( Next time may as well be fairly soon, because he thinks a palate cleanser will be in order after hearing his background.
To the offer, though - he shakes his head. )
Don't promise. ( Not for something fickle as belief. ) If we do promise— not that we should, but... If we do, I'd want it to be something we both do. I don't know what that'd be, but... At least we'd be in it together.
( They'd be bound together by one more thing. Tying Ginger to him alone felt too cruel - and though he'd gladly chain himself to Ginger, he understands Ginger wouldn't want that.
He still wants Ginger to have the freedom to - quit this, if he ever wants. (Well, no, Mika doesn't actually want Ginger to ever leave - but he knows he should leave that door unlocked for him.) So he wouldn't promise easily. But... if they had to promise, he thinks that's the only way he'd concede. )
... I guess... I could tell you now, though. Since I'm not going anywhere...
( Their locked-up larp... Mika doesn't want to go anywhere, either. He'd be happy spending the next obscene amount of time just in this room, photosyntheizing through Ginger's presence alone. He really doesn't want to remember other people exist yet. )
[ !!Together!! He likes that a lot, murmuring ‘together with Mika’ with stars in his eyes. ]
If we have to, then only together.
[ If they’re together, he’d prefer to leave the door locked. Unlocked and Mika could leave - and if he asks to leave alone, what can Ginger do? So together is best, chained to each other like this. ]
You might be uncomfortable if I tie you down, so you’ll just have to stay in my lap. But you’ll get a lot of hugs in exchange.
( He's glad they're of the same (one track) mind - but, oh, Ginger is being cute again... It works a smile onto Mika's face, accented by a faint laugh. )
That sounds like I'm getting the better end of the deal. What do you get for the hugs, when I already give you kisses for free?
( As if to demonstrate, he presses a light kiss besides Ginger's eye - his demon eye. )
... Do you want to tie me up?
( He's already taken the locking up remarks in stride, so he can't exactly pause here, but... it's certainly new. (It should be worrying, and the part of him capable of logic retains that understanding, but he's been so inundated with Ginger's feelings it's hard to divorce this sort of thing from the overwhelming affection it's attached to.) )
[ His eyes flutter close and when they open, they’re immediately fixed on Mika - dark and light focused on him because he’s everything they would ever need to see, everything they could ever seek to want. ]
—You can't say those things back to back. It'd stop my heart if... mine still worked.
( ///... One was so cool and romantic??? And this one is just sweet. What's a Mika supposed to do?
He gently squishes cups Ginger's cheeks, but this time, instead of a squeeze, he kisses him on the lips proper, and he lets it stay before he parts his mouth to speak. )
... I'd tie myself to you without you having to ask. ( It's not uncomfortable. ) 's not like I need anything else.
( Mika is someone who would do so bad if he were in love with someone who wouldn't treat him kindly, and would probably end up a body on the nine o'clock news sooner or later, but thankfully that's not the case with Ginger. )
... But I'm way happier, um... knowing it's not just me alone. ( Both of them tied down? Still - "Happier"... It's weird to think of himself as happy, but he is right now, with Ginger. ) I kept telling myself that I shouldn't force anyone to stay, if they ever changed their mind, I guess. Not that— I'd never hold it against anyone, or anything.
It works. [ Against Mika’s soft lips. ] I hear it.
[ It’s in the way Mika lives, how he reacts to the joys of life and of love, how fear and doubt temper his dazzling light sometimes. Mika’s heart doesn’t beat audibly, no, but - it shudders and shakes and hums with warmth, Ginger’s sure.
And - Mika doesn’t hold it against anyone, but Ginger holds it against Yuu even if Yuu had chosen to stay (he doesn’t know; he doesn’t care) - because he’s not here now with Mika. Where is he? Why isn’t he here? Unfathomable. ]
So you should stay - here. With me, um, permanently. [ And then he adds anxiously: ] Ahh… I rushed it this time, but I’ll ask again - properly down on my knee, with flowers.
( He assumes Ginger's just being sweet, though, and there's nothing sweeter than the fantasy of a happy ending like that. And if Ginger hears it now, then surely it must be an echo of his own; their own, right now.
Everything Ginger does is nectar to the nth degree, really; Mika only worries he doesn't offer enough back. That Ginger is content just with him and him alone is - it feels unfair. Ginger may say this is enough, but Mika will only want to give him more back the more Ginger insists. )
( "I'm proposing we're staying together" - hehe. Okay, that gets a grin out of him. He fluffs his hairs lil as he runs his fingers through it. )
Should I wait until you get flowers to give you my answer?
( As if his answer weren't incredibly obvious, from Mika's perspective.
Though he does redden very slightly when Ginger asks if he "wants" a proposal, he pauses to consider it. )
... Well, I'd say yes if you asked.
( That doesn't answer Ginger's questions, but he gives it anyway. Does that spoil his answer for Ginger's actual proposal? Maybe there can still be faux suspense. But he can tell marriage is the furthest thing from Ginger's mind, so he says it more like it's more a funny little idea, than anything.
By way of explanation, so Ginger doesn't think he's a weirdo who expects long term commitment or anything: )
... I used to play house a lot with the other orphans - they were all even younger than me, so they loved it. It was fun being the mom, or dad, and stuff... but...
