( It seems it's entirely possible, and now he's going to have to scavenge for the glasses to check (but he won't find them; thanks, Cid). He still struggles with magic some thanks to the state of his heart, so he didn't think to exert the effort into scanning them...
He purses his lips slightly, at the pat leg - not upset, just... frustrated with everything. )
... It's not like I'm even supposed to be around anymore.
( His gaze falls to the sheets. )
If I die, that's just things going back to how they're supposed to be.
[ Ah-ha... Suddenly, things make a lot more sense.
Tatara takes off his sage hat (figuratively) and his demeanor shifts, just slightly. ]
You're not the only one.
[ In the dim, he gives a strained, little smile. ]
But you're alive here, and now. You may not agree with me, but I think that's worth something. As far as I'm concerned, you are supposed to be here. You are an important part of this group. If something happened to you, we'd have to start all over again.
[ He doesn't understand what it's like to yearn so strongly for death... Tatara? He's just waiting.
He pats Mika's foot lump in the blankets again. ]
I don't know how long we're in this for, but just hang on in the meanwhile, okay?
What Tatara says earns a reaction from Mika, though subtle - he glances to him suddenly and holds his gaze there, unsure, at first, how to feel. That there are people who relate to his experience across his strangest dimensions is - discomfiting, to him. Still something he's getting used to.
It glances across the room, toward nothing in particular. )
... It's cowardly, but I... was a little relieved when I went. I didn't have to feel bad anymore. I didn't have to worry about the future.
( Maybe Tatara would get it, maybe he wouldn't - but at least he would be speaking from a close enough vantage point.
Living is really hard, when you're as tender-hearted as Mika can be - all emotion with no outlet for expression. Losing all his feelings, in some way, would have been a proper mercy.
But now he's here, expected to live among others, expected to operate in a group. And he doesn't trust himself to operate in one well - look at the trouble he's gotten himself into so far. )
... I can't think of any reason I'd be good for this group, or important for them. Maybe you're settling into things well, but... I don't know how.
Tatara leans forward, propping his chin on his palm. He isn't looking at Mika like this, but he feels like he needs to give Mika some space, and not make too much eye contact. ]
Relief... I guess I could see that.
[ Tatara had said goodbye, and was satisfied.
There's a pause before he speaks again: ]
I wish I could tell you the exact reasons why you were chosen, or claimed by the spirits that did. But I think that you were should say enough. Maybe...we just haven't figured out what those are yet.
[ Did he settle in well? He isn't sure. He feels like he's just playing with toys in his waiting room.
He smiles, even if he isn't sure Mika can see it. ]
I've just been here a little longer than you, that's all. I don't know if I'm settling in or even doing my job well. But I know... [ Is it bad of him to say this? ] We won't be here forever, I don't think. Can you just hang on until then?
[ The implication is there: Mika's desired end will come to him, he just has to wait. ]
( Mika is quiet for a time, but... finally, he nods. He can accept that, he thinks. Let the spirits have their mysteries; he just had to a little bit longer, and he could return to his cowardly end - free from his guilt, free from the pain; abandoned Yuu, and left him only vaguely safe; abandoned...
[ There comes a light little laugh. Maybe not the reaction Mika's expecting, but it's one fitting someone whose entire life has been dedicated to floating, untethered. ]
I'm not sure if I can live in a world without my king.
[ Said casually, like the shop he's in doesn't have the brand of laundry detergent he likes. Like he'll just leave, and go somewhere else. ]
[ He sighs and smiles, and there's that comfortable, familiar warmth in his chest. ]
He was the greatest person I knew. I don't think I'd ever met anyone so naturally majestic... I just wished I could have dedicated everything I was to him.
( Those words may not match Yuu beat for beat, but the sentiment does; the warmth in his tone, the comfort in his bones.
The sense of something missing, of missing him.
(secret east skill: 1000 mirror projection no jutsu) )
... I wouldn't be so patient if I had someone like that to go back to.
( Well, Mika is logical - in truth: if playing Sage were his only way back, then he probably would resign to the position too, if it meant going back to Yuu. But in this moment? He can't fathom it. He can't imagine wasting a single second away from Yuu after he'd finally found him again.
