... I don't know. It doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I need someone to hurt me. To yell at me for all the things I've done wrong and tell me how ugly I am. But...
( His head... sinks between his knees, his fingers running through his hair. )
Dangerous, at times, and not always at fault of your own. Stubborn. Maybe gloomy.
But not terrible.
[...]
If someone truly did that, and still forgave you, do you think you would believe it? Or would it just be further proof for your punishment to continue?
[Because he sincerely doesn't know if what Mika wants is actually forgiveness. Would he know it if it came to him? Would he even be willing to take it?]
... Probably. But I'd thank them... if they forgave me. If they punished me more.
( He... falls quiet, then. Thinking about what Solomon's said; thinking about... )
... But I feel a little better with Ginger.
( Is this healthy? Arguably. Arguably not. Ginger's easy to drown in. It's easy to forget about himself. He still feels guilty, but Ginger is a lot - more overwhelming than his own thoughts are, sometimes.
... Ginger would never do anything bad to me. ( Drain him dry, or whatever else. ) Don't say that. And don't say "despite." He is a kind person. If mean his heritage, you don't know what you're talking about.
Okay, so Solomon knows stuff, too. He wonders if Solomon is on Ginger's list of friends... )
... Is there a way to help him feel better? I try to think about it like my situation, but there's no fixing how I feel about me. But I want to help him.
( He says this without thinking twice about the hypocrisy of the sentiment, )
( He won't respond to the first thing Solomon says just yet, because - he doesn't want to believe there's nothing he can do for Ginger. But such is Mika's constant struggle - not being able to control Ginger's life (for the better) - and what Solomon's trying to tell him to ease off of. )
( Okay, this clearly takes Mika a second - demons are linked to vampires, but pacts - rather, contracts - are a human invention, because humans are insane. His brows furrow, like the term is familiar, and then...
Quicker than the human eye can track, he grabs Solomon by the collar. It's not an action that suggests impending violence - Solomon said he only offered, not that he completed it - however, it is very irate. )
Did you try to bind him? Was this a contract, human?
( Look what happens, he thinks a human is decent for three seconds and look what they do!!!!!!! )
[Yeah he should have expected this much. Unlike the previous escalation, Solomon shows no sign of threat here, sighing gently as he stays pliant under Mika's grip.]
He's fine, Mika. Nothing happened.
We discussed it briefly, and yes, I would have offered if our situation was different. But he wasn't interested. I don't have the power I normally would to guarantee it would even work on a nephilim.
... Never ever try that with him. No matter how circumstances change.
( Whether Solomon regains his own powers, or promises suddenly become legal. He doesn't care about the caveat that it has to be mutual, either: Ginger can be sensitive, and Solomon is very steady - he can imagine easily a future where Solomon catches him at just the right time. )
I will kill you. Without hesitation. Is that clear?
[Ah boy, this is like Lucifer with his brothers all over again.
He raises a brow, still clearly not threatened.]
That is between Ginger and I, Mika. Again, he has made it very obvious that he wants nothing to do with me in that regard.
If you're concerned that I'm lying, then speak with him about your worries. But I have no intention of making that kind of vow in our current circumstances. I'm not a fool.
No. I didn't think you would at all. That isn't why I brought it up.
[Thus why he is still calm, even as he adjusts his seating with an uncomfortable roll of his shoulders at the inhuman shove he just took. Oof ouch his bones.]
I told you the only things I could offer were not things he could take lightly. And I have no intention of lying to you about what those things are, given what you already know about Ginger.
I expect you to trust him to make the best decision for himself. I am not asking you to trust me. But this is not something I could ever force on him, even if promises were safe and my power was as it should be.
( While what Solomon says isn't wrong in theory... In practice, Mika struggles to believe it. )
People make decisions that are bad for them all the time. ( He says this strongly. ) Yuu-chan did, too. You want to know how I died? It's because this bastard Yuu-chan knew was traitorous and shady betrayed him again and was hunting him down to skewer him and strap him to an operation table for more inhumane tests.
( He nearly spits these words out - he really fucking hates Guren. But... he hates himself too. Because everything that happened with Guren - in Mika's eyes - was his fault. )
I had every chance to kill Guren, but I chose to trust Yuu-chan's right to trust who he wanted to trust. That things ended up as bad as they did is because I didn't look at his stupid choices and make the right one for him.