( He rubs his thumb idly at the crook of Ginger's neck, the way he does to the hilt of his sword when he's uncomfortable.
His instinct is to continue talking about the orphans - but, Ginger did ask earlier to know more about him, didn't he...? )
... Well, my parents didn't exactly have a good marriage. ( Because of him. That was his fault. ) They were probably happy at the start, and then things changed. And they were both probably stuck in it, at that point. So...
( How could he even dream of asking that of someone else?
(... Regardless of the firm commitment his heart adores, in every form.) )
Only if you stay the nights here until I ask properly.
[ Which is basically him saying don’t leave, ever.
He whispers, ‘cute…’ at the playing house talk, but. His ears redden when Mika mentions playing mom or dad because - children with Mika in the future, being a family in that sense… he would like that a lot, he thinks. ]
I just think it’s a given that we’re committed to each other for life, so a marriage is… a nice extra…? But - it sounds like your parents forgot each other because the idea of marriage was more important.
I don’t want to commit to a marriage; I want to be committed to you, Mika, for - for forever.
Really, he hadn't answered directly because - he wasn't sure, himself, if he hoped it. He liked this fairytale idea of a married, family life - and he knew it could exist, if miracles like Ginger's parents could happen. But was he allowed to have that?
But Ginger's always like a breath of fresh air, and the rubbing hesitates. Committed for life... It's not a new vow, but he softens hearing it; his chest feels full. (A kiss isn't enough, he has to die for him,) )
... Yeah. ( He says this dumbly - he feels dumb, for answering so simply; Ginger's always so romantic with his words. He punctuates it, instead, with a kiss. ) You're - way more important than a ring, or a promise. I'll always care for... you, as you are.
( Not the institution; not the words, or exchanged gifts. )
... So I will wait. Every night. And if you ever want to propose for marriage... I'll wait a second time, too.
( And he lets the kiss linger here, deeply - and yet still a little flustered, a little clueless, not that much unlike his first try, like it's all still new.
Let the nights turn to months turn to years, if they want; he'd spend them all by Ginger's side, gladly.
He'll break it only when Ginger needs to breathe, but he seems reluctant even then, too. )
... It wasn't really, my parent's fault... that they ended up that way. But... um, even though I don't know what - I guess, a normal sort of life really looks like... ( Like, among couples, ) I do like thinking about what it'd be like, living with you. Like... when we were talking about sharing an apartment... that sort of thing.
[ Marriage is a fun idea, but it’s not really all that common in Heaven, and it certainly doesn’t have the same significance as in the human world. But as Ginger takes a breath after their kiss, keeping their faces close - so close, so reluctant to be apart any more than that, he realizes - oh. That doesn’t matter. Because he’s not going back to Heaven, is he…?
He’s not yet ready to let go of Rum, or his family, or his… coworkers. His stomach twists painfully as he imagines the day arriving. But he will, if that’s what it takes to stay with Mika. And Mika… Can he leave this world - can he bear to part from the moon? If he really is moon sick in some way…
The hand caressing Mika’s face slides to the back of his head, carefully encouraging him back in for another kiss, just as deep with Ginger’s brand of neediness where he steals Mika’s tongue for his own, keeping it relentlessly occupied. To keep Mika, he would do anything. That truth rings clear in his soul.
He couldn’t bear to leave him, that would be too cruel when Mika’s meant to be loved. Just like this. ]
I’ll always choose you, Mika. [ A hush murmur against the side of his lips. ] You’ll never have to wait for my answer. Let’s build a life together.
( Mika returns the kiss, always, always, because it's his way of saying I love you, I choose you - he returns it, but he hears the subtle shift in Ginger's beat, one that doesn't resound so happy as it had before, and he wonders if Ginger holds some hesitation.
Still - Ginger's words feel sincere. Mika doesn't feel it like a wave of emotion, but Ginger sounds as honest as he has been when Mika could feel how he felt. )
... Please.
( Soft; stronger than a yes, than an okay, than an I want to, too; a gentle pleading, for this dream to come true. But...
He presses his lips to Ginger's again, this time briefly, gently caressing where his neck meets his jaw. )
... What's wrong?
( And now Mika worries, too. Did he finally recognize some flaw inherent to a life with Mika? Did he want to scale back his commitment? Maybe Mika had said something offbeat. Maybe it was the comment about change. Is he worried Mika's feelings might change, one day? Maybe Mika didn't seem very sincere. )
[ He smiles, a touch rueful - but pretty set. Nothing’s wrong; the decisions they have to make won’t all be as easy as falling, tripping, tumbling head over heels is all. ]
I was just wondering if… we would stay here in this world, after all. Where we would live.
( Oh - the question surprises him, like it genuinely did not occur to Mika, because... )
... You wouldn't go back home?
( And this question is asked with a bit of contradiction. Ginger going home is one reason Mika had felt they couldn't be together forever; surely, once Mika's service was up here, he'd also be returned to where he came from... right?
But also - he had imagined vaguely scenarios where Ginger did go home, and Mika had somehow followed, and then Ginger had met Rum again, and then...
