...
But he considers also - and belatedly - the way Ginger suggested it. He named Yuu, alone. Maybe because he doesn't know much else about Mika's home, but maybe... Mika has given Ginger sincere reason to believe he would choose Yuu over Ginger. Given he thought of Yuu first, maybe Ginger's impression isn't unfounded.
He's awful.
(Mika ignores how he had just offered Ginger something similar, because Mika had been thinking of all Ginger's important company - and he ignores his jealousy toward Rum earlier, because that was not a lack of loyalty, on Ginger's part; that was, of course, Mika to blame. And here, Mika is also to blame. It's not Ginger's fault. It never is.)
(... But in an iteration where he thinks of Ginger first - perhaps in their future - he'll feel guilty for not thinking of Yuu first, too. He can't win. And it'll be a long time before he can approach it in a way that's fair to himself.)
He wishes, unfairly, he did have a snapshot into Ginger here, to know for sure how he feels. But Mika decides... the prospects don't seem promising. Ginger must be hurt. )
( The silence doesn't linger long, but it lasts just long enough that it's probably not very reassuring.
He gently pulls his head back, and he cups Ginger's face in his hands with the least affection he's touched him with so far; it's guilty, not so much touching him as he is a conduit of apology. His palms only barely brush his skin.
His voice is soft: )
... I'm sorry that I've made you think I would.
( A hesitant beat. )
... I could go back. ( And this is very slightly different than what he's been saying - I can't, I can't. ) If I went back... I think I'd go back to how things were, when I left. I died. And when a vampire dies, the body goes and their soul remains... and becomes a demon.
( It's hard for Mika to imagine what it means to become a demon when he dies. It's scary, but it's so abstract. He'd always refrained from mentioning it because Ginger's struggle with his demon side is so heavy and tangible, that for Mika to complain about technically being some kind of fledgling demon spawn felt so small, so cosmetic in comparison.
So normally, he wouldn't mention this much; but it seems ... directly relevant. It feels more honest. )
... I wouldn't have my memories, as a demon. ( If he can still even consider that... himself. Maybe him in name alone, by categorization of soul. ) But I know I'd find Yuu-chan anyway. I'm sure I would protect him, if it really is my soul that stays.
( He's clearly thought about this. He's thought about this a lot. And it would be ... enough for the current him to satisfy himself with, if he - were protecting Yuu in some way, even if he didn't realize it. He was at peace with going back, and letting himself lay down his guilt in death, and let his spirit rise in eternal servitude.
It's a curse. It's meant to be a curse, to never let damned soul rest. First as a vampire, then as a demon. But guarding Yuu into eternity could never be a curse to him, if God would only let him. He's so sure that even as an amnesiac, even as a demon, his ugly, wretched soul would find it fulfilling.
But.
His hands fall from Ginger's face, gently. )
... I can't. Not without you. I don't want to forget you, even if I'd find you, too. And even if— even if I didn't forget— I don't want to... be with Yuu-chan, if it means I can't be with you.
( Oh, that physically pains him to say, but it's - it's true. It's true, and he knows it, even as it runs thorns through his heart. )
No. No, he doesn’t regret saying it. He knew he had to. And… someone has to put Mika first, when Yuu won’t. When Mika won’t. There’s no regret in loving Mika. ]
[ He opens his eyes and they try not to ask: … and if you could go back before then? If that wasn’t a concern, would you?
But he’s too much of a coward to say that and the silence told him all he needs to know. Strange how the words cut like glass going up, and even worse when he swallows them down, embedding themselves into his stomach to stay. To remember. He wishes he could be numb with the knowledge, but it has always been in the back of his mind - it’s on him to have done something about it.
It’s not Mika’s fault. He can’t help it if Yuu comes first for him; Yuu’s existed in his heart first, the space made for him solid and perfectly etched. Ginger would never fit there. Could never, no matter how much he folds into himself. It didn’t work - with Rum. It won’t work here either.
And even as a demon, he’s sure Mika’s soul would shine bright and dazzling if it’s with Yuu. That it would remember all it needs to remember and that’s one name alone.
(But why… is it always Mika who protects Yuu but never the other way around…? He hates it. That, too, burns sharp when he swallows it down.)
It hurts. Of course - it does. But that doesn’t mean Mika doesn’t love him the way he says. It doesn’t mean Mika doesn’t accept all of him, the way he’s always insisted so warmly. He could come second, he could settle with that, if loving him second still allows him this much of Mika’s affection. And whatever deep hurt there is, he… thinks, if he could, he’d gather it up and store it where he holds all his tender feelings about Rum. He’s - not hiding his feelings - he just doesn’t know what to do with them yet. It wouldn’t be fair to show Mika when this isn’t something he can change; when nothing about this is his fault.
Ginger can come second. Ginger can wait. Maybe this is the most selfless he’s been about love, ever. He could simply not be made to be put first, not easily - not when most people are used to putting only one thing first and he’s two incomplete things. Twice the effort, zero gain. ]
It’s okay… [ It is, it is. Mika can’t help what he feels. His heart learned to beat with Yuu in it, then stopped - with Yuu in it. And Ginger is - … Ginger catches his hand and presses his lips to the familiar palm, cool and warm. Not exactly a kiss, but a small claim to ground himself. He loves and is loved. This is a truth. ] I would still wait, for you. So don’t tear yourself apart if - if one day, you need to go home. You’ll bring the sun and the stars with you, when you come back for our hour. I’m sure.