[The change is subtle. Not in tone or expression, but in the way his heart constricts, the way his pulse quickens in response in an uneven timber. Something, some part of this, deeply upsets him.
But his composure does not shift.]
But to care for someone is to let them make choices on their own, and be brave enough to tell them if you think those choices are wrong.
Trapping them in choices of your own making is no different than binding them to a contract against their will. There is a time and place for both.
( The shift surprises him; he hadn't thought this would even matter to Solomon - not to someone so insistent in trusting that the world is beyond control, and that others should choose as they please, no matter how foolish.
He suspects there's a cause greater than the surface of what's being said - but what it is, if he's even parsing his reaction right, he isn't certain what it could be.
... )
... And if they insist on making those choices anyway? Then what? You just watch them hurt themselves, and you throw up your hands and say, "Oh, well"? I can't accept that. You have to be able to do something.
You accept what has happened. You meet them wherever they are, if you're still willing. And if they feel they have made a mistake, you do what you can to support them.
[You hope that this mistake isn't the last one, and that you can somehow help them make it through to another one. You shift the scenario in your head every night, picking it apart and yourself along with it, even though it solves nothing.
...]
Just speak with him, Mika. Hear his thoughts for yourself. Not from me.
( Mika doesn't seem happy - he doesn't seem happy at all. But... it's true that being irate with Solomon won't solve anything - he can either speak to Ginger, or kill Solomon here.
... )
... Is that what you did? Talk to whoever it is you're thinking about?
( This is just a blind guess. But he'll make it. )
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no subject
No price you pay will bring any peace for how low you place yourself.
It doesn't take a keen eye to see that you're miserable, Mika. You've already had enough taken. And you're looking death in the face every moment.
Isn't this punishment enough?
[Why does he think he could possibly need more?]
cw: effectively fantasizing about flagellation
( His head... sinks between his knees, his fingers running through his hair. )
... Then I want them to forgive me.
( He wants them to love him.
... )
I'm terrible.
no subject
Dangerous, at times, and not always at fault of your own. Stubborn. Maybe gloomy.
But not terrible.
[...]
If someone truly did that, and still forgave you, do you think you would believe it? Or would it just be further proof for your punishment to continue?
[Because he sincerely doesn't know if what Mika wants is actually forgiveness. Would he know it if it came to him? Would he even be willing to take it?]
no subject
... I don't know.
( ... An exhale. And then, more wryly: )
... Probably. But I'd thank them... if they forgave me. If they punished me more.
( He... falls quiet, then. Thinking about what Solomon's said; thinking about... )
... But I feel a little better with Ginger.
( Is this healthy? Arguably. Arguably not. Ginger's easy to drown in. It's easy to forget about himself. He still feels guilty, but Ginger is a lot - more overwhelming than his own thoughts are, sometimes.
Whether blood or a bottle, maybe that's enough. )
no subject
So long as you're being careful. Ginger is a very kind soul despite what he struggles with, and he cares about your well being very much.
I just worry that the two of you might drain each other dry in your attempts to protect each other. You're both very similar, in that regard.
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... Ginger would never do anything bad to me. ( Drain him dry, or whatever else. ) Don't say that. And don't say "despite." He is a kind person. If mean his heritage, you don't know what you're talking about.
no subject
I didn't say he wasn't kind, Mika.
I just know, very well, that the struggle he faces is a very hard one, even for full-blooded demons. Just like you struggle with your own state now.
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Okay, so Solomon knows stuff, too. He wonders if Solomon is on Ginger's list of friends... )
... Is there a way to help him feel better? I try to think about it like my situation, but there's no fixing how I feel about me. But I want to help him.
( He says this without thinking twice about the hypocrisy of the sentiment, )
no subject
[The similarities are striking. One just exists on a much more emotional plane than the other, in Solomon's eyes.]
I don't know. His realm of life is more familiar to me than yours. But the only things I could offer him are not things he would take lightly.
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... Like what?
( He won't respond to the first thing Solomon says just yet, because - he doesn't want to believe there's nothing he can do for Ginger. But such is Mika's constant struggle - not being able to control Ginger's life (for the better) - and what Solomon's trying to tell him to ease off of. )
no subject
A pact.
