[While he does tense slightly at the sudden digging of nails, he relaxes again soon after once he realizes it won't get any deeper. The pats on the head never stop, and he listens to Mika's story to the very end.
...]
I guess by that logic... I'm the one who killed Mizuki, too.
I trusted in the adults who said I could save her... but in the end, I left her to die alone. The one thing she was afraid of, and I wasn't even there for her.
[He doesn't believe what he's saying, not really; but he did, once, and it reflects in the tone.]
The answer to this should be obvious - maybe less obvious while sick - but he just... can't seem to parse who else there is to blame but yourself - and no one has tried to steer him otherwise, back home. (Not by the point he came here, anyway.) )
( A vaguely thoughtful sound, though the amount of thought behind it is debatable. It's not disapproving, at least - he has never found himself totally out of alignment with Ahito's perspective on revenge. )
... Then maybe I should kill every human and vampire back home. ( He shifts, getting a little more comfortable against him, face less disappeared into the pillow. ) ... Already got started on humans. Researchers.
( Hard to tell if sick rambling or a joke founded on reality. But it is true: researchers, and all their soldiers, and all the innocents kept on hand in their communities - their pool of subjects in the wings, when they needed more. Though, innocents were typically taken as livestock, instead of killed.
It's coincidental, though. He was acting under orders; not pursuing revenge. Most of them just happened to deserve it. )
( u punish miette unfairly...? jail!! jail for ahito!!!
He turns his face up, his air a little sullen as he tries to parse what Ahito says. )
... Ferid?
( his hemd patt........... )
... I don't like him. ( Irrelevant to Ahito's statement, but it must be said. Screw that guy. ) But I should've known better— trusting him was... so stupid. He'd always tell me, too...
( yayy being tormented by the guy who tricked you, everyone's favorite activity )
( ughhh he can sense that answer was somehow not the correct one... the headpats are back, but is this truly a victory :/ )
... Every time... I love someone, they just get hurt—... Even if I said Ferid did one thing... It's just a pattern.
( The common factor in all his failed relationships, himself, etc. )
... And then it's going to happen again. I have to focus on the things I can change, before...
( But considering this keeps happening to him... he clearly hasn't managed to figure what about himself he needs to fix to protect the people he cares for.
In some weird way, blaming himself makes him think maybe there is something he can change about himself to protect the people he loves next time - he just needs to find it. Even if he's destroying himself in the process. )
I hate to say it, but... I think your problem might be trying to simplify things too much? If you always assume it's your fault, you're gonna miss all the times someone else made problems for you. And if you keep talking about how all of humanity's better off dead or all of humanity sucks, the other humans you don't want dead are going to think you're talking about them, so they won't help you either.
( "they're going to think you're talking about them"... why does this sound familiar...
He's quiet for a time, the thoughts slow-churning in his head. )
... Isn't that like accepting I can't change anything...?
( The question, at least, is sincere. These answers are the easiest to turn to - try to change the one thing he does have control over - himself - or turn a cold shoulder to the things he can't control - other people - to keep from getting hurt again.
Without those things, what is there? Resigning to ... the fact that he can't do anything to save the people he loves? )
It just means you aren't wasting time beating yourself up for stuff other people did so you can actually focus on doing stuff that will actually change things. It's not like you can control everything that happens - especially if other people decide to cause problems.
It's hard to accept, and a part of him doesn't, but in this moment when he has none of his usual defenses up - Mika's eyes seem slightly wet... this is your problem now Ahito, )
[He actually does return the hug, still petting Mika's hair. It really does feel like he's comforting a little kid, but maybe for this moment, Mika kind of is one - able to actually let his guard down and dig up those feelings from the past.]
Mm. I'm sure you do.
If... you have a loving family like that... It's only natural you'd miss them.
[It's not something he'd normally think of as relatable, but if he considers the people he'd found and now looks after himself...
...Well, maybe it's not such an unfamiliar feeling after all.]
( The touch makes it easier; it doesn't stop the tears, but it's ... soothing, is perhaps the word. It reminds him of being a kid, in a positive way - when the orphans would all pile onto each other when one of them were having a bad day.
His breathing evens slightly, even if his eyes are still kind of wet. )
... They were all little. But they were really kind. They all came from... we all came from... places that didn't want us. But every kid accepted every new kid with a lot of love.
( Places that were hostile to them; places they couldn't breathe. But ... yeah, that's right - they were all good kids, weren't they? A little like... the girl Ahito'd mentioned.
He'd forgotten, in the abstract sound of their screams, in their ripped-up bodies, in the vivid image of the knife in his hands. )
... I was the oldest one. I decided... I'd protect them. But...
( ... we return back to how responsible he felt for being the one to get them out, and for parading them to their deaths; how angry he felt, when he'd found out they'd all been subject to experiments, and he had no idea what was happening to Yuu-chan - all the children - even before the world had ended. He had failed to protect them in every respect. )
[Because that's squarely where the blame lies, and Ahito's not about to say anything that might suggest otherwise.]
But in all the time before he decided to kill them for fun... You did protect them, didn't you? Getting them the food and the toys, comforting them when they cried...
It sounds like you did a good job already to me. But... a kid's no match for a vampire.
[How many times did Mika himself try to make that clear to Ahito?]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
...]
I guess by that logic... I'm the one who killed Mizuki, too.
I trusted in the adults who said I could save her... but in the end, I left her to die alone. The one thing she was afraid of, and I wasn't even there for her.
[He doesn't believe what he's saying, not really; but he did, once, and it reflects in the tone.]
no subject
... Maybe. ( He can't dissect the nuances of Ahito's tone, exactly, but... ) ... Do you still carry her weight?
( He does, with the orphans. He's never once set it down. )
no subject
The Mizuki I knew and cared for... the Mizuki I spent all that time with...
