[ Yet again, his expression doesn't match what he's thinking. He can't stop it. He's humiliated.
You're right. You can't hurt Mika. You aren't like Khun.
Because all you know how to do is run.
There are a lot of thoughts flickering in his head, on and off, almost like it's glitching in and out of existence. Most of them are incomprehensible, but the one word that keeps appearing is "run".
He's staying put, though, but the hand on his glass twitches. ]
[Malice only manages to keep his gaze down for a moment - after all, with his heightened senses, he's naturally drawn to the sudden flickering of thoughts. He can't help but stare at them for a moment before he forces himself to look away again.
Run, huh...? It's not like there's many places Yamato could run to that would truly get him away from Malice if he wanted to pursue this conversation.
Part of him wants to leave, because they're in Yamato's room and if he wants to escape it so badly, shouldn't Malice just let it go? It's not like he ever should've seen those thoughts to begin with. So it'd be better not to acknowledge it, to pretend like this never happened, to—]
...Are you alright, Yama?
[But that leaves him instead and now he has to sit here and think about how stupid of a question it really is. Of course he isn't alright. His thoughts are on full display and he knows it. The better statement would be "you don't have to pretend to be alright" but it's too late to take the stupid question back, so it just hangs in the air between them.]
[ There's a full new display in front of Malice, now. Varying words and sentences that are Yamato telling himself to say yes, that he's fine, that no one needs to worry...but knowing that he's being put on blast eventually convinced him to just be honest. ]
As alright as I can be.
...
I don't know what you're seeing, or what you saw. But if it's concerning you that much, then you should [ Stay. Please. I don't want to be alone anymore. ] go. I'm not good company right now. I'm sorry.
Even if he hadn't seen it, Malice knew what his response would be. And so, without any hesitation:]
C'mon, Yama, don't be dumb. I'm not goin' anywhere. You can't get rid of me that easily.
[It's light, but not quite humorous. He means it. You do know that he means it, right?]
I'm worried 'bout you, yeah, but I'll be honest, I don't have a damn idea what to do or say that'll help. But I'm right here, an' I'm not goin' anywhere.
[ He mulls this over. Honestly, Malice doesn't need to say anything. He wouldn't know what to do in his position, either. ]
It's been like this recently. A lot, even back at home. You can probably guess why. I'd be lying if I said I don't want to push you away, too. It's pointless, with everything on display.
[ ... ]
Last night...it was hard to stomach. For both of us. I don't like seeing things fall apart, but other than that... I...
Wanna know a secret? [And with no time for Yamato to answer—] So did I.
[Because he likes them both, because he wanted to believe that there was a peaceful way to solve it so he didn't have to be mad at either of them. So things would work out nice and neatly and he could continue looking at things in black and white as always, and ignoring shades of gray.
But things didn't work out that way, and all he really managed to do was keep Ginger from attacking Khun. Was that even for the best? Mika said that a guy like that couldn't be trusted. Khun himself said he couldn't be trusted. What if the best option had been to let Ginger at him and see what happened? If Khun died, would it really be a loss for them?
...But Malice wouldn't like it, and that's ultimately what it comes down to. In the end, he's still the same horribly selfish person he's always been.]
It sucks, feelin' like that. But you're not alone. I think a lotta people felt that way. Like we showed up too late to stop 'em from gettin' into the worst of it, or that there should've been more we could do.
[ Malice can probably see parts of Yamato taking this all in. It's true, others probably felt the same. It's true, that maybe there's some shared regret between some of them.
However. He feels like there's a distinction. ]
Mika tried to push me away. He did it after the first time he lost control. Never wanted to see me after that. So I tried to help this time, and he wanted me to leave. I didn't...but he probably doesn't want to see me again, after that. I can't blame him.
Thinking about that made me realize that I'm the same way – trying to keep people out because it doesn't end well if I let them in.
[ And judging by his thoughts, it sure is a lonely life to lead, if he's being honest. ]
[Malice is quiet, trying to figure out what to say in response. He understands - both of them, in this case. Why Mika insisted on pushing Yamato away and why Yamato's internalized it this way. That feeling that everything will go wrong the moment you let someone in is all too familiar, after all. Isn't that why he ran when given the chance? Isn't that at least partially why Cody died? Because if Malice hadn't done something, someone else would have, and everything would have broken apart around him anyway.
Better to strike first - to try to put himself in a better position.]
