( Mika... frowns. Ginger's concerns are layered; there's a lot here, he thinks, that these few words are tangled up in - a greater picture he can't completely see, that occupies Ginger's internal world.
He and Ginger have been close - physically closer, even, than he's been to Yuu; intimacy is comfortable with Ginger, because Ginger took it early and Mika grew used to it. Ginger has been open with him; has set his bleeding heart in Mika's hands and has told him look, you can have this. Ginger has said he loves him. He says it again, here. He says there are these things he wants to do with him, that Mika is his most important - and he punctuates it now with but I can do this however you want this. It feels like - it feels like, he's saying those feelings don't matter. But they matter to Mika.
Mika doesn't need a label, exactly - there is no necessary shift in hierarchy between romance and sex and family, to him. His world has never been so complex, so large. What - frustrates him here, as warm as Ginger is to him, is how it feels like Ginger would reshape himself for him.
And it frustrates him, because Mika would do the same thing for him, too.
His fingers dig firm into Ginger's shoulders and he pulls him down - against the bed, against the soft and stained covers, and he looks down at him from above, and he snatches up his hand. He squeezes it, stubbornly. )
I love you, too. ( As family, as Ginger, as the most important person to him here. ) And I know you know I'd say the same things to you. I'd do this however you want it. I'd like you how you like it. And I know you know you wouldn't like that.
( So he's not happy!! Ginger is doing this either!!! Because they really are similar, they had it figured out their first meeting and then they started stumbling through it again. They're so stupid - really, really stupid, he thinks. )
I want to figure out a way for us to be that makes us both happy. Can I have that? I hate that you keep... pulling away from me. I know it's because you hate this part of you. But I want to be allowed to love it, too. I just... want to try— and I want to hear what you like, what you want. Your possessive thoughts, your heady thoughts. Eventually, even if it's not now.
( Their position's weird, but he makes it work - interlocking their fingers, like Ginger did to him that first day in Mika's room, in a way that's become more common since. )
Because you're the only one who's made me feel like I'm not just some ugly beast. And I want to do the same for you, too. If I get to have eternity, then I'm going to spend forever on it. I'll promise it, if I have to.
[ Ginger falls back onto the bed with no resistance and ends up with a fascinating view. From this angle, Mika looks like the sun, golden hair a halo. It reminds him of a spring day. Ginger was right. Mika is so lovely. It’s his heart, his persistent kindness; it’s the way he looks at Ginger.
It’s the way he would reshape himself for Ginger - and he’s right, Ginger does hate it.
He knows they shouldn’t have to do that for each other, but it’s habit by now. He should’ve chosen to be a demon long ago, but Rum likes angels. He’s terrible at angelic reformation, but that’s what it takes to stay Rum’s partner. He doesn’t think of these things as sacrifices, just what was necessary to keep Rum. And so far, Rum has accepted what he sees.
He doesn’t just want to be accepted; he wants to be loved.
And Mika is trying to love him as best he can. Has listened to Ginger’s heart and, somehow, only found himself lacking instead of Ginger. Which is crazy. He’s Mika. ]
You’d think… I would know better by now, when we keep telling each other the same things. [ Said like an apology. Mika has one hand, and Ginger reaches with his other to caress his face. It’s not just affection, there’s heat in his touch. ] Don’t promise, Mika - I love you, I’m listening.
Really listening this time.
I think we’ll keep stumbling, but you’ll catch me. [ He’s clumsy, it happens. ] And I’ll catch you. Instead of putting either one of us first, let’s try to put ourselves next to each other. How’s that - to start? Would that work?
( There's a tension between Mika's brows that dissipates as Ginger starts to speak, his expression softening with a hint of surprise. When he'd talk to Yuu, he had to shout to be heard - and even then, there was really no changing Yuu's path once he's begun it. Ginger isn't like that. He hasn't been like that so far. But Mika's just used to - things just not working out, at their most critical juncture.
And some part of him had resigned to a near future of trying to figure out how to help Ginger for him while Ginger held fast to his worries. And he would have been glad to do it, regardless. He would have forgiven Ginger, and not thought twice of it. Because he does care for Ginger that much. He's worth the cost.
But Ginger hears him, he thinks. He feels it in his touch, and he wants to believe it in his words. And some part of him hesitates, still - it needles him, and it asks him if he's really allowed to be equal with Ginger. Bright in Mika's heart, melting its ice. But despite its cruelty, he presses his cheek into Ginger's palm. He tries to hear Ginger's voice instead of his own. )
... Okay. ( He squeezes Ginger's hand, as much for himself as for Ginger. ) Okay.
( A hesitant beat. What should he say here? There's so much he feels - you make me really happy; thank you for trying to make this work out, with me; thank you for thinking so much of me, even though I don't deserve it - he could go on, and on. He might not even have the words for everything he feels.
But, when he tries to put it all together, what comes out is something a little quiet, a little vulnerable, and a strange sort of happy - a simple: )
... Thank you.
( And he does lean down, as far as he needs to until Ginger does whatever he's thinking of. )
[ Ginger smiles his answer and there’s warm relief - that they have, so far, always managed to come together to create an understanding.
He had said once that he wanted to take care of Mika’s heart, something only possible because they’re similar enough. When he feels tethered by his own feelings, it’s Mika who reaches out, broaching the subject, careful of the tender gaps in his heart. It’s easier to speak then, and easier to listen and learn.
He’s okay with it if it takes another hundred years to learn everything about Mika. He’ll never get tired of it; he’s… eager.
Which - he’s never felt before. Learning another person - learning Rum was always associated with anxiety, a revelation of impending disappointment, and Ginger always stalls before disappointment becomes heartache becomes heartbreak.
His heart… aches a little now, in a new way.
His hand brushes past Mika’s cheek, sliding into his hair. He leans up as Mika leans down and meets the other in the middle. Light as a feather, delicate in touch, he kisses Mika. It may be a clumsy thing, a brief thing - he doesn’t know how to do it exactly right, not at this angle - but Mika wants to try loving this part of Ginger.
So carefully, just a little, he gives him this. ]
… Now you know that part.
[ If he still wants to try. But it’s okay if he doesn’t. ]
( It's a heat that blooms from his lips to his cheeks like a ripple in the water, his gaze colored at first surprise with surprise - and then, the sensation sinking in. His heart doesn't thump. He knows that. It shouldn't stir; it doesn't move. So why does it feel now like it does?
Did he feel like this with Yuu? He isn't sure. Maybe. Probably. (He had always associated every good feeling with Yuu, in the end.) But he'd never done this with Yuu; had never thought this far, when keeping him alive was the preoccupying priority.
He hadn't thought of a kiss as more than a mechanical thing, either. He understood it as an impulse for Ginger to contend with, and an act Mika probably wouldn't mind. He hadn't thought of it as a conduit for feeling. He hadn't thought of it as something that could provoke this lingering fullness in the decaying caverns of his chest. Maybe for others, but never for him.
He feels like he's learning a little bit about these sorts of things he thought lost to him, with Ginger. Some of these things are a little bit overwhelming, and a little bit scary. Some of these things make him worried, and make him think he's unworthy. Ginger is a lot; he's right. But he can't find himself repelled. It feels a little like taking hold of the sun.
And that's okay. He's okay with it, so long as it's Ginger. )
... Ah...
( He gazes down at him, red-cheeked and eyes a little wide, and it's hard to see Ginger's face from this close, but he thinks - maybe, what he likes most is how Ginger looks now.
Almost a murmur, almost talking to himself: )
... I didn't know... a kiss could feel that way.
( A mirror of what Ginger had said earlier. And he would have to think on it, why Ginger could move his heart such that it felt almost like it could beat. (Because he's family, he wonders?) But later. Later. Right now... Right now...
His lips part again, and he hesitates, his gaze falling lidded. Would Ginger mind? Ginger can always say no - he hopes he knows that. Would it be okay to at least ask? )
... Can I learn a little more?
( Can I try to kiss you, too?— is what he means to say. )
[ Ginger didn’t either. He’d only ever tried once before - unsuccessfully. A good thing, too, because he thinks he would have hated himself a little more if he’d been. Maybe it would have been nice in the moment, but not after. No, not after.
So - a kiss feels like that with someone you love.
He wonders if the kiss had felt the same for them both, even a little. Like his love and lust had trickled into the same cup and somehow, that single kiss was enough to cause it to overflow and pool liquid heat and heady need all over his body, its spread slow and persistent. Filling every gap in him.
What did the pretty flush on Mika’s face mean? Did he like it? … Could he love it? Ginger… wants to chase it with his mouth and find out. A mouth that right now is only capable of saying: ]
Please.
[ Please, I want it. Please, do it. Please, take. Whatever you want. Anything you want.
He’s glad that he’s down here, so that Mika can control their pace. They can stop whenever Mika wants to. He can pull back and Ginger will stay where he’s at, straining against his greed.
How strange it feels, to hear his own heart mirrored back to him; how satisfying it is, to know someone feels the same.
Mika, for a moment, hesitates - all at once preoccupied with how he should kiss him; how he wanted to; and he's not so used to wanting something so abstract. Just the same way, again? Is there some other way to manage?