But... that's all he has now - time away from him. )
[ There's too many questions surrounding his survival, how he'll get back... Tatara just assumes he can't, or he'll die anyway when he gets there. It's nice to hear from Mika, though, that he has some faith in his ability to get back.
Here, they differ in perspective. Tatara turns his attention back to Mika, eyes soft in the dim. ]
... Because he has other people more important than me now.
( His fingers curl slight into the blankets around them. )
... And... I think that's how it should be. ( It's not how he wants it to be, though. There's the faintest remnants of strife in his voice. ) ... When I died as a human - when I was made a vampire... that was when he chose to live a life without me. Because you need to let go of the dead. Because... the dead can't.
( Look at the both of them, still clinging. The Granvelle Ghost, too, will probably become another example of this in Mika's mind, once it comes around.
Until then, though, it's just them, and their memories, in this quiet room. )
[ At that, Tatara mysteriously smiles. Not that he smiles in a mysterious manner, but that the cause for his smile remains a mystery.
Mika is talking about being left behind. But Tatara in his life adrift, has never for a second wondered about things like that. Maybe it's nice to live life like the wind, untethered but constant, choosing to envelop the people he chooses and not particularly caring if they miss him or not. ]
Maybe. But even so, he might keep you and your memory in a special place in his heart. People aren't easy to replace. He might've been happier in only a unique way you could've given him when you were around. He might miss you more than you realize. He might not.
[ He knows that someone who worries so intensely, who assigns concrete values to the unknown, isn't someone he's going to get through to easily. It's all conjecture at this point, so he shrugs. ]
But there's no way to know for certain. At least... [ He looks away again, eyes falling shut, like a cat enjoying the warm sunshine through a window. ] All I can really do is hope that our time together meant something. And that he's proud of me.
[ He doesn't know that his dearest king would then go on a suicide mission to avenge his death, threatening to take greater Tokyo with him.
( Though there's maybe no magic word to get Mika to learn how to relax his grip on his fear, the even way in which Tatara addresses it, at least, does seem to reach him. It's a perspective that is neither certain of the good or bad, but suggests an understanding of both without being uncertain. It's a little like how Jing Yuan talks, in a way.
He thinks... He hopes the same, for him and Yuu. (He likewise doesn't know Yuu tried to throw his life away immediately after - though he was thankfully stopped.) Though he doesn't cry, his eyes are faintly wet - a fact betrayed only when his head happens to turn at just the right angle to reflect the indirect light. )
... You seem like someone easy to like. I'd be surprised if he weren't, I guess.
( He says this even though he walked out on Tatara last they spoke. While he and Tatara may not be a proper match - in Mika's perspective - he can see the general genre of person Tatara is. A human - selfish and flawed, surely - but not as awful as the worst he's seen. )
[ When he glances over, Tatara sees the glimmer of tears but makes no remark of it. He doesn't know Mika all that well, but Tatara knows himself—he won't throw himself at Mika to make him feel better, he won't make a big deal out of it. He gives a small, sympathetic smile, but that's it. He doesn't really care if Mika sees it or not.
He looks away, too. ]
Wah, you're so kind. [ He touches his fingers to his chest. His heart stirs! Or something. Now's not the time for dramatics. ] It's just how I see things. A lot of people don't like it. [ Ginger. Ahito. ]
But I'm glad you have that faith in him, Mika. Thanks.
[ That last statement, said with full earnestness. ]
( A half-hearted snort - he's hardly kind, and he's not sure if Tatara's just saying that or not. He knows he's not, either way.
He shrugs, just slightly. He can, at least, parse the earnest tone - if only because he's happy when people compliment Yuu, too. He wants people to love Yuu, even now. )
... He's important to you.
( It's a vague statement - but simply put, he means to convey that he doesn't think he said anything worth thanking him for. He doesn't know this king to have faith in him, but clearly Tatara does. And maybe it would be nice - unlikely, but nice - for faith and devotion to be somehow rewarded, if only if in the fond memories of the living.
He presses his palm to the corner of his eye, not really wiping anything, but letting the moment pass. )
... But you can be frustrating, it's true. ( He may or may not know other people have their beef with Tatara, but he wouldn't be surprised to hear it either way. ) I don't know if you have to be liked. For what you do, I think you just need to be trusted.