...I don't think that's exactly it. On Mika's end, anyway. I think he was tryin' to keep you safe, 'cause he hates what he is an' he doesn't want to hurt people. So it's not that he never wants to see you again, it's that he was scared of hurting you.
[And really, when it comes down to it, isn't that what this is? The fear of letting someone in, of being hurt or betrayed again? It doesn't sit right with him and he doesn't want to think about it.]
I get it, though. I mean, I haven't let anyone in since Lotisse... an' look how that turned out.
[Malice scoffs with a roll of his eye. Though he plays it off like it isn't that big a deal, the mere mention of Lotisse makes his blood boil. That bastard really did use his feelings against him, even more than Rosalie had.]
[ That seems to help with his thoughts, somehow. They slowly begin to unwind and become a little more coherent. A little more like he's realizing something. ]
Afraid of hurting others...yeah. I think I get that, too.
[ He does. Oh, he does.
And it's sad, too, that Malice seems to understand. ]
What happened with Lotisse? I don't think you've ever told me his deal.
[Does he really want to talk about Lotisse again? No. But Malice heaves a sigh and starts into it anyway.]
While I was at Rosalie's, Lotisse was a fellow noble who visited a lot. But unlike most of those other uppity bastards, he actually gave me the time of day. Talked to me a lot, seemed to like me for who I was an' listened to me 'bout anythin' an' everythin'. Despite him bein' a vampire an' a noble... he didn't seem anythin' like the others.
[Malice absently runs a hand through the back of his hair, gaze drifting away as he continues.]
So when he suggested that I wasn't happy there an' that I should leave... I left. I went with him, without questionin' anythin'. I really thought he was bein' honest with me - I thought we were... friends.
[Sure. "Friends" covers it well enough, he thinks.]
But when we got to his manor, he locked me up. Turns out he an' Rosalie were workin' together, with the intention of beatin' the Domain outta me - literally. I had to fight most nights, just tryin' to keep myself alive while Lotisse sent beasts an' men an' vampires at me all to get my Domain to appear.
[His words grow harder and faster the deeper into the story he goes - the usual calm demeanor falling away for something far, far closer to his actual namesake. Malice doesn't usually do anger - but when he does, it's shockingly cold rather than hot.]
I just managed to escape from the bastard's place, but he's still alive. I'm not gonna let him stay that way.
1) Don't fuck with Malice. 2) His blood pressure is steadily rising as Malice talks about this guy.
He has severely underestimated how cruel Malice's home really is. ]
Your mom and someone you cared about...did that to you? I'd feel the same way, if I were in your shoes.
[ Fuck that. He won't even try to deny that he'd want them dead, too. ]
... I know this is going to sound rich coming from me, but you called me your friend. And that guy was one of them, too, wasn't he? I might be cruel [ mild ], but the thought of doing that to someone makes me sick. Especially since it was you.
[ And his thoughts, indeed, mirror that exactly. ]
Not everyone's that damn cruel. I know that. Hell, I've seen it firsthand - here an' back home. But it's hard to remember that sometimes, when most of what I've seen has been [vague gesture] this kinda crap.
[There were bright spots. The woman who raised him (who vanished one day, never to return), the gang of vampires he ran with as a teenager (who left without even saying goodbye), and the rebels, especially Cody (who he betrayed before Cody could prove him wrong). But they're few and far between compared to most of the vampires and humans Malice has met.
And then he arrived here and had his eye opened to the possibility that maybe his world just sucks and maybe people aren't so bad after all.]
You ain't cruel like that, believe me. I dunno if anyone here is. [Maybe Khun...] I was so damn sure that he was worth trustin' - an' after everything I've been through, I don't trust easily, y'know? So havin' that thrown back in my face was...
[He doesn't continue, he just sighs and rests his chin on his hand.]
Thanks, though. I really do mean it. I haven't had a real friend since— well, in a long time.
[He does glance at Yamato's thoughts to confirm it, but he doesn't need to. He already knew Yamato was telling the truth.]
I get it. It's hard to rebuild trust that's been broken that hard.
[ It's not comparable, which is why Yamato doesn't bring this up verbally, but Malice will see Yamato think of his dad.
Still, it makes him happy to be called a real friend. Something about that, being told he's been authentically good to someone, makes him happy. Maybe opening up was worth it -- no...it definitely was. Unsurprising, given who he's talking to, but he'll have to think about bringing this back home with him. Opening up to Mitsuki, Nagi and the others. ]
I should be thanking you instead. You didn't leave. It...means a lot.
