[ The way his fingers curl around Mika’s is the same way his lips curl into a smile - like can’t help it, like he’s received something warm and precious. The smile fades soon after though his grip stays. ]
Tell me, if you ever do?
[ He wants to prioritize Mika during these feedings. ]
Um… I think that urge is supposed to feel nice when it’s with someone you love. [ He wouldn’t know. He’s never - ] It’s terrible that the option was taken from you.
( If it were him, he'd feel better hearing that, so - he offers that to Ginger. He squeezes his hand tight.
While he doesn't disagree that - losing things due to his vampirism is awful, sex and sexuality is... abstract. He never got a firm grasp of it given his circumstances, and, if anything, it was repellant down in Sanguiem: the slightly older boys with unrepentant libidos, and the vampires, who felt nothing, but knew humans felt humiliation when it came to matters of the body.
He can't say he understands his loss very well, only that it's unfortunate simply because it was taken at all. )
... I've heard that. But... you can probably do other things with someone you love.
( Probably??? His parents weren't the best example, but... in theory... )
... Not that I'd have to worry about it either way, I guess. I'm not exactly an eligible bachelor.
Yeah. My parents have a love like that. My mom - she’s an angel of purity, so she doesn’t - well, you know. Once, for me, but that was it.
[ He can talk about her like this because she’s more like his sister, than his mom. Still a little embarrassing, but he must have come from somewhere now that angels aren’t born from the Breath of God anymore. ]
But they love each other a lot.
[ That’s why Ginger also wants something like that. Not whatever this lustful thing in him is. ]
Someone will love you like that, Mika, if that’s something you want. But there’s different types of love, too. However you want to be loved, I think it’ll happen.
( Angel of purity with demon of lust...???? That... really must have been something...... Especially if they loved each other anyway, despite being... diametric opposites.
Still... Warm as Ginger's words are, he doesn't know what to think of when it comes to - himself. Gaze falling vaguely over the room briefly, he thinks... he can't imagine a happy future. )
... Is that something you want? To be loved like that?
I don’t know if someone could love me the way I love them. I’m too much. But if someone - [ Rum, Rum, Rum. ] - could feel towards me a fraction of how I feel for them, then I’ll be happy with that.
They would choose me first, then, wouldn’t they?
[ Some one person.
(Rum eyes, ginger hair.)
Choose me always. Worry about me the most. Love me like you love no one else. ]
( By someone, he assumes Ginger means that Rum guy. Their relationship sounded a little uncertain where Ginger left off with him, but... )
... Yeah.
( ... he thinks that... maybe - maybe, it'll work out. Mika can't be very optimistic for himself, but he can manage it for other people. He can put what remains of his heart into hoping for them. )
It'll happen. You're easy to like.
( Mika likes him, and Mika struggles to like people at all - by nature of what he is, and by personality. For anyone less antisocial for Mika, it should work out fine. )
But you're fine, you know. ( He tugs on Ginger's hand a little, as if lightly scolding. ) You put yourself down a lot. Where'd you pick that up?
I just know what I want and it’s always so much more than what others seem to want. So much greed…
[ He is made up of the anatomy of greed; selfishness runs through his veins; his heart and lungs pump possessiveness; and every breath he takes feels insatiable. And in his dreams he wants. ]
Earlier, you said you were worried about me. That part of me wants you to notice and worry about me - all the time. Constantly, Mika.
( That - comes as a surprise to Mika, if only because he had presumed that sort of thing would be reserved for who Ginger held most special (Rum). Maybe because that's how it'd always been for him - he had only cared for Yuu, and given Yuu privilege. At least, that's how it'd been before.
But he... doesn't hate it? He remembers what Ginger says about obsessiveness being his inheritance, and he sees it here. He understands what Ginger means, that maybe he can get too much - because of this nature of his, to want more. Mika knows very little about demons, but he does know that the demons of his world, at least, center on desire. There is a throughline here.
But he does want to be wanted. He wants to be needed, and to be of use. His parents didn't need him, the orphans didn't need him, and Yuu didn't need him - as much as he tried to force it. Is it... okay for him to not refute this? Is Mika taking advantage of him, again? Is it okay for him to get close to people without warning - "I'll fail you sooner or later, so save yourself the trouble"?
... )
... I don't think I could hate you.
( An easy statement to start with. He'd only hate someone who hurts Yuu, and Yuu isn't here. And, besides - if he starts to think of Ginger as... a certain something else, there's no way he could hate him then.
He rubs his thumb along the back of Ginger's hand, that same uncertain gesture as before. )
... Would you think of me ( more ), if I thought of you that much?