[ He’s relieved, in a way, that Mika’s soul will still remain even if his memories are gone. That some part of his soul could linger and do what Mika longs for it to do. If it were Ginger, if he forgot Mika… he would - all the heat in him would finally melt him away to nothing, missing what he can’t remember. ]
( He doesn't need that window to see that he's gone and pulled at a thread that leaves Ginger unraveling, and so Ginger's lips, this time, land neither hot nor cold on his skin. It is a perfect, numb, terrified neutral.
There is guilt. There's enough guilt to drown in. But he's scared. There's dread. It's the sort of thing you'd feel when you come to, and you see your love laid there bleeding, and you look down in your hands, and you see the knife.
How does he fix this?
(He can't.)
But he—
He does get that window, with that final remark. And the way the feeling floods into him from that small panel does make it hard to speak. )
It's not.
( Faltering, but he manages - something. Nothing useful, as always. )
It's not okay— Ginger. It's not. I don't—
( He takes his hand from Ginger (sorry, sorry), he takes his face again - he shouldn't have let go the first time - he turns Ginger's face up, he tries to look him in the eye, he tries not to look like he's going to cry, Ginger's feelings still echoing in him. )
I don't want to leave you behind. I'm not going to. Okay? I don't— Ginger, I love you. Yuu-chan's... he's my family. You're... family too, but you're— more than that.
( He stumbles over the words, trying to find - an explanation of his heart that isn't just circumstance, that isn't just that Yuu has moved on, that he himself is dead and gone. It's the hardest thing, trying to name the color of his feelings. )
I just... it's different. And I miss him. I miss him a lot. But I... Yuu-chan is— someone I miss. But you're a part of me. How could I... choose him over my own heart...?
( He swallows, his gaze dropping; assuming, already, his overture would fail, no matter how sincere. Every mistake in his life has been irrevocable, and all the moments between have him growing complacent. Does it matter if he insists he'd choose Ginger, if he's made Ginger believe one day he won't?
[ Look what he’s done. He’s force Mika into choosing him. ]
No, Mika, no - [ Pleas rather than denial; he sounds just as wounded, just as panicked. He mirrors Mika, catching his face in hand, thumbs under his eyes poised for the impossible task of catching every single tear before they can fall. His blue eyes, soft only for Mika, look up at him as though he’d spend a millennia in willing servitude with love carried heavy to serve it word for word, slice for slice from the flesh of his heart, into the downturn of his lips. ] Mikaela, Mika - don’t cry, sweet. I know, I do - so please - … Listen, okay?
[ Softly, sadly, firmly: ]
I know. You’ve done nothing wrong. Each moment you kiss me, you’re choosing me. Every smile, every laugh, every touch - every time our eyes meet.
[ Like right now, his gaze implores. ]
I know you don’t want to leave me. I know you’ll be there when the world is just you and me again.
[ But… His mouth works around the sound of Yuu’s name. It’s a sigh, at himself, that continues his thoughts. ]
But - it’s not fair to you to say Yuu is just someone you miss. It’s not fair to you, Mika. He’s also a part of you. And I love every single part of you. Yeah, it hurts, but you don’t have to explain him away.
[ He tries for pull apart the deep hurt, tries to make them comprehensible for Mika, though he still doesn’t know what to do with himself for feeling this way. Just… if Mika can manage it for Ginger, then he can do the same. ]
The hurt… is me. It’s nothing you can control, and maybe… I can’t even control it. I love you so much, you know? I want you - always. In every way there exists to want, that’s me with you. You know this.
[ These are things Ginger has admitted. But Mika sees him as sweet, when Ginger knows his sweetness often distracts from how rotten he really is. And the thing that makes him want to cry is that he knows, he knows Mika would love him that way, too. Would explain it away by making himself an even worse monster. His lovely heart, he cries for him. ]
But it’s - it’s easy to know, harder… to understand. It’s… obsession. I want all of you. It sounds terribly romantic, but what I feel inside is… ah, insidious. I want to be the only person in your heart, to be your first choice and your only choice - but I can’t be. I shouldn’t. That’s not fair to you, to the people who’ve loved you, who love you still. I may want all these things, but I don’t want to change your heart because I love you as you are, Mika.
Do you see? This is just me hurting myself. It’s not you. [ Never you. ] You only make me better.
[ Better, not fixed. There isn’t one for something like him. ]
( Another window, another torrent that rushes in from the outdoor rain, and he inhales a little harshly, a little unsteady, trying to make sense of the things Ginger says and the things Ginger feels (and, far less importantly, the way Mika feels), and find some average in between.
It aches like a fresh wound; it hurts to deny himself, and to deny Yuu. Ginger's right. But he would split himself at the seams as if ripping flesh from bone if it kept Ginger from feeling this way, from twisting his expression so. Mika presses his face into Ginger's cheek, his hands falling, and one gently taking hold of Ginger's wrist so close to Mika's face. )
... How can I make this better?
( Ginger says these beautiful and kind and loving things about Yuu, about Mika, and Mika loves him for it, but Ginger disregards himself. All this boils down to is just - saying to leave Ginger be, but how can he? How can he when he's hurting?
If there's no cure, there must at least be treatment. There can't be nothing. He can't accept that. )
I would change... if you wanted. I would let you change me, without a thought. But you want to preserve this thing that I am. ( The worst thing he's done is gotten Ginger attached to him - now he's too sentimental to change him, even if it'd be for the better. ) So just...
( He falters, again, struggling; frustrated, that knowing - how Ginger feels, doesn't mean he knows how to address it. )
... How can I convince you... that I won't leave you? ( Not just that he doesn't want to trade him in for Yuu, but that he won't. ) How can I make it hurt less? Please.