( He says this to the biggest flake on the planet, Mr. Wind-aspect Tatara Totsuka... But at least Mika speaks genuinely. )
[ Though he isn't looking at Mika, he still smiles brightly. Mikoto is important to him. Probably more than anyone who came before him, or after him. His king is irreplaceable in his heart.
He does laugh a little at that. He'll take frustrating. He kind of got that sense, anyway. ]
Yeah. I think, so long as you trust me, we'll get through this somehow.
[ Mr. "It'll Work Out."
He looks at Mika again. ]
Do you need anything else? Been healed up and recovering okay?
( Don't think your work here is done Mr. Sage!! Mika's anxiety is far too powerful,
Anyway, despite everything, he's not exactly hostile to Tatara despite disagreeing with how he runs things. In fact: )
You probably know Jing Yuan. If you take his advice on how to do things, I'd consider you at least a percent more reliable.
( Is that fair, to ask Tatara to basically be a conduit for other people? Not really. But, if anything, it suggests the kind of approach that puts Mika better at ease - at least, so far. Everyone in this manor has room to disappoint him.
As for the questions... He touches his scar idly. )
... I'm fine enough. Normally, that wouldn't have even been a big deal.
( Gruesome as it is, vampires can survive decapitation as a mild inconvenience. Granted - even if he had survived the decapitation, he thinks Khun would've made it hell on him, so it wouldn't have been an easy recovery.
A beat, though, because this near-death thing has got him thinking. Gingerly, his fingers brush from his neck to his hair, brushing back his hair. It reveals an otherwise-hidden pointed ear, and, more pertinently, a hanging earring featuring a beautiful ruby inlaid in a gold design, so scarlet it seems to be certainly made of blood. But surely that's only a trick of the low light. )
... I don't know if telling you this will change anything, but it's probably better than nothing. ( Wow... talking to people. ) If this comes off while I'm in the sun, it might kill me.
( At least, that's his theory. He could test it, but he's not sure if that's a great idea - it's literally playing with fire.
He drops his hand. )
Normally I'd just catch fire and stay on fire until night comes around, but since it seems like I'm less immortal than before...
( He shrugs. )
If I catch fire and burn to ash, at least you can tell people what killed me.
[ Jing Yuan... The big tiddy lion guy who lives next door... Tatara makes a mental note to ask later (he doesn't quite know what Mika means), but it's unfortunate that he'll forget about it when Jing Yuan brings over a cake and asks him out. Sorry, Mika.
He does notice, and leans forward a bit when Mika reveals the earring. ]
It's beautiful.
[ Don't mind him. Despite everything, he's still partial to red.
But he nods, neutral. He doesn't seem to be particularly worried about the prospect of Mika catching fire and burning. He's being told information, he's absorbing it, and he's keeping it in mind. He still has to pay a visit to Khun, but maybe he'll drop by his own room to write this down beforehand. ]
Got it. Keep it on if you can. It might not be a bad idea to cast something on it to be indestructible.
[ Spitballing, he has no idea what's possible, but may as well plant the idea in Mika's head while he can.
There is just one correction. He shakes his head. ]
You'd shatter to stone, not burn to ash. If that happened... [ He tilts his head, tone still frighteningly neutral in the same way it has been. ] Who would you want me to give your mana stones to?
( Indestructible...? Mika's brow furrows slightly. The trouble is, he can't think of something indestructible - deathward as he's oriented, he only sees things in terms of their finite limits. People die, plants wither, objects break, societies crumble (okay, relax, Mika).
He'll consider it, though. He doubts Tatara knows of any immediately-available indestructible items on hand, so he'll just have to research. Can magic objects be permanent? Much to think about.
Tatara's correction and question draws his attention, however, as he pauses. Mana stones are a strange form for a body to take when they die, but a corpse is a corpse, and the thought of handing his dead body off to someone after his passing... )
... Those "stones" would basically be my body, wouldn't they? Feels a little cruel to make someone hold onto them. They won't even decompose.
( Or, more ghoulishly, eat them. It's commonplace in this world, but it doesn't sit right with Mika for the same reason he can't be comfortable drinking blood. )
It might be better to grind them up and get rid of them, I think. Else...