[ Instinctively, his body answers for him first: an abortive move where he starts to tug their clasped hands closer to him, stopping short. It knows what it wants to claim. ]
I do - I am.
[ He does realize in a vague way that it’s not healthy to be the way he is, keeping his world small and exclusive. ]
( He'd felt the start of that tug and wondered where it would've ended up... Just closer?
He thinks that - closer is... fine by him. )
... I think you... you're someone who deserves to be happy. I think you should think about whoever makes you happiest, as much as you want. ( Whoever that is. Rum, or other people here. He means it. ) But if... I do occupy some of your thoughts, even if only a little bit, I guess... I guess I'd be a little happy if thinking of me made you happy, too. Just a tiny bit.
( He can't... ask someone to devote their thoughts to him. Maybe that would make him happy, but he'd be worried, too - because he isn't enough to make someone else happy, and their happiness comes before his. But if he could be... a small but necessary component of that happiness - he'd feel fulfilled. He'd work hard to be an effective cog in that joy machine. And maybe... if he's lucky - he can be a piece of that machine that isn't... so easy to replace. Even if he's just a small part. )
[ He wonders what about him marks him as deserving of happiness. He can’t see it, whatever Mika sees. And Mika can’t seem to see what Ginger sees in him.
Deserving or not, he wants it. He’ll have it. ]
If you’re weird, then what am I? I want so much more all the time.
[ He does, this time, tug Mika’s hand so that it rests soothingly against his warm cheek. His mismatched eyes flutter shut, briefly. Affection he can just take because Mika didn’t fight that at all, did he?
It’s dangerous.
His mind reconstructs Mika perfectly, starting from his hand. Up his arm. Shoulders that fill out the rest of his torso and below. That pale neck. Lips that say it’ll never hate him - his imagination stops there.
He opens his eyes and looks at the real thing. He’d rather look at the face in front of him, so he can read what expression he carries, what the light and dark of his eyes show. ]
Are you a little happy now? Can I make you happier?
( He reddens a little, surprised by the gesture. Ginger's face feels warm against his palm.
Ginger is... a little different than he usually is - but this is the part of himself he's ashamed of, right? It's the part of himself he tries to hide. He isn't sure how to navigate this, but he doesn't want Ginger to feel rejected. Ginger had been good to him when Mika needed to feed, and this is... something similar for Ginger, he thinks. )
... What would make you happy?
( His fingers gently curl into Ginger's hair, press into his cheek.
He raises his other hand, and he offers it - as if giving permission to Ginger to show him what he wants. )
[ His name a near whisper, sounds good coming out of his mouth.
He could take this offered hand and keep him. But he hasn’t forgotten that he needs to be careful, even with someone who seems willing to just - give. The last time Ginger listened to his greed, it was the biggest mistake of his life.
He doesn’t want Mika to be a mistake. ]
I’m happy. [ It’s true in the moment and he catches the other hand. Presses that to his cheek, too, so Mika can feel his smile. His eyes disappear into crescents, both halves dissolving into simple affection. ] You kept the flower.
[ He’d seen the white, asiatic lily on the windowsill. ]
… It makes me happy just to see you. I like being by your side. It’s comfortable with you. [ Different from back home, but comfortable. ] Though it would make me a little happy if I could pick you up so you stop putting yourself down, too.
( Ginger's sweet. He's really sweet. Mika squishes his cheeks a little fondly, before letting his touch relax. He... feels at ease, knowing Ginger's happy - knowing he's doing right by him. )
I'll stop raking myself over the coals when you do. How about that?
( Heh. Poking fun at both of them, a little. He smiles, his expression warm in a way it rarely is. He... is a little bit happy, he thinks, in the here and now. Is that okay? Is he allowed to be? He doesn't deserve it, but... )
... I like the flower. I didn't think I could like flowers anymore. Maybe because it's from you.
( He hasn't gotten flowers since, probably, one of the orphans gave him one since he was a little kid. He didn't think he'd ever get one again.
He shifts closer, his hands pushing forward - fingers running through Ginger's hair unhurriedly, before they eventually come to rest behind Ginger's neck, loosely interlocking. He feels conscious of his pulse. )
[ If they had speech bubbles, Ginger’s would be blossoming shapes, edges rounded with earnest excitement. ]
I’ll give you more.
[ He doesn’t react much to the touching aside from meeting Mika’s gaze, smile spreading as Mika smiles, happiness catching. As though them reaching for one another in these casual little gestures is a natural conclusion of the yet unnamed bond between them.
Like when his family touches him. Like when Rum touches him. ]
Ask me anything you want.
[ As he waits for the question, the pillow is moved to the side to make more room for them both. It had to move eventually anyway. ]
( Would it help... He feels like it'd feel even more embarrassing then.