( Take Ginger's hands gently from himself and hold them away, not able to stop how he feels about it, but help him hurt himself a little less. )
[ He shakes his head. How does he show Mika the enormity of what he means to Ginger; how much Ginger loves him, more and more with every moment? Cut open his chest and he’d bleed love for Mika. Dissect his dreams and his hopes and there would be a million and one shades of Mika there, reflected in every freckle of light.
He leans up or pulls Mika down - he’s not sure - he just knows he needs to kiss him, right now, sweetly - so sweetly. Peppered kisses that mean love you, love you, mine; love you, yours.
… Oh - but he’s also Mika’s. Oh. How he feels now about Mika making himself nothing to make Ginger something, he’s - doing the same.
He huffs a short sound, a wet laugh, against Mika’s lips. Angry at himself. ]
I’m sorry. I’m hurting you. You help, you make everything better. Ah, we’re a mess now, really.
[ He’s so dumb. They’re both so - he’s happy they’re like this, fumbling in the same ways, stumbling in the same direction and thinking they’re lost from each other; he’s happy they’re alike. Look at them, how anxious and panicked they are to make the other feel better - when they’re both chosen each other in so many ways. Stupid, silly pair. He… likes that. He likes them.
The bad things, the bad thoughts - they don’t go away, but they quiet down. They’re not as loud. Mika says please and even those thoughts know they should listen. ]
And thank you for saying all that even when it hurt you, too… If you change, I want to change, too. To be… better for you. Maybe that means I should… learn to like myself a little because it hurts you when I don’t. But if we change together, in tandem, I could do it.
It doesn’t… it doesn’t have to be now, does it? We’re still learning each other.
[ He has doubts if that’s possible because he can never help these thoughts, but he thinks of how he’d be willing to do anything for Mika - and he thinks yeah, this, too. He doesn’t want to be the one to hurt Mika, and he is, he just did - so much, he’s sorry. He’ll change. ]
( He welcomes every kiss from Ginger, as he always does and he knows he always would. But it punctuates Ginger's expression, that sad repetition of what Mika had said about himself, and he understands - this hurts Ginger, too.
Ah, right; hadn't he hurt Ginger in this same way, some weeks back? When he'd offered to let Ginger set him down? And Mika had done it again; and Ginger has done the same, here, to him. It's so easy to forget they'd met in the manner one meets the eyes of their reflection in the mirror when he spends so much of his time fixing Ginger up on a pedestal, hoping to set him closer to the sun, shower him in attention and affection like he deserves.
He wants to protest - you could never hurt me; nothing you could ever do to me would ever be hurt. And this much is plain on his face. And Mika would mean it, in a way that would not always be good for him. But he, for once, holds his tongue, understanding that is not the right answer. At least, not right now.
Maybe listening is, for once. They're both so bad at hearing each other sometimes, instead of hearing the anxious voice in their heads. )
... I've never...
( ... learned, how to like himself, he wants to say. This is not untrue. But - there was a time, right? A brief time, when he was young and with the orphanage, that he was happy, and he thinks he only hated himself a little bit. Still saw himself without worth; still feared he'd be scrapped and abandoned, but. A time where he thinks that maybe one day, he could have... become better.
(In an ideal world, where their orphanage was truly an orphanage, and not a testing ground.)
(But he believed he could be better, one day. And that belief he had then is more than he has now. And doesn't Ginger make him at least just as happy as he was then? All that warmth spread across every orphan, delivered from Ginger alone. No wonder his love felt so sweltering.)
...
He kisses him - presses his lips in against Ginger's frustrated own, and only barely parts. )
... We have forever to figure it out. Right? ( Forever, five minutes at a time. ) ... I do want you to... like yourself too. But, until you can... until we figure it all out— I'm... it's not a burden for me to like you for you. However we change... I'd be happy with however we turn out, so long as it's together.
( ...
And then he falls quiet for a moment, and he pulls himself back - just a little bit. Gazing at Ginger, and hesitating - the words caught at the back of his throat, until, finally, he thinks maybe this is right: )
... When you figure out how to propose... ( Not for marriage— what Ginger had meant the first time: for Mika to stay with him, forever. The thousands of do-overs, with no fixed end. ) ... Maybe we can make it a promise. If that's how we feel... If that's what feels right, for us... when you do.
( And he says this not because it's binding - but because it's selfish. And maybe - maybe - them trying to give up pieces of themselves to add to the other... isn't want they want.
Maybe they both want to hold fast and let go, and maybe they're wrong for trying to... deny it. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But he won't know until he asks Ginger, instead of deciding it all for himself. )
[ Maybe he’s put Mika on a pedestal, too - but it feels more like Mika is a fixed point where he’s built the shape of his future around, and gladly reshaped his hopes and dreams to fit. And everything had been easy, so easy, because loving Mika is the easiest thing in this world, his world, any world. Some days breathing is harder than that. ]
Forever, and whatever we end up as - we’ll be happy. I’m sure.
[ He hadn’t questioned it as a child until the other children poked where it hurt, for something he couldn’t change. But he hadn’t questioned - he hadn’t asked if something like him could make Rum happy, if he deserved to be by Rum’s side. Deserving wasn’t a question; he didn’t know it once.
If they can’t come to like themselves, they’ll at least have a better understanding of why - why they’re loved anyway, why it’s okay, why doubt lacks a physical form to compete with the warmth of each other. And maybe then, doubt can question things less because they’ll be used to warmth and a mutual love that’ll grow and grow until it overwhelms all else.