He squeezes Ginger's hand slightly, and lifts his head; seeing him better, even if at the opposite angle. He wonders if Rum ever saw this. He wonders if Rum ever appreciated the privilege. With tenderness, with care, he lifts his hand and brushes, slightly, Ginger's bangs from his face, fingertips so barely brushing across skin. Hot-cheeked and almost drunken (maybe a little bit because of the lingering scent of unhealed wounds), Mika seems like - he's holding onto something precious, something he wants to admire.
Sorry for lingering; he's bad at not. He's just always wanted someone he could so wholly adore.
Not yet had his fill of gazing at Ginger (it's fine, he's fine, he's normal) but at odds with a mounting curiosity, a want to kiss him again, and so he pulls away - the hand at his face and the hand in Ginger's own (sorry) so he can support himself as he shifts beside Ginger. He wants to kiss him like this, he thinks. He wants to try it, even if it feels a little more intimate - intimidating - exciting?, to face him proper.
But it's a lot less overwhelming once he sinks into it; he cups Ginger's face, first, and leans in - a soft kiss, still chaste - he doesn't consider yet that they can be deeper - but lasting a little longer. A sweet kiss. And it lingers. Even as it seems time to end, he's slow to part - and this time, he doesn't pull his face away far, even if it means he can't see Ginger well, with their lips still so close. )
[ Linger more - he soaks in the attention, as if he’s been deprived until now. And in a way, yeah, he has - ever since the awareness of his lust took root. Who else has ever reached out and touched him so tenderly, knowing his desires lay exposed? Or kissed him on his hungry mouth? Is it any wonder that Ginger’s red-tinged eyes watch Mika like he’s the only star in the sky, carrying Ginger’s beating heart.
Mika’s kiss - ah, it’s soft and so, so sweet. And he hasn’t even tasted Mika yet, not really.
(He can’t help but wonder.)
When Mika pulls away, Ginger nearly chases, mouth opening to catch. He stops short of their lips brushing again. Two kisses is more than he’d imagined ever possible when the idea of desiring Mika shifted from impossible to steadily, terrifyingly possible. Inevitable? Should he have known?
And he doesn’t just like it. ]
… Love it. [ As though he couldn’t admit the first without adding the second: ] Love you.
[ It only feels this good because their hearts have connected in this wondrous way. ]
( It might be bad for Mika - Mika, in particular, and the fixated way he lives - to feel so attached. Mika vacillates with his worries, but what he worries for himself doesn't stick. There will remain that lingering concern that he's falling too hard, too fast; that will be that fear of what it means to like someone so much, fresh off the heels of Yuu. There should be - really, for Mika in particular - an understanding that demons and angels are not creatures to make light of, to dismiss as subservient to the greater concept of Ginger.
But it's hard to think much of it in the face of Ginger's smile, his wanting eyes. All dangers are easy to love when they keen and heel and put their paw in your hand.
He leans the small portion his weight a little against Ginger's chest as he keeps their lesser distance, a faint smile curling his lips as Ginger worries - his cheeks particularly hot, from the way Ginger says love, love you, so easy, the way he gives it freely.
Could he love this part of Ginger - Ginger, as a whole? Maybe brashly, maybe in that stupid youthful way, maybe emboldened because he feels so strongly this connection, he thinks he could. It's intimate and new and stirs him in ways he doesn't fully understand, but he's so sure he could love him, because... )
... Yeah. Because it's you.
( And Ginger feels like being with Yuu, but without that constant fear. )
[ Yes. He said yes. Fluttering heart like it wants to burst out of Ginger and fly to Mika, to settle on his shoulder next to that smile. To rest next to the warmest part of him - his cheeks. Content, finally detached from the wants of Ginger’s body.
For two kisses and the rare beauty of Mika’s smile. That’s good; that’s enough. He will never stop wanting more, but he tells himself that Mika is more than enough, more than he deserves - always.
His arms slide around Mika, hips first, then the small of his back, now that he thinks he can contain the urge to plead for one more kiss. Instead - instead he’d rather show his feelings in a different way. Brushing their noses together, all affection and playfulness - because he’s happy, he’s happy. If that doesn’t show it, there’s his soft, curling lips and smiling eyes.
(Never mind the needy, stiff heat between his legs. It’s there, has been, but for once, the shame doesn’t gnaw at him as insistently. Just an afterthought this time.)
(It wants Mika, after all, and Ginger has him.) ]
Thank you, Mika. [ He wants to learn better words for this. In time, after some practice. But the most the important word he wants to whisper is just Mika’s name anyway. ] Can you please stay tonight? You can take from me - I’m yours, but I want to make sure you can rest where it’s safe.
( Had he ever seen Ginger so happy, without trace of doubt, so seemingly untroubled by who he was? This choice was right - this, Mika believes. How could something that lights Ginger with such a sunset glow emerge from a path mislaid? And, for once, Mika feels neither responsible nor guilty - critical of his own faltering steps, unsure of how to handle this relationship with someone so new, and yet, startlingly dear.
It's not like he'd been smiling brightly or a lot, but his cheeks already hurt - softening the way Ginger noses him, holds him, Mika's own fingers curling against Ginger's cheek.
Of course, he does feel the need - and though he's gotten kind of used to it by now (based on how often Ginger volunteers for feedings), for once his mind does sort of wander, thinking - maybe Ginger would be a little less guarded about this sort of thing with him now? But he still has a lot to learn; he underestimates it less. He barely knew kissing could feel nice, and among these gestures, he still - wants to learn more about them, for as long as Ginger was willing. )
... Okay.
( Warm-cheeked, a smile still on his lips, nearly matching Ginger's own. He doesn't need to think about his answer; of course he'd stay, would want to stay, even if Ginger hadn't offered.
But if there is mention of safety - the warmth in his face fades as concern ripples through his expression again. )
Wait, but - you need a healer, first. Your back - can it get infected? Will you bleed out?
( Ginger's not human, but what if...?? He takes Ginger's face in both hands with care, looking him in his twilight eyes. )
Are you sure it's okay? It's not sore? Is there anything I should know?
[ Oh, but the soft radiance of Mika’s new smile. If it were a sound, he thinks it would be mellisonant in song, meant to make his heart tremble. Angels tend to pick a person, a duty to devote themselves to if they cannot pick God, Himself. Ginger suspects (when he’s clearheaded) that’s why his possessiveness borders on obsession. He’s the worst of both worlds. He could worship Mika now, and it would feel right.
(He thinks… he wants to worship him all over, every snow-pale inch.)
Mika’s so beautiful in this moment that it takes Ginger whole seconds to blink out of his adoration. He sees a little less warmth and a little more worry. ]
I… don’t think… he was aiming all that well at the time. [ And maybe some part of Khun had realized that spearing through Ginger would likely pierce through him as well. ] I’ll get a healer in the morning - I think the spelled towel will do for tonight. It’s… somewhere in here.
[ When he gets his brain to work again, he’ll summon it to them. ]
I guess… it’s sore… [ Trying to be honest in his answers. He can’t really feel it - there’s too many other important things to feel. And once those things settle, he won’t even mind the pain. A reminder of - all the bad and good from tonight. He needs it to hurt, he thinks. ] But… I don’t want to be away from you, not after what happened.
My heart… [ Needs Mika to stay close. ] … needs you more than my body needs healing. Is that… alright?
( In the furrow of his brows it's clear enough that Mika is hesitating - his need to be certain that Ginger is okay, will be okay, his resentment toward himself for the absence of his ability to heal, at odds with the warm ripples Ginger sends through his chest.
But Ginger is so earnest and loving in a way Mika has missed so dearly, and it comes too in shades he hasn't yet experienced from Yuu - shades he has always, always wanted desperately, but has never known. (How greedy it is, to want to be loved, instead of selflessly devoting yourself to another.) It's hard not to believe him, when Mika has always been weak to those led by their hearts, regardless of his own reason.
...
He brings their foreheads together again, noses brushing, lips close, like before. )
... Only if you really will be okay. ( A gentle plea, but one that suggests he's trying to listen to Ginger's voice instead of his own fear's, for once. ) I can't give you my eternity if you disappear.
( "Disappear" being the mildest way to put it, but his chest would seize to think of it as any worse - when all he wants to do is set Ginger's affection in his empty chest instead, let himself feel a mimicry of living again. (Selfish, selfish, but is it okay as long as Ginger likes selfish?)
This time, he closes that slight distance between their lips - they brush together slightly, not fully a kiss, but a little more than the playful nosing Ginger did earlier. It's experimental. But if this sort of thing can convey feeling, maybe this small gesture can serve as an underline. )
... I'm here. I'll always be here. So... you can rest.
I won’t disappear. [ With the conviction of a promise he can’t say. ] Because…
[ His future with Mika is currently simple, like the beginnings of a dream. A small idea to start: the two of them. Followed by scenes that fill out slow but bleed fast with all the colors of their feelings. Endless is the space of it, waiting to be filled. The colors and a memory inspire him - ‘I didn't think I could like flowers anymore.’ ]
Because I - [ Distracted by the almost kiss, their lips brushing together as Mika speaks, Mika’s breath on his lips. After: ] … That’s not fair, Mika. How can I rest after that?
