[ Oh, but the soft radiance of Mika’s new smile. If it were a sound, he thinks it would be mellisonant in song, meant to make his heart tremble. Angels tend to pick a person, a duty to devote themselves to if they cannot pick God, Himself. Ginger suspects (when he’s clearheaded) that’s why his possessiveness borders on obsession. He’s the worst of both worlds. He could worship Mika now, and it would feel right.
(He thinks… he wants to worship him all over, every snow-pale inch.)
Mika’s so beautiful in this moment that it takes Ginger whole seconds to blink out of his adoration. He sees a little less warmth and a little more worry. ]
I… don’t think… he was aiming all that well at the time. [ And maybe some part of Khun had realized that spearing through Ginger would likely pierce through him as well. ] I’ll get a healer in the morning - I think the spelled towel will do for tonight. It’s… somewhere in here.
[ When he gets his brain to work again, he’ll summon it to them. ]
I guess… it’s sore… [ Trying to be honest in his answers. He can’t really feel it - there’s too many other important things to feel. And once those things settle, he won’t even mind the pain. A reminder of - all the bad and good from tonight. He needs it to hurt, he thinks. ] But… I don’t want to be away from you, not after what happened.
My heart… [ Needs Mika to stay close. ] … needs you more than my body needs healing. Is that… alright?
( In the furrow of his brows it's clear enough that Mika is hesitating - his need to be certain that Ginger is okay, will be okay, his resentment toward himself for the absence of his ability to heal, at odds with the warm ripples Ginger sends through his chest.
But Ginger is so earnest and loving in a way Mika has missed so dearly, and it comes too in shades he hasn't yet experienced from Yuu - shades he has always, always wanted desperately, but has never known. (How greedy it is, to want to be loved, instead of selflessly devoting yourself to another.) It's hard not to believe him, when Mika has always been weak to those led by their hearts, regardless of his own reason.
...
He brings their foreheads together again, noses brushing, lips close, like before. )
... Only if you really will be okay. ( A gentle plea, but one that suggests he's trying to listen to Ginger's voice instead of his own fear's, for once. ) I can't give you my eternity if you disappear.
( "Disappear" being the mildest way to put it, but his chest would seize to think of it as any worse - when all he wants to do is set Ginger's affection in his empty chest instead, let himself feel a mimicry of living again. (Selfish, selfish, but is it okay as long as Ginger likes selfish?)
This time, he closes that slight distance between their lips - they brush together slightly, not fully a kiss, but a little more than the playful nosing Ginger did earlier. It's experimental. But if this sort of thing can convey feeling, maybe this small gesture can serve as an underline. )
... I'm here. I'll always be here. So... you can rest.
I won’t disappear. [ With the conviction of a promise he can’t say. ] Because…
[ His future with Mika is currently simple, like the beginnings of a dream. A small idea to start: the two of them. Followed by scenes that fill out slow but bleed fast with all the colors of their feelings. Endless is the space of it, waiting to be filled. The colors and a memory inspire him - ‘I didn't think I could like flowers anymore.’ ]
Because I - [ Distracted by the almost kiss, their lips brushing together as Mika speaks, Mika’s breath on his lips. After: ] … That’s not fair, Mika. How can I rest after that?
[ How can I resist after that?
A hook through his heart that reels him in; a grasp on his tie that invites more if he stays close. He really was going to be good after two kisses, but this is two and a half - two and a lingering, lingering half. He wants to see it finished into three.
So he presses in, savoring the sweet note of Mika’s breath, marveling at the softness of his lips. He tries to keep it chaste still, but the longer this kiss continues, the harder that is to do. He should - pull back. A scant distance between them that might as well not be there. Just a little, just to finish his earlier train of thought: ]
Mm… I want to spend eternity building you a garden.
[ Inside and out. A garden in real life, full of all the flowers he can think of - and one inside Mika, so Mika can maybe one day believe - even just a little - that he is not so dead inside. ]
( The faintest ah escapes him into their kiss, but this time not breathy, not warm; it's gently surprise, a heart's beat of excitement, when love lands and finds its mark. He kisses - back, in his unfamiliar and uncertain way, his fingers slipping back around to lock behind Ginger's neck.
He understands himself as a creature created with a cosmological failing so fundamental he cannot even grasp it. He exists only to protect those he cares for. And so for every ounce of fluttering, startling happiness he feels now, he'd return it back to Ginger with interest. But Ginger keeps giving - Ginger calls himself greedy, but he keeps giving, even as he takes his lips from Mika's, because he replaces it with something just as warm.
It might be the first time in the long time his eyes feel a little wet from something besides something hurting him. He should - he should protest. He could spend an eternity in devotion in Ginger (and Ginger would be with Rum, and Mika would support him even so) and that would be balanced, but Ginger spending on eternity on him? That's - unfair. That's terrible, to Ginger. Even if Ginger's with Rum, while he does it. Even then.
But this garden of Ginger's feelings makes him so, so happy. Happy in a way he can't even begin to compare to a moment Yuu - it occupies a different axis, in a wholly different vector. It's a piece of his heart just for Ginger. (Maybe it's more than a piece.)
Almost like he doesn't know what to do with himself, he rests his head lightly against the crook of his neck, Ginger's pulse so, so close. If Mika had his own pulse, it might be frantic - or entirely stunned.
In a small, small voice: )
... Why me?
( What did he do for Ginger to find him so worthy? This isn't the real question, though. Ginger is kind - so, so kind. He could spin gold from straw, he thinks. Whatever sweet thing he might mention, Mika might struggle to believe it.
What he really means - what his heart hangs from like a lifeline, is this: )
[ His heart chose as it saw fit. Just like when he was born with Rum, somehow - without rhyme or reason, Rum became his everything. It wasn’t any one thing that the other boy did. Ginger knows better than anyone that he will never win against himself. He has never won, even once.
If his heart has chosen, that’s it.
Along the way, Mika became the most important one to him - and the romantic that Ginger is thinks maybe this path was always his to take. It would be a relief if… standing at the end of his path… was someone who just accepted all of him. He thinks… that’s Mika, and the light of his kindness has exposed nearly all of Ginger’s writhing selfish desires. And the rest, Mika would hold it with care if he knew. Ginger thinks; Ginger hopes. ]
… I don’t know why - I just know that I’m right to choose you. When all I want to do is say your name.
[ He does realize he says it a lot, and thinks it even more. Mika has become synonymous with love, with comfort, with safe. ]
I don’t have a reason for why it shouldn’t be you. And I’m… really happy that it’s you, Mika.
[ This is how it feels to hold someone important, to have Mika willingly in his arms, touching him - like he’s normal. As if his back full of gashes didn’t reflect the hungry maws within him. And Mika still seems to crawl in of his own accord.
(Did he set out the bait? He’s trying to keep Mika, but how is that different from trapping him? …Is this fair to Mika…?) ]
Unless you became a different person entirely, someone that can’t be called Mika, I don’t think I’ll stop feeling this way for you. [ It’s just the start. Ginger can sense the start of a fall. ] So tell me your feelings, tell me no, tell me yes. Ask me if I still love you, if you ever feel unsure.
Um… Even if you lose parts of yourself, that’s fine. [ That was a concern, he remembers, that Mika would not always be Mika. But Ginger disagrees - or rather, his greed… refuses to let go. How could he? Every part is so precious. ] I’ll find them and keep them until you want those pieces again. I’ll remember them.
( In this declaration, Mika recognizes something; not necessarily in word, but in feeling: the sense of being safe, that he's wanted all along.
His fingers curl into Ginger's skin. He wishes he were better at words, instead of just action. Forget how to keep Ginger loving him - he just wants to think about how he can make Ginger feel just as loved in return. )
... Okay.
( He'd always worry, likely. At least a little bit. He'll always have some part of him that asks if this much is too much - is this too much to hope Ginger will gather? Is this too much to expect Ginger to hold? But for once this thought occupies a minority in his mind. )
I believe you.
( And it's so, so hard to make Mika believe.
He hesitates, but: )
... In the morning... we'll find someone to heal you. ( Reiterating what Ginger said before. And then: ) And I'll come with you. And I... want to be with you after that. And the day after that. And the day after that. If that's fine. Because...