Eh, still pretty sure I'm not, but I'll keep workin' on it 'til I'm worthy of that praise.
[He's grinning though, the icy demeanor slipping away into his usual warmth.]
Sorry that I had to go an' dump all that on you, though. Thanks for listenin'. An' if you ever need someone to lend you an ear, I'll listen to you. Can't say I'll be able to do much more than that, but I wanna be here for you, Yama.
That's what you think, but I think you've done plenty already.
[ Just his humble opinion, and what follows after that doesn't help Malice's case at all. At least they both kind of understand each other in the flaws department...? ]
It's more than enough. I don't get to talk about these things at all, really, so I appreciate it. And sorry for dumping on you first.
[He considers going for the joke, and saying he's always serious, but... Nah, he'll resist the urge to immediately jump back into their usual banter.]
Pretty sure most people find it a little... intense. Easier if I'm a little more laidback, yeah? Not like it's an act or anythin' - don't think I'd be any good at that, anyway - but it ain't often I have a reason to be all that serious.
[It's not quite a laugh, but Malice's smile is surprisingly gentle as he reaches a hand out and - assuming Yamato lets him - ruffles his hair. Payback!!]
I appreciate it, Yama. I'll hold ya to that, got it?
[ Wow??? WOW. Okay, he...he deserves that, after messing with Malice's hair earlier, so. Yamato grumbles and swats Malice's hand away, but he's laughing about it, actually.
His thought bubble begins to fade, but the words, now, are calmer. He's actually happy. Who would've thought? ]
Yeah, yeah. This is the one time I'll allow it. I should probably get rid of the rest of this wine, huh?
He's just going to lean forward and rest his forehead on Malice's shoulder for a sec, as long as Malice doesn't like. Push him off or something. If all goes well, he'll just pat Malice's back once, lightly. ]
(when was the last time Malice was hugged? does he even remember?)
He doesn't push Yamato off, but he does freeze like maybe he's considering running or something - it's the equivalent of a feral cat being given affection for the first time, in other words. Eventually his good hand comes up to rest lightly against Yamato's back. If he doesn't move soon, Malice's grip on the back of his shirt is going to go tight as if to keep him there... just for a little longer, anyway.]
[ He feels Malice freeze, and it makes him wonder, too -- when was the last time Malice was shown anything this gentle? The thought makes him feel like he should pull back before the poor guy gets too uncomfortable, but then he feels a hand on his back.
Ah.
It's fine, then. This is alright...and he's glad for it. Doesn't mean his heart won't race a bit, though, at the realization that his display of vulnerability has actually been returned -- so Yamato will stay like this for however long Malice would like.
Malice can tell him over and over again about how terrible he is, but Yamato is a fool. He's a fool who will believe in Malice unless the vampire decides to tear him apart, and the better part of him is saying that won't happen. ]
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[ Yet again, his expression doesn't match what he's thinking. He can't stop it. He's humiliated.
You're right. You can't hurt Mika. You aren't like Khun.
Because all you know how to do is run.
There are a lot of thoughts flickering in his head, on and off, almost like it's glitching in and out of existence. Most of them are incomprehensible, but the one word that keeps appearing is "run".
He's staying put, though, but the hand on his glass twitches. ]
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
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Run, huh...? It's not like there's many places Yamato could run to that would truly get him away from Malice if he wanted to pursue this conversation.
Part of him wants to leave, because they're in Yamato's room and if he wants to escape it so badly, shouldn't Malice just let it go? It's not like he ever should've seen those thoughts to begin with. So it'd be better not to acknowledge it, to pretend like this never happened, to—]
...Are you alright, Yama?
[But that leaves him instead and now he has to sit here and think about how stupid of a question it really is. Of course he isn't alright. His thoughts are on full display and he knows it. The better statement would be "you don't have to pretend to be alright" but it's too late to take the stupid question back, so it just hangs in the air between them.]
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As alright as I can be.
...
I don't know what you're seeing, or what you saw. But if it's concerning you that much, then you should [ Stay. Please. I don't want to be alone anymore. ] go. I'm not good company right now. I'm sorry.
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Even if he hadn't seen it, Malice knew what his response would be. And so, without any hesitation:]
C'mon, Yama, don't be dumb. I'm not goin' anywhere. You can't get rid of me that easily.
[It's light, but not quite humorous. He means it. You do know that he means it, right?]