Thinking of her cursing me for being unable to save her would be like spitting on her memory.
[Though it took him a long time to realize as much.]
no subject
... What were the orphans like, again...? )
... Then who do you...?
( blame, if not yourself?
The answer to this should be obvious - maybe less obvious while sick - but he just... can't seem to parse who else there is to blame but yourself - and no one has tried to steer him otherwise, back home. (Not by the point he came here, anyway.) )
no subject
They were just using us from the start. ...That's why I have to find them and put a stop to them for good.
So no one ends up the way we did.
no subject
( A vaguely thoughtful sound, though the amount of thought behind it is debatable. It's not disapproving, at least - he has never found himself totally out of alignment with Ahito's perspective on revenge. )
... Then maybe I should kill every human and vampire back home. ( He shifts, getting a little more comfortable against him, face less disappeared into the pillow. ) ... Already got started on humans. Researchers.
( Hard to tell if sick rambling or a joke founded on reality. But it is true: researchers, and all their soldiers, and all the innocents kept on hand in their communities - their pool of subjects in the wings, when they needed more. Though, innocents were typically taken as livestock, instead of killed.
It's coincidental, though. He was acting under orders; not pursuing revenge. Most of them just happened to deserve it. )
no subject
Has every single human and vampire personally wronged you? We were talking about your family, remember?
The one who killed them wasn't you, and it wasn't the rest of the world. It was the vampire who tricked you into thinking you had an escape route.
no subject
He turns his face up, his air a little sullen as he tries to parse what Ahito says. )
... Ferid?
( his hemd patt........... )
... I don't like him. ( Irrelevant to Ahito's statement, but it must be said. Screw that guy. ) But I should've known better— trusting him was... so stupid. He'd always tell me, too...
( yayy being tormented by the guy who tricked you, everyone's favorite activity )
no subject
[Mika................................]
no subject
( Mumbling, uneasy... )
... 'm not going to get better like that...
no subject
no subject
... I don't... trust people...
( positive.............? )
no subject
[Headpats resume, but only after he roughly ruffles Mika's hair in disappointment.]
I don't know what's worse: you blaming yourself, or blaming literally everyone else instead of the one guy that actually did it.
no subject
... Every time... I love someone, they just get hurt—... Even if I said Ferid did one thing... It's just a pattern.
( The common factor in all his failed relationships, himself, etc. )
... And then it's going to happen again. I have to focus on the things I can change, before...
( But considering this keeps happening to him... he clearly hasn't managed to figure what about himself he needs to fix to protect the people he cares for.
In some weird way, blaming himself makes him think maybe there is something he can change about himself to protect the people he loves next time - he just needs to find it. Even if he's destroying himself in the process. )
no subject
And I don't think killing all the humans and vampires is going to make you any happier, either. Unless you really want to see me dead that badly?
[As an icky human and all.]
no subject
... No...
no subject
I hate to say it, but... I think your problem might be trying to simplify things too much? If you always assume it's your fault, you're gonna miss all the times someone else made problems for you. And if you keep talking about how all of humanity's better off dead or all of humanity sucks, the other humans you don't want dead are going to think you're talking about them, so they won't help you either.
no subject
He's quiet for a time, the thoughts slow-churning in his head. )
... Isn't that like accepting I can't change anything...?
( The question, at least, is sincere. These answers are the easiest to turn to - try to change the one thing he does have control over - himself - or turn a cold shoulder to the things he can't control - other people - to keep from getting hurt again.
Without those things, what is there? Resigning to ... the fact that he can't do anything to save the people he loves? )
no subject
It just means you aren't wasting time beating yourself up for stuff other people did so you can actually focus on doing stuff that will actually change things. It's not like you can control everything that happens - especially if other people decide to cause problems.
no subject
It's hard to accept, and a part of him doesn't, but in this moment when he has none of his usual defenses up - Mika's eyes seem slightly wet... this is your problem now Ahito, )
... Are you really sure... it isn't my fault...?
no subject
...]
Of course I'm sure.
Your family's deaths aren't on your hands.
[And if Mika decides this means he needs to cling a little tighter, a little longer, well... he can stick around for that, too.]
no subject
Quietly: )
... I miss them.
( And he does - wrap his arms tighter around Ahito, Ahito's hair getting wet. )
I miss them a lot.
no subject
Mm. I'm sure you do.
If... you have a loving family like that... It's only natural you'd miss them.
[It's not something he'd normally think of as relatable, but if he considers the people he'd found and now looks after himself...
...Well, maybe it's not such an unfamiliar feeling after all.]
no subject
His breathing evens slightly, even if his eyes are still kind of wet. )
... They were all little. But they were really kind. They all came from... we all came from... places that didn't want us. But every kid accepted every new kid with a lot of love.
( Places that were hostile to them; places they couldn't breathe. But ... yeah, that's right - they were all good kids, weren't they? A little like... the girl Ahito'd mentioned.
He'd forgotten, in the abstract sound of their screams, in their ripped-up bodies, in the vivid image of the knife in his hands. )
... I was the oldest one. I decided... I'd protect them. But...
( ... we return back to how responsible he felt for being the one to get them out, and for parading them to their deaths; how angry he felt, when he'd found out they'd all been subject to experiments, and he had no idea what was happening to Yuu-chan - all the children - even before the world had ended. He had failed to protect them in every respect. )
no subject
[Because that's squarely where the blame lies, and Ahito's not about to say anything that might suggest otherwise.]
But in all the time before he decided to kill them for fun... You did protect them, didn't you? Getting them the food and the toys, comforting them when they cried...
It sounds like you did a good job already to me. But... a kid's no match for a vampire.
[How many times did Mika himself try to make that clear to Ahito?]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)