( Realistically, he knows it won't be a consecutive interaction. They're busy little wizards, and Mika still hasn't forgotten Ginger needs nights to himself. But! But. In sentiment, he wants to. He thinks he wants to be around Ginger a lot more. And he's fine with them parting (because how else will he be able to watch him from afar, and see what Ginger does when he's not with Mika?).
Still. There will always be a part of him that will want to be alone in the world with the person he cares about. He accepted Yuu's horizons had grown beyond him, but the small and childish side of him still remained, however faint, and it wanted to be Yuu's everything.
He thinks he can feel that want budding, here, too. He knows he has to temper it - even though he doesn't truly mind when Ginger has expressed, in a more piecewise way, the same to him. )
... I don't think my feelings can ever change. ( No caveat. Ginger doesn't even need to stay Ginger. Simply the concept of Ginger is enough. ) So. If you ever have to carry them... just know they're probably all thoughts about you.
Ginger breathes in and finds his throat tight, his eyes wet. That’s familiar. What’s new is the words that echo into his heart, a resounding answer to a wish he’s had all his life. It doesn’t sound real, even though he knows Mika only ever says what he means. This is Mika’s words touching his heart so easily and deeply, laying claim to a thing no one else has wanted.
Someone to think of him and love him as much as he loves them. Constantly, always. Today, tomorrow, and the forever after that.
He lies there, overwhelmed, but somehow breathing. Somehow his heart beats. ]
Oh.
[ The sound wet. He curls into Mika, holding him uncomfortably tight as his shoulders start to shake and his tears come quietly. He wants Mika so close that they become one; if they shared one beating heart, then Mika would know the impossible magnitude of his words. How he is so painfully happy right now that his chest feels raw with it. ]
… Is it really alright for me to have that much of your love…?
[ He believes Mika’s willing to give it - but it’s so much. Until now, he’s been eager to accept all the affection coming his way, but in this moment, he’s too happy and he’s terrified of that. (Just like angels who experienced emotions for the first time and were overwhelmed that these feelings were possible.) Is this really happening to Ginger or is this just a dream that will break his heart when he wakes? ]
Mika, I’m too happy. [ He closes his eyes, and still the tears fall, clinging onto his lashes, his cheeks, the edge of his jaw, the strands of Mika’s hair. ] You’re so wonderful. Really? You would think of me that much?
( He worries at first he'd done something terribly wrong - the scent of tears; the sound of that Oh; the way Ginger holds him painfully tight (it becomes a fortunate fact, for once, that he doesn't need to breathe). Ginger's blood rushes and his heart beats with such force. Was he okay? Was he all right? How can Mika fix it?
But Ginger manages more, and then Mika is - uncertain. Ginger is... the most important person to him here; Mika'd been possessed, even, by Ginger's charm - enough to ask him if he might let Mika think of him as family. How could Mika not love him that much? Embarrassing as it is (just a little bit) to phrase it that way, he still knows that he loved them; he had loved the orphans, and he had loved Yuu, with all his heart. And to Mika, this whole-soul devotion is what's natural for family. So Ginger's surprise confuses him.
(Then again, what he feels for Ginger feels a shade deeper than what he's used to feeling, he thinks. Still - family is family, no matter its depth.) )
... Yeah, of course.
( He can't really shift with Ginger holding so tight, so he'll make do - the hands at the back of his neck become arms that wind around his neck to hold him back (if with significantly absent crushing force), a hand brushing through Ginger's hair. )
Why wouldn't I, when you're so important to me? And I— I want you to have it. It's yours, Ginger. It's all for you.
( Thinking of Ginger, caring for him, feels like the least he can do. Giving it to Ginger seems only reasonable - especially when he's already entrusted Ginger with his heart.
Maybe Ginger doesn't truly get the extent of what family means to Mika, and so it surprises him now to hear Mika express it. Sure; that's possible. But some part of him feels - it's more - like it's like - like Ginger doesn't expect to be loved enough. Like he never does. But Ginger has so much love to give; isn't it unfair that he always gives so much and accepts so little? Especially when he wants it this badly? Why hadn't anyone loved him enough before? Mika feels certain he's done so little for Ginger. He hasn't even given Ginger everything he wants, and Ginger won't even let himself have it. The family thing, he thinks, does more for himself than Ginger. Mika's said a few nice things - sure, spoken genuinely, from the remains of his heart - but it's not much. No one's done at least this much for Ginger before? Not even this?
For the first time, he thinks he feels truly, genuinely angry with Rum. )
He should tell Mika that if he ever changes his mind, he can leave. (No.) That if it’s too much, he doesn’t have to force himself to love Ginger. (He can’t.) That if he wants to stop, Ginger understands. (Don’t. Please, stay mine.) ]
No one has offered so much before. I believe you, but it feels too good to be true all the same.
Because - [ Hope lodges itself painfully in his throat. ] - it sounds like you want to be mine as much as I want to be yours.
[ Impossible, right? No one would want that knowing the desperate, all-consuming parts of Ginger - and the sexual appetite that struggles to sate itself. Looking at him and seeing an angel, but all he can be is a demon, so he will always disappoint. No one wanted him before knowing, so why does Mika keep offering when he knows nearly everything? He gives so much - too much. Ginger knows he’s holding on too tight, but Mika holds him back - and his hand feels like forgiveness when Ginger hasn’t apologized yet.
The affection - that’s family is his understanding. But the rest… The kissing, the thoughts… Is that family, too? ]
… Can I?
[ Will you?
The sun never rises this hopeful for Ginger and he hasn’t done anything or changed in any great way to deserve this. Is it fair if Ginger accepts the miracle that is Mika’s love, all for him - all his? ]
He can't conceptualize how he would be. It's not like he can't love Ginger and love Yuu-chan - right? They're not the same. They're both... dear to him - the only family he has left, living (and even then, he's separate from Yuu now, so Ginger's the only one who carries that label who's within reach). But some part of him does pause.
And he considers - maybe - that it must be the same for Ginger. They may say all and everything and yours and mine, but that doesn't dislodge Yuu from Mika's heart, nor Rum from Ginger's. (Unfortunately.) Yuu was never his, to begin with. And Mika—
Mika had so desperately wanted to be Yuu's, but there wasn't space for him.
But Ginger isn't like Yuu. He doesn't have a lot of loves, a lot of friends (though he deserves the world, surely). He's so desperate that Mika wonders (still with some frustration, partly unfair, toward everyone Ginger knows) if he must be the first to offer him affection. Ginger... might still love Rum most, but it's - Rum is a known value. There's still a little space left for Mika, right? (He wonders this, despite all Ginger's insistence.) Mika can give Ginger whatever Yuu-chan doesn't comprise, so he just - just wants a little bit of Ginger in turn. (No: he wants more, but he won't dare.)
Just a little bit of space. Just don't set him aside. Please, just be his starry sky (he took away all the wrong lessons from Solomon, in the end). If that's okay. If this isn't too selfish. If you - really, truly, want this, too, like you say you do, like you seem you do.
Finally: )
... Please.
( Be his; want to be his; want to be with him, for - as long as this lasts. (They talk in eternity, but Mika parses things in decay. Nothing lasts forever. Their time here will end. Ginger will return home, and Mika's heart will...)
But that's okay. Because if Ginger comes out of all this happier than he entered it, then Mika will swallow the coming end knowing he did right by someone, for once.
He turns his lips into Ginger's hair - closer to his ear, close to his skin, but not quite making contact. )
... Because I think I... really do... want to be yours, too.
So the sun rises after all. Mika’s lips so close to his ear feel like a spot of sunlight after the morning’s dew has settled. Warmth over a familiar temperature that is just Mika - Ginger thinks he could love it all his life.
(He has fleeting, fleeting thoughts and snippets of dreams - painfully shameful, all the same - of wanting to know how hot he can make Mika, and how it would feel to - … )
In general loving Mika is an easy thing - it tends to be the rest - the parts adjacent - that’s scary. But… even that is a little easier. With Rum, he was always intensely scared. Even so, that love will never go away - Ginger thinks he’ll forget how to breathe and his heart how to beat before he forgets Rum, who is the shape of his love grown from childhood. But Ginger isn’t Rum’s; he just wants to be.