( He hesitates. If they keep his remnants around, he knows Ginger, at least, would want to hold onto them, but that wouldn't be good for him. And Mika doesn't want to do that to him. Ginger insists upon carrying him, but— ... just this once, for just this one thing, he thinks maybe Ginger should let go. )
[ Tatara tilts his head. He speaks evenly, giving Mika facts only. He isn't pushing him one way or the other, or seems particularly excited about one prospect over the other. ]
I heard it's normal for wizards to eat the stones of their loved ones. [ He shrugs. ] If that's too macabre, I could add them to the stash we have for the elevator, or donate it to magitech research.
[ After a beat, he smiles. ]
Or you don't have to think about it at all. But thank you for telling me.
( He looks disgruntled when Tatara says he'd use them as a battery, wtf. Even worse is the suggestion of donating him (well, his "body") to any kind of research - that earns a particularly sharp narrowing of his eyes.
While Tatara didn't outright deny his request to have his mana stones ground down, he feels really strongly about how things should be in relation to him dying, so he doesn't want to let this go quite yet. He doesn't want Tatara to budge on this should he actually pass, and let someone get his stone, because... )
... Grind them down. I want them to be dust.
( Reiterating. This Is Not A Suggestion. )
The person I'm closest to here is Ginger. And maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal if he were a native wizard - maybe he'd take it in stride, like the wizards here do. But he's not. How do you think he's going to take it if you hand him some rock shards and go, "That's what's left of Mika, these stupid little broken bits, he's dead now, you can eat it"? Do you think he'd take it well?
( And this isn't even specifically because of some flaw in Ginger's person, or anything. Maybe if Ginger were exceptionally self-possessed it might be different, but, if anything, Ginger is normal (in Mika's eyes). )
What's normal is someone dying, and there being a body to mourn, and you bury that body and you get over it and the body goes away. When you start to introduce these weird disruptions into the cycle - when you don't let people grieve properly, process death the way they're used to - it's bad for them. It's bad for everyone. And I'm trying to think about the living while I still get to have a say.
( If one wonders if he's asked Ginger about his opinion, the answer is, of course, not at all. But asking Ginger what he wants if Mika dies is asking Ginger to picture Mika dying, and he thinks that would distress Ginger. It's well-intentioned, the way he's making this choice without making Ginger have to picture Mika's passing, but it's certainly making this choice for him - and he has no way to confirm whether it's best one, for Ginger. It could be. But he can't know like this. )
[ Tatara just watches Mika speak, his expression remaining placid, neutral the whole time. He doesn't move to interrupt or speak over him, letting him speak his mind. He listens intently, as he does, and picks out the key parts for himself. ]
All right. I'll do that. I'll give them to Ginger, too.
[ He smiles at Mika, understanding of his request. At least he gave some other perspectives, and it doesn't bother him that it was shot down so quickly. Mika knows what he wants, and that makes it easier for him.
The lecture goes over his head, because his stance on life and death is too skewed, in his own weird way. He has no firm opinions on how people should mourn. He can't even remember how much he mourned his adoptive father. Did he ever think about his biological parents? Did he even mourn himself?
He understands, logically, people take death differently. He just can't empathize with it. So he listens, and he nods.
He pats Mika's foot lump again (SAY THE FOOT LINE) and smiles. ]
Just double checking with you. That's all. Hopefully things won't come to that, but I'll keep it in mind just in case it does. Thank you for talking to me.
( Mika sighs, after all that. He's at least relieved Tatara heard him out, but he doesn't feel very confident he was understood.
Still, he guess it doesn't matter if Tatara understands him as long as he does as he asks. )
... I don't think it should go to Ginger. ( That feels almost worse...? ) It's just... get rid of it. Please.
( Let him be a body lost at sea; a body in the earth. Some semblance of a normal death, one he's long since been denied. Let him imagine that, one day, he'll get to rest in some normal sense, if he works hard enough, does right enough by the world..
He won't get to, of course. He'll turn into a strange rock, an object, a thing, a perversion of death, and just... he'll accept it. Because these are the consequences, the punishments, for the things he's done, is always doing, wrong.