And…
Ginger thinks if he can’t like himself, he can like the way he makes Mika happy. The way he loves him, even if it is utterly selfish - but that encourages Mika to be a little selfish, too. And he… definitely… likes that. So: ]
Yes. Yes. Yes. [ He breathes it into the next kiss, his hunger for Mika reawakened on this one selfish idea. ]
Hey, Mika… Want to do something a little… naughty? [ He pushes up from the pillows, straightens his back. His eyes invite, implore Mika to watch him and only him. ] Let’s make love - right here - with the windows open, so the spirits can hear how much we love each other.
[ So the next time he casts a spell on Mika, there’s no chance it’ll slide away. ]
And then after - [ When he’s still in Mika, when they’ve come down somewhat from the high of pleasure; when it would be utterly silly for Mika to think Ginger could possibly look at him with anything but love for hearing all the bad bits - when they’re still one being - Can Mika glimpse these images? ] - share more of your past with me?
( Can he be happy? Can they? Some greater part of him still wonders— but, when Ginger says it, he feels that much more sure. Mika has always been someone so easily colored by his company. And maybe they're both troubled because they both look to each other for steady, and neither of them are; they're too alike, they're fumbling, but these things - they can understand, and find comfort in, once they recognize their mirror.
He feels his chest boil with the familiar sensation of Ginger's heat, his love, in the echo of his hungry answer, and this is a warmth that lingers in him, thrilled - how badly Ginger wants to be bound to him, because Mika wants this, too. So firmly interwoven - like thread - they can't be detangled again.
So please don't go back for Rum, or your friends, or your parents— (but, if you do, please take me with you, and please choose me, even then).
His gaze follows Ginger up, fixed longingly on him for even the few centimetres of distance between them. He doesn't expect - what he suggests next with such boyish excitement; it's something that draws a deep flush to his cheeks, the scandal of it more than what he'd have ever imagined on his own. The memory of the inn - all of it - comes rushing back to him in tandem, and that does not help how the heat in his chest refracts with the heat radiating off his cheeks - not one bit.
But Ginger wants to be closer. He wants to know him and his past - ugly a sight as Mika is - and he wants to declare him and Mika as a set to everything there is, and embarrassing as that is, as if the strongest sort of PDA (to the spirits?) there is, it... appeals to him, so wrapped up in the moment, so consumed by how terribly he loves Ginger. )
... Yeah.
( He reaches... and takes Ginger's hand gently, and he places it against his own cheek, mouthing the palm - his teeth running light along the palm, his lips working up along the underside of Ginger's fingers. )
... All of me is yours, from my past to my heart, and... I want... them to know that you're mine, too.
( Would that they could carve into the flesh of this world that he is Ginger's, and Ginger is his, and - to not let anything come between them. (Please, please, please.) )
... I'll tell you everything, so please... love me.
( He kisses his fingers, his lips lingering there, wet, in invitation. And the way he says it, he means make love to me, too. )
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Really, he hadn't answered directly because - he wasn't sure, himself, if he hoped it. He liked this fairytale idea of a married, family life - and he knew it could exist, if miracles like Ginger's parents could happen. But was he allowed to have that?
But Ginger's always like a breath of fresh air, and the rubbing hesitates. Committed for life... It's not a new vow, but he softens hearing it; his chest feels full. (A kiss isn't enough, he has to die for him,) )
... Yeah. ( He says this dumbly - he feels dumb, for answering so simply; Ginger's always so romantic with his words. He punctuates it, instead, with a kiss. ) You're - way more important than a ring, or a promise. I'll always care for... you, as you are.
( Not the institution; not the words, or exchanged gifts. )
... So I will wait. Every night. And if you ever want to propose for marriage... I'll wait a second time, too.
( And he lets the kiss linger here, deeply - and yet still a little flustered, a little clueless, not that much unlike his first try, like it's all still new.
Let the nights turn to months turn to years, if they want; he'd spend them all by Ginger's side, gladly.
He'll break it only when Ginger needs to breathe, but he seems reluctant even then, too. )
... It wasn't really, my parent's fault... that they ended up that way. But... um, even though I don't know what - I guess, a normal sort of life really looks like... ( Like, among couples, ) I do like thinking about what it'd be like, living with you. Like... when we were talking about sharing an apartment... that sort of thing.
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[ Marriage is a fun idea, but it’s not really all that common in Heaven, and it certainly doesn’t have the same significance as in the human world. But as Ginger takes a breath after their kiss, keeping their faces close - so close, so reluctant to be apart any more than that, he realizes - oh. That doesn’t matter. Because he’s not going back to Heaven, is he…?
He’s not yet ready to let go of Rum, or his family, or his… coworkers. His stomach twists painfully as he imagines the day arriving. But he will, if that’s what it takes to stay with Mika. And Mika… Can he leave this world - can he bear to part from the moon? If he really is moon sick in some way…
The hand caressing Mika’s face slides to the back of his head, carefully encouraging him back in for another kiss, just as deep with Ginger’s brand of neediness where he steals Mika’s tongue for his own, keeping it relentlessly occupied. To keep Mika, he would do anything. That truth rings clear in his soul.
He couldn’t bear to leave him, that would be too cruel when Mika’s meant to be loved. Just like this. ]
I’ll always choose you, Mika. [ A hush murmur against the side of his lips. ] You’ll never have to wait for my answer. Let’s build a life together.
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Still - Ginger's words feel sincere. Mika doesn't feel it like a wave of emotion, but Ginger sounds as honest as he has been when Mika could feel how he felt. )
... Please.