He knows he won’t forget Mika either, though his love for Mika shifts and changes, like it can’t decide - or just like Ginger, like it wants everything. It hasn’t finished building into something that is Mika-shaped yet. But Mika is someone he can, will love forever.
Right now what probably scares him the most… is Mika’s eternity, which seems to somehow have some sort of end. That’s the sense he’s been getting. And in this end, does the garden flourish, its beauty almost rivaling that of Mika’s smile? In this impossible end, is Mika happy with all the love he’s been given? Would be he happy to know that even if Ginger’s eternity surpasses his, love will be a constant. Love will always be Mika’s, just like Ginger will always be Mika’s.
If any of these answers are no - and if the end of Mika’s eternity stops before… anything…
He rolls them over so they’re face to face, his hold no longer constricting. Mika is his now; he’ll stay. (Right?) Ginger’s red from cry, red from his emotions, red… from Mika’s loveliness. Still, he wants their eyes to meet, to see clearly into each other’s hearts. ]
Can I… promise… to love you for eternity? I want to. [ He lets out a soft, husky laugh - sad and wet because he knows promises are dangerous here. But he can keep this one. ] … I don’t want there to be any doubt. I know you believe me, but I want you to believe… how much I love you.
Ginger pulls apart from him, but for once, maybe, he doesn't feel so scared - scared like he'd so often been with Yuu, that every slightest parting would be their final one. Mika knows Yuu loved him, but Yuu loved everyone. Yuu was stupid, and reckless, and so dazzingly bright— blinding. Mika would have to shade his blinded eyes and then - Yuu would be gone.
But Ginger wouldn't be. At least, Mika wants to believe Ginger hopes to stay. And though Mika had asked for it, he almost doesn't know what to do with it once he hears it. He's happy. He's happy - he knows that much. Before he died, he remembers he asked the Yuu-chan in his dream - not to leave him behind. And that Yuu had said yes. But that was only a dream. And this is - true? Is it true? And if it's true, could he - keep it safe, this time? Keep safe Ginger's sweet, silly face, red from tears - protect his gentle heart - protect them, connected, together?
Mika meets Ginger's gaze, and his eyes are full of a tentative hope - the sort of look you have when you're gazing at something fragile and precious, so uncertain of how to hold it. A look of affection.
And Ginger asks to promise, and Mika falters. )
... I believe you.
( He believes - he's willing to believe, despite the doubt in his heart, that Ginger loves him right now. And he knows right now, Ginger really believes he could love Mika forever - and that thought alone washes over Mika's heart like a flood. It's so much. It's more than he could ever have hoped for, and this sentiment alone would be something he'd gladly die for. And that childish part of him wants to accept.
But forever is a long time.
But he can't leash Ginger to him into eternity. And he's seen it - in vampires - how forever becomes a shackle. But how does he tell him? Ginger does get a little carried away. He's the one who insists he'll carry pieces of Mika always, always. And that's a lot - but at least he's not bound to it. At least there's chance for him to one day, in the future, set the weight of Mika down, if (when) he needs to move on. And Ginger hadn't liked it when Mika wanted to force him to make room for that chance.
(And— what if— Ginger promises a love too strong? Not on purpose. What if it just happens, in the heat of the moment? Something that suggests a love for Mika that eclipses his love for Rum. That would be a promise immediately broken. What would happen to Ginger then?)
Despite his best efforts, there's hesitation, there's doubt in his gaze. )
... Can you choose me, instead?
( Mika lifts his hands between them, as if asking Ginger to take them. )
Every day. Please just choose me. ( Until you can't. And that'll be okay. ) You'll always have the chance to walk away. But if you don't... isn't that like making a promise, every time we see each other?
( Mika has offered to promise Ginger, because he doesn't mind binding himself. But now that Ginger offers, he can't help but worry - if Ginger promises this, what if every day he stays with him becomes an obligation; the day Mika disappears a relief? That's so scary. He couldn't stand being his yoke, weighing him gradually down. He couldn't live with Ginger's hatred. )
[ He would’ve chosen Mika anyway, he thinks. So he reaffirms: ]
Okay, it would make me happy to choose you.
[ (…)
( He does wonder why Mika refused the promise. Is it because his eternity ends? Is it because he wants to keep his options open - but that’s fine, isn’t it? Ginger won’t ask him for a promise. Ginger would never be brave enough for that. Is it because he still has doubts? Ginger’s feelings won’t fade, he’s absolutely certain. But besides promising, he doesn’t know any immediately way to assuage any doubts, any fears. All he has to offer is… himself.)
(He may only be half an angel, but he carries their faithfulness. There is no angel in existence tired of their devotion to God; likewise, Ginger could - he would devote himself to Mika. Happily. … Maybe if he weren’t lacking in some way, Mika would have agreed.)
… If he weren’t lacking, Mika wouldn’t have to offer so much and take so little.
His thumbs skim the soft palms of Mika’s hands when he takes hold of them. It’s as if Mika’s saying he knows exactly what kind of possessive - obsessive - creature Ginger is and he’s opening the door to his closeted wants anyway: to choose the person he loves every day and to be with them today; tomorrow; and after that; and the day after that; and the day after that…; after every term for the course of days is exhausted and words no longer matter, then too.
He brings Mika’s hands to his lips, brushing light kisses over every knuckle. ]
I’ll choose you in every way I know how. And… if there’s a way you don’t want, tell me no.
[ Because for Ginger, he doesn’t just hear choose me. He also hears claim me, his inner demon overlapping with Mika’s voice. ‘Can you claim me, instead? Every day. Please just claim me.’
Yes. Yes, he will. Yes, he wants that.
His lips travel from knuckles to Mika’s right palm, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to its center, eyes focused on Mika. Intent enough that he seems one step away from biting his claim. ]
Tell me no when you hate it, and say yes when you love it.
( He's relieved Ginger acquiesces, as if they'd diverted some terrible fate. He's happy, too, just to hear Ginger say he'd choose him. That's already enough, for Mika; it's like hearing a lifetime of Ginger choosing him in advance. It's okay if Ginger has to cut it short one day, because he's already made Mika so happy now. And Mika could look back on this for as long as he still has a heart, and it would warm him just as much - even if Ginger's no longer around.
Yes, the childish part of his heart wants these things Ginger offers - but he knows better than to lend it ear. That part of him is what killed his family. That part of him is what almost took Yuu-chan away from all those humans who... could look after him far better than Mika could. Don't ask for a lot - don't hope for a lot - don't need very much at all. He'll be the temperance between them if Ginger doesn't know when to pump the breaks when it comes to things that might put Ginger at risk. And they'll find a way to manage, somehow. )
... I will. ( Tell him if he likes or dislikes what Ginger does. ) And I'll... choose you too. Every single time.
( In what ways? He's still figuring that out, but he knows he isn't subtle when he has someone to devote himself to.
Still, he can't say what it is, but something about Ginger's lips to his knuckles - lips to his palm - Ginger's eyes clear and fixed on his - warms his cheeks.
Does he want to know if Mika loves this, too? Mika has insisted on his own honesty, and it's something he wants to keep to now. He thinks... Ginger will hear him out, whatever he says. And that makes it easier to speak, where he'd hesitated with Ginger before.
He swallows, fingers curling in light against Ginger's face. )
[ Blue eyes, hazy with heat, narrow with pleasure when he feels Mika’s fingers - his hand - cup his face, returning his affection. ]
Being kissed?
[ Here? his lips ask against Mika’s palm, the ending of the question another kiss. Another one at the base of his palm, lips closing over the rounded edge. And here? ]
My love…
[ Mika is his sweetest love. Every small taste of his essence winds Ginger tighter, harder - but he thinks, he thinks it’s fine. He doesn’t need release. He thinks he likes being a step closer to the edge each time, but never tipping - because he’d fall alone. Mika doesn’t experience release, does he? Mika falls in a different way.
No, Ginger would rather - if they could - together. Something… together. Until then -
(He’s watching, waiting. Tell him no. If not… )
A short trail marked by breath to where his pulse should be. His lips open like a bite - like a taste - and catch on skin. ]
I think… I understand - a little - what you mean when you say you like my blood. Should I… kiss you all over from now on? Would you like that?