[ How can I resist after that?
A hook through his heart that reels him in; a grasp on his tie that invites more if he stays close. He really was going to be good after two kisses, but this is two and a half - two and a lingering, lingering half. He wants to see it finished into three.
So he presses in, savoring the sweet note of Mika’s breath, marveling at the softness of his lips. He tries to keep it chaste still, but the longer this kiss continues, the harder that is to do. He should - pull back. A scant distance between them that might as well not be there. Just a little, just to finish his earlier train of thought: ]
Mm… I want to spend eternity building you a garden.
[ Inside and out. A garden in real life, full of all the flowers he can think of - and one inside Mika, so Mika can maybe one day believe - even just a little - that he is not so dead inside. ]
( The faintest ah escapes him into their kiss, but this time not breathy, not warm; it's gently surprise, a heart's beat of excitement, when love lands and finds its mark. He kisses - back, in his unfamiliar and uncertain way, his fingers slipping back around to lock behind Ginger's neck.
He understands himself as a creature created with a cosmological failing so fundamental he cannot even grasp it. He exists only to protect those he cares for. And so for every ounce of fluttering, startling happiness he feels now, he'd return it back to Ginger with interest. But Ginger keeps giving - Ginger calls himself greedy, but he keeps giving, even as he takes his lips from Mika's, because he replaces it with something just as warm.
It might be the first time in the long time his eyes feel a little wet from something besides something hurting him. He should - he should protest. He could spend an eternity in devotion in Ginger (and Ginger would be with Rum, and Mika would support him even so) and that would be balanced, but Ginger spending on eternity on him? That's - unfair. That's terrible, to Ginger. Even if Ginger's with Rum, while he does it. Even then.
But this garden of Ginger's feelings makes him so, so happy. Happy in a way he can't even begin to compare to a moment Yuu - it occupies a different axis, in a wholly different vector. It's a piece of his heart just for Ginger. (Maybe it's more than a piece.)
Almost like he doesn't know what to do with himself, he rests his head lightly against the crook of his neck, Ginger's pulse so, so close. If Mika had his own pulse, it might be frantic - or entirely stunned.
In a small, small voice: )
... Why me?
( What did he do for Ginger to find him so worthy? This isn't the real question, though. Ginger is kind - so, so kind. He could spin gold from straw, he thinks. Whatever sweet thing he might mention, Mika might struggle to believe it.
What he really means - what his heart hangs from like a lifeline, is this: )
[ His heart chose as it saw fit. Just like when he was born with Rum, somehow - without rhyme or reason, Rum became his everything. It wasn’t any one thing that the other boy did. Ginger knows better than anyone that he will never win against himself. He has never won, even once.
If his heart has chosen, that’s it.
Along the way, Mika became the most important one to him - and the romantic that Ginger is thinks maybe this path was always his to take. It would be a relief if… standing at the end of his path… was someone who just accepted all of him. He thinks… that’s Mika, and the light of his kindness has exposed nearly all of Ginger’s writhing selfish desires. And the rest, Mika would hold it with care if he knew. Ginger thinks; Ginger hopes. ]
… I don’t know why - I just know that I’m right to choose you. When all I want to do is say your name.
[ He does realize he says it a lot, and thinks it even more. Mika has become synonymous with love, with comfort, with safe. ]
I don’t have a reason for why it shouldn’t be you. And I’m… really happy that it’s you, Mika.
[ This is how it feels to hold someone important, to have Mika willingly in his arms, touching him - like he’s normal. As if his back full of gashes didn’t reflect the hungry maws within him. And Mika still seems to crawl in of his own accord.
(Did he set out the bait? He’s trying to keep Mika, but how is that different from trapping him? …Is this fair to Mika…?) ]
Unless you became a different person entirely, someone that can’t be called Mika, I don’t think I’ll stop feeling this way for you. [ It’s just the start. Ginger can sense the start of a fall. ] So tell me your feelings, tell me no, tell me yes. Ask me if I still love you, if you ever feel unsure.
Um… Even if you lose parts of yourself, that’s fine. [ That was a concern, he remembers, that Mika would not always be Mika. But Ginger disagrees - or rather, his greed… refuses to let go. How could he? Every part is so precious. ] I’ll find them and keep them until you want those pieces again. I’ll remember them.
( In this declaration, Mika recognizes something; not necessarily in word, but in feeling: the sense of being safe, that he's wanted all along.
His fingers curl into Ginger's skin. He wishes he were better at words, instead of just action. Forget how to keep Ginger loving him - he just wants to think about how he can make Ginger feel just as loved in return. )
... Okay.
( He'd always worry, likely. At least a little bit. He'll always have some part of him that asks if this much is too much - is this too much to hope Ginger will gather? Is this too much to expect Ginger to hold? But for once this thought occupies a minority in his mind. )
I believe you.
( And it's so, so hard to make Mika believe.
He hesitates, but: )
... In the morning... we'll find someone to heal you. ( Reiterating what Ginger said before. And then: ) And I'll come with you. And I... want to be with you after that. And the day after that. And the day after that. If that's fine. Because...
( Realistically, he knows it won't be a consecutive interaction. They're busy little wizards, and Mika still hasn't forgotten Ginger needs nights to himself. But! But. In sentiment, he wants to. He thinks he wants to be around Ginger a lot more. And he's fine with them parting (because how else will he be able to watch him from afar, and see what Ginger does when he's not with Mika?).
Still. There will always be a part of him that will want to be alone in the world with the person he cares about. He accepted Yuu's horizons had grown beyond him, but the small and childish side of him still remained, however faint, and it wanted to be Yuu's everything.
He thinks he can feel that want budding, here, too. He knows he has to temper it - even though he doesn't truly mind when Ginger has expressed, in a more piecewise way, the same to him. )
... I don't think my feelings can ever change. ( No caveat. Ginger doesn't even need to stay Ginger. Simply the concept of Ginger is enough. ) So. If you ever have to carry them... just know they're probably all thoughts about you.
Ginger breathes in and finds his throat tight, his eyes wet. That’s familiar. What’s new is the words that echo into his heart, a resounding answer to a wish he’s had all his life. It doesn’t sound real, even though he knows Mika only ever says what he means. This is Mika’s words touching his heart so easily and deeply, laying claim to a thing no one else has wanted.
Someone to think of him and love him as much as he loves them. Constantly, always. Today, tomorrow, and the forever after that.
He lies there, overwhelmed, but somehow breathing. Somehow his heart beats. ]
Oh.
[ The sound wet. He curls into Mika, holding him uncomfortably tight as his shoulders start to shake and his tears come quietly. He wants Mika so close that they become one; if they shared one beating heart, then Mika would know the impossible magnitude of his words. How he is so painfully happy right now that his chest feels raw with it. ]
… Is it really alright for me to have that much of your love…?
[ He believes Mika’s willing to give it - but it’s so much. Until now, he’s been eager to accept all the affection coming his way, but in this moment, he’s too happy and he’s terrified of that. (Just like angels who experienced emotions for the first time and were overwhelmed that these feelings were possible.) Is this really happening to Ginger or is this just a dream that will break his heart when he wakes? ]
Mika, I’m too happy. [ He closes his eyes, and still the tears fall, clinging onto his lashes, his cheeks, the edge of his jaw, the strands of Mika’s hair. ] You’re so wonderful. Really? You would think of me that much?
( He worries at first he'd done something terribly wrong - the scent of tears; the sound of that Oh; the way Ginger holds him painfully tight (it becomes a fortunate fact, for once, that he doesn't need to breathe). Ginger's blood rushes and his heart beats with such force. Was he okay? Was he all right? How can Mika fix it?
But Ginger manages more, and then Mika is - uncertain. Ginger is... the most important person to him here; Mika'd been possessed, even, by Ginger's charm - enough to ask him if he might let Mika think of him as family. How could Mika not love him that much? Embarrassing as it is (just a little bit) to phrase it that way, he still knows that he loved them; he had loved the orphans, and he had loved Yuu, with all his heart. And to Mika, this whole-soul devotion is what's natural for family. So Ginger's surprise confuses him.
(Then again, what he feels for Ginger feels a shade deeper than what he's used to feeling, he thinks. Still - family is family, no matter its depth.) )
... Yeah, of course.
( He can't really shift with Ginger holding so tight, so he'll make do - the hands at the back of his neck become arms that wind around his neck to hold him back (if with significantly absent crushing force), a hand brushing through Ginger's hair. )
Why wouldn't I, when you're so important to me? And I— I want you to have it. It's yours, Ginger. It's all for you.
( Thinking of Ginger, caring for him, feels like the least he can do. Giving it to Ginger seems only reasonable - especially when he's already entrusted Ginger with his heart.
Maybe Ginger doesn't truly get the extent of what family means to Mika, and so it surprises him now to hear Mika express it. Sure; that's possible. But some part of him feels - it's more - like it's like - like Ginger doesn't expect to be loved enough. Like he never does. But Ginger has so much love to give; isn't it unfair that he always gives so much and accepts so little? Especially when he wants it this badly? Why hadn't anyone loved him enough before? Mika feels certain he's done so little for Ginger. He hasn't even given Ginger everything he wants, and Ginger won't even let himself have it. The family thing, he thinks, does more for himself than Ginger. Mika's said a few nice things - sure, spoken genuinely, from the remains of his heart - but it's not much. No one's done at least this much for Ginger before? Not even this?