But in all these permutations, he'd never thought Ginger would remain here - or that Mika could, either. He never thought that was an option. )
I’m not sure that’s an option. [ Anymore. ] What if… you can’t come with me? What if I can’t come with you? You’re my heart, Mika.
[ He thinks that’s answer enough, really. ]
I learned from my parents that love is a compromise - in a good way, even if the decisions aren’t… easy. They’re worth it in the end.
[ It’s not easy to stay, but it’s impossible for him to leave Mika. He can - and has - handled missing Rum, missing his family. But not Mika… ]
And I know you’ll think this because you’re sweet and good, but you’re not making me give them up - and I’m not giving them up. Eternity means maybe one day, our paths will cross again. Don’t you think?
( That Ginger would choose him so tangibly over all these things Mika knows he loves overwhelms him in a way just as great as when he'd held a direct link to Ginger's feelings.
Mika does, immediately, think Ginger's giving something up to be with him - something extremely important; his family, his home, Rum - and Ginger pre-empts him and reassures him, and Ginger remains somewhat uneasy, but he does... listen.
He'd never thought of eternity as a thing of hope, before. That he could be with Ginger for that length assigned it more than enough value, in his eyes. That it could serve Ginger in some tangible way was something he had not even considered.
(... He wonders if that means he could one day see Yuu, too...? Somehow, somehow...) )
... Maybe it's not impossible...
( It feels so unlikely, though. But if Ginger wants this, then Mika will believe it, and see that it's made possible. )
... But are you sure? If eternity means our paths might cross again, like you said... you could choose to return, and... I could stay here, and wait for you.
( It's amazing for Mika to suggest this when they've just established that they don't want to be away from each other, such that they need daily respite from having to exist with other people, but it's clear in Mika's gaze he's only thinking about Ginger.
Of course Mika wants him to stay. Of course he was visibly happy when Ginger said he would choose him, like Mika had asked he always do, so earnestly. But he isn't thinking about himself. Just Ginger; always Ginger. But he might be focused too much on what should be good for Ginger, rather than what is - his eternal bad habit. )
... Even if it'd take a thousand thousand years, I'd still love you all the while.
Mika. [ And he smiles quietly, the hand buried in Mika’s hair guides their foreheads together. ] No.
[ Affectionate, but unyielding. It’s not a choice that’s for him. In no world will he ever choose to leave Mika behind to wait for someone like him. When he can barely stand to be apart from Mika, when he misses him when they're a room away from each other.
A world away? He couldn’t. Unless -
But the next part, he has to close his eyes for, words like glass in his throat. He forces them out slow, because this - is important to say. He won’t even regret saying it. ]
You could - do the same. You could go back to Yuu. I’ll stay and wait.
Yuu had felt like something forbidden, a dream, so long as it stayed in his heart, on his lips. Ginger speaking it made him real, as if - he'd chanted it thrice in a mirror, and then, there Yuu was.
It's for the best Ginger's eyes are closed, so he doesn't see the way Mika's face colors bright, like a person waiting anxiously at the station, hoping for someone to arrive. It's the simple concept of seeing Yuu again that affects him, before the rest of him even thinks about how that asks him to think about Ginger. )
( But recognition sets in after that split second of fantasy passes, and he - recalls the reality of his situation, and recalls Ginger. And he - it's not like he thought about seeing Yuu at the expense of Ginger, did he? He didn't. Okay? He didn't.
But - no. He did think about being with Yuu first, and not that it meant being away from Ginger, if only for a split second. And that - he feels awful for that. He... does love Ginger - he does love him, he knows this now much more surely. And he loves Yuu, he loves Yuu, but it smolders in his heart different; this constant, low kindle. When he compares the two sensations, he can feel their distinctions, even if he can't articulate them well. And yet, he still...
But he considers also - and belatedly - the way Ginger suggested it. He named Yuu, alone. Maybe because he doesn't know much else about Mika's home, but maybe... Mika has given Ginger sincere reason to believe he would choose Yuu over Ginger. Given he thought of Yuu first, maybe Ginger's impression isn't unfounded.
He's awful.
(Mika ignores how he had just offered Ginger something similar, because Mika had been thinking of all Ginger's important company - and he ignores his jealousy toward Rum earlier, because that was not a lack of loyalty, on Ginger's part; that was, of course, Mika to blame. And here, Mika is also to blame. It's not Ginger's fault. It never is.)
(... But in an iteration where he thinks of Ginger first - perhaps in their future - he'll feel guilty for not thinking of Yuu first, too. He can't win. And it'll be a long time before he can approach it in a way that's fair to himself.)
He wishes, unfairly, he did have a snapshot into Ginger here, to know for sure how he feels. But Mika decides... the prospects don't seem promising. Ginger must be hurt. )
( The silence doesn't linger long, but it lasts just long enough that it's probably not very reassuring.
He gently pulls his head back, and he cups Ginger's face in his hands with the least affection he's touched him with so far; it's guilty, not so much touching him as he is a conduit of apology. His palms only barely brush his skin.
His voice is soft: )
... I'm sorry that I've made you think I would.