( Yeah, there; yeah, there, too. He thumbs Ginger's skin gently as his lips work their way down, affirming.
There are so, so many people deserving of love - so many people who need it. Mika knows he doesn't deserve this; doesn't deserve - someone calling him their love, with all the affection so heavy in their chest he near mistakes their heart's beat for his own. But he takes this anyway, and this is the amount of selfishness - his childish desire - he'll allow himself.
Because he likes Ginger that much. Because these feelings are enthralling and new. Because Ginger would call him his love, when surely no one else would dare - when Ginger is his...
He exhales soft, breath warm, as Ginger's teeth scrape his skin. But he thinks he... doesn't dislike it. )
... Yeah. I— maybe. I think so.
( There's an expectant spark in his affectionate gaze, even as he funbles through all this. This is so new to him, and he's self-conscious, but he's... excited? Like a teen locked in a closet for seven minutes in heaven for the first time, even if this is nowhere near as much.
He's unsure, yes, but he kind of wants to find out. )
... But if you spend too long on it... I won't get to...
( His voice drops to a mumble, the ending sounding like "kiss you too," )
[ Right, that wouldn’t be fair. He wants to kiss Mika - all over now that he’s been given permission - but he wants Mika’s kisses even more.
He’s so greedy for love; like a man parched of it and Mika is his oasis. His love, his love.
He pulls his lips away but keeps his face cradled in Mika’s gentle palm where he could place his heart - and it would be safer than where it is now, in his chest. When he was a child, he’d learned that angels born from God’s breath had done this with Him, grasping His hand like it was their everything, falling asleep as though touching Him soothed their very souls. Maybe it’s instinct from that; maybe that’s why he’s just a little obsessed with Mika’s hands.
( He cups Ginger's face in his palm as Ginger presses into it, thumbing the corner of his kind, warm lips so gently. Oh, no, he shouldn't have said that, because now he has way too much choice. "Where you want"? When he's a professional at denying his desires? )
... Just looking at you is more than enough.
( So the rest of this is indulgence of the highest order. If he had to list out his sins, there would probably be these, and he hadn't even done anything yet - though he brings his face close; tentatively closer. Where does he begin - and where should he end, if he isn't sure he even wants to?
The first kiss comes, finally, to Ginger's hair - pressing it to his head carefully, like he doesn't want Ginger to miss it. He brushes his other hand through Ginger's fringes, so, without lifting his lips much at all, he can sink down and press a kiss to his temple; then, just beside his eye.
The way he feeds and teeths and kisses at a wound - is carnal, and needy; but this is flustered and unsure and lingering and thoughtful, like he's saying something that's hard to say, embarrassing to say, but that he really means, that he really wants to choose his words carefully for.
Mumbling, still, but audible enough: )
... I'm thinking about all the parts of you I like.
( Ginger's soft hair, the way Ginger thinks so much of him, the way his eyes shine so bright when he smiles... even Mika thinks it's a bit corny - but he has to structure this somehow, or he'll end up thinking way too much about this. )
[ He waits patiently for Mika’s love, eves fluttering when the kiss by his eye lands. Lost in the moment, he can’t remember which one it is.
(Does Mika have a favorite? He wouldn’t like Ginger wondering that… but anyone would want to be their best self for the person they love. ) ]
… You’re so cute. Mika.
[ Mika. Mine, my love, love you.
He likes this a lot. Mika manages to be so unbelievably charming when he’s a little clumsy with his feelings, but so earnest, so cute. From the top of his head to the tip of his toes, he endears himself to Ginger’s heart. Again and again.
Giving Mika time to think and decide also lets Ginger reflect - he thinks he might be - … in lust, somewhat, with a lot of love to amplify the feeling. His body says at least that much, gently throbbing under the kisses. But gazing at the other now, he feels the stirrings of - that maybe he’s one step from - or he could already be a little in lo-…. ]
… Is it more than the parts of you I like?
[ The yet undiscovered parts of Mika are his, too, so he’ll love them, he’s sure. It’s just a matter of how? When? ]
I don’t know if… just now… is enough. Should we do this all night? [ Love into the morning light. ] Let’s kiss all night.
( All night... jeez, that's embarrassing; almost as embarrassing as the way Ginger calls him cute after that cheesy display (it's enough to redden the tips of his ears, still half-hidden by his hair).
Still - a whole night's worth of love? There's no way Ginger can have that much love for him - and what if Mika falls short, disappoints him?
But Ginger just looks so... happy, expectant - Mika falters in his own hesitation. How can he tell him no when Ginger is so eager, so easy to adore? And maybe that's what he likes about Ginger, too. That he's so much, that sometimes it's enough to make even Mika look past his trepidation, and certainty of failure. )
... There's so many parts of you I like, a whole night won't be enough to get through it all. But... we can try.
( Big words, but playful words, mostly - the sort of teasing he doesn't do so much with anyone these days, but Ginger.
But breaking into ease like this does - help him notice something his senses have long since picked up, that he's just not been paying attention to because he's been thinking so hard about all these new dimensions of intimacy and touch.
He strokes the side of Ginger's face... )
... Will you be okay? ( Face still close, expression wreathed in affection and concern. ) ... Do you want me to ignore it?
( He doesn't know how he feels about that, but the question is sincere. He wants... to know about Ginger's comfort first - before elbowing in with his own mislaid thoughts that may be nowhere near close to the mark of what Ginger really needs, like he did last time. )
[ When it comes to how much he adores Mika, his face is like an open book. It’s in way his smile grows little by little and the blues of his eyes become warmer and warmer by impossible degrees. In the way he tracks Mika’s lips, his blush, his eyes and looks like he badly wants to kiss him again for every new face he makes - because he does. ]
A whole night to start?
[ … is what he teases back with, light and cheeky.
And it’s cute, it’s fun - but there is the elephant in the room (approx, relative) which was going to be brought up sooner or later. No one ever ignores that. Ginger keeps his smile as it gentles into something quieter. ]
I’m okay. I can ignore it tonight, mostly. I won’t lie and say - I - I’ve never imagined your touch. [ Or more, always brief, shameful flashes. ] It’s important to me that…. I never make you uncomfortable with it. You shouldn’t be made for feel… like you have to do anything about it. So you can ignore it.
( Ugh... Ginger's so cute... He might not want to be called cute, but he is... )
... A whole night to start.
( Hehe,
As for the rest... He's imagined it??? That's surprising - is it flattering? He thinks it's probably a good thing, from Ginger. Especially considering he's so sentimental about who he does it with...
In thinking that, he realizes - maybe it's just his imagination? - that Ginger seems a lot less closed off about the possibility of trying it, with Mika. He thinks, anyway, and if his heart had pulse, he thinks it'd skip a beat.
... )
... It is a lot.
( He'll agree. Because he thinks Ginger does want to hear how he really feels, and he feels a lot. He lifts his hand at Ginger's cheek to run it through his hair, brushing back his hair from his eyes. )
... But I also want to think about it, too. Um— not because I think I have to, or anything. ( As much as he worries about Ginger dealing with it potentially all night. Do either of them need to sleep? ) The last time we talked about it, I thought about... how I'd really rather you do this kind of thing with someone that... You know— that it'd make you happy to...
( you know...!!!
Ginger's happiness is tantamount. If convenience would make him unhappy, then... Mika is torn on whether he'd really want Ginger to do it. But he thinks he wouldn't. Not for something so intimate, something that could be so upsetting. )
... But, um, like... I really do like kissing you. And I think I do want to... try a lot more things with you. Things I haven't done before. So... if it's fine... I'll think about it... I want to. For eventually. As long as you don't mind waiting. And only as long as you'd... like to, too.
( Going from chaste kissing to sex might be a bit ambitious, but he'd like to figure out... all the steps in between with Ginger, if Ginger's willing to try it all with him. )
[ Eventually is a lot more hopeful than never. Never is still on the table, and Ginger would be fine - honest, fine with never letting that side of him have more than a rough time with his own hand, alone, in private. He can handle that - at least that if he ever wants a love like his parents’.
It helps more than Mika probably realizes that he seems to accept Ginger as he is. Even when Ginger had made him frown, had frustrated him some, there was still affection - a willingness to stay by Ginger. There was… love.