But... it reminds him a little fo when he and Yuu were kids, so... he does lean in, voice murmuring in his ear. )
... Um... I'm— well, that guy who's important to me, Yuu-chan... We're... family, sort of. We came from the same orphanage, and... everyone was our family there.
( There's a slight, dull throb in his heart when he speaks of it - a reminder of what he'd done. But it has gotten duller than when it first started, his emotions fading; he needs to treasure this hurt, while it lasts. While he still remembers his sin. )
... Is it weird to you if... you also remind me a little of that? Of how family feels?
[ A little of how family feels. Ginger doesn’t know exactly what that means, but he hopes family is good, kind things for Mika. Things Mika won’t feel guilty for wanting. ]
It’s not weird, if that’s how you feel. Do you want us to be a sort-of family?
( Mika pulls back a little from his ear, but not far from Ginger. His hands slip from Ginger's neck, falling over his hands. )
I mean...
( The label seems to resonate with Mika, but he hesitates, since... he knows his experience is kind of unique. He's an orphan, and everyone in the orphanage loved each other. Ginger has a proper blood family that gets along.
And Mika ruined both those things. )
It's fine if you have a better term for it. ( Whatever Ginger wants!! ) I've just... never had a word for these things, except family. For someone you like, or... care about.
[ He turns his head to watch Mika. His blue eyes track each minuscule shift in his expression. It might be creepy that Ginger likes to just… watch… like this. He finds himself doing this to Rum a lot, too.
Something about finding the people you like fascinating in every way? Every shade of light they reflect off their eyelashes is endearing. ]
I know what you mean to me, but I don’t have a word for it. So whatever family means to you, whatever I am to you, it’s fine if you want to call us that.
( Ah... Mika's expression softens, if in a slightly different way - relief, maybe. Comfort? It's something he's been short on for a long time - since the end of the world, and arriving at this one. )
... Okay. Family. ( If he were in catboy era, you'd see a happy tailswish. Alas, ) I haven't added anyone to my family since Yuu-chan. Be proud of that.
( Hands Ginger a little a self esteem... is for u... )
( Oh no... Serotonin for Mika... He's probably going to start doubting and second-guessing himself for this later, but, for now, he's just... happy? Really happy. He's gonna fluff Ginger's hair with Both hands, watch out... )
[ He wrinkles his nose and lets Mika do as he likes. His hair is a disheveled mess after, but that’s okay, if it makes Mika smile like this.
Ginger thinks… he’d be okay with a lot of embarrassing things if it makes Mika smile. ]
Eh, what’s that mean? I’m not a kid, Mika.
[ If anything, Mika’s the cute one. Look at Ginger’s tie, which he loosens and tugs off - clearly not a kid. The buttons of his black collar are worked open, too. ]
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no subject
Tell me, if you ever do?
[ He wants to prioritize Mika during these feedings. ]
Um… I think that urge is supposed to feel nice when it’s with someone you love. [ He wouldn’t know. He’s never - ] It’s terrible that the option was taken from you.
no subject
( If it were him, he'd feel better hearing that, so - he offers that to Ginger. He squeezes his hand tight.
While he doesn't disagree that - losing things due to his vampirism is awful, sex and sexuality is... abstract. He never got a firm grasp of it given his circumstances, and, if anything, it was repellant down in Sanguiem: the slightly older boys with unrepentant libidos, and the vampires, who felt nothing, but knew humans felt humiliation when it came to matters of the body.
He can't say he understands his loss very well, only that it's unfortunate simply because it was taken at all. )
... I've heard that. But... you can probably do other things with someone you love.
( Probably??? His parents weren't the best example, but... in theory... )
... Not that I'd have to worry about it either way, I guess. I'm not exactly an eligible bachelor.
no subject
[ He can talk about her like this because she’s more like his sister, than his mom. Still a little embarrassing, but he must have come from somewhere now that angels aren’t born from the Breath of God anymore. ]
But they love each other a lot.
[ That’s why Ginger also wants something like that. Not whatever this lustful thing in him is. ]
Someone will love you like that, Mika, if that’s something you want. But there’s different types of love, too. However you want to be loved, I think it’ll happen.
no subject
Still... Warm as Ginger's words are, he doesn't know what to think of when it comes to - himself. Gaze falling vaguely over the room briefly, he thinks... he can't imagine a happy future. )
... Is that something you want? To be loved like that?
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I don’t know if someone could love me the way I love them. I’m too much. But if someone - [ Rum, Rum, Rum. ] - could feel towards me a fraction of how I feel for them, then I’ll be happy with that.