[He won't explain just yet. Mika has mentioned demons, after all. Does this ring for him like it did for Ginger?]
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Quicker than the human eye can track, he grabs Solomon by the collar. It's not an action that suggests impending violence - Solomon said he only offered, not that he completed it - however, it is very irate. )
Did you try to bind him? Was this a contract, human?
( Look what happens, he thinks a human is decent for three seconds and look what they do!!!!!!! )
no subject
He's fine, Mika. Nothing happened.
We discussed it briefly, and yes, I would have offered if our situation was different. But he wasn't interested. I don't have the power I normally would to guarantee it would even work on a nephilim.
And more importantly, a pact has to be mutual.
[As in, it has to be a promise, both ways.
And he knows Mika knows what that would mean.]
Now please let go of me.
no subject
His grip grows tighter. )
... Never ever try that with him. No matter how circumstances change.
( Whether Solomon regains his own powers, or promises suddenly become legal. He doesn't care about the caveat that it has to be mutual, either: Ginger can be sensitive, and Solomon is very steady - he can imagine easily a future where Solomon catches him at just the right time. )
I will kill you. Without hesitation. Is that clear?
no subject
He raises a brow, still clearly not threatened.]
That is between Ginger and I, Mika. Again, he has made it very obvious that he wants nothing to do with me in that regard.
If you're concerned that I'm lying, then speak with him about your worries. But I have no intention of making that kind of vow in our current circumstances. I'm not a fool.
no subject
( Emphasizing that again!! But he's made his point, so he will let go, roughly. )
Don't listen to me talk about wanting to help him and then think I'll be happy hearing you want to bind him. Did you really think I'd be supportive?
( The irony of Mika later becoming a contracted demon who's much happier than he is now is unknown to him, but very real. )
no subject
[Thus why he is still calm, even as he adjusts his seating with an uncomfortable roll of his shoulders at the inhuman shove he just took. Oof ouch his bones.]
I told you the only things I could offer were not things he could take lightly. And I have no intention of lying to you about what those things are, given what you already know about Ginger.
I expect you to trust him to make the best decision for himself. I am not asking you to trust me. But this is not something I could ever force on him, even if promises were safe and my power was as it should be.
no subject
People make decisions that are bad for them all the time. ( He says this strongly. ) Yuu-chan did, too. You want to know how I died? It's because this bastard Yuu-chan knew was traitorous and shady betrayed him again and was hunting him down to skewer him and strap him to an operation table for more inhumane tests.
( He nearly spits these words out - he really fucking hates Guren. But... he hates himself too. Because everything that happened with Guren - in Mika's eyes - was his fault. )
I had every chance to kill Guren, but I chose to trust Yuu-chan's right to trust who he wanted to trust. That things ended up as bad as they did is because I didn't look at his stupid choices and make the right one for him.
no subject
I'm aware.
[The change is subtle. Not in tone or expression, but in the way his heart constricts, the way his pulse quickens in response in an uneven timber. Something, some part of this, deeply upsets him.
But his composure does not shift.]
But to care for someone is to let them make choices on their own, and be brave enough to tell them if you think those choices are wrong.
Trapping them in choices of your own making is no different than binding them to a contract against their will. There is a time and place for both.
no subject
He suspects there's a cause greater than the surface of what's being said - but what it is, if he's even parsing his reaction right, he isn't certain what it could be.
... )
... And if they insist on making those choices anyway? Then what? You just watch them hurt themselves, and you throw up your hands and say, "Oh, well"? I can't accept that. You have to be able to do something.
no subject
You accept what has happened. You meet them wherever they are, if you're still willing. And if they feel they have made a mistake, you do what you can to support them.
[You hope that this mistake isn't the last one, and that you can somehow help them make it through to another one. You shift the scenario in your head every night, picking it apart and yourself along with it, even though it solves nothing.
...]
Just speak with him, Mika. Hear his thoughts for yourself. Not from me.
no subject
... )
... Is that what you did? Talk to whoever it is you're thinking about?
( This is just a blind guess. But he'll make it. )
no subject
...
He lets out an exhale, his smile worn and tired.]
I did while I could, yes.
no subject
... Are they gone?
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I don't know.
But I have to be okay with not knowing for now. There is only so much I can do.
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