( A hesitant beat. )
... I could go back. ( And this is very slightly different than what he's been saying - I can't, I can't. ) If I went back... I think I'd go back to how things were, when I left. I died. And when a vampire dies, the body goes and their soul remains... and becomes a demon.
( It's hard for Mika to imagine what it means to become a demon when he dies. It's scary, but it's so abstract. He'd always refrained from mentioning it because Ginger's struggle with his demon side is so heavy and tangible, that for Mika to complain about technically being some kind of fledgling demon spawn felt so small, so cosmetic in comparison.
So normally, he wouldn't mention this much; but it seems ... directly relevant. It feels more honest. )
... I wouldn't have my memories, as a demon. ( If he can still even consider that... himself. Maybe him in name alone, by categorization of soul. ) But I know I'd find Yuu-chan anyway. I'm sure I would protect him, if it really is my soul that stays.
( He's clearly thought about this. He's thought about this a lot. And it would be ... enough for the current him to satisfy himself with, if he - were protecting Yuu in some way, even if he didn't realize it. He was at peace with going back, and letting himself lay down his guilt in death, and let his spirit rise in eternal servitude.
It's a curse. It's meant to be a curse, to never let damned soul rest. First as a vampire, then as a demon. But guarding Yuu into eternity could never be a curse to him, if God would only let him. He's so sure that even as an amnesiac, even as a demon, his ugly, wretched soul would find it fulfilling.
But.
His hands fall from Ginger's face, gently. )
... I can't. Not without you. I don't want to forget you, even if I'd find you, too. And even if— even if I didn't forget— I don't want to... be with Yuu-chan, if it means I can't be with you.
( Oh, that physically pains him to say, but it's - it's true. It's true, and he knows it, even as it runs thorns through his heart. )
No. No, he doesn’t regret saying it. He knew he had to. And… someone has to put Mika first, when Yuu won’t. When Mika won’t. There’s no regret in loving Mika. ]
[ He opens his eyes and they try not to ask: … and if you could go back before then? If that wasn’t a concern, would you?
But he’s too much of a coward to say that and the silence told him all he needs to know. Strange how the words cut like glass going up, and even worse when he swallows them down, embedding themselves into his stomach to stay. To remember. He wishes he could be numb with the knowledge, but it has always been in the back of his mind - it’s on him to have done something about it.
It’s not Mika’s fault. He can’t help it if Yuu comes first for him; Yuu’s existed in his heart first, the space made for him solid and perfectly etched. Ginger would never fit there. Could never, no matter how much he folds into himself. It didn’t work - with Rum. It won’t work here either.
And even as a demon, he’s sure Mika’s soul would shine bright and dazzling if it’s with Yuu. That it would remember all it needs to remember and that’s one name alone.
(But why… is it always Mika who protects Yuu but never the other way around…? He hates it. That, too, burns sharp when he swallows it down.)
It hurts. Of course - it does. But that doesn’t mean Mika doesn’t love him the way he says. It doesn’t mean Mika doesn’t accept all of him, the way he’s always insisted so warmly. He could come second, he could settle with that, if loving him second still allows him this much of Mika’s affection. And whatever deep hurt there is, he… thinks, if he could, he’d gather it up and store it where he holds all his tender feelings about Rum. He’s - not hiding his feelings - he just doesn’t know what to do with them yet. It wouldn’t be fair to show Mika when this isn’t something he can change; when nothing about this is his fault.
Ginger can come second. Ginger can wait. Maybe this is the most selfless he’s been about love, ever. He could simply not be made to be put first, not easily - not when most people are used to putting only one thing first and he’s two incomplete things. Twice the effort, zero gain. ]
It’s okay… [ It is, it is. Mika can’t help what he feels. His heart learned to beat with Yuu in it, then stopped - with Yuu in it. And Ginger is - … Ginger catches his hand and presses his lips to the familiar palm, cool and warm. Not exactly a kiss, but a small claim to ground himself. He loves and is loved. This is a truth. ] I would still wait, for you. So don’t tear yourself apart if - if one day, you need to go home. You’ll bring the sun and the stars with you, when you come back for our hour. I’m sure.
[ He’s relieved, in a way, that Mika’s soul will still remain even if his memories are gone. That some part of his soul could linger and do what Mika longs for it to do. If it were Ginger, if he forgot Mika… he would - all the heat in him would finally melt him away to nothing, missing what he can’t remember. ]
( He doesn't need that window to see that he's gone and pulled at a thread that leaves Ginger unraveling, and so Ginger's lips, this time, land neither hot nor cold on his skin. It is a perfect, numb, terrified neutral.
There is guilt. There's enough guilt to drown in. But he's scared. There's dread. It's the sort of thing you'd feel when you come to, and you see your love laid there bleeding, and you look down in your hands, and you see the knife.
How does he fix this?
(He can't.)
But he—
He does get that window, with that final remark. And the way the feeling floods into him from that small panel does make it hard to speak. )
It's not.
( Faltering, but he manages - something. Nothing useful, as always. )
It's not okay— Ginger. It's not. I don't—
( He takes his hand from Ginger (sorry, sorry), he takes his face again - he shouldn't have let go the first time - he turns Ginger's face up, he tries to look him in the eye, he tries not to look like he's going to cry, Ginger's feelings still echoing in him. )
I don't want to leave you behind. I'm not going to. Okay? I don't— Ginger, I love you. Yuu-chan's... he's my family. You're... family too, but you're— more than that.