I'm worried 'bout you, yeah, but I'll be honest, I don't have a damn idea what to do or say that'll help. But I'm right here, an' I'm not goin' anywhere.
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It's been like this recently. A lot, even back at home. You can probably guess why. I'd be lying if I said I don't want to push you away, too. It's pointless, with everything on display.
[ ... ]
Last night...it was hard to stomach. For both of us. I don't like seeing things fall apart, but other than that... I...
I felt pretty helpless.
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Wanna know a secret? [And with no time for Yamato to answer—] So did I.
[Because he likes them both, because he wanted to believe that there was a peaceful way to solve it so he didn't have to be mad at either of them. So things would work out nice and neatly and he could continue looking at things in black and white as always, and ignoring shades of gray.
But things didn't work out that way, and all he really managed to do was keep Ginger from attacking Khun. Was that even for the best? Mika said that a guy like that couldn't be trusted. Khun himself said he couldn't be trusted. What if the best option had been to let Ginger at him and see what happened? If Khun died, would it really be a loss for them?
...But Malice wouldn't like it, and that's ultimately what it comes down to. In the end, he's still the same horribly selfish person he's always been.]
It sucks, feelin' like that. But you're not alone. I think a lotta people felt that way. Like we showed up too late to stop 'em from gettin' into the worst of it, or that there should've been more we could do.
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However. He feels like there's a distinction. ]
Mika tried to push me away. He did it after the first time he lost control. Never wanted to see me after that. So I tried to help this time, and he wanted me to leave. I didn't...but he probably doesn't want to see me again, after that. I can't blame him.
Thinking about that made me realize that I'm the same way – trying to keep people out because it doesn't end well if I let them in.
[ And judging by his thoughts, it sure is a lonely life to lead, if he's being honest. ]
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Better to strike first - to try to put himself in a better position.]
...I don't think that's exactly it. On Mika's end, anyway. I think he was tryin' to keep you safe, 'cause he hates what he is an' he doesn't want to hurt people. So it's not that he never wants to see you again, it's that he was scared of hurting you.
[And really, when it comes down to it, isn't that what this is? The fear of letting someone in, of being hurt or betrayed again? It doesn't sit right with him and he doesn't want to think about it.]
I get it, though. I mean, I haven't let anyone in since Lotisse... an' look how that turned out.
[Malice scoffs with a roll of his eye. Though he plays it off like it isn't that big a deal, the mere mention of Lotisse makes his blood boil. That bastard really did use his feelings against him, even more than Rosalie had.]
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Afraid of hurting others...yeah. I think I get that, too.
[ He does. Oh, he does.
And it's sad, too, that Malice seems to understand. ]
What happened with Lotisse? I don't think you've ever told me his deal.
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[Does he really want to talk about Lotisse again? No. But Malice heaves a sigh and starts into it anyway.]
While I was at Rosalie's, Lotisse was a fellow noble who visited a lot. But unlike most of those other uppity bastards, he actually gave me the time of day. Talked to me a lot, seemed to like me for who I was an' listened to me 'bout anythin' an' everythin'. Despite him bein' a vampire an' a noble... he didn't seem anythin' like the others.
[Malice absently runs a hand through the back of his hair, gaze drifting away as he continues.]
So when he suggested that I wasn't happy there an' that I should leave... I left. I went with him, without questionin' anythin'. I really thought he was bein' honest with me - I thought we were... friends.
[Sure. "Friends" covers it well enough, he thinks.]
But when we got to his manor, he locked me up. Turns out he an' Rosalie were workin' together, with the intention of beatin' the Domain outta me - literally. I had to fight most nights, just tryin' to keep myself alive while Lotisse sent beasts an' men an' vampires at me all to get my Domain to appear.
[His words grow harder and faster the deeper into the story he goes - the usual calm demeanor falling away for something far, far closer to his actual namesake. Malice doesn't usually do anger - but when he does, it's shockingly cold rather than hot.]
I just managed to escape from the bastard's place, but he's still alive. I'm not gonna let him stay that way.
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1) Don't fuck with Malice.
2) His blood pressure is steadily rising as Malice talks about this guy.
He has severely underestimated how cruel Malice's home really is. ]
Your mom and someone you cared about...did that to you? I'd feel the same way, if I were in your shoes.
[ Fuck that. He won't even try to deny that he'd want them dead, too. ]
... I know this is going to sound rich coming from me, but you called me your friend. And that guy was one of them, too, wasn't he? I might be cruel [ mild ], but the thought of doing that to someone makes me sick. Especially since it was you.