( Soft; stronger than a yes, than an okay, than an I want to, too; a gentle pleading, for this dream to come true. But...
He presses his lips to Ginger's again, this time briefly, gently caressing where his neck meets his jaw. )
... What's wrong?
( And now Mika worries, too. Did he finally recognize some flaw inherent to a life with Mika? Did he want to scale back his commitment? Maybe Mika had said something offbeat. Maybe it was the comment about change. Is he worried Mika's feelings might change, one day? Maybe Mika didn't seem very sincere. )
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I was just wondering if… we would stay here in this world, after all. Where we would live.
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... You wouldn't go back home?
( And this question is asked with a bit of contradiction. Ginger going home is one reason Mika had felt they couldn't be together forever; surely, once Mika's service was up here, he'd also be returned to where he came from... right?
But also - he had imagined vaguely scenarios where Ginger did go home, and Mika had somehow followed, and then Ginger had met Rum again, and then...
But in all these permutations, he'd never thought Ginger would remain here - or that Mika could, either. He never thought that was an option. )
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[ He thinks that’s answer enough, really. ]
I learned from my parents that love is a compromise - in a good way, even if the decisions aren’t… easy. They’re worth it in the end.
[ It’s not easy to stay, but it’s impossible for him to leave Mika. He can - and has - handled missing Rum, missing his family. But not Mika… ]
And I know you’ll think this because you’re sweet and good, but you’re not making me give them up - and I’m not giving them up. Eternity means maybe one day, our paths will cross again. Don’t you think?
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Mika does, immediately, think Ginger's giving something up to be with him - something extremely important; his family, his home, Rum - and Ginger pre-empts him and reassures him, and Ginger remains somewhat uneasy, but he does... listen.
He'd never thought of eternity as a thing of hope, before. That he could be with Ginger for that length assigned it more than enough value, in his eyes. That it could serve Ginger in some tangible way was something he had not even considered.
(... He wonders if that means he could one day see Yuu, too...? Somehow, somehow...) )
... Maybe it's not impossible...
( It feels so unlikely, though. But if Ginger wants this, then Mika will believe it, and see that it's made possible. )
... But are you sure? If eternity means our paths might cross again, like you said... you could choose to return, and... I could stay here, and wait for you.
( It's amazing for Mika to suggest this when they've just established that they don't want to be away from each other, such that they need daily respite from having to exist with other people, but it's clear in Mika's gaze he's only thinking about Ginger.
Of course Mika wants him to stay. Of course he was visibly happy when Ginger said he would choose him, like Mika had asked he always do, so earnestly. But he isn't thinking about himself. Just Ginger; always Ginger. But he might be focused too much on what should be good for Ginger, rather than what is - his eternal bad habit. )
... Even if it'd take a thousand thousand years, I'd still love you all the while.
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[ Affectionate, but unyielding. It’s not a choice that’s for him. In no world will he ever choose to leave Mika behind to wait for someone like him. When he can barely stand to be apart from Mika, when he misses him when they're a room away from each other.
A world away? He couldn’t. Unless -
But the next part, he has to close his eyes for, words like glass in his throat. He forces them out slow, because this - is important to say. He won’t even regret saying it. ]
You could - do the same. You could go back to Yuu. I’ll stay and wait.
/3
Yuu had felt like something forbidden, a dream, so long as it stayed in his heart, on his lips. Ginger speaking it made him real, as if - he'd chanted it thrice in a mirror, and then, there Yuu was.
It's for the best Ginger's eyes are closed, so he doesn't see the way Mika's face colors bright, like a person waiting anxiously at the station, hoping for someone to arrive. It's the simple concept of seeing Yuu again that affects him, before the rest of him even thinks about how that asks him to think about Ginger. )
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But - no. He did think about being with Yuu first, and not that it meant being away from Ginger, if only for a split second. And that - he feels awful for that. He... does love Ginger - he does love him, he knows this now much more surely. And he loves Yuu, he loves Yuu, but it smolders in his heart different; this constant, low kindle. When he compares the two sensations, he can feel their distinctions, even if he can't articulate them well. And yet, he still...
But he considers also - and belatedly - the way Ginger suggested it. He named Yuu, alone. Maybe because he doesn't know much else about Mika's home, but maybe... Mika has given Ginger sincere reason to believe he would choose Yuu over Ginger. Given he thought of Yuu first, maybe Ginger's impression isn't unfounded.
He's awful.
(Mika ignores how he had just offered Ginger something similar, because Mika had been thinking of all Ginger's important company - and he ignores his jealousy toward Rum earlier, because that was not a lack of loyalty, on Ginger's part; that was, of course, Mika to blame. And here, Mika is also to blame. It's not Ginger's fault. It never is.)
(... But in an iteration where he thinks of Ginger first - perhaps in their future - he'll feel guilty for not thinking of Yuu first, too. He can't win. And it'll be a long time before he can approach it in a way that's fair to himself.)
He wishes, unfairly, he did have a snapshot into Ginger here, to know for sure how he feels. But Mika decides... the prospects don't seem promising. Ginger must be hurt. )
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He gently pulls his head back, and he cups Ginger's face in his hands with the least affection he's touched him with so far; it's guilty, not so much touching him as he is a conduit of apology. His palms only barely brush his skin.
His voice is soft: )
... I'm sorry that I've made you think I would.
( A hesitant beat. )
... I could go back. ( And this is very slightly different than what he's been saying - I can't, I can't. ) If I went back... I think I'd go back to how things were, when I left. I died. And when a vampire dies, the body goes and their soul remains... and becomes a demon.