( He stumbles over the words, trying to find - an explanation of his heart that isn't just circumstance, that isn't just that Yuu has moved on, that he himself is dead and gone. It's the hardest thing, trying to name the color of his feelings. )
I just... it's different. And I miss him. I miss him a lot. But I... Yuu-chan is— someone I miss. But you're a part of me. How could I... choose him over my own heart...?
( He swallows, his gaze dropping; assuming, already, his overture would fail, no matter how sincere. Every mistake in his life has been irrevocable, and all the moments between have him growing complacent. Does it matter if he insists he'd choose Ginger, if he's made Ginger believe one day he won't?
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no subject
( Next time may as well be fairly soon, because he thinks a palate cleanser will be in order after hearing his background.
To the offer, though - he shakes his head. )
Don't promise. ( Not for something fickle as belief. ) If we do promise— not that we should, but... If we do, I'd want it to be something we both do. I don't know what that'd be, but... At least we'd be in it together.
( They'd be bound together by one more thing. Tying Ginger to him alone felt too cruel - and though he'd gladly chain himself to Ginger, he understands Ginger wouldn't want that.
He still wants Ginger to have the freedom to - quit this, if he ever wants. (Well, no, Mika doesn't actually want Ginger to ever leave - but he knows he should leave that door unlocked for him.) So he wouldn't promise easily. But... if they had to promise, he thinks that's the only way he'd concede. )
... I guess... I could tell you now, though. Since I'm not going anywhere...
( Their locked-up larp... Mika doesn't want to go anywhere, either. He'd be happy spending the next obscene amount of time just in this room, photosyntheizing through Ginger's presence alone. He really doesn't want to remember other people exist yet. )
no subject
If we have to, then only together.
[ If they’re together, he’d prefer to leave the door locked. Unlocked and Mika could leave - and if he asks to leave alone, what can Ginger do? So together is best, chained to each other like this. ]
You might be uncomfortable if I tie you down, so you’ll just have to stay in my lap. But you’ll get a lot of hugs in exchange.
[ It’s a pretty fair deal. ]
no subject
That sounds like I'm getting the better end of the deal. What do you get for the hugs, when I already give you kisses for free?
( As if to demonstrate, he presses a light kiss besides Ginger's eye - his demon eye. )
... Do you want to tie me up?
( He's already taken the locking up remarks in stride, so he can't exactly pause here, but... it's certainly new. (It should be worrying, and the part of him capable of logic retains that understanding, but he's been so inundated with Ginger's feelings it's hard to divorce this sort of thing from the overwhelming affection it's attached to.) )
/2
I get you.
no subject
Um - to me, metaphorically.
[ Mostly. ]
no subject
( ///... One was so cool and romantic??? And this one is just sweet. What's a Mika supposed to do?
He gently squishes cups Ginger's cheeks, but this time, instead of a squeeze, he kisses him on the lips proper, and he lets it stay before he parts his mouth to speak. )
... I'd tie myself to you without you having to ask. ( It's not uncomfortable. ) 's not like I need anything else.
( Mika is someone who would do so bad if he were in love with someone who wouldn't treat him kindly, and would probably end up a body on the nine o'clock news sooner or later, but thankfully that's not the case with Ginger. )
... But I'm way happier, um... knowing it's not just me alone. ( Both of them tied down? Still - "Happier"... It's weird to think of himself as happy, but he is right now, with Ginger. ) I kept telling myself that I shouldn't force anyone to stay, if they ever changed their mind, I guess. Not that— I'd never hold it against anyone, or anything.
( But this is way better. )
no subject
[ It’s in the way Mika lives, how he reacts to the joys of life and of love, how fear and doubt temper his dazzling light sometimes. Mika’s heart doesn’t beat audibly, no, but - it shudders and shakes and hums with warmth, Ginger’s sure.
And - Mika doesn’t hold it against anyone, but Ginger holds it against Yuu even if Yuu had chosen to stay (he doesn’t know; he doesn’t care) - because he’s not here now with Mika. Where is he? Why isn’t he here? Unfathomable. ]
So you should stay - here. With me, um, permanently. [ And then he adds anxiously: ] Ahh… I rushed it this time, but I’ll ask again - properly down on my knee, with flowers.
no subject
... That makes it sound like a proposal.
( He assumes Ginger's just being sweet, though, and there's nothing sweeter than the fantasy of a happy ending like that. And if Ginger hears it now, then surely it must be an echo of his own; their own, right now.
Everything Ginger does is nectar to the nth degree, really; Mika only worries he doesn't offer enough back. That Ginger is content just with him and him alone is - it feels unfair. Ginger may say this is enough, but Mika will only want to give him more back the more Ginger insists. )
no subject
I… guess…? I’m proposing we stay together.
[ Ah, wait, Mika did bring up marriage earlier. ‘I've only thought about... marriage, and stuff, he’d said.
Ginger tilts his head curiously. ]
Did you want… the other kind of proposal? Was… marriage something you wanted - before?
no subject
Should I wait until you get flowers to give you my answer?