[ And his thoughts, indeed, mirror that exactly. ]
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[There were bright spots. The woman who raised him (who vanished one day, never to return), the gang of vampires he ran with as a teenager (who left without even saying goodbye), and the rebels, especially Cody (who he betrayed before Cody could prove him wrong). But they're few and far between compared to most of the vampires and humans Malice has met.
And then he arrived here and had his eye opened to the possibility that maybe his world just sucks and maybe people aren't so bad after all.]
You ain't cruel like that, believe me. I dunno if anyone here is. [Maybe Khun...] I was so damn sure that he was worth trustin' - an' after everything I've been through, I don't trust easily, y'know? So havin' that thrown back in my face was...
[He doesn't continue, he just sighs and rests his chin on his hand.]
Thanks, though. I really do mean it. I haven't had a real friend since— well, in a long time.
[He does glance at Yamato's thoughts to confirm it, but he doesn't need to. He already knew Yamato was telling the truth.]
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[ It's not comparable, which is why Yamato doesn't bring this up verbally, but Malice will see Yamato think of his dad.
Still, it makes him happy to be called a real friend. Something about that, being told he's been authentically good to someone, makes him happy. Maybe opening up was worth it -- no...it definitely was. Unsurprising, given who he's talking to, but he'll have to think about bringing this back home with him. Opening up to Mitsuki, Nagi and the others. ]
I should be thanking you instead. You didn't leave. It...means a lot.
[ Malice is a real one. That's for sure. ]
You're a good guy, Malice.
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[He's grinning though, the icy demeanor slipping away into his usual warmth.]
Sorry that I had to go an' dump all that on you, though. Thanks for listenin'. An' if you ever need someone to lend you an ear, I'll listen to you. Can't say I'll be able to do much more than that, but I wanna be here for you, Yama.
[In whatever way he can be, anyway.]
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[ Just his humble opinion, and what follows after that doesn't help Malice's case at all. At least they both kind of understand each other in the flaws department...? ]
It's more than enough. I don't get to talk about these things at all, really, so I appreciate it. And sorry for dumping on you first.
[ A beat. ]
It was nice to see your serious side.
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Pretty sure most people find it a little... intense. Easier if I'm a little more laidback, yeah? Not like it's an act or anythin' - don't think I'd be any good at that, anyway - but it ain't often I have a reason to be all that serious.
this is so .......
[ Which is something he'd like to be, actually. ]
It's fine if it's scary. If you're feeling some kind of way, I want to know. That's how I'll be here for you, too.
buries face in hands
[It's not quite a laugh, but Malice's smile is surprisingly gentle as he reaches a hand out and - assuming Yamato lets him - ruffles his hair. Payback!!]
I appreciate it, Yama. I'll hold ya to that, got it?
i'm going to destroy them
His thought bubble begins to fade, but the words, now, are calmer. He's actually happy. Who would've thought? ]
Yeah, yeah. This is the one time I'll allow it. I should probably get rid of the rest of this wine, huh?
mood...
Oh yeah, that'd probably be a good idea - might be good to warn the others that this kinda thing can happen too...
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Yeah. We can worry about that later.
[ Hmmm. ]
Mind coming over here for a sec?
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[He asks it like a question, but he's already getting up and coming over. What do you need him for, Yamato?]
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He's just going to lean forward and rest his forehead on Malice's shoulder for a sec, as long as Malice doesn't like. Push him off or something. If all goes well, he'll just pat Malice's back once, lightly. ]
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(when was the last time Malice was hugged? does he even remember?)
He doesn't push Yamato off, but he does freeze like maybe he's considering running or something - it's the equivalent of a feral cat being given affection for the first time, in other words. Eventually his good hand comes up to rest lightly against Yamato's back. If he doesn't move soon, Malice's grip on the back of his shirt is going to go tight as if to keep him there... just for a little longer, anyway.]
i'm dead.
Ah.
It's fine, then. This is alright...and he's glad for it. Doesn't mean his heart won't race a bit, though, at the realization that his display of vulnerability has actually been returned -- so Yamato will stay like this for however long Malice would like.
Malice can tell him over and over again about how terrible he is, but Yamato is a fool. He's a fool who will believe in Malice unless the vampire decides to tear him apart, and the better part of him is saying that won't happen. ]
me too.
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