( It's hard for Mika to imagine what it means to become a demon when he dies. It's scary, but it's so abstract. He'd always refrained from mentioning it because Ginger's struggle with his demon side is so heavy and tangible, that for Mika to complain about technically being some kind of fledgling demon spawn felt so small, so cosmetic in comparison.
So normally, he wouldn't mention this much; but it seems ... directly relevant. It feels more honest. )
... I wouldn't have my memories, as a demon. ( If he can still even consider that... himself. Maybe him in name alone, by categorization of soul. ) But I know I'd find Yuu-chan anyway. I'm sure I would protect him, if it really is my soul that stays.
( He's clearly thought about this. He's thought about this a lot. And it would be ... enough for the current him to satisfy himself with, if he - were protecting Yuu in some way, even if he didn't realize it. He was at peace with going back, and letting himself lay down his guilt in death, and let his spirit rise in eternal servitude.
It's a curse. It's meant to be a curse, to never let damned soul rest. First as a vampire, then as a demon. But guarding Yuu into eternity could never be a curse to him, if God would only let him. He's so sure that even as an amnesiac, even as a demon, his ugly, wretched soul would find it fulfilling.
But.
His hands fall from Ginger's face, gently. )
... I can't. Not without you. I don't want to forget you, even if I'd find you, too. And even if— even if I didn't forget— I don't want to... be with Yuu-chan, if it means I can't be with you.
( Oh, that physically pains him to say, but it's - it's true. It's true, and he knows it, even as it runs thorns through his heart. )
/2
…
No. No, he doesn’t regret saying it. He knew he had to. And… someone has to put Mika first, when Yuu won’t. When Mika won’t. There’s no regret in loving Mika. ]
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But he’s too much of a coward to say that and the silence told him all he needs to know. Strange how the words cut like glass going up, and even worse when he swallows them down, embedding themselves into his stomach to stay. To remember. He wishes he could be numb with the knowledge, but it has always been in the back of his mind - it’s on him to have done something about it.
It’s not Mika’s fault. He can’t help it if Yuu comes first for him; Yuu’s existed in his heart first, the space made for him solid and perfectly etched. Ginger would never fit there. Could never, no matter how much he folds into himself. It didn’t work - with Rum. It won’t work here either.
And even as a demon, he’s sure Mika’s soul would shine bright and dazzling if it’s with Yuu. That it would remember all it needs to remember and that’s one name alone.
(But why… is it always Mika who protects Yuu but never the other way around…? He hates it. That, too, burns sharp when he swallows it down.)
It hurts. Of course - it does. But that doesn’t mean Mika doesn’t love him the way he says. It doesn’t mean Mika doesn’t accept all of him, the way he’s always insisted so warmly. He could come second, he could settle with that, if loving him second still allows him this much of Mika’s affection. And whatever deep hurt there is, he… thinks, if he could, he’d gather it up and store it where he holds all his tender feelings about Rum. He’s - not hiding his feelings - he just doesn’t know what to do with them yet. It wouldn’t be fair to show Mika when this isn’t something he can change; when nothing about this is his fault.
Ginger can come second. Ginger can wait. Maybe this is the most selfless he’s been about love, ever. He could simply not be made to be put first, not easily - not when most people are used to putting only one thing first and he’s two incomplete things. Twice the effort, zero gain. ]
It’s okay… [ It is, it is. Mika can’t help what he feels. His heart learned to beat with Yuu in it, then stopped - with Yuu in it. And Ginger is - … Ginger catches his hand and presses his lips to the familiar palm, cool and warm. Not exactly a kiss, but a small claim to ground himself. He loves and is loved. This is a truth. ] I would still wait, for you. So don’t tear yourself apart if - if one day, you need to go home. You’ll bring the sun and the stars with you, when you come back for our hour. I’m sure.
[ He’s relieved, in a way, that Mika’s soul will still remain even if his memories are gone. That some part of his soul could linger and do what Mika longs for it to do. If it were Ginger, if he forgot Mika… he would - all the heat in him would finally melt him away to nothing, missing what he can’t remember. ]
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There is guilt. There's enough guilt to drown in. But he's scared. There's dread. It's the sort of thing you'd feel when you come to, and you see your love laid there bleeding, and you look down in your hands, and you see the knife.
How does he fix this?
(He can't.)
But he—
He does get that window, with that final remark. And the way the feeling floods into him from that small panel does make it hard to speak. )
It's not.
( Faltering, but he manages - something. Nothing useful, as always. )
It's not okay— Ginger. It's not. I don't—
( He takes his hand from Ginger (sorry, sorry), he takes his face again - he shouldn't have let go the first time - he turns Ginger's face up, he tries to look him in the eye, he tries not to look like he's going to cry, Ginger's feelings still echoing in him. )
I don't want to leave you behind. I'm not going to. Okay? I don't— Ginger, I love you. Yuu-chan's... he's my family. You're... family too, but you're— more than that.
( He stumbles over the words, trying to find - an explanation of his heart that isn't just circumstance, that isn't just that Yuu has moved on, that he himself is dead and gone. It's the hardest thing, trying to name the color of his feelings. )
I just... it's different. And I miss him. I miss him a lot. But I... Yuu-chan is— someone I miss. But you're a part of me. How could I... choose him over my own heart...?
( He swallows, his gaze dropping; assuming, already, his overture would fail, no matter how sincere. Every mistake in his life has been irrevocable, and all the moments between have him growing complacent. Does it matter if he insists he'd choose Ginger, if he's made Ginger believe one day he won't?