( As if his answer weren't incredibly obvious, from Mika's perspective.
Though he does redden very slightly when Ginger asks if he "wants" a proposal, he pauses to consider it. )
... Well, I'd say yes if you asked.
( That doesn't answer Ginger's questions, but he gives it anyway. Does that spoil his answer for Ginger's actual proposal? Maybe there can still be faux suspense. But he can tell marriage is the furthest thing from Ginger's mind, so he says it more like it's more a funny little idea, than anything.
By way of explanation, so Ginger doesn't think he's a weirdo who expects long term commitment or anything: )
... I used to play house a lot with the other orphans - they were all even younger than me, so they loved it. It was fun being the mom, or dad, and stuff... but...
( He rubs his thumb idly at the crook of Ginger's neck, the way he does to the hilt of his sword when he's uncomfortable.
His instinct is to continue talking about the orphans - but, Ginger did ask earlier to know more about him, didn't he...? )
... Well, my parents didn't exactly have a good marriage. ( Because of him. That was his fault. ) They were probably happy at the start, and then things changed. And they were both probably stuck in it, at that point. So...
( How could he even dream of asking that of someone else?
(... Regardless of the firm commitment his heart adores, in every form.) )
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[ Which is basically him saying don’t leave, ever.
He whispers, ‘cute…’ at the playing house talk, but. His ears redden when Mika mentions playing mom or dad because - children with Mika in the future, being a family in that sense… he would like that a lot, he thinks. ]
I just think it’s a given that we’re committed to each other for life, so a marriage is… a nice extra…? But - it sounds like your parents forgot each other because the idea of marriage was more important.
I don’t want to commit to a marriage; I want to be committed to you, Mika, for - for forever.
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Really, he hadn't answered directly because - he wasn't sure, himself, if he hoped it. He liked this fairytale idea of a married, family life - and he knew it could exist, if miracles like Ginger's parents could happen. But was he allowed to have that?
But Ginger's always like a breath of fresh air, and the rubbing hesitates. Committed for life... It's not a new vow, but he softens hearing it; his chest feels full. (A kiss isn't enough, he has to die for him,) )
... Yeah. ( He says this dumbly - he feels dumb, for answering so simply; Ginger's always so romantic with his words. He punctuates it, instead, with a kiss. ) You're - way more important than a ring, or a promise. I'll always care for... you, as you are.
( Not the institution; not the words, or exchanged gifts. )
... So I will wait. Every night. And if you ever want to propose for marriage... I'll wait a second time, too.
( And he lets the kiss linger here, deeply - and yet still a little flustered, a little clueless, not that much unlike his first try, like it's all still new.
Let the nights turn to months turn to years, if they want; he'd spend them all by Ginger's side, gladly.
He'll break it only when Ginger needs to breathe, but he seems reluctant even then, too. )
... It wasn't really, my parent's fault... that they ended up that way. But... um, even though I don't know what - I guess, a normal sort of life really looks like... ( Like, among couples, ) I do like thinking about what it'd be like, living with you. Like... when we were talking about sharing an apartment... that sort of thing.
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[ Marriage is a fun idea, but it’s not really all that common in Heaven, and it certainly doesn’t have the same significance as in the human world. But as Ginger takes a breath after their kiss, keeping their faces close - so close, so reluctant to be apart any more than that, he realizes - oh. That doesn’t matter. Because he’s not going back to Heaven, is he…?
He’s not yet ready to let go of Rum, or his family, or his… coworkers. His stomach twists painfully as he imagines the day arriving. But he will, if that’s what it takes to stay with Mika. And Mika… Can he leave this world - can he bear to part from the moon? If he really is moon sick in some way…
The hand caressing Mika’s face slides to the back of his head, carefully encouraging him back in for another kiss, just as deep with Ginger’s brand of neediness where he steals Mika’s tongue for his own, keeping it relentlessly occupied. To keep Mika, he would do anything. That truth rings clear in his soul.
He couldn’t bear to leave him, that would be too cruel when Mika’s meant to be loved. Just like this. ]
I’ll always choose you, Mika. [ A hush murmur against the side of his lips. ] You’ll never have to wait for my answer. Let’s build a life together.
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Still - Ginger's words feel sincere. Mika doesn't feel it like a wave of emotion, but Ginger sounds as honest as he has been when Mika could feel how he felt. )
... Please.
( Soft; stronger than a yes, than an okay, than an I want to, too; a gentle pleading, for this dream to come true. But...
He presses his lips to Ginger's again, this time briefly, gently caressing where his neck meets his jaw. )
... What's wrong?
( And now Mika worries, too. Did he finally recognize some flaw inherent to a life with Mika? Did he want to scale back his commitment? Maybe Mika had said something offbeat. Maybe it was the comment about change. Is he worried Mika's feelings might change, one day? Maybe Mika didn't seem very sincere. )
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I was just wondering if… we would stay here in this world, after all. Where we would live.
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... You wouldn't go back home?
( And this question is asked with a bit of contradiction. Ginger going home is one reason Mika had felt they couldn't be together forever; surely, once Mika's service was up here, he'd also be returned to where he came from... right?