Maybe he'll talk to Ginger about this at some point. Until then... )
... But I'll try not to let it happen, either way.
( He did tell Ginger he'd be around for as much time as he could offer him, and Mika intends to make good on this. If fate allows, he'd remain beside him, even when Ginger inevitably returns to Rum.
He runs his hand through his hair, a little overwhelmed by everything. )
... I'm fine now.
( Says guy who's not fine, but is tired, and he's letting Tatara off the hook - giving him permission to leave if he's been wanting it - at least. No flouncing on him this time is... an improvement? )
... You don't have to try to comfort me. It's... really fine.
( There you go. The foot line. Now you can leave for real, )
[ No questions asked. Again, he hopes that this isn't something they'll have to contend with in the future, but he tucks it away just in case things do come to that.
That Mika is even willing to try to prevent his own death is good enough for him. So long as he sticks it out to the end... At least that makes two of them. Waiting for the end.
And for his foot line. So when it finally procs, Tatara smiles. MISSION COMPLETE 💡💡💡 ]
Mm-hmm. I know. I trust you.
[ Who is he to argue? If Mika says that, then he'll take it at face value (cue 30 minute tirade as to why he's not fine—)
He gets to his feet, light. Whether Mika wants it or not, he whirls to take a step towards him, and lightly pats him on the head. Wizard headpat! ]
I should leave you to your rest anyway. [ He steps back before Mika can swat him away, hopefully. ] But if you need anything, you know where to find me. Okay, Mika-chan?
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no subject
He purses his lips slightly, at the pat leg - not upset, just... frustrated with everything. )
... It's not like I'm even supposed to be around anymore.
( His gaze falls to the sheets. )
If I die, that's just things going back to how they're supposed to be.
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Tatara takes off his sage hat (figuratively) and his demeanor shifts, just slightly. ]
You're not the only one.
[ In the dim, he gives a strained, little smile. ]
But you're alive here, and now. You may not agree with me, but I think that's worth something. As far as I'm concerned, you are supposed to be here. You are an important part of this group. If something happened to you, we'd have to start all over again.
[ He doesn't understand what it's like to yearn so strongly for death... Tatara? He's just waiting.
He pats Mika's foot lump in the blankets again. ]
I don't know how long we're in this for, but just hang on in the meanwhile, okay?
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What Tatara says earns a reaction from Mika, though subtle - he glances to him suddenly and holds his gaze there, unsure, at first, how to feel. That there are people who relate to his experience across his strangest dimensions is - discomfiting, to him. Still something he's getting used to.
It glances across the room, toward nothing in particular. )
... It's cowardly, but I... was a little relieved when I went. I didn't have to feel bad anymore. I didn't have to worry about the future.
( Maybe Tatara would get it, maybe he wouldn't - but at least he would be speaking from a close enough vantage point.
Living is really hard, when you're as tender-hearted as Mika can be - all emotion with no outlet for expression. Losing all his feelings, in some way, would have been a proper mercy.
But now he's here, expected to live among others, expected to operate in a group. And he doesn't trust himself to operate in one well - look at the trouble he's gotten himself into so far. )
... I can't think of any reason I'd be good for this group, or important for them. Maybe you're settling into things well, but... I don't know how.
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Tatara leans forward, propping his chin on his palm. He isn't looking at Mika like this, but he feels like he needs to give Mika some space, and not make too much eye contact. ]
Relief... I guess I could see that.
[ Tatara had said goodbye, and was satisfied.
There's a pause before he speaks again: ]
I wish I could tell you the exact reasons why you were chosen, or claimed by the spirits that did. But I think that you were should say enough. Maybe...we just haven't figured out what those are yet.
[ Did he settle in well? He isn't sure. He feels like he's just playing with toys in his waiting room.
He smiles, even if he isn't sure Mika can see it. ]
I've just been here a little longer than you, that's all. I don't know if I'm settling in or even doing my job well. But I know... [ Is it bad of him to say this? ] We won't be here forever, I don't think. Can you just hang on until then?
[ The implication is there: Mika's desired end will come to him, he just has to wait. ]
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... )
... You don't want to keep living?
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I'm not sure if I can live in a world without my king.