For the first time, he thinks he feels truly, genuinely angry with Rum. )
He should tell Mika that if he ever changes his mind, he can leave. (No.) That if it’s too much, he doesn’t have to force himself to love Ginger. (He can’t.) That if he wants to stop, Ginger understands. (Don’t. Please, stay mine.) ]
No one has offered so much before. I believe you, but it feels too good to be true all the same.
Because - [ Hope lodges itself painfully in his throat. ] - it sounds like you want to be mine as much as I want to be yours.
[ Impossible, right? No one would want that knowing the desperate, all-consuming parts of Ginger - and the sexual appetite that struggles to sate itself. Looking at him and seeing an angel, but all he can be is a demon, so he will always disappoint. No one wanted him before knowing, so why does Mika keep offering when he knows nearly everything? He gives so much - too much. Ginger knows he’s holding on too tight, but Mika holds him back - and his hand feels like forgiveness when Ginger hasn’t apologized yet.
The affection - that’s family is his understanding. But the rest… The kissing, the thoughts… Is that family, too? ]
… Can I?
[ Will you?
The sun never rises this hopeful for Ginger and he hasn’t done anything or changed in any great way to deserve this. Is it fair if Ginger accepts the miracle that is Mika’s love, all for him - all his? ]
He can't conceptualize how he would be. It's not like he can't love Ginger and love Yuu-chan - right? They're not the same. They're both... dear to him - the only family he has left, living (and even then, he's separate from Yuu now, so Ginger's the only one who carries that label who's within reach). But some part of him does pause.
And he considers - maybe - that it must be the same for Ginger. They may say all and everything and yours and mine, but that doesn't dislodge Yuu from Mika's heart, nor Rum from Ginger's. (Unfortunately.) Yuu was never his, to begin with. And Mika—
Mika had so desperately wanted to be Yuu's, but there wasn't space for him.
But Ginger isn't like Yuu. He doesn't have a lot of loves, a lot of friends (though he deserves the world, surely). He's so desperate that Mika wonders (still with some frustration, partly unfair, toward everyone Ginger knows) if he must be the first to offer him affection. Ginger... might still love Rum most, but it's - Rum is a known value. There's still a little space left for Mika, right? (He wonders this, despite all Ginger's insistence.) Mika can give Ginger whatever Yuu-chan doesn't comprise, so he just - just wants a little bit of Ginger in turn. (No: he wants more, but he won't dare.)
Just a little bit of space. Just don't set him aside. Please, just be his starry sky (he took away all the wrong lessons from Solomon, in the end). If that's okay. If this isn't too selfish. If you - really, truly, want this, too, like you say you do, like you seem you do.
Finally: )
... Please.
( Be his; want to be his; want to be with him, for - as long as this lasts. (They talk in eternity, but Mika parses things in decay. Nothing lasts forever. Their time here will end. Ginger will return home, and Mika's heart will...)
But that's okay. Because if Ginger comes out of all this happier than he entered it, then Mika will swallow the coming end knowing he did right by someone, for once.
He turns his lips into Ginger's hair - closer to his ear, close to his skin, but not quite making contact. )
... Because I think I... really do... want to be yours, too.
So the sun rises after all. Mika’s lips so close to his ear feel like a spot of sunlight after the morning’s dew has settled. Warmth over a familiar temperature that is just Mika - Ginger thinks he could love it all his life.
(He has fleeting, fleeting thoughts and snippets of dreams - painfully shameful, all the same - of wanting to know how hot he can make Mika, and how it would feel to - … )
In general loving Mika is an easy thing - it tends to be the rest - the parts adjacent - that’s scary. But… even that is a little easier. With Rum, he was always intensely scared. Even so, that love will never go away - Ginger thinks he’ll forget how to breathe and his heart how to beat before he forgets Rum, who is the shape of his love grown from childhood. But Ginger isn’t Rum’s; he just wants to be.
He knows he won’t forget Mika either, though his love for Mika shifts and changes, like it can’t decide - or just like Ginger, like it wants everything. It hasn’t finished building into something that is Mika-shaped yet. But Mika is someone he can, will love forever.
Right now what probably scares him the most… is Mika’s eternity, which seems to somehow have some sort of end. That’s the sense he’s been getting. And in this end, does the garden flourish, its beauty almost rivaling that of Mika’s smile? In this impossible end, is Mika happy with all the love he’s been given? Would be he happy to know that even if Ginger’s eternity surpasses his, love will be a constant. Love will always be Mika’s, just like Ginger will always be Mika’s.
If any of these answers are no - and if the end of Mika’s eternity stops before… anything…
He rolls them over so they’re face to face, his hold no longer constricting. Mika is his now; he’ll stay. (Right?) Ginger’s red from cry, red from his emotions, red… from Mika’s loveliness. Still, he wants their eyes to meet, to see clearly into each other’s hearts. ]
Can I… promise… to love you for eternity? I want to. [ He lets out a soft, husky laugh - sad and wet because he knows promises are dangerous here. But he can keep this one. ] … I don’t want there to be any doubt. I know you believe me, but I want you to believe… how much I love you.
Ginger pulls apart from him, but for once, maybe, he doesn't feel so scared - scared like he'd so often been with Yuu, that every slightest parting would be their final one. Mika knows Yuu loved him, but Yuu loved everyone. Yuu was stupid, and reckless, and so dazzingly bright— blinding. Mika would have to shade his blinded eyes and then - Yuu would be gone.
But Ginger wouldn't be. At least, Mika wants to believe Ginger hopes to stay. And though Mika had asked for it, he almost doesn't know what to do with it once he hears it. He's happy. He's happy - he knows that much. Before he died, he remembers he asked the Yuu-chan in his dream - not to leave him behind. And that Yuu had said yes. But that was only a dream. And this is - true? Is it true? And if it's true, could he - keep it safe, this time? Keep safe Ginger's sweet, silly face, red from tears - protect his gentle heart - protect them, connected, together?
Mika meets Ginger's gaze, and his eyes are full of a tentative hope - the sort of look you have when you're gazing at something fragile and precious, so uncertain of how to hold it. A look of affection.
And Ginger asks to promise, and Mika falters. )
... I believe you.
( He believes - he's willing to believe, despite the doubt in his heart, that Ginger loves him right now. And he knows right now, Ginger really believes he could love Mika forever - and that thought alone washes over Mika's heart like a flood. It's so much. It's more than he could ever have hoped for, and this sentiment alone would be something he'd gladly die for. And that childish part of him wants to accept.
But forever is a long time.
But he can't leash Ginger to him into eternity. And he's seen it - in vampires - how forever becomes a shackle. But how does he tell him? Ginger does get a little carried away. He's the one who insists he'll carry pieces of Mika always, always. And that's a lot - but at least he's not bound to it. At least there's chance for him to one day, in the future, set the weight of Mika down, if (when) he needs to move on. And Ginger hadn't liked it when Mika wanted to force him to make room for that chance.
(And— what if— Ginger promises a love too strong? Not on purpose. What if it just happens, in the heat of the moment? Something that suggests a love for Mika that eclipses his love for Rum. That would be a promise immediately broken. What would happen to Ginger then?)
Despite his best efforts, there's hesitation, there's doubt in his gaze. )
... Can you choose me, instead?
( Mika lifts his hands between them, as if asking Ginger to take them. )
Every day. Please just choose me. ( Until you can't. And that'll be okay. ) You'll always have the chance to walk away. But if you don't... isn't that like making a promise, every time we see each other?
( Mika has offered to promise Ginger, because he doesn't mind binding himself. But now that Ginger offers, he can't help but worry - if Ginger promises this, what if every day he stays with him becomes an obligation; the day Mika disappears a relief? That's so scary. He couldn't stand being his yoke, weighing him gradually down. He couldn't live with Ginger's hatred. )
[ He would’ve chosen Mika anyway, he thinks. So he reaffirms: ]
Okay, it would make me happy to choose you.
[ (…)
( He does wonder why Mika refused the promise. Is it because his eternity ends? Is it because he wants to keep his options open - but that’s fine, isn’t it? Ginger won’t ask him for a promise. Ginger would never be brave enough for that. Is it because he still has doubts? Ginger’s feelings won’t fade, he’s absolutely certain. But besides promising, he doesn’t know any immediately way to assuage any doubts, any fears. All he has to offer is… himself.)
(He may only be half an angel, but he carries their faithfulness. There is no angel in existence tired of their devotion to God; likewise, Ginger could - he would devote himself to Mika. Happily. … Maybe if he weren’t lacking in some way, Mika would have agreed.)
… If he weren’t lacking, Mika wouldn’t have to offer so much and take so little.
His thumbs skim the soft palms of Mika’s hands when he takes hold of them. It’s as if Mika’s saying he knows exactly what kind of possessive - obsessive - creature Ginger is and he’s opening the door to his closeted wants anyway: to choose the person he loves every day and to be with them today; tomorrow; and after that; and the day after that; and the day after that…; after every term for the course of days is exhausted and words no longer matter, then too.