And it had been a lesson: don’t act like he’s listening to Mika if he’s not going to actually listen. Good intentions aside, it doesn’t count if he isn’t seriously considering Mika’s opinions. Mika is leagues smarter than Ginger. ]
I’ll wait. [ He leans in, catching his lips for another kiss, another reminder that love is offered freely. ] I’ll be okay with never, too. But eventually sounds… exciting… if it’s with you.
I want to peel you back and see all of you, so there’s more for me to discover and love. If - that makes sense?
( Ginger's kiss and his words are enough to fluster him pink, get him wondering all over again - has anyone loved him like this - so much - before? Would anyone, could anyone? It's embarrassing. It's overwhelming. It's syrupy and sweet, better nectar than his blood is, and
he really, really likes him, he thinks. Not because Ginger likes him so much - but because Ginger is made of love, as Mika suspected, and he - he thinks that ... if Ginger would call Mika his love, Ginger must be... )
... My heart.
( Half said like a thought said aloud, slipped from his lips like a murmured daydream, without real and proper context. )
... I think you'll find it, if you'll dig deep enough down. And I... think I want to let you.
( Peel back the layers, if you want; find where he's vulnerable and sick, and he will hope Ginger loves these things, too. Because surely, he couldn't have such vibrant emotion without Ginger, and if feeling is what Ginger wants to find, he'll find his handiwork there.
He just hopes... Ginger will like all the things that he sees - the things he's affected in Mika, mixed in with the traces of the other people who have touched him. He could worry over it later; right now, he's a little on cloud nine, a little bit intoxicated on this shade of feeling Ginger provokes in him, in itself exciting and new. Family, but more? Or... maybe something - a little different... he thinks. )
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(He thinks… he wants to worship him all over, every snow-pale inch.)
Mika’s so beautiful in this moment that it takes Ginger whole seconds to blink out of his adoration. He sees a little less warmth and a little more worry. ]
I… don’t think… he was aiming all that well at the time. [ And maybe some part of Khun had realized that spearing through Ginger would likely pierce through him as well. ] I’ll get a healer in the morning - I think the spelled towel will do for tonight. It’s… somewhere in here.
[ When he gets his brain to work again, he’ll summon it to them. ]
I guess… it’s sore… [ Trying to be honest in his answers. He can’t really feel it - there’s too many other important things to feel. And once those things settle, he won’t even mind the pain. A reminder of - all the bad and good from tonight. He needs it to hurt, he thinks. ] But… I don’t want to be away from you, not after what happened.
My heart… [ Needs Mika to stay close. ] … needs you more than my body needs healing. Is that… alright?
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But Ginger is so earnest and loving in a way Mika has missed so dearly, and it comes too in shades he hasn't yet experienced from Yuu - shades he has always, always wanted desperately, but has never known. (How greedy it is, to want to be loved, instead of selflessly devoting yourself to another.) It's hard not to believe him, when Mika has always been weak to those led by their hearts, regardless of his own reason.
...
He brings their foreheads together again, noses brushing, lips close, like before. )
... Only if you really will be okay. ( A gentle plea, but one that suggests he's trying to listen to Ginger's voice instead of his own fear's, for once. ) I can't give you my eternity if you disappear.
( "Disappear" being the mildest way to put it, but his chest would seize to think of it as any worse - when all he wants to do is set Ginger's affection in his empty chest instead, let himself feel a mimicry of living again. (Selfish, selfish, but is it okay as long as Ginger likes selfish?)
This time, he closes that slight distance between their lips - they brush together slightly, not fully a kiss, but a little more than the playful nosing Ginger did earlier. It's experimental. But if this sort of thing can convey feeling, maybe this small gesture can serve as an underline. )
... I'm here. I'll always be here. So... you can rest.
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[ His future with Mika is currently simple, like the beginnings of a dream. A small idea to start: the two of them. Followed by scenes that fill out slow but bleed fast with all the colors of their feelings. Endless is the space of it, waiting to be filled. The colors and a memory inspire him - ‘I didn't think I could like flowers anymore.’ ]
Because I - [ Distracted by the almost kiss, their lips brushing together as Mika speaks, Mika’s breath on his lips. After: ] … That’s not fair, Mika. How can I rest after that?
[ How can I resist after that?
A hook through his heart that reels him in; a grasp on his tie that invites more if he stays close. He really was going to be good after two kisses, but this is two and a half - two and a lingering, lingering half. He wants to see it finished into three.
So he presses in, savoring the sweet note of Mika’s breath, marveling at the softness of his lips. He tries to keep it chaste still, but the longer this kiss continues, the harder that is to do. He should - pull back. A scant distance between them that might as well not be there. Just a little, just to finish his earlier train of thought: ]
Mm… I want to spend eternity building you a garden.
[ Inside and out. A garden in real life, full of all the flowers he can think of - and one inside Mika, so Mika can maybe one day believe - even just a little - that he is not so dead inside. ]
So I won’t disappear.
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He understands himself as a creature created with a cosmological failing so fundamental he cannot even grasp it. He exists only to protect those he cares for. And so for every ounce of fluttering, startling happiness he feels now, he'd return it back to Ginger with interest. But Ginger keeps giving - Ginger calls himself greedy, but he keeps giving, even as he takes his lips from Mika's, because he replaces it with something just as warm.
It might be the first time in the long time his eyes feel a little wet from something besides something hurting him. He should - he should protest. He could spend an eternity in devotion in Ginger (and Ginger would be with Rum, and Mika would support him even so) and that would be balanced, but Ginger spending on eternity on him? That's - unfair. That's terrible, to Ginger. Even if Ginger's with Rum, while he does it. Even then.
But this garden of Ginger's feelings makes him so, so happy. Happy in a way he can't even begin to compare to a moment Yuu - it occupies a different axis, in a wholly different vector. It's a piece of his heart just for Ginger. (Maybe it's more than a piece.)
Almost like he doesn't know what to do with himself, he rests his head lightly against the crook of his neck, Ginger's pulse so, so close. If Mika had his own pulse, it might be frantic - or entirely stunned.
In a small, small voice: )
... Why me?
( What did he do for Ginger to find him so worthy? This isn't the real question, though. Ginger is kind - so, so kind. He could spin gold from straw, he thinks. Whatever sweet thing he might mention, Mika might struggle to believe it.
What he really means - what his heart hangs from like a lifeline, is this: )
... And... what can I do to keep being that?
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If his heart has chosen, that’s it.
Along the way, Mika became the most important one to him - and the romantic that Ginger is thinks maybe this path was always his to take. It would be a relief if… standing at the end of his path… was someone who just accepted all of him. He thinks… that’s Mika, and the light of his kindness has exposed nearly all of Ginger’s writhing selfish desires. And the rest, Mika would hold it with care if he knew. Ginger thinks; Ginger hopes. ]
… I don’t know why - I just know that I’m right to choose you. When all I want to do is say your name.
[ He does realize he says it a lot, and thinks it even more. Mika has become synonymous with love, with comfort, with safe. ]
I don’t have a reason for why it shouldn’t be you. And I’m… really happy that it’s you, Mika.
[ This is how it feels to hold someone important, to have Mika willingly in his arms, touching him - like he’s normal. As if his back full of gashes didn’t reflect the hungry maws within him. And Mika still seems to crawl in of his own accord.
(Did he set out the bait? He’s trying to keep Mika, but how is that different from trapping him? …Is this fair to Mika…?) ]
Unless you became a different person entirely, someone that can’t be called Mika, I don’t think I’ll stop feeling this way for you. [ It’s just the start. Ginger can sense the start of a fall. ] So tell me your feelings, tell me no, tell me yes. Ask me if I still love you, if you ever feel unsure.
Um… Even if you lose parts of yourself, that’s fine. [ That was a concern, he remembers, that Mika would not always be Mika. But Ginger disagrees - or rather, his greed… refuses to let go. How could he? Every part is so precious. ] I’ll find them and keep them until you want those pieces again. I’ll remember them.
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His fingers curl into Ginger's skin. He wishes he were better at words, instead of just action. Forget how to keep Ginger loving him - he just wants to think about how he can make Ginger feel just as loved in return. )
... Okay.