[ Said casually, like the shop he's in doesn't have the brand of laundry detergent he likes. Like he'll just leave, and go somewhere else. ]
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... Your king?
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[ He sighs and smiles, and there's that comfortable, familiar warmth in his chest. ]
He was the greatest person I knew. I don't think I'd ever met anyone so naturally majestic... I just wished I could have dedicated everything I was to him.
[ He closes his eyes. ]
It feels empty without him.
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The sense of something missing, of missing him.
(secret east skill: 1000 mirror projection no jutsu) )
... I wouldn't be so patient if I had someone like that to go back to.
( Well, Mika is logical - in truth: if playing Sage were his only way back, then he probably would resign to the position too, if it meant going back to Yuu. But in this moment? He can't fathom it. He can't imagine wasting a single second away from Yuu after he'd finally found him again.
But... that's all he has now - time away from him. )
But I know he's happy without me right now.
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Here, they differ in perspective. Tatara turns his attention back to Mika, eyes soft in the dim. ]
What makes you say that?
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( His fingers curl slight into the blankets around them. )
... And... I think that's how it should be. ( It's not how he wants it to be, though. There's the faintest remnants of strife in his voice. ) ... When I died as a human - when I was made a vampire... that was when he chose to live a life without me. Because you need to let go of the dead. Because... the dead can't.
( Look at the both of them, still clinging. The Granvelle Ghost, too, will probably become another example of this in Mika's mind, once it comes around.
Until then, though, it's just them, and their memories, in this quiet room. )
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Mika is talking about being left behind. But Tatara in his life adrift, has never for a second wondered about things like that. Maybe it's nice to live life like the wind, untethered but constant, choosing to envelop the people he chooses and not particularly caring if they miss him or not. ]
Maybe. But even so, he might keep you and your memory in a special place in his heart. People aren't easy to replace. He might've been happier in only a unique way you could've given him when you were around. He might miss you more than you realize. He might not.
[ He knows that someone who worries so intensely, who assigns concrete values to the unknown, isn't someone he's going to get through to easily. It's all conjecture at this point, so he shrugs. ]
But there's no way to know for certain. At least... [ He looks away again, eyes falling shut, like a cat enjoying the warm sunshine through a window. ] All I can really do is hope that our time together meant something. And that he's proud of me.
[ He doesn't know that his dearest king would then go on a suicide mission to avenge his death, threatening to take greater Tokyo with him.
He'd be furious. ]
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He thinks... He hopes the same, for him and Yuu. (He likewise doesn't know Yuu tried to throw his life away immediately after - though he was thankfully stopped.) Though he doesn't cry, his eyes are faintly wet - a fact betrayed only when his head happens to turn at just the right angle to reflect the indirect light. )
... You seem like someone easy to like. I'd be surprised if he weren't, I guess.
( He says this even though he walked out on Tatara last they spoke. While he and Tatara may not be a proper match - in Mika's perspective - he can see the general genre of person Tatara is. A human - selfish and flawed, surely - but not as awful as the worst he's seen. )
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He looks away, too. ]
Wah, you're so kind. [ He touches his fingers to his chest. His heart stirs! Or something. Now's not the time for dramatics. ] It's just how I see things. A lot of people don't like it. [ Ginger. Ahito. ]
But I'm glad you have that faith in him, Mika. Thanks.
[ That last statement, said with full earnestness. ]
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He shrugs, just slightly. He can, at least, parse the earnest tone - if only because he's happy when people compliment Yuu, too. He wants people to love Yuu, even now. )
... He's important to you.
( It's a vague statement - but simply put, he means to convey that he doesn't think he said anything worth thanking him for. He doesn't know this king to have faith in him, but clearly Tatara does. And maybe it would be nice - unlikely, but nice - for faith and devotion to be somehow rewarded, if only if in the fond memories of the living.
He presses his palm to the corner of his eye, not really wiping anything, but letting the moment pass. )
... But you can be frustrating, it's true. ( He may or may not know other people have their beef with Tatara, but he wouldn't be surprised to hear it either way. ) I don't know if you have to be liked. For what you do, I think you just need to be trusted.