He brings Mika’s hands to his lips, brushing light kisses over every knuckle. ]
I’ll choose you in every way I know how. And… if there’s a way you don’t want, tell me no.
[ Because for Ginger, he doesn’t just hear choose me. He also hears claim me, his inner demon overlapping with Mika’s voice. ‘Can you claim me, instead? Every day. Please just claim me.’
Yes. Yes, he will. Yes, he wants that.
His lips travel from knuckles to Mika’s right palm, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to its center, eyes focused on Mika. Intent enough that he seems one step away from biting his claim. ]
Tell me no when you hate it, and say yes when you love it.
( He's relieved Ginger acquiesces, as if they'd diverted some terrible fate. He's happy, too, just to hear Ginger say he'd choose him. That's already enough, for Mika; it's like hearing a lifetime of Ginger choosing him in advance. It's okay if Ginger has to cut it short one day, because he's already made Mika so happy now. And Mika could look back on this for as long as he still has a heart, and it would warm him just as much - even if Ginger's no longer around.
Yes, the childish part of his heart wants these things Ginger offers - but he knows better than to lend it ear. That part of him is what killed his family. That part of him is what almost took Yuu-chan away from all those humans who... could look after him far better than Mika could. Don't ask for a lot - don't hope for a lot - don't need very much at all. He'll be the temperance between them if Ginger doesn't know when to pump the breaks when it comes to things that might put Ginger at risk. And they'll find a way to manage, somehow. )
... I will. ( Tell him if he likes or dislikes what Ginger does. ) And I'll... choose you too. Every single time.
( In what ways? He's still figuring that out, but he knows he isn't subtle when he has someone to devote himself to.
Still, he can't say what it is, but something about Ginger's lips to his knuckles - lips to his palm - Ginger's eyes clear and fixed on his - warms his cheeks.
Does he want to know if Mika loves this, too? Mika has insisted on his own honesty, and it's something he wants to keep to now. He thinks... Ginger will hear him out, whatever he says. And that makes it easier to speak, where he'd hesitated with Ginger before.
He swallows, fingers curling in light against Ginger's face. )
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no subject
He and Ginger have been close - physically closer, even, than he's been to Yuu; intimacy is comfortable with Ginger, because Ginger took it early and Mika grew used to it. Ginger has been open with him; has set his bleeding heart in Mika's hands and has told him look, you can have this. Ginger has said he loves him. He says it again, here. He says there are these things he wants to do with him, that Mika is his most important - and he punctuates it now with but I can do this however you want this. It feels like - it feels like, he's saying those feelings don't matter. But they matter to Mika.
Mika doesn't need a label, exactly - there is no necessary shift in hierarchy between romance and sex and family, to him. His world has never been so complex, so large. What - frustrates him here, as warm as Ginger is to him, is how it feels like Ginger would reshape himself for him.
And it frustrates him, because Mika would do the same thing for him, too.
His fingers dig firm into Ginger's shoulders and he pulls him down - against the bed, against the soft and stained covers, and he looks down at him from above, and he snatches up his hand. He squeezes it, stubbornly. )
I love you, too. ( As family, as Ginger, as the most important person to him here. ) And I know you know I'd say the same things to you. I'd do this however you want it. I'd like you how you like it. And I know you know you wouldn't like that.
( So he's not happy!! Ginger is doing this either!!! Because they really are similar, they had it figured out their first meeting and then they started stumbling through it again. They're so stupid - really, really stupid, he thinks. )
I want to figure out a way for us to be that makes us both happy. Can I have that? I hate that you keep... pulling away from me. I know it's because you hate this part of you. But I want to be allowed to love it, too. I just... want to try— and I want to hear what you like, what you want. Your possessive thoughts, your heady thoughts. Eventually, even if it's not now.
( Their position's weird, but he makes it work - interlocking their fingers, like Ginger did to him that first day in Mika's room, in a way that's become more common since. )
Because you're the only one who's made me feel like I'm not just some ugly beast. And I want to do the same for you, too. If I get to have eternity, then I'm going to spend forever on it. I'll promise it, if I have to.
no subject
It’s the way he would reshape himself for Ginger - and he’s right, Ginger does hate it.
He knows they shouldn’t have to do that for each other, but it’s habit by now. He should’ve chosen to be a demon long ago, but Rum likes angels. He’s terrible at angelic reformation, but that’s what it takes to stay Rum’s partner. He doesn’t think of these things as sacrifices, just what was necessary to keep Rum. And so far, Rum has accepted what he sees.
He doesn’t just want to be accepted; he wants to be loved.
And Mika is trying to love him as best he can. Has listened to Ginger’s heart and, somehow, only found himself lacking instead of Ginger. Which is crazy. He’s Mika. ]
You’d think… I would know better by now, when we keep telling each other the same things. [ Said like an apology. Mika has one hand, and Ginger reaches with his other to caress his face. It’s not just affection, there’s heat in his touch. ] Don’t promise, Mika - I love you, I’m listening.
Really listening this time.
I think we’ll keep stumbling, but you’ll catch me. [ He’s clumsy, it happens. ] And I’ll catch you. Instead of putting either one of us first, let’s try to put ourselves next to each other. How’s that - to start? Would that work?
And um. Lean down?
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And some part of him had resigned to a near future of trying to figure out how to help Ginger for him while Ginger held fast to his worries. And he would have been glad to do it, regardless. He would have forgiven Ginger, and not thought twice of it. Because he does care for Ginger that much. He's worth the cost.
But Ginger hears him, he thinks. He feels it in his touch, and he wants to believe it in his words. And some part of him hesitates, still - it needles him, and it asks him if he's really allowed to be equal with Ginger. Bright in Mika's heart, melting its ice. But despite its cruelty, he presses his cheek into Ginger's palm. He tries to hear Ginger's voice instead of his own. )
... Okay. ( He squeezes Ginger's hand, as much for himself as for Ginger. ) Okay.
( A hesitant beat. What should he say here? There's so much he feels - you make me really happy; thank you for trying to make this work out, with me; thank you for thinking so much of me, even though I don't deserve it - he could go on, and on. He might not even have the words for everything he feels.
But, when he tries to put it all together, what comes out is something a little quiet, a little vulnerable, and a strange sort of happy - a simple: )
... Thank you.
( And he does lean down, as far as he needs to until Ginger does whatever he's thinking of. )
no subject
He had said once that he wanted to take care of Mika’s heart, something only possible because they’re similar enough. When he feels tethered by his own feelings, it’s Mika who reaches out, broaching the subject, careful of the tender gaps in his heart. It’s easier to speak then, and easier to listen and learn.
He’s okay with it if it takes another hundred years to learn everything about Mika. He’ll never get tired of it; he’s… eager.
Which - he’s never felt before. Learning another person - learning Rum was always associated with anxiety, a revelation of impending disappointment, and Ginger always stalls before disappointment becomes heartache becomes heartbreak.
His heart… aches a little now, in a new way.
His hand brushes past Mika’s cheek, sliding into his hair. He leans up as Mika leans down and meets the other in the middle. Light as a feather, delicate in touch, he kisses Mika. It may be a clumsy thing, a brief thing - he doesn’t know how to do it exactly right, not at this angle - but Mika wants to try loving this part of Ginger.
So carefully, just a little, he gives him this. ]
… Now you know that part.
[ If he still wants to try. But it’s okay if he doesn’t. ]
no subject
Did he feel like this with Yuu? He isn't sure. Maybe. Probably. (He had always associated every good feeling with Yuu, in the end.) But he'd never done this with Yuu; had never thought this far, when keeping him alive was the preoccupying priority.
He hadn't thought of a kiss as more than a mechanical thing, either. He understood it as an impulse for Ginger to contend with, and an act Mika probably wouldn't mind. He hadn't thought of it as a conduit for feeling. He hadn't thought of it as something that could provoke this lingering fullness in the decaying caverns of his chest. Maybe for others, but never for him.
He feels like he's learning a little bit about these sorts of things he thought lost to him, with Ginger. Some of these things are a little bit overwhelming, and a little bit scary. Some of these things make him worried, and make him think he's unworthy. Ginger is a lot; he's right. But he can't find himself repelled. It feels a little like taking hold of the sun.
And that's okay. He's okay with it, so long as it's Ginger. )
... Ah...
( He gazes down at him, red-cheeked and eyes a little wide, and it's hard to see Ginger's face from this close, but he thinks - maybe, what he likes most is how Ginger looks now.
Almost a murmur, almost talking to himself: )
... I didn't know... a kiss could feel that way.
( A mirror of what Ginger had said earlier. And he would have to think on it, why Ginger could move his heart such that it felt almost like it could beat. (Because he's family, he wonders?) But later. Later. Right now... Right now...
His lips part again, and he hesitates, his gaze falling lidded. Would Ginger mind? Ginger can always say no - he hopes he knows that. Would it be okay to at least ask? )
... Can I learn a little more?
( Can I try to kiss you, too?— is what he means to say. )
no subject
So - a kiss feels like that with someone you love.