They would choose me first, then, wouldn’t they?
[ Some one person.
(Rum eyes, ginger hair.)
Choose me always. Worry about me the most. Love me like you love no one else. ]
no subject
... Yeah.
( ... he thinks that... maybe - maybe, it'll work out. Mika can't be very optimistic for himself, but he can manage it for other people. He can put what remains of his heart into hoping for them. )
It'll happen. You're easy to like.
( Mika likes him, and Mika struggles to like people at all - by nature of what he is, and by personality. For anyone less antisocial for Mika, it should work out fine. )
But you're fine, you know. ( He tugs on Ginger's hand a little, as if lightly scolding. ) You put yourself down a lot. Where'd you pick that up?
( Pot, kettle, etc., but still. )
no subject
I just know what I want and it’s always so much more than what others seem to want. So much greed…
[ He is made up of the anatomy of greed; selfishness runs through his veins; his heart and lungs pump possessiveness; and every breath he takes feels insatiable. And in his dreams he wants. ]
Earlier, you said you were worried about me. That part of me wants you to notice and worry about me - all the time. Constantly, Mika.
Don’t hate me if I won’t let go.
[ Of him. Of this. ]
no subject
But he... doesn't hate it? He remembers what Ginger says about obsessiveness being his inheritance, and he sees it here. He understands what Ginger means, that maybe he can get too much - because of this nature of his, to want more. Mika knows very little about demons, but he does know that the demons of his world, at least, center on desire. There is a throughline here.
But he does want to be wanted. He wants to be needed, and to be of use. His parents didn't need him, the orphans didn't need him, and Yuu didn't need him - as much as he tried to force it. Is it... okay for him to not refute this? Is Mika taking advantage of him, again? Is it okay for him to get close to people without warning - "I'll fail you sooner or later, so save yourself the trouble"?
... )
... I don't think I could hate you.
( An easy statement to start with. He'd only hate someone who hurts Yuu, and Yuu isn't here. And, besides - if he starts to think of Ginger as... a certain something else, there's no way he could hate him then.
He rubs his thumb along the back of Ginger's hand, that same uncertain gesture as before. )
... Would you think of me ( more ), if I thought of you that much?
no subject
[ Instinctively, his body answers for him first: an abortive move where he starts to tug their clasped hands closer to him, stopping short. It knows what it wants to claim. ]
I do - I am.
[ He does realize in a vague way that it’s not healthy to be the way he is, keeping his world small and exclusive. ]
… Is it not enough?
no subject
No, it's— any amount is fine.
( He'd felt the start of that tug and wondered where it would've ended up... Just closer?
He thinks that - closer is... fine by him. )
... I think you... you're someone who deserves to be happy. I think you should think about whoever makes you happiest, as much as you want. ( Whoever that is. Rum, or other people here. He means it. ) But if... I do occupy some of your thoughts, even if only a little bit, I guess... I guess I'd be a little happy if thinking of me made you happy, too. Just a tiny bit.
( He can't... ask someone to devote their thoughts to him. Maybe that would make him happy, but he'd be worried, too - because he isn't enough to make someone else happy, and their happiness comes before his. But if he could be... a small but necessary component of that happiness - he'd feel fulfilled. He'd work hard to be an effective cog in that joy machine. And maybe... if he's lucky - he can be a piece of that machine that isn't... so easy to replace. Even if he's just a small part. )
—Sorry if that's weird.
no subject
Deserving or not, he wants it. He’ll have it. ]
If you’re weird, then what am I? I want so much more all the time.
[ He does, this time, tug Mika’s hand so that it rests soothingly against his warm cheek. His mismatched eyes flutter shut, briefly. Affection he can just take because Mika didn’t fight that at all, did he?
It’s dangerous.
His mind reconstructs Mika perfectly, starting from his hand. Up his arm. Shoulders that fill out the rest of his torso and below. That pale neck. Lips that say it’ll never hate him - his imagination stops there.
He opens his eyes and looks at the real thing. He’d rather look at the face in front of him, so he can read what expression he carries, what the light and dark of his eyes show. ]
Are you a little happy now? Can I make you happier?
no subject
Ginger is... a little different than he usually is - but this is the part of himself he's ashamed of, right? It's the part of himself he tries to hide. He isn't sure how to navigate this, but he doesn't want Ginger to feel rejected. Ginger had been good to him when Mika needed to feed, and this is... something similar for Ginger, he thinks. )
... What would make you happy?
( His fingers gently curl into Ginger's hair, press into his cheek.
He raises his other hand, and he offers it - as if giving permission to Ginger to show him what he wants. )
I'm happy if you are.
no subject
[ His name a near whisper, sounds good coming out of his mouth.