( He'd always worry, likely. At least a little bit. He'll always have some part of him that asks if this much is too much - is this too much to hope Ginger will gather? Is this too much to expect Ginger to hold? But for once this thought occupies a minority in his mind. )
I believe you.
( And it's so, so hard to make Mika believe.
He hesitates, but: )
... In the morning... we'll find someone to heal you. ( Reiterating what Ginger said before. And then: ) And I'll come with you. And I... want to be with you after that. And the day after that. And the day after that. If that's fine. Because...
( Realistically, he knows it won't be a consecutive interaction. They're busy little wizards, and Mika still hasn't forgotten Ginger needs nights to himself. But! But. In sentiment, he wants to. He thinks he wants to be around Ginger a lot more. And he's fine with them parting (because how else will he be able to watch him from afar, and see what Ginger does when he's not with Mika?).
Still. There will always be a part of him that will want to be alone in the world with the person he cares about. He accepted Yuu's horizons had grown beyond him, but the small and childish side of him still remained, however faint, and it wanted to be Yuu's everything.
He thinks he can feel that want budding, here, too. He knows he has to temper it - even though he doesn't truly mind when Ginger has expressed, in a more piecewise way, the same to him. )
... I don't think my feelings can ever change. ( No caveat. Ginger doesn't even need to stay Ginger. Simply the concept of Ginger is enough. ) So. If you ever have to carry them... just know they're probably all thoughts about you.
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‘…all thoughts about you.’
Ginger breathes in and finds his throat tight, his eyes wet. That’s familiar. What’s new is the words that echo into his heart, a resounding answer to a wish he’s had all his life. It doesn’t sound real, even though he knows Mika only ever says what he means. This is Mika’s words touching his heart so easily and deeply, laying claim to a thing no one else has wanted.
Someone to think of him and love him as much as he loves them. Constantly, always. Today, tomorrow, and the forever after that.
He lies there, overwhelmed, but somehow breathing. Somehow his heart beats. ]
Oh.
[ The sound wet. He curls into Mika, holding him uncomfortably tight as his shoulders start to shake and his tears come quietly. He wants Mika so close that they become one; if they shared one beating heart, then Mika would know the impossible magnitude of his words. How he is so painfully happy right now that his chest feels raw with it. ]
… Is it really alright for me to have that much of your love…?
[ He believes Mika’s willing to give it - but it’s so much. Until now, he’s been eager to accept all the affection coming his way, but in this moment, he’s too happy and he’s terrified of that. (Just like angels who experienced emotions for the first time and were overwhelmed that these feelings were possible.) Is this really happening to Ginger or is this just a dream that will break his heart when he wakes? ]
Mika, I’m too happy. [ He closes his eyes, and still the tears fall, clinging onto his lashes, his cheeks, the edge of his jaw, the strands of Mika’s hair. ] You’re so wonderful. Really? You would think of me that much?
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But Ginger manages more, and then Mika is - uncertain. Ginger is... the most important person to him here; Mika'd been possessed, even, by Ginger's charm - enough to ask him if he might let Mika think of him as family. How could Mika not love him that much? Embarrassing as it is (just a little bit) to phrase it that way, he still knows that he loved them; he had loved the orphans, and he had loved Yuu, with all his heart. And to Mika, this whole-soul devotion is what's natural for family. So Ginger's surprise confuses him.
(Then again, what he feels for Ginger feels a shade deeper than what he's used to feeling, he thinks. Still - family is family, no matter its depth.) )
... Yeah, of course.
( He can't really shift with Ginger holding so tight, so he'll make do - the hands at the back of his neck become arms that wind around his neck to hold him back (if with significantly absent crushing force), a hand brushing through Ginger's hair. )
Why wouldn't I, when you're so important to me? And I— I want you to have it. It's yours, Ginger. It's all for you.
( Thinking of Ginger, caring for him, feels like the least he can do. Giving it to Ginger seems only reasonable - especially when he's already entrusted Ginger with his heart.
Maybe Ginger doesn't truly get the extent of what family means to Mika, and so it surprises him now to hear Mika express it. Sure; that's possible. But some part of him feels - it's more - like it's like - like Ginger doesn't expect to be loved enough. Like he never does. But Ginger has so much love to give; isn't it unfair that he always gives so much and accepts so little? Especially when he wants it this badly? Why hadn't anyone loved him enough before? Mika feels certain he's done so little for Ginger. He hasn't even given Ginger everything he wants, and Ginger won't even let himself have it. The family thing, he thinks, does more for himself than Ginger. Mika's said a few nice things - sure, spoken genuinely, from the remains of his heart - but it's not much. No one's done at least this much for Ginger before? Not even this?
For the first time, he thinks he feels truly, genuinely angry with Rum. )
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He should tell Mika that if he ever changes his mind, he can leave. (No.) That if it’s too much, he doesn’t have to force himself to love Ginger. (He can’t.) That if he wants to stop, Ginger understands. (Don’t. Please, stay mine.) ]
No one has offered so much before. I believe you, but it feels too good to be true all the same.
Because - [ Hope lodges itself painfully
in his throat. ] - it sounds like you want to be mine as much as I want to be yours.
[ Impossible, right? No one would want that knowing the desperate, all-consuming parts of Ginger - and the sexual appetite that struggles to sate itself. Looking at him and seeing an angel, but all he can be is a demon, so he will always disappoint. No one wanted him before knowing, so why does Mika keep offering when he knows nearly everything? He gives so much - too much. Ginger knows he’s holding on too tight, but Mika holds him back - and his hand feels like forgiveness when Ginger hasn’t apologized yet.
The affection - that’s family is his understanding. But the rest… The kissing, the thoughts… Is that family, too? ]
… Can I?
[ Will you?
The sun never rises this hopeful for Ginger and he hasn’t done anything or changed in any great way to deserve this. Is it fair if Ginger accepts the miracle that is Mika’s love, all for him - all his? ]
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He can't conceptualize how he would be. It's not like he can't love Ginger and love Yuu-chan - right? They're not the same. They're both... dear to him - the only family he has left, living (and even then, he's separate from Yuu now, so Ginger's the only one who carries that label who's within reach). But some part of him does pause.
And he considers - maybe - that it must be the same for Ginger. They may say all and everything and yours and mine, but that doesn't dislodge Yuu from Mika's heart, nor Rum from Ginger's. (Unfortunately.) Yuu was never his, to begin with. And Mika—
Mika had so desperately wanted to be Yuu's, but there wasn't space for him.
But Ginger isn't like Yuu. He doesn't have a lot of loves, a lot of friends (though he deserves the world, surely). He's so desperate that Mika wonders (still with some frustration, partly unfair, toward everyone Ginger knows) if he must be the first to offer him affection. Ginger... might still love Rum most, but it's - Rum is a known value. There's still a little space left for Mika, right? (He wonders this, despite all Ginger's insistence.) Mika can give Ginger whatever Yuu-chan doesn't comprise, so he just - just wants a little bit of Ginger in turn. (No: he wants more, but he won't dare.)
Just a little bit of space. Just don't set him aside. Please, just be his starry sky (he took away all the wrong lessons from Solomon, in the end). If that's okay. If this isn't too selfish. If you - really, truly, want this, too, like you say you do, like you seem you do.
Finally: )
... Please.
( Be his; want to be his; want to be with him, for - as long as this lasts. (They talk in eternity, but Mika parses things in decay. Nothing lasts forever. Their time here will end. Ginger will return home, and Mika's heart will...)
But that's okay. Because if Ginger comes out of all this happier than he entered it, then Mika will swallow the coming end knowing he did right by someone, for once.
He turns his lips into Ginger's hair - closer to his ear, close to his skin, but not quite making contact. )
... Because I think I... really do... want to be yours, too.
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[ A little louder, a little stronger.
So the sun rises after all. Mika’s lips so close to his ear feel like a spot of sunlight after the morning’s dew has settled. Warmth over a familiar temperature that is just Mika - Ginger thinks he could love it all his life.