He wonders if the kiss had felt the same for them both, even a little. Like his love and lust had trickled into the same cup and somehow, that single kiss was enough to cause it to overflow and pool liquid heat and heady need all over his body, its spread slow and persistent. Filling every gap in him.
What did the pretty flush on Mika’s face mean? Did he like it? … Could he love it? Ginger… wants to chase it with his mouth and find out. A mouth that right now is only capable of saying: ]
Please.
[ Please, I want it. Please, do it. Please, take. Whatever you want. Anything you want.
He’s glad that he’s down here, so that Mika can control their pace. They can stop whenever Mika wants to. He can pull back and Ginger will stay where he’s at, straining against his greed.
He won’t reach out for more.
He’s taken enough tonight. ]
no subject
How strange it feels, to hear his own heart mirrored back to him; how satisfying it is, to know someone feels the same.
Mika, for a moment, hesitates - all at once preoccupied with how he should kiss him; how he wanted to; and he's not so used to wanting something so abstract. Just the same way, again? Is there some other way to manage?
He squeezes Ginger's hand slightly, and lifts his head; seeing him better, even if at the opposite angle. He wonders if Rum ever saw this. He wonders if Rum ever appreciated the privilege. With tenderness, with care, he lifts his hand and brushes, slightly, Ginger's bangs from his face, fingertips so barely brushing across skin. Hot-cheeked and almost drunken (maybe a little bit because of the lingering scent of unhealed wounds), Mika seems like - he's holding onto something precious, something he wants to admire.
Sorry for lingering; he's bad at not. He's just always wanted someone he could so wholly adore.
Not yet had his fill of gazing at Ginger (it's fine, he's fine, he's normal) but at odds with a mounting curiosity, a want to kiss him again, and so he pulls away - the hand at his face and the hand in Ginger's own (sorry) so he can support himself as he shifts beside Ginger. He wants to kiss him like this, he thinks. He wants to try it, even if it feels a little more intimate - intimidating - exciting?, to face him proper.
But it's a lot less overwhelming once he sinks into it; he cups Ginger's face, first, and leans in - a soft kiss, still chaste - he doesn't consider yet that they can be deeper - but lasting a little longer. A sweet kiss. And it lingers. Even as it seems time to end, he's slow to part - and this time, he doesn't pull his face away far, even if it means he can't see Ginger well, with their lips still so close. )
... Did you like that, too?
no subject
Mika’s kiss - ah, it’s soft and so, so sweet. And he hasn’t even tasted Mika yet, not really.
(He can’t help but wonder.)
When Mika pulls away, Ginger nearly chases, mouth opening to catch. He stops short of their lips brushing again. Two kisses is more than he’d imagined ever possible when the idea of desiring Mika shifted from impossible to steadily, terrifyingly possible. Inevitable? Should he have known?
And he doesn’t just like it. ]
… Love it. [ As though he couldn’t admit the first without adding the second: ] Love you.
[ It only feels this good because their hearts have connected in this wondrous way. ]
Did you like it? … Could you love it?
no subject
But it's hard to think much of it in the face of Ginger's smile, his wanting eyes. All dangers are easy to love when they keen and heel and put their paw in your hand.
He leans the small portion his weight a little against Ginger's chest as he keeps their lesser distance, a faint smile curling his lips as Ginger worries - his cheeks particularly hot, from the way Ginger says love, love you, so easy, the way he gives it freely.
Could he love this part of Ginger - Ginger, as a whole? Maybe brashly, maybe in that stupid youthful way, maybe emboldened because he feels so strongly this connection, he thinks he could. It's intimate and new and stirs him in ways he doesn't fully understand, but he's so sure he could love him, because... )
... Yeah. Because it's you.
( And Ginger feels like being with Yuu, but without that constant fear. )
no subject
For two kisses and the rare beauty of Mika’s smile. That’s good; that’s enough. He will never stop wanting more, but he tells himself that Mika is more than enough, more than he deserves - always.
His arms slide around Mika, hips first, then the small of his back, now that he thinks he can contain the urge to plead for one more kiss. Instead - instead he’d rather show his feelings in a different way. Brushing their noses together, all affection and playfulness - because he’s happy, he’s happy. If that doesn’t show it, there’s his soft, curling lips and smiling eyes.
(Never mind the needy, stiff heat between his legs. It’s there, has been, but for once, the shame doesn’t gnaw at him as insistently. Just an afterthought this time.)
(It wants Mika, after all, and Ginger has him.) ]
Thank you, Mika. [ He wants to learn better words for this. In time, after some practice. But the most the important word he wants to whisper is just Mika’s name anyway. ] Can you please stay tonight? You can take from me - I’m yours, but I want to make sure you can rest where it’s safe.
no subject
It's not like he'd been smiling brightly or a lot, but his cheeks already hurt - softening the way Ginger noses him, holds him, Mika's own fingers curling against Ginger's cheek.
Of course, he does feel the need - and though he's gotten kind of used to it by now (based on how often Ginger volunteers for feedings), for once his mind does sort of wander, thinking - maybe Ginger would be a little less guarded about this sort of thing with him now? But he still has a lot to learn; he underestimates it less. He barely knew kissing could feel nice, and among these gestures, he still - wants to learn more about them, for as long as Ginger was willing. )
... Okay.
( Warm-cheeked, a smile still on his lips, nearly matching Ginger's own. He doesn't need to think about his answer; of course he'd stay, would want to stay, even if Ginger hadn't offered.
But if there is mention of safety - the warmth in his face fades as concern ripples through his expression again. )
Wait, but - you need a healer, first. Your back - can it get infected? Will you bleed out?
( Ginger's not human, but what if...?? He takes Ginger's face in both hands with care, looking him in his twilight eyes. )
Are you sure it's okay? It's not sore? Is there anything I should know?
no subject
(He thinks… he wants to worship him all over, every snow-pale inch.)
Mika’s so beautiful in this moment that it takes Ginger whole seconds to blink out of his adoration. He sees a little less warmth and a little more worry. ]
I… don’t think… he was aiming all that well at the time. [ And maybe some part of Khun had realized that spearing through Ginger would likely pierce through him as well. ] I’ll get a healer in the morning - I think the spelled towel will do for tonight. It’s… somewhere in here.
[ When he gets his brain to work again, he’ll summon it to them. ]
I guess… it’s sore… [ Trying to be honest in his answers. He can’t really feel it - there’s too many other important things to feel. And once those things settle, he won’t even mind the pain. A reminder of - all the bad and good from tonight. He needs it to hurt, he thinks. ] But… I don’t want to be away from you, not after what happened.
My heart… [ Needs Mika to stay close. ] … needs you more than my body needs healing. Is that… alright?
no subject
But Ginger is so earnest and loving in a way Mika has missed so dearly, and it comes too in shades he hasn't yet experienced from Yuu - shades he has always, always wanted desperately, but has never known. (How greedy it is, to want to be loved, instead of selflessly devoting yourself to another.) It's hard not to believe him, when Mika has always been weak to those led by their hearts, regardless of his own reason.
...
He brings their foreheads together again, noses brushing, lips close, like before. )
... Only if you really will be okay. ( A gentle plea, but one that suggests he's trying to listen to Ginger's voice instead of his own fear's, for once. ) I can't give you my eternity if you disappear.
( "Disappear" being the mildest way to put it, but his chest would seize to think of it as any worse - when all he wants to do is set Ginger's affection in his empty chest instead, let himself feel a mimicry of living again. (Selfish, selfish, but is it okay as long as Ginger likes selfish?)
This time, he closes that slight distance between their lips - they brush together slightly, not fully a kiss, but a little more than the playful nosing Ginger did earlier. It's experimental. But if this sort of thing can convey feeling, maybe this small gesture can serve as an underline. )
... I'm here. I'll always be here. So... you can rest.
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[ His future with Mika is currently simple, like the beginnings of a dream. A small idea to start: the two of them. Followed by scenes that fill out slow but bleed fast with all the colors of their feelings. Endless is the space of it, waiting to be filled. The colors and a memory inspire him - ‘I didn't think I could like flowers anymore.’ ]
Because I - [ Distracted by the almost kiss, their lips brushing together as Mika speaks, Mika’s breath on his lips. After: ] … That’s not fair, Mika. How can I rest after that?
[ How can I resist after that?
A hook through his heart that reels him in; a grasp on his tie that invites more if he stays close. He really was going to be good after two kisses, but this is two and a half - two and a lingering, lingering half. He wants to see it finished into three.
So he presses in, savoring the sweet note of Mika’s breath, marveling at the softness of his lips. He tries to keep it chaste still, but the longer this kiss continues, the harder that is to do. He should - pull back. A scant distance between them that might as well not be there. Just a little, just to finish his earlier train of thought: ]
Mm… I want to spend eternity building you a garden.
[ Inside and out. A garden in real life, full of all the flowers he can think of - and one inside Mika, so Mika can maybe one day believe - even just a little - that he is not so dead inside. ]
So I won’t disappear.
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He understands himself as a creature created with a cosmological failing so fundamental he cannot even grasp it. He exists only to protect those he cares for. And so for every ounce of fluttering, startling happiness he feels now, he'd return it back to Ginger with interest. But Ginger keeps giving - Ginger calls himself greedy, but he keeps giving, even as he takes his lips from Mika's, because he replaces it with something just as warm.