... But if he could change himself, somehow... )
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No, Mika, no - [ Pleas rather than denial; he sounds just as wounded, just as panicked. He mirrors Mika, catching his face in hand, thumbs under his eyes poised for the impossible task of catching every single tear before they can fall. His blue eyes, soft only for Mika, look up at him as though he’d spend a millennia in willing servitude with love carried heavy to serve it word for word, slice for slice from the flesh of his heart, into the downturn of his lips. ] Mikaela, Mika - don’t cry, sweet. I know, I do - so please - … Listen, okay?
[ Softly, sadly, firmly: ]
I know. You’ve done nothing wrong. Each moment you kiss me, you’re choosing me. Every smile, every laugh, every touch - every time our eyes meet.
[ Like right now, his gaze implores. ]
I know you don’t want to leave me. I know you’ll be there when the world is just you and me again.
[ But… His mouth works around the sound of Yuu’s name. It’s a sigh, at himself, that continues his thoughts. ]
But - it’s not fair to you to say Yuu is just someone you miss. It’s not fair to you, Mika. He’s also a part of you. And I love every single part of you. Yeah, it hurts, but you don’t have to explain him away.
[ He tries for pull apart the deep hurt, tries to make them comprehensible for Mika, though he still doesn’t know what to do with himself for feeling this way. Just… if Mika can manage it for Ginger, then he can do the same. ]
The hurt… is me. It’s nothing you can control, and maybe… I can’t even control it. I love you so much, you know? I want you - always. In every way there exists to want, that’s me with you. You know this.
[ These are things Ginger has admitted. But Mika sees him as sweet, when Ginger knows his sweetness often distracts from how rotten he really is. And the thing that makes him want to cry is that he knows, he knows Mika would love him that way, too. Would explain it away by making himself an even worse monster. His lovely heart, he cries for him. ]
But it’s - it’s easy to know, harder… to understand. It’s… obsession. I want all of you. It sounds terribly romantic, but what I feel inside is… ah, insidious. I want to be the only person in your heart, to be your first choice and your only choice - but I can’t be. I shouldn’t. That’s not fair to you, to the people who’ve loved you, who love you still. I may want all these things, but I don’t want to change your heart because I love you as you are, Mika.
Do you see? This is just me hurting myself. It’s not you. [ Never you. ] You only make me better.
[ Better, not fixed. There isn’t one for something like him. ]
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It aches like a fresh wound; it hurts to deny himself, and to deny Yuu. Ginger's right. But he would split himself at the seams as if ripping flesh from bone if it kept Ginger from feeling this way, from twisting his expression so. Mika presses his face into Ginger's cheek, his hands falling, and one gently taking hold of Ginger's wrist so close to Mika's face. )
... How can I make this better?
( Ginger says these beautiful and kind and loving things about Yuu, about Mika, and Mika loves him for it, but Ginger disregards himself. All this boils down to is just - saying to leave Ginger be, but how can he? How can he when he's hurting?
If there's no cure, there must at least be treatment. There can't be nothing. He can't accept that. )
I would change... if you wanted. I would let you change me, without a thought. But you want to preserve this thing that I am. ( The worst thing he's done is gotten Ginger attached to him - now he's too sentimental to change him, even if it'd be for the better. ) So just...
( He falters, again, struggling; frustrated, that knowing - how Ginger feels, doesn't mean he knows how to address it. )
... How can I convince you... that I won't leave you? ( Not just that he doesn't want to trade him in for Yuu, but that he won't. ) How can I make it hurt less? Please.
( Take Ginger's hands gently from himself and hold them away, not able to stop how he feels about it, but help him hurt himself a little less. )
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[ He shakes his head. How does he show Mika the enormity of what he means to Ginger; how much Ginger loves him, more and more with every moment? Cut open his chest and he’d bleed love for Mika. Dissect his dreams and his hopes and there would be a million and one shades of Mika there, reflected in every freckle of light.
He leans up or pulls Mika down - he’s not sure - he just knows he needs to kiss him, right now, sweetly - so sweetly. Peppered kisses that mean love you, love you, mine; love you, yours.
… Oh - but he’s also Mika’s. Oh. How he feels now about Mika making himself nothing to make Ginger something, he’s - doing the same.
He huffs a short sound, a wet laugh, against Mika’s lips. Angry at himself. ]
I’m sorry. I’m hurting you. You help, you make everything better. Ah, we’re a mess now, really.
[ He’s so dumb. They’re both so - he’s happy they’re like this, fumbling in the same ways, stumbling in the same direction and thinking they’re lost from each other; he’s happy they’re alike. Look at them, how anxious and panicked they are to make the other feel better - when they’re both chosen each other in so many ways. Stupid, silly pair. He… likes that. He likes them.
The bad things, the bad thoughts - they don’t go away, but they quiet down. They’re not as loud. Mika says please and even those thoughts know they should listen. ]
And thank you for saying all that even when it hurt you, too… If you change, I want to change, too. To be… better for you. Maybe that means I should… learn to like myself a little because it hurts you when I don’t. But if we change together, in tandem, I could do it.
It doesn’t… it doesn’t have to be now, does it? We’re still learning each other.
[ He has doubts if that’s possible because he can never help these thoughts, but he thinks of how he’d be willing to do anything for Mika - and he thinks yeah, this, too. He doesn’t want to be the one to hurt Mika, and he is, he just did - so much, he’s sorry. He’ll change. ]
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Ah, right; hadn't he hurt Ginger in this same way, some weeks back? When he'd offered to let Ginger set him down? And Mika had done it again; and Ginger has done the same, here, to him. It's so easy to forget they'd met in the manner one meets the eyes of their reflection in the mirror when he spends so much of his time fixing Ginger up on a pedestal, hoping to set him closer to the sun, shower him in attention and affection like he deserves.