(He has fleeting, fleeting thoughts and snippets of dreams - painfully shameful, all the same - of wanting to know how hot he can make Mika, and how it would feel to - … )
In general loving Mika is an easy thing - it tends to be the rest - the parts adjacent - that’s scary. But… even that is a little easier. With Rum, he was always intensely scared. Even so, that love will never go away - Ginger thinks he’ll forget how to breathe and his heart how to beat before he forgets Rum, who is the shape of his love grown from childhood. But Ginger isn’t Rum’s; he just wants to be.
He knows he won’t forget Mika either, though his love for Mika shifts and changes, like it can’t decide - or just like Ginger, like it wants everything. It hasn’t finished building into something that is Mika-shaped yet. But Mika is someone he can, will love forever.
Right now what probably scares him the most… is Mika’s eternity, which seems to somehow have some sort of end. That’s the sense he’s been getting. And in this end, does the garden flourish, its beauty almost rivaling that of Mika’s smile? In this impossible end, is Mika happy with all the love he’s been given? Would be he happy to know that even if Ginger’s eternity surpasses his, love will be a constant. Love will always be Mika’s, just like Ginger will always be Mika’s.
If any of these answers are no - and if the end of Mika’s eternity stops before… anything…
He rolls them over so they’re face to face, his hold no longer constricting. Mika is his now; he’ll stay. (Right?) Ginger’s red from cry, red from his emotions, red… from Mika’s loveliness. Still, he wants their eyes to meet, to see clearly into each other’s hearts. ]
Can I… promise… to love you for eternity? I want to. [ He lets out a soft, husky laugh - sad and wet because he knows promises are dangerous here. But he can keep this one. ] … I don’t want there to be any doubt. I know you believe me, but I want you to believe… how much I love you.
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Ginger pulls apart from him, but for once, maybe, he doesn't feel so scared - scared like he'd so often been with Yuu, that every slightest parting would be their final one. Mika knows Yuu loved him, but Yuu loved everyone. Yuu was stupid, and reckless, and so dazzingly bright— blinding. Mika would have to shade his blinded eyes and then - Yuu would be gone.
But Ginger wouldn't be. At least, Mika wants to believe Ginger hopes to stay. And though Mika had asked for it, he almost doesn't know what to do with it once he hears it. He's happy. He's happy - he knows that much. Before he died, he remembers he asked the Yuu-chan in his dream - not to leave him behind. And that Yuu had said yes. But that was only a dream. And this is - true? Is it true? And if it's true, could he - keep it safe, this time? Keep safe Ginger's sweet, silly face, red from tears - protect his gentle heart - protect them, connected, together?
Mika meets Ginger's gaze, and his eyes are full of a tentative hope - the sort of look you have when you're gazing at something fragile and precious, so uncertain of how to hold it. A look of affection.
And Ginger asks to promise, and Mika falters. )
... I believe you.
( He believes - he's willing to believe, despite the doubt in his heart, that Ginger loves him right now. And he knows right now, Ginger really believes he could love Mika forever - and that thought alone washes over Mika's heart like a flood. It's so much. It's more than he could ever have hoped for, and this sentiment alone would be something he'd gladly die for. And that childish part of him wants to accept.
But forever is a long time.
But he can't leash Ginger to him into eternity. And he's seen it - in vampires - how forever becomes a shackle. But how does he tell him? Ginger does get a little carried away. He's the one who insists he'll carry pieces of Mika always, always. And that's a lot - but at least he's not bound to it. At least there's chance for him to one day, in the future, set the weight of Mika down, if (when) he needs to move on. And Ginger hadn't liked it when Mika wanted to force him to make room for that chance.
(And— what if— Ginger promises a love too strong? Not on purpose. What if it just happens, in the heat of the moment? Something that suggests a love for Mika that eclipses his love for Rum. That would be a promise immediately broken. What would happen to Ginger then?)
Despite his best efforts, there's hesitation, there's doubt in his gaze. )
... Can you choose me, instead?
( Mika lifts his hands between them, as if asking Ginger to take them. )
Every day. Please just choose me. ( Until you can't. And that'll be okay. ) You'll always have the chance to walk away. But if you don't... isn't that like making a promise, every time we see each other?
( Mika has offered to promise Ginger, because he doesn't mind binding himself. But now that Ginger offers, he can't help but worry - if Ginger promises this, what if every day he stays with him becomes an obligation; the day Mika disappears a relief? That's so scary. He couldn't stand being his yoke, weighing him gradually down. He couldn't live with Ginger's hatred. )
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[ He would’ve chosen Mika anyway, he thinks. So he reaffirms: ]
Okay, it would make me happy to choose you.
[ (…)
( He does wonder why Mika refused the promise. Is it because his eternity ends? Is it because he wants to keep his options open - but that’s fine, isn’t it? Ginger won’t ask him for a promise. Ginger would never be brave enough for that. Is it because he still has doubts? Ginger’s feelings won’t fade, he’s absolutely certain. But besides promising, he doesn’t know any immediately way to assuage any doubts, any fears. All he has to offer is… himself.)
(He may only be half an angel, but he carries their faithfulness. There is no angel in existence tired of their devotion to God; likewise, Ginger could - he would devote himself to Mika. Happily. … Maybe if he weren’t lacking in some way, Mika would have agreed.)
… If he weren’t lacking, Mika wouldn’t have to offer so much and take so little.
His thumbs skim the soft palms of Mika’s hands when he takes hold of them. It’s as if Mika’s saying he knows exactly what kind of possessive - obsessive - creature Ginger is and he’s opening the door to his closeted wants anyway: to choose the person he loves every day and to be with them today; tomorrow; and after that; and the day after that; and the day after that…; after every term for the course of days is exhausted and words no longer matter, then too.
He brings Mika’s hands to his lips, brushing light kisses over every knuckle. ]
I’ll choose you in every way I know how. And… if there’s a way you don’t want, tell me no.
[ Because for Ginger, he doesn’t just hear choose me. He also hears claim me, his inner demon overlapping with Mika’s voice. ‘Can you claim me, instead? Every day. Please just claim me.’
Yes. Yes, he will. Yes, he wants that.
His lips travel from knuckles to Mika’s right palm, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to its center, eyes focused on Mika. Intent enough that he seems one step away from biting his claim. ]
Tell me no when you hate it, and say yes when you love it.
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Yes, the childish part of his heart wants these things Ginger offers - but he knows better than to lend it ear. That part of him is what killed his family. That part of him is what almost took Yuu-chan away from all those humans who... could look after him far better than Mika could. Don't ask for a lot - don't hope for a lot - don't need very much at all. He'll be the temperance between them if Ginger doesn't know when to pump the breaks when it comes to things that might put Ginger at risk. And they'll find a way to manage, somehow. )
... I will. ( Tell him if he likes or dislikes what Ginger does. ) And I'll... choose you too. Every single time.
( In what ways? He's still figuring that out, but he knows he isn't subtle when he has someone to devote himself to.
Still, he can't say what it is, but something about Ginger's lips to his knuckles - lips to his palm - Ginger's eyes clear and fixed on his - warms his cheeks.
Does he want to know if Mika loves this, too? Mika has insisted on his own honesty, and it's something he wants to keep to now. He thinks... Ginger will hear him out, whatever he says. And that makes it easier to speak, where he'd hesitated with Ginger before.
He swallows, fingers curling in light against Ginger's face. )
... Um... I... do like this.
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Being kissed?
[ Here? his lips ask against Mika’s palm, the ending of the question another kiss. Another one at the base of his palm, lips closing over the rounded edge. And here? ]
My love…
[ Mika is his sweetest love. Every small taste of his essence winds Ginger tighter, harder - but he thinks, he thinks it’s fine. He doesn’t need release. He thinks he likes being a step closer to the edge each time, but never tipping - because he’d fall alone. Mika doesn’t experience release, does he? Mika falls in a different way.
No, Ginger would rather - if they could - together. Something… together. Until then -
(He’s watching, waiting. Tell him no. If not… )
A short trail marked by breath to where his pulse should be. His lips open like a bite - like a taste - and catch on skin. ]
I think… I understand - a little - what you mean when you say you like my blood. Should I… kiss you all over from now on? Would you like that?
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There are so, so many people deserving of love - so many people who need it. Mika knows he doesn't deserve this; doesn't deserve - someone calling him their love, with all the affection so heavy in their chest he near mistakes their heart's beat for his own. But he takes this anyway, and this is the amount of selfishness - his childish desire - he'll allow himself.