It might be the first time in the long time his eyes feel a little wet from something besides something hurting him. He should - he should protest. He could spend an eternity in devotion in Ginger (and Ginger would be with Rum, and Mika would support him even so) and that would be balanced, but Ginger spending on eternity on him? That's - unfair. That's terrible, to Ginger. Even if Ginger's with Rum, while he does it. Even then.
But this garden of Ginger's feelings makes him so, so happy. Happy in a way he can't even begin to compare to a moment Yuu - it occupies a different axis, in a wholly different vector. It's a piece of his heart just for Ginger. (Maybe it's more than a piece.)
Almost like he doesn't know what to do with himself, he rests his head lightly against the crook of his neck, Ginger's pulse so, so close. If Mika had his own pulse, it might be frantic - or entirely stunned.
In a small, small voice: )
... Why me?
( What did he do for Ginger to find him so worthy? This isn't the real question, though. Ginger is kind - so, so kind. He could spin gold from straw, he thinks. Whatever sweet thing he might mention, Mika might struggle to believe it.
What he really means - what his heart hangs from like a lifeline, is this: )
... And... what can I do to keep being that?
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If his heart has chosen, that’s it.
Along the way, Mika became the most important one to him - and the romantic that Ginger is thinks maybe this path was always his to take. It would be a relief if… standing at the end of his path… was someone who just accepted all of him. He thinks… that’s Mika, and the light of his kindness has exposed nearly all of Ginger’s writhing selfish desires. And the rest, Mika would hold it with care if he knew. Ginger thinks; Ginger hopes. ]
… I don’t know why - I just know that I’m right to choose you. When all I want to do is say your name.
[ He does realize he says it a lot, and thinks it even more. Mika has become synonymous with love, with comfort, with safe. ]
I don’t have a reason for why it shouldn’t be you. And I’m… really happy that it’s you, Mika.
[ This is how it feels to hold someone important, to have Mika willingly in his arms, touching him - like he’s normal. As if his back full of gashes didn’t reflect the hungry maws within him. And Mika still seems to crawl in of his own accord.
(Did he set out the bait? He’s trying to keep Mika, but how is that different from trapping him? …Is this fair to Mika…?) ]
Unless you became a different person entirely, someone that can’t be called Mika, I don’t think I’ll stop feeling this way for you. [ It’s just the start. Ginger can sense the start of a fall. ] So tell me your feelings, tell me no, tell me yes. Ask me if I still love you, if you ever feel unsure.
Um… Even if you lose parts of yourself, that’s fine. [ That was a concern, he remembers, that Mika would not always be Mika. But Ginger disagrees - or rather, his greed… refuses to let go. How could he? Every part is so precious. ] I’ll find them and keep them until you want those pieces again. I’ll remember them.
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His fingers curl into Ginger's skin. He wishes he were better at words, instead of just action. Forget how to keep Ginger loving him - he just wants to think about how he can make Ginger feel just as loved in return. )
... Okay.
( He'd always worry, likely. At least a little bit. He'll always have some part of him that asks if this much is too much - is this too much to hope Ginger will gather? Is this too much to expect Ginger to hold? But for once this thought occupies a minority in his mind. )
I believe you.
( And it's so, so hard to make Mika believe.
He hesitates, but: )
... In the morning... we'll find someone to heal you. ( Reiterating what Ginger said before. And then: ) And I'll come with you. And I... want to be with you after that. And the day after that. And the day after that. If that's fine. Because...
( Realistically, he knows it won't be a consecutive interaction. They're busy little wizards, and Mika still hasn't forgotten Ginger needs nights to himself. But! But. In sentiment, he wants to. He thinks he wants to be around Ginger a lot more. And he's fine with them parting (because how else will he be able to watch him from afar, and see what Ginger does when he's not with Mika?).
Still. There will always be a part of him that will want to be alone in the world with the person he cares about. He accepted Yuu's horizons had grown beyond him, but the small and childish side of him still remained, however faint, and it wanted to be Yuu's everything.
He thinks he can feel that want budding, here, too. He knows he has to temper it - even though he doesn't truly mind when Ginger has expressed, in a more piecewise way, the same to him. )
... I don't think my feelings can ever change. ( No caveat. Ginger doesn't even need to stay Ginger. Simply the concept of Ginger is enough. ) So. If you ever have to carry them... just know they're probably all thoughts about you.
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‘…all thoughts about you.’
Ginger breathes in and finds his throat tight, his eyes wet. That’s familiar. What’s new is the words that echo into his heart, a resounding answer to a wish he’s had all his life. It doesn’t sound real, even though he knows Mika only ever says what he means. This is Mika’s words touching his heart so easily and deeply, laying claim to a thing no one else has wanted.
Someone to think of him and love him as much as he loves them. Constantly, always. Today, tomorrow, and the forever after that.
He lies there, overwhelmed, but somehow breathing. Somehow his heart beats. ]
Oh.
[ The sound wet. He curls into Mika, holding him uncomfortably tight as his shoulders start to shake and his tears come quietly. He wants Mika so close that they become one; if they shared one beating heart, then Mika would know the impossible magnitude of his words. How he is so painfully happy right now that his chest feels raw with it. ]
… Is it really alright for me to have that much of your love…?
[ He believes Mika’s willing to give it - but it’s so much. Until now, he’s been eager to accept all the affection coming his way, but in this moment, he’s too happy and he’s terrified of that. (Just like angels who experienced emotions for the first time and were overwhelmed that these feelings were possible.) Is this really happening to Ginger or is this just a dream that will break his heart when he wakes? ]
Mika, I’m too happy. [ He closes his eyes, and still the tears fall, clinging onto his lashes, his cheeks, the edge of his jaw, the strands of Mika’s hair. ] You’re so wonderful. Really? You would think of me that much?
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But Ginger manages more, and then Mika is - uncertain. Ginger is... the most important person to him here; Mika'd been possessed, even, by Ginger's charm - enough to ask him if he might let Mika think of him as family. How could Mika not love him that much? Embarrassing as it is (just a little bit) to phrase it that way, he still knows that he loved them; he had loved the orphans, and he had loved Yuu, with all his heart. And to Mika, this whole-soul devotion is what's natural for family. So Ginger's surprise confuses him.
(Then again, what he feels for Ginger feels a shade deeper than what he's used to feeling, he thinks. Still - family is family, no matter its depth.) )
... Yeah, of course.
( He can't really shift with Ginger holding so tight, so he'll make do - the hands at the back of his neck become arms that wind around his neck to hold him back (if with significantly absent crushing force), a hand brushing through Ginger's hair. )
Why wouldn't I, when you're so important to me? And I— I want you to have it. It's yours, Ginger. It's all for you.
( Thinking of Ginger, caring for him, feels like the least he can do. Giving it to Ginger seems only reasonable - especially when he's already entrusted Ginger with his heart.
Maybe Ginger doesn't truly get the extent of what family means to Mika, and so it surprises him now to hear Mika express it. Sure; that's possible. But some part of him feels - it's more - like it's like - like Ginger doesn't expect to be loved enough. Like he never does. But Ginger has so much love to give; isn't it unfair that he always gives so much and accepts so little? Especially when he wants it this badly? Why hadn't anyone loved him enough before? Mika feels certain he's done so little for Ginger. He hasn't even given Ginger everything he wants, and Ginger won't even let himself have it. The family thing, he thinks, does more for himself than Ginger. Mika's said a few nice things - sure, spoken genuinely, from the remains of his heart - but it's not much. No one's done at least this much for Ginger before? Not even this?
For the first time, he thinks he feels truly, genuinely angry with Rum. )
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He should tell Mika that if he ever changes his mind, he can leave. (No.) That if it’s too much, he doesn’t have to force himself to love Ginger. (He can’t.) That if he wants to stop, Ginger understands. (Don’t. Please, stay mine.) ]
No one has offered so much before. I believe you, but it feels too good to be true all the same.
Because - [ Hope lodges itself painfully
in his throat. ] - it sounds like you want to be mine as much as I want to be yours.
[ Impossible, right? No one would want that knowing the desperate, all-consuming parts of Ginger - and the sexual appetite that struggles to sate itself. Looking at him and seeing an angel, but all he can be is a demon, so he will always disappoint. No one wanted him before knowing, so why does Mika keep offering when he knows nearly everything? He gives so much - too much. Ginger knows he’s holding on too tight, but Mika holds him back - and his hand feels like forgiveness when Ginger hasn’t apologized yet.
The affection - that’s family is his understanding. But the rest… The kissing, the thoughts… Is that family, too? ]
… Can I?
[ Will you?
The sun never rises this hopeful for Ginger and he hasn’t done anything or changed in any great way to deserve this. Is it fair if Ginger accepts the miracle that is Mika’s love, all for him - all his? ]
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He can't conceptualize how he would be. It's not like he can't love Ginger and love Yuu-chan - right? They're not the same. They're both... dear to him - the only family he has left, living (and even then, he's separate from Yuu now, so Ginger's the only one who carries that label who's within reach). But some part of him does pause.