He wants to protest - you could never hurt me; nothing you could ever do to me would ever be hurt. And this much is plain on his face. And Mika would mean it, in a way that would not always be good for him. But he, for once, holds his tongue, understanding that is not the right answer. At least, not right now.
Maybe listening is, for once. They're both so bad at hearing each other sometimes, instead of hearing the anxious voice in their heads. )
... I've never...
( ... learned, how to like himself, he wants to say. This is not untrue. But - there was a time, right? A brief time, when he was young and with the orphanage, that he was happy, and he thinks he only hated himself a little bit. Still saw himself without worth; still feared he'd be scrapped and abandoned, but. A time where he thinks that maybe one day, he could have... become better.
(In an ideal world, where their orphanage was truly an orphanage, and not a testing ground.)
(But he believed he could be better, one day. And that belief he had then is more than he has now. And doesn't Ginger make him at least just as happy as he was then? All that warmth spread across every orphan, delivered from Ginger alone. No wonder his love felt so sweltering.)
...
He kisses him - presses his lips in against Ginger's frustrated own, and only barely parts. )
... We have forever to figure it out. Right? ( Forever, five minutes at a time. ) ... I do want you to... like yourself too. But, until you can... until we figure it all out— I'm... it's not a burden for me to like you for you. However we change... I'd be happy with however we turn out, so long as it's together.
( ...
And then he falls quiet for a moment, and he pulls himself back - just a little bit. Gazing at Ginger, and hesitating - the words caught at the back of his throat, until, finally, he thinks maybe this is right: )
... When you figure out how to propose... ( Not for marriage— what Ginger had meant the first time: for Mika to stay with him, forever. The thousands of do-overs, with no fixed end. ) ... Maybe we can make it a promise. If that's how we feel... If that's what feels right, for us... when you do.
( And he says this not because it's binding - but because it's selfish. And maybe - maybe - them trying to give up pieces of themselves to add to the other... isn't want they want.
Maybe they both want to hold fast and let go, and maybe they're wrong for trying to... deny it. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But he won't know until he asks Ginger, instead of deciding it all for himself. )
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Forever, and whatever we end up as - we’ll be happy. I’m sure.
[ He hadn’t questioned it as a child until the other children poked where it hurt, for something he couldn’t change. But he hadn’t questioned - he hadn’t asked if something like him could make Rum happy, if he deserved to be by Rum’s side. Deserving wasn’t a question; he didn’t know it once.
If they can’t come to like themselves, they’ll at least have a better understanding of why - why they’re loved anyway, why it’s okay, why doubt lacks a physical form to compete with the warmth of each other. And maybe then, doubt can question things less because they’ll be used to warmth and a mutual love that’ll grow and grow until it overwhelms all else.
And…
Ginger thinks if he can’t like himself, he can like the way he makes Mika happy. The way he loves him, even if it is utterly selfish - but that encourages Mika to be a little selfish, too. And he… definitely… likes that. So: ]
Yes. Yes. Yes. [ He breathes it into the next kiss, his hunger for Mika reawakened on this one selfish idea. ]
Hey, Mika… Want to do something a little… naughty? [ He pushes up from the pillows, straightens his back. His eyes invite, implore Mika to watch him and only him. ] Let’s make love - right here - with the windows open, so the spirits can hear how much we love each other.
[ So the next time he casts a spell on Mika, there’s no chance it’ll slide away. ]
And then after - [ When he’s still in Mika, when they’ve come down somewhat from the high of pleasure; when it would be utterly silly for Mika to think Ginger could possibly look at him with anything but love for hearing all the bad bits - when they’re still one being - Can Mika glimpse these images? ] - share more of your past with me?
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He feels his chest boil with the familiar sensation of Ginger's heat, his love, in the echo of his hungry answer, and this is a warmth that lingers in him, thrilled - how badly Ginger wants to be bound to him, because Mika wants this, too. So firmly interwoven - like thread - they can't be detangled again.
So please don't go back for Rum, or your friends, or your parents— (but, if you do, please take me with you, and please choose me, even then).
His gaze follows Ginger up, fixed longingly on him for even the few centimetres of distance between them. He doesn't expect - what he suggests next with such boyish excitement; it's something that draws a deep flush to his cheeks, the scandal of it more than what he'd have ever imagined on his own. The memory of the inn - all of it - comes rushing back to him in tandem, and that does not help how the heat in his chest refracts with the heat radiating off his cheeks - not one bit.
But Ginger wants to be closer. He wants to know him and his past - ugly a sight as Mika is - and he wants to declare him and Mika as a set to everything there is, and embarrassing as that is, as if the strongest sort of PDA (to the spirits?) there is, it... appeals to him, so wrapped up in the moment, so consumed by how terribly he loves Ginger. )
... Yeah.
( He reaches... and takes Ginger's hand gently, and he places it against his own cheek, mouthing the palm - his teeth running light along the palm, his lips working up along the underside of Ginger's fingers. )
... All of me is yours, from my past to my heart, and... I want... them to know that you're mine, too.
( Would that they could carve into the flesh of this world that he is Ginger's, and Ginger is his, and - to not let anything come between them. (Please, please, please.) )
... I'll tell you everything, so please... love me.
( He kisses his fingers, his lips lingering there, wet, in invitation. And the way he says it, he means make love to me, too. )