Because he likes Ginger that much. Because these feelings are enthralling and new. Because Ginger would call him his love, when surely no one else would dare - when Ginger is his...
He exhales soft, breath warm, as Ginger's teeth scrape his skin. But he thinks he... doesn't dislike it. )
... Yeah. I— maybe. I think so.
( There's an expectant spark in his affectionate gaze, even as he funbles through all this. This is so new to him, and he's self-conscious, but he's... excited? Like a teen locked in a closet for seven minutes in heaven for the first time, even if this is nowhere near as much.
He's unsure, yes, but he kind of wants to find out. )
... But if you spend too long on it... I won't get to...
( His voice drops to a mumble, the ending sounding like "kiss you too," )
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He’s so greedy for love; like a man parched of it and Mika is his oasis. His love, his love.
He pulls his lips away but keeps his face cradled in Mika’s gentle palm where he could place his heart - and it would be safer than where it is now, in his chest. When he was a child, he’d learned that angels born from God’s breath had done this with Him, grasping His hand like it was their everything, falling asleep as though touching Him soothed their very souls. Maybe it’s instinct from that; maybe that’s why he’s just a little obsessed with Mika’s hands.
(And his mouth, and his cheeks, and his eyes.) ]
Mm… you can. Kiss me where you want.
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... Just looking at you is more than enough.
( So the rest of this is indulgence of the highest order. If he had to list out his sins, there would probably be these, and he hadn't even done anything yet - though he brings his face close; tentatively closer. Where does he begin - and where should he end, if he isn't sure he even wants to?
The first kiss comes, finally, to Ginger's hair - pressing it to his head carefully, like he doesn't want Ginger to miss it. He brushes his other hand through Ginger's fringes, so, without lifting his lips much at all, he can sink down and press a kiss to his temple; then, just beside his eye.
The way he feeds and teeths and kisses at a wound - is carnal, and needy; but this is flustered and unsure and lingering and thoughtful, like he's saying something that's hard to say, embarrassing to say, but that he really means, that he really wants to choose his words carefully for.
Mumbling, still, but audible enough: )
... I'm thinking about all the parts of you I like.
( Ginger's soft hair, the way Ginger thinks so much of him, the way his eyes shine so bright when he smiles... even Mika thinks it's a bit corny - but he has to structure this somehow, or he'll end up thinking way too much about this. )
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(Does Mika have a favorite? He wouldn’t like Ginger wondering that… but anyone would want to be their best self for the person they love. ) ]
… You’re so cute. Mika.
[ Mika. Mine, my love, love you.
He likes this a lot. Mika manages to be so unbelievably charming when he’s a little clumsy with his feelings, but so earnest, so cute. From the top of his head to the tip of his toes, he endears himself to Ginger’s heart. Again and again.
Giving Mika time to think and decide also lets Ginger reflect - he thinks he might be - … in lust, somewhat, with a lot of love to amplify the feeling. His body says at least that much, gently throbbing under the kisses. But gazing at the other now, he feels the stirrings of - that maybe he’s one step from - or he could already be a little in lo-…. ]
… Is it more than the parts of you I like?
[ The yet undiscovered parts of Mika are his, too, so he’ll love them, he’s sure. It’s just a matter of how? When? ]
I don’t know if… just now… is enough. Should we do this all night? [ Love into the morning light. ] Let’s kiss all night.
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Still - a whole night's worth of love? There's no way Ginger can have that much love for him - and what if Mika falls short, disappoints him?
But Ginger just looks so... happy, expectant - Mika falters in his own hesitation. How can he tell him no when Ginger is so eager, so easy to adore? And maybe that's what he likes about Ginger, too. That he's so much, that sometimes it's enough to make even Mika look past his trepidation, and certainty of failure. )
... There's so many parts of you I like, a whole night won't be enough to get through it all. But... we can try.
( Big words, but playful words, mostly - the sort of teasing he doesn't do so much with anyone these days, but Ginger.
But breaking into ease like this does - help him notice something his senses have long since picked up, that he's just not been paying attention to because he's been thinking so hard about all these new dimensions of intimacy and touch.
He strokes the side of Ginger's face... )
... Will you be okay? ( Face still close, expression wreathed in affection and concern. ) ... Do you want me to ignore it?
( He doesn't know how he feels about that, but the question is sincere. He wants... to know about Ginger's comfort first - before elbowing in with his own mislaid thoughts that may be nowhere near close to the mark of what Ginger really needs, like he did last time. )
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A whole night to start?
[ … is what he teases back with, light and cheeky.
And it’s cute, it’s fun - but there is the elephant in the room (approx, relative) which was going to be brought up sooner or later. No one ever ignores that. Ginger keeps his smile as it gentles into something quieter. ]
I’m okay. I can ignore it tonight, mostly. I won’t lie and say - I - I’ve never imagined your touch. [ Or more, always brief, shameful flashes. ] It’s important to me that…. I never make you uncomfortable with it. You shouldn’t be made for feel… like you have to do anything about it. So you can ignore it.
Tonight is… already a lot for you, isn’t it?
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... A whole night to start.
( Hehe,
As for the rest... He's imagined it??? That's surprising - is it flattering? He thinks it's probably a good thing, from Ginger. Especially considering he's so sentimental about who he does it with...
In thinking that, he realizes - maybe it's just his imagination? - that Ginger seems a lot less closed off about the possibility of trying it, with Mika. He thinks, anyway, and if his heart had pulse, he thinks it'd skip a beat.
... )
... It is a lot.
( He'll agree. Because he thinks Ginger does want to hear how he really feels, and he feels a lot. He lifts his hand at Ginger's cheek to run it through his hair, brushing back his hair from his eyes. )
... But I also want to think about it, too. Um— not because I think I have to, or anything. ( As much as he worries about Ginger dealing with it potentially all night. Do either of them need to sleep? ) The last time we talked about it, I thought about... how I'd really rather you do this kind of thing with someone that... You know— that it'd make you happy to...
( you know...!!!
Ginger's happiness is tantamount. If convenience would make him unhappy, then... Mika is torn on whether he'd really want Ginger to do it. But he thinks he wouldn't. Not for something so intimate, something that could be so upsetting. )
... But, um, like... I really do like kissing you. And I think I do want to... try a lot more things with you. Things I haven't done before. So... if it's fine... I'll think about it... I want to. For eventually. As long as you don't mind waiting. And only as long as you'd... like to, too.
( Going from chaste kissing to sex might be a bit ambitious, but he'd like to figure out... all the steps in between with Ginger, if Ginger's willing to try it all with him. )
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It helps more than Mika probably realizes that he seems to accept Ginger as he is. Even when Ginger had made him frown, had frustrated him some, there was still affection - a willingness to stay by Ginger. There was… love.
And it had been a lesson: don’t act like he’s listening to Mika if he’s not going to actually listen. Good intentions aside, it doesn’t count if he isn’t seriously considering Mika’s opinions. Mika is leagues smarter than Ginger. ]
I’ll wait. [ He leans in, catching his lips for another kiss, another reminder that love is offered freely. ] I’ll be okay with never, too. But eventually sounds… exciting… if it’s with you.
I want to peel you back and see all of you, so there’s more for me to discover and love. If - that makes sense?
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he really, really likes him, he thinks. Not because Ginger likes him so much - but because Ginger is made of love, as Mika suspected, and he - he thinks that ... if Ginger would call Mika his love, Ginger must be... )
... My heart.
( Half said like a thought said aloud, slipped from his lips like a murmured daydream, without real and proper context. )
... I think you'll find it, if you'll dig deep enough down. And I... think I want to let you.
( Peel back the layers, if you want; find where he's vulnerable and sick, and he will hope Ginger loves these things, too. Because surely, he couldn't have such vibrant emotion without Ginger, and if feeling is what Ginger wants to find, he'll find his handiwork there.
He just hopes... Ginger will like all the things that he sees - the things he's affected in Mika, mixed in with the traces of the other people who have touched him. He could worry over it later; right now, he's a little on cloud nine, a little bit intoxicated on this shade of feeling Ginger provokes in him, in itself exciting and new. Family, but more? Or... maybe something - a little different... he thinks. )