( He says this to the biggest flake on the planet, Mr. Wind-aspect Tatara Totsuka... But at least Mika speaks genuinely. )
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He does laugh a little at that. He'll take frustrating. He kind of got that sense, anyway. ]
Yeah. I think, so long as you trust me, we'll get through this somehow.
[ Mr. "It'll Work Out."
He looks at Mika again. ]
Do you need anything else? Been healed up and recovering okay?
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I don't trust that easily.
( Don't think your work here is done Mr. Sage!! Mika's anxiety is far too powerful,
Anyway, despite everything, he's not exactly hostile to Tatara despite disagreeing with how he runs things. In fact: )
You probably know Jing Yuan. If you take his advice on how to do things, I'd consider you at least a percent more reliable.
( Is that fair, to ask Tatara to basically be a conduit for other people? Not really. But, if anything, it suggests the kind of approach that puts Mika better at ease - at least, so far. Everyone in this manor has room to disappoint him.
As for the questions... He touches his scar idly. )
... I'm fine enough. Normally, that wouldn't have even been a big deal.
( Gruesome as it is, vampires can survive decapitation as a mild inconvenience. Granted - even if he had survived the decapitation, he thinks Khun would've made it hell on him, so it wouldn't have been an easy recovery.
A beat, though, because this near-death thing has got him thinking. Gingerly, his fingers brush from his neck to his hair, brushing back his hair. It reveals an otherwise-hidden pointed ear, and, more pertinently, a hanging earring featuring a beautiful ruby inlaid in a gold design, so scarlet it seems to be certainly made of blood. But surely that's only a trick of the low light. )
... I don't know if telling you this will change anything, but it's probably better than nothing. ( Wow... talking to people. ) If this comes off while I'm in the sun, it might kill me.
( At least, that's his theory. He could test it, but he's not sure if that's a great idea - it's literally playing with fire.
He drops his hand. )
Normally I'd just catch fire and stay on fire until night comes around, but since it seems like I'm less immortal than before...
( He shrugs. )
If I catch fire and burn to ash, at least you can tell people what killed me.
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He does notice, and leans forward a bit when Mika reveals the earring. ]
It's beautiful.
[ Don't mind him. Despite everything, he's still partial to red.
But he nods, neutral. He doesn't seem to be particularly worried about the prospect of Mika catching fire and burning. He's being told information, he's absorbing it, and he's keeping it in mind. He still has to pay a visit to Khun, but maybe he'll drop by his own room to write this down beforehand. ]
Got it. Keep it on if you can. It might not be a bad idea to cast something on it to be indestructible.
[ Spitballing, he has no idea what's possible, but may as well plant the idea in Mika's head while he can.
There is just one correction. He shakes his head. ]
You'd shatter to stone, not burn to ash. If that happened... [ He tilts his head, tone still frighteningly neutral in the same way it has been. ] Who would you want me to give your mana stones to?
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He'll consider it, though. He doubts Tatara knows of any immediately-available indestructible items on hand, so he'll just have to research. Can magic objects be permanent? Much to think about.
Tatara's correction and question draws his attention, however, as he pauses. Mana stones are a strange form for a body to take when they die, but a corpse is a corpse, and the thought of handing his dead body off to someone after his passing... )
... Those "stones" would basically be my body, wouldn't they? Feels a little cruel to make someone hold onto them. They won't even decompose.
( Or, more ghoulishly, eat them. It's commonplace in this world, but it doesn't sit right with Mika for the same reason he can't be comfortable drinking blood. )
It might be better to grind them up and get rid of them, I think. Else...
( He hesitates. If they keep his remnants around, he knows Ginger, at least, would want to hold onto them, but that wouldn't be good for him. And Mika doesn't want to do that to him. Ginger insists upon carrying him, but— ... just this once, for just this one thing, he thinks maybe Ginger should let go. )
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I heard it's normal for wizards to eat the stones of their loved ones. [ He shrugs. ] If that's too macabre, I could add them to the stash we have for the elevator, or donate it to magitech research.
[ After a beat, he smiles. ]
Or you don't have to think about it at all. But thank you for telling me.
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While Tatara didn't outright deny his request to have his mana stones ground down, he feels really strongly about how things should be in relation to him dying, so he doesn't want to let this go quite yet. He doesn't want Tatara to budge on this should he actually pass, and let someone get his stone, because... )
... Grind them down. I want them to be dust.