And he considers - maybe - that it must be the same for Ginger. They may say all and everything and yours and mine, but that doesn't dislodge Yuu from Mika's heart, nor Rum from Ginger's. (Unfortunately.) Yuu was never his, to begin with. And Mika—
Mika had so desperately wanted to be Yuu's, but there wasn't space for him.
But Ginger isn't like Yuu. He doesn't have a lot of loves, a lot of friends (though he deserves the world, surely). He's so desperate that Mika wonders (still with some frustration, partly unfair, toward everyone Ginger knows) if he must be the first to offer him affection. Ginger... might still love Rum most, but it's - Rum is a known value. There's still a little space left for Mika, right? (He wonders this, despite all Ginger's insistence.) Mika can give Ginger whatever Yuu-chan doesn't comprise, so he just - just wants a little bit of Ginger in turn. (No: he wants more, but he won't dare.)
Just a little bit of space. Just don't set him aside. Please, just be his starry sky (he took away all the wrong lessons from Solomon, in the end). If that's okay. If this isn't too selfish. If you - really, truly, want this, too, like you say you do, like you seem you do.
Finally: )
... Please.
( Be his; want to be his; want to be with him, for - as long as this lasts. (They talk in eternity, but Mika parses things in decay. Nothing lasts forever. Their time here will end. Ginger will return home, and Mika's heart will...)
But that's okay. Because if Ginger comes out of all this happier than he entered it, then Mika will swallow the coming end knowing he did right by someone, for once.
He turns his lips into Ginger's hair - closer to his ear, close to his skin, but not quite making contact. )
... Because I think I... really do... want to be yours, too.
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[ A little louder, a little stronger.
So the sun rises after all. Mika’s lips so close to his ear feel like a spot of sunlight after the morning’s dew has settled. Warmth over a familiar temperature that is just Mika - Ginger thinks he could love it all his life.
(He has fleeting, fleeting thoughts and snippets of dreams - painfully shameful, all the same - of wanting to know how hot he can make Mika, and how it would feel to - … )
In general loving Mika is an easy thing - it tends to be the rest - the parts adjacent - that’s scary. But… even that is a little easier. With Rum, he was always intensely scared. Even so, that love will never go away - Ginger thinks he’ll forget how to breathe and his heart how to beat before he forgets Rum, who is the shape of his love grown from childhood. But Ginger isn’t Rum’s; he just wants to be.
He knows he won’t forget Mika either, though his love for Mika shifts and changes, like it can’t decide - or just like Ginger, like it wants everything. It hasn’t finished building into something that is Mika-shaped yet. But Mika is someone he can, will love forever.
Right now what probably scares him the most… is Mika’s eternity, which seems to somehow have some sort of end. That’s the sense he’s been getting. And in this end, does the garden flourish, its beauty almost rivaling that of Mika’s smile? In this impossible end, is Mika happy with all the love he’s been given? Would be he happy to know that even if Ginger’s eternity surpasses his, love will be a constant. Love will always be Mika’s, just like Ginger will always be Mika’s.
If any of these answers are no - and if the end of Mika’s eternity stops before… anything…
He rolls them over so they’re face to face, his hold no longer constricting. Mika is his now; he’ll stay. (Right?) Ginger’s red from cry, red from his emotions, red… from Mika’s loveliness. Still, he wants their eyes to meet, to see clearly into each other’s hearts. ]
Can I… promise… to love you for eternity? I want to. [ He lets out a soft, husky laugh - sad and wet because he knows promises are dangerous here. But he can keep this one. ] … I don’t want there to be any doubt. I know you believe me, but I want you to believe… how much I love you.
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Ginger pulls apart from him, but for once, maybe, he doesn't feel so scared - scared like he'd so often been with Yuu, that every slightest parting would be their final one. Mika knows Yuu loved him, but Yuu loved everyone. Yuu was stupid, and reckless, and so dazzingly bright— blinding. Mika would have to shade his blinded eyes and then - Yuu would be gone.
But Ginger wouldn't be. At least, Mika wants to believe Ginger hopes to stay. And though Mika had asked for it, he almost doesn't know what to do with it once he hears it. He's happy. He's happy - he knows that much. Before he died, he remembers he asked the Yuu-chan in his dream - not to leave him behind. And that Yuu had said yes. But that was only a dream. And this is - true? Is it true? And if it's true, could he - keep it safe, this time? Keep safe Ginger's sweet, silly face, red from tears - protect his gentle heart - protect them, connected, together?
Mika meets Ginger's gaze, and his eyes are full of a tentative hope - the sort of look you have when you're gazing at something fragile and precious, so uncertain of how to hold it. A look of affection.
And Ginger asks to promise, and Mika falters. )
... I believe you.
( He believes - he's willing to believe, despite the doubt in his heart, that Ginger loves him right now. And he knows right now, Ginger really believes he could love Mika forever - and that thought alone washes over Mika's heart like a flood. It's so much. It's more than he could ever have hoped for, and this sentiment alone would be something he'd gladly die for. And that childish part of him wants to accept.
But forever is a long time.
But he can't leash Ginger to him into eternity. And he's seen it - in vampires - how forever becomes a shackle. But how does he tell him? Ginger does get a little carried away. He's the one who insists he'll carry pieces of Mika always, always. And that's a lot - but at least he's not bound to it. At least there's chance for him to one day, in the future, set the weight of Mika down, if (when) he needs to move on. And Ginger hadn't liked it when Mika wanted to force him to make room for that chance.
(And— what if— Ginger promises a love too strong? Not on purpose. What if it just happens, in the heat of the moment? Something that suggests a love for Mika that eclipses his love for Rum. That would be a promise immediately broken. What would happen to Ginger then?)
Despite his best efforts, there's hesitation, there's doubt in his gaze. )
... Can you choose me, instead?
( Mika lifts his hands between them, as if asking Ginger to take them. )
Every day. Please just choose me. ( Until you can't. And that'll be okay. ) You'll always have the chance to walk away. But if you don't... isn't that like making a promise, every time we see each other?
( Mika has offered to promise Ginger, because he doesn't mind binding himself. But now that Ginger offers, he can't help but worry - if Ginger promises this, what if every day he stays with him becomes an obligation; the day Mika disappears a relief? That's so scary. He couldn't stand being his yoke, weighing him gradually down. He couldn't live with Ginger's hatred. )
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[ He would’ve chosen Mika anyway, he thinks. So he reaffirms: ]
Okay, it would make me happy to choose you.
[ (…)
( He does wonder why Mika refused the promise. Is it because his eternity ends? Is it because he wants to keep his options open - but that’s fine, isn’t it? Ginger won’t ask him for a promise. Ginger would never be brave enough for that. Is it because he still has doubts? Ginger’s feelings won’t fade, he’s absolutely certain. But besides promising, he doesn’t know any immediately way to assuage any doubts, any fears. All he has to offer is… himself.)
(He may only be half an angel, but he carries their faithfulness. There is no angel in existence tired of their devotion to God; likewise, Ginger could - he would devote himself to Mika. Happily. … Maybe if he weren’t lacking in some way, Mika would have agreed.)
… If he weren’t lacking, Mika wouldn’t have to offer so much and take so little.
His thumbs skim the soft palms of Mika’s hands when he takes hold of them. It’s as if Mika’s saying he knows exactly what kind of possessive - obsessive - creature Ginger is and he’s opening the door to his closeted wants anyway: to choose the person he loves every day and to be with them today; tomorrow; and after that; and the day after that; and the day after that…; after every term for the course of days is exhausted and words no longer matter, then too.
He brings Mika’s hands to his lips, brushing light kisses over every knuckle. ]
I’ll choose you in every way I know how. And… if there’s a way you don’t want, tell me no.
[ Because for Ginger, he doesn’t just hear choose me. He also hears claim me, his inner demon overlapping with Mika’s voice. ‘Can you claim me, instead? Every day. Please just claim me.’
Yes. Yes, he will. Yes, he wants that.
His lips travel from knuckles to Mika’s right palm, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to its center, eyes focused on Mika. Intent enough that he seems one step away from biting his claim. ]
Tell me no when you hate it, and say yes when you love it.
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Yes, the childish part of his heart wants these things Ginger offers - but he knows better than to lend it ear. That part of him is what killed his family. That part of him is what almost took Yuu-chan away from all those humans who... could look after him far better than Mika could. Don't ask for a lot - don't hope for a lot - don't need very much at all. He'll be the temperance between them if Ginger doesn't know when to pump the breaks when it comes to things that might put Ginger at risk. And they'll find a way to manage, somehow. )
... I will. ( Tell him if he likes or dislikes what Ginger does. ) And I'll... choose you too. Every single time.
( In what ways? He's still figuring that out, but he knows he isn't subtle when he has someone to devote himself to.
Still, he can't say what it is, but something about Ginger's lips to his knuckles - lips to his palm - Ginger's eyes clear and fixed on his - warms his cheeks.
Does he want to know if Mika loves this, too? Mika has insisted on his own honesty, and it's something he wants to keep to now. He thinks... Ginger will hear him out, whatever he says. And that makes it easier to speak, where he'd hesitated with Ginger before.
He swallows, fingers curling in light against Ginger's face. )
... Um... I... do like this.
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