He could take this offered hand and keep him. But he hasn’t forgotten that he needs to be careful, even with someone who seems willing to just - give. The last time Ginger listened to his greed, it was the biggest mistake of his life.
He doesn’t want Mika to be a mistake. ]
I’m happy. [ It’s true in the moment and he catches the other hand. Presses that to his cheek, too, so Mika can feel his smile. His eyes disappear into crescents, both halves dissolving into simple affection. ] You kept the flower.
[ He’d seen the white, asiatic lily on the windowsill. ]
… It makes me happy just to see you. I like being by your side. It’s comfortable with you. [ Different from back home, but comfortable. ] Though it would make me a little happy if I could pick you up so you stop putting yourself down, too.
no subject
I'll stop raking myself over the coals when you do. How about that?
( Heh. Poking fun at both of them, a little. He smiles, his expression warm in a way it rarely is. He... is a little bit happy, he thinks, in the here and now. Is that okay? Is he allowed to be? He doesn't deserve it, but... )
... I like the flower. I didn't think I could like flowers anymore. Maybe because it's from you.
( He hasn't gotten flowers since, probably, one of the orphans gave him one since he was a little kid. He didn't think he'd ever get one again.
He shifts closer, his hands pushing forward - fingers running through Ginger's hair unhurriedly, before they eventually come to rest behind Ginger's neck, loosely interlocking. He feels conscious of his pulse. )
... Can I ask you something weird?
no subject
I’ll give you more.
[ He doesn’t react much to the touching aside from meeting Mika’s gaze, smile spreading as Mika smiles, happiness catching. As though them reaching for one another in these casual little gestures is a natural conclusion of the yet unnamed bond between them.
Like when his family touches him. Like when Rum touches him. ]
Ask me anything you want.
[ As he waits for the question, the pillow is moved to the side to make more room for them both. It had to move eventually anyway. ]
no subject
... I'd like that.
( ... As for the question...
...
...
... )
... Maybe it's too weird.
( Embarrassed........ )
no subject
You can whisper it.
[ They’re the only two in the room, but maybe that’ll help somehow. ]
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But... it reminds him a little fo when he and Yuu were kids, so... he does lean in, voice murmuring in his ear. )
... Um... I'm— well, that guy who's important to me, Yuu-chan... We're... family, sort of. We came from the same orphanage, and... everyone was our family there.
( There's a slight, dull throb in his heart when he speaks of it - a reminder of what he'd done. But it has gotten duller than when it first started, his emotions fading; he needs to treasure this hurt, while it lasts. While he still remembers his sin. )
... Is it weird to you if... you also remind me a little of that? Of how family feels?
( A little like Yuu-chan. )
no subject
So his name is Yuu-chan…
[ A little of how family feels. Ginger doesn’t know exactly what that means, but he hopes family is good, kind things for Mika. Things Mika won’t feel guilty for wanting. ]
It’s not weird, if that’s how you feel. Do you want us to be a sort-of family?
no subject
I mean...
( The label seems to resonate with Mika, but he hesitates, since... he knows his experience is kind of unique. He's an orphan, and everyone in the orphanage loved each other. Ginger has a proper blood family that gets along.
And Mika ruined both those things. )
It's fine if you have a better term for it. ( Whatever Ginger wants!! ) I've just... never had a word for these things, except family. For someone you like, or... care about.
no subject
I haven’t found one yet.
[ He turns his head to watch Mika. His blue eyes track each minuscule shift in his expression. It might be creepy that Ginger likes to just… watch… like this. He finds himself doing this to Rum a lot, too.
Something about finding the people you like fascinating in every way? Every shade of light they reflect off their eyelashes is endearing. ]
I know what you mean to me, but I don’t have a word for it. So whatever family means to you, whatever I am to you, it’s fine if you want to call us that.
It’s, um, sweet actually. I like it.
no subject
... Okay. Family. ( If he were in catboy era, you'd see a happy tailswish. Alas, ) I haven't added anyone to my family since Yuu-chan. Be proud of that.
( Hands Ginger a little a self esteem... is for u... )
no subject
But hey, ignore that and check out his pure and happy smile. He’s so inno - ]
I am! Mika’s family, that’s me now.
no subject
You're really cute, you know that?
no subject
Ginger thinks… he’d be okay with a lot of embarrassing things if it makes Mika smile. ]
Eh, what’s that mean? I’m not a kid, Mika.
[ If anything, Mika’s the cute one. Look at Ginger’s tie, which he loosens and tugs off - clearly not a kid. The buttons of his black collar are worked open, too. ]
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n… sfw
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