But also - he had imagined vaguely scenarios where Ginger did go home, and Mika had somehow followed, and then Ginger had met Rum again, and then...
But in all these permutations, he'd never thought Ginger would remain here - or that Mika could, either. He never thought that was an option. )
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[ He thinks that’s answer enough, really. ]
I learned from my parents that love is a compromise - in a good way, even if the decisions aren’t… easy. They’re worth it in the end.
[ It’s not easy to stay, but it’s impossible for him to leave Mika. He can - and has - handled missing Rum, missing his family. But not Mika… ]
And I know you’ll think this because you’re sweet and good, but you’re not making me give them up - and I’m not giving them up. Eternity means maybe one day, our paths will cross again. Don’t you think?
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Mika does, immediately, think Ginger's giving something up to be with him - something extremely important; his family, his home, Rum - and Ginger pre-empts him and reassures him, and Ginger remains somewhat uneasy, but he does... listen.
He'd never thought of eternity as a thing of hope, before. That he could be with Ginger for that length assigned it more than enough value, in his eyes. That it could serve Ginger in some tangible way was something he had not even considered.
(... He wonders if that means he could one day see Yuu, too...? Somehow, somehow...) )
... Maybe it's not impossible...
( It feels so unlikely, though. But if Ginger wants this, then Mika will believe it, and see that it's made possible. )
... But are you sure? If eternity means our paths might cross again, like you said... you could choose to return, and... I could stay here, and wait for you.
( It's amazing for Mika to suggest this when they've just established that they don't want to be away from each other, such that they need daily respite from having to exist with other people, but it's clear in Mika's gaze he's only thinking about Ginger.
Of course Mika wants him to stay. Of course he was visibly happy when Ginger said he would choose him, like Mika had asked he always do, so earnestly. But he isn't thinking about himself. Just Ginger; always Ginger. But he might be focused too much on what should be good for Ginger, rather than what is - his eternal bad habit. )
... Even if it'd take a thousand thousand years, I'd still love you all the while.
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[ Affectionate, but unyielding. It’s not a choice that’s for him. In no world will he ever choose to leave Mika behind to wait for someone like him. When he can barely stand to be apart from Mika, when he misses him when they're a room away from each other.
A world away? He couldn’t. Unless -
But the next part, he has to close his eyes for, words like glass in his throat. He forces them out slow, because this - is important to say. He won’t even regret saying it. ]
You could - do the same. You could go back to Yuu. I’ll stay and wait.
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Yuu had felt like something forbidden, a dream, so long as it stayed in his heart, on his lips. Ginger speaking it made him real, as if - he'd chanted it thrice in a mirror, and then, there Yuu was.
It's for the best Ginger's eyes are closed, so he doesn't see the way Mika's face colors bright, like a person waiting anxiously at the station, hoping for someone to arrive. It's the simple concept of seeing Yuu again that affects him, before the rest of him even thinks about how that asks him to think about Ginger. )
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But - no. He did think about being with Yuu first, and not that it meant being away from Ginger, if only for a split second. And that - he feels awful for that. He... does love Ginger - he does love him, he knows this now much more surely. And he loves Yuu, he loves Yuu, but it smolders in his heart different; this constant, low kindle. When he compares the two sensations, he can feel their distinctions, even if he can't articulate them well. And yet, he still...
But he considers also - and belatedly - the way Ginger suggested it. He named Yuu, alone. Maybe because he doesn't know much else about Mika's home, but maybe... Mika has given Ginger sincere reason to believe he would choose Yuu over Ginger. Given he thought of Yuu first, maybe Ginger's impression isn't unfounded.
He's awful.
(Mika ignores how he had just offered Ginger something similar, because Mika had been thinking of all Ginger's important company - and he ignores his jealousy toward Rum earlier, because that was not a lack of loyalty, on Ginger's part; that was, of course, Mika to blame. And here, Mika is also to blame. It's not Ginger's fault. It never is.)
(... But in an iteration where he thinks of Ginger first - perhaps in their future - he'll feel guilty for not thinking of Yuu first, too. He can't win. And it'll be a long time before he can approach it in a way that's fair to himself.)
He wishes, unfairly, he did have a snapshot into Ginger here, to know for sure how he feels. But Mika decides... the prospects don't seem promising. Ginger must be hurt. )
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He gently pulls his head back, and he cups Ginger's face in his hands with the least affection he's touched him with so far; it's guilty, not so much touching him as he is a conduit of apology. His palms only barely brush his skin.
His voice is soft: )
... I'm sorry that I've made you think I would.
( A hesitant beat. )
... I could go back. ( And this is very slightly different than what he's been saying - I can't, I can't. ) If I went back... I think I'd go back to how things were, when I left. I died. And when a vampire dies, the body goes and their soul remains... and becomes a demon.
( It's hard for Mika to imagine what it means to become a demon when he dies. It's scary, but it's so abstract. He'd always refrained from mentioning it because Ginger's struggle with his demon side is so heavy and tangible, that for Mika to complain about technically being some kind of fledgling demon spawn felt so small, so cosmetic in comparison.