( Reiterating. This Is Not A Suggestion. )
The person I'm closest to here is Ginger. And maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal if he were a native wizard - maybe he'd take it in stride, like the wizards here do. But he's not. How do you think he's going to take it if you hand him some rock shards and go, "That's what's left of Mika, these stupid little broken bits, he's dead now, you can eat it"? Do you think he'd take it well?
( And this isn't even specifically because of some flaw in Ginger's person, or anything. Maybe if Ginger were exceptionally self-possessed it might be different, but, if anything, Ginger is normal (in Mika's eyes). )
What's normal is someone dying, and there being a body to mourn, and you bury that body and you get over it and the body goes away. When you start to introduce these weird disruptions into the cycle - when you don't let people grieve properly, process death the way they're used to - it's bad for them. It's bad for everyone. And I'm trying to think about the living while I still get to have a say.
( If one wonders if he's asked Ginger about his opinion, the answer is, of course, not at all. But asking Ginger what he wants if Mika dies is asking Ginger to picture Mika dying, and he thinks that would distress Ginger. It's well-intentioned, the way he's making this choice without making Ginger have to picture Mika's passing, but it's certainly making this choice for him - and he has no way to confirm whether it's best one, for Ginger. It could be. But he can't know like this. )
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All right. I'll do that. I'll give them to Ginger, too.
[ He smiles at Mika, understanding of his request. At least he gave some other perspectives, and it doesn't bother him that it was shot down so quickly. Mika knows what he wants, and that makes it easier for him.
The lecture goes over his head, because his stance on life and death is too skewed, in his own weird way. He has no firm opinions on how people should mourn. He can't even remember how much he mourned his adoptive father. Did he ever think about his biological parents? Did he even mourn himself?
He understands, logically, people take death differently. He just can't empathize with it. So he listens, and he nods.
He pats Mika's foot lump again (SAY THE FOOT LINE) and smiles. ]
Just double checking with you. That's all. Hopefully things won't come to that, but I'll keep it in mind just in case it does. Thank you for talking to me.
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Still, he guess it doesn't matter if Tatara understands him as long as he does as he asks. )
... I don't think it should go to Ginger. ( That feels almost worse...? ) It's just... get rid of it. Please.
( Let him be a body lost at sea; a body in the earth. Some semblance of a normal death, one he's long since been denied. Let him imagine that, one day, he'll get to rest in some normal sense, if he works hard enough, does right enough by the world..
He won't get to, of course. He'll turn into a strange rock, an object, a thing, a perversion of death, and just... he'll accept it. Because these are the consequences, the punishments, for the things he's done, is always doing, wrong.
Maybe he'll talk to Ginger about this at some point. Until then... )
... But I'll try not to let it happen, either way.
( He did tell Ginger he'd be around for as much time as he could offer him, and Mika intends to make good on this. If fate allows, he'd remain beside him, even when Ginger inevitably returns to Rum.
He runs his hand through his hair, a little overwhelmed by everything. )
... I'm fine now.
( Says guy who's not fine, but is tired, and he's letting Tatara off the hook - giving him permission to leave if he's been wanting it - at least. No flouncing on him this time is... an improvement? )
... You don't have to try to comfort me. It's... really fine.
( There you go. The foot line. Now you can leave for real, )
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[ No questions asked. Again, he hopes that this isn't something they'll have to contend with in the future, but he tucks it away just in case things do come to that.
That Mika is even willing to try to prevent his own death is good enough for him. So long as he sticks it out to the end... At least that makes two of them. Waiting for the end.
And for his foot line. So when it finally procs, Tatara smiles. MISSION COMPLETE 💡💡💡 ]
Mm-hmm. I know. I trust you.
[ Who is he to argue? If Mika says that, then he'll take it at face value (cue 30 minute tirade as to why he's not fine—)
He gets to his feet, light. Whether Mika wants it or not, he whirls to take a step towards him, and lightly pats him on the head. Wizard headpat! ]
I should leave you to your rest anyway. [ He steps back before Mika can swat him away, hopefully. ] But if you need anything, you know where to find me. Okay, Mika-chan?