So normally, he wouldn't mention this much; but it seems ... directly relevant. It feels more honest. )
... I wouldn't have my memories, as a demon. ( If he can still even consider that... himself. Maybe him in name alone, by categorization of soul. ) But I know I'd find Yuu-chan anyway. I'm sure I would protect him, if it really is my soul that stays.
( He's clearly thought about this. He's thought about this a lot. And it would be ... enough for the current him to satisfy himself with, if he - were protecting Yuu in some way, even if he didn't realize it. He was at peace with going back, and letting himself lay down his guilt in death, and let his spirit rise in eternal servitude.
It's a curse. It's meant to be a curse, to never let damned soul rest. First as a vampire, then as a demon. But guarding Yuu into eternity could never be a curse to him, if God would only let him. He's so sure that even as an amnesiac, even as a demon, his ugly, wretched soul would find it fulfilling.
But.
His hands fall from Ginger's face, gently. )
... I can't. Not without you. I don't want to forget you, even if I'd find you, too. And even if— even if I didn't forget— I don't want to... be with Yuu-chan, if it means I can't be with you.
( Oh, that physically pains him to say, but it's - it's true. It's true, and he knows it, even as it runs thorns through his heart. )
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…
No. No, he doesn’t regret saying it. He knew he had to. And… someone has to put Mika first, when Yuu won’t. When Mika won’t. There’s no regret in loving Mika. ]
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But he’s too much of a coward to say that and the silence told him all he needs to know. Strange how the words cut like glass going up, and even worse when he swallows them down, embedding themselves into his stomach to stay. To remember. He wishes he could be numb with the knowledge, but it has always been in the back of his mind - it’s on him to have done something about it.
It’s not Mika’s fault. He can’t help it if Yuu comes first for him; Yuu’s existed in his heart first, the space made for him solid and perfectly etched. Ginger would never fit there. Could never, no matter how much he folds into himself. It didn’t work - with Rum. It won’t work here either.
And even as a demon, he’s sure Mika’s soul would shine bright and dazzling if it’s with Yuu. That it would remember all it needs to remember and that’s one name alone.
(But why… is it always Mika who protects Yuu but never the other way around…? He hates it. That, too, burns sharp when he swallows it down.)
It hurts. Of course - it does. But that doesn’t mean Mika doesn’t love him the way he says. It doesn’t mean Mika doesn’t accept all of him, the way he’s always insisted so warmly. He could come second, he could settle with that, if loving him second still allows him this much of Mika’s affection. And whatever deep hurt there is, he… thinks, if he could, he’d gather it up and store it where he holds all his tender feelings about Rum. He’s - not hiding his feelings - he just doesn’t know what to do with them yet. It wouldn’t be fair to show Mika when this isn’t something he can change; when nothing about this is his fault.
Ginger can come second. Ginger can wait. Maybe this is the most selfless he’s been about love, ever. He could simply not be made to be put first, not easily - not when most people are used to putting only one thing first and he’s two incomplete things. Twice the effort, zero gain. ]
It’s okay… [ It is, it is. Mika can’t help what he feels. His heart learned to beat with Yuu in it, then stopped - with Yuu in it. And Ginger is - … Ginger catches his hand and presses his lips to the familiar palm, cool and warm. Not exactly a kiss, but a small claim to ground himself. He loves and is loved. This is a truth. ] I would still wait, for you. So don’t tear yourself apart if - if one day, you need to go home. You’ll bring the sun and the stars with you, when you come back for our hour. I’m sure.
[ He’s relieved, in a way, that Mika’s soul will still remain even if his memories are gone. That some part of his soul could linger and do what Mika longs for it to do. If it were Ginger, if he forgot Mika… he would - all the heat in him would finally melt him away to nothing, missing what he can’t remember. ]
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There is guilt. There's enough guilt to drown in. But he's scared. There's dread. It's the sort of thing you'd feel when you come to, and you see your love laid there bleeding, and you look down in your hands, and you see the knife.
How does he fix this?
(He can't.)
But he—
He does get that window, with that final remark. And the way the feeling floods into him from that small panel does make it hard to speak. )
It's not.
( Faltering, but he manages - something. Nothing useful, as always. )
It's not okay— Ginger. It's not. I don't—
( He takes his hand from Ginger (sorry, sorry), he takes his face again - he shouldn't have let go the first time - he turns Ginger's face up, he tries to look him in the eye, he tries not to look like he's going to cry, Ginger's feelings still echoing in him. )
I don't want to leave you behind. I'm not going to. Okay? I don't— Ginger, I love you. Yuu-chan's... he's my family. You're... family too, but you're— more than that.
( He stumbles over the words, trying to find - an explanation of his heart that isn't just circumstance, that isn't just that Yuu has moved on, that he himself is dead and gone. It's the hardest thing, trying to name the color of his feelings. )
I just... it's different. And I miss him. I miss him a lot. But I... Yuu-chan is— someone I miss. But you're a part of me. How could I... choose him over my own heart...?
( He swallows, his gaze dropping; assuming, already, his overture would fail, no matter how sincere. Every mistake in his life has been irrevocable, and all the moments between have him growing complacent. Does it matter if he insists he'd choose Ginger, if he's made Ginger believe one day he won't?
... But if he could change himself, somehow... )
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