( fascinating statement about their age. sick brain has no idea how it's relevant so it just slides off, )
Mmhm. Sanguiem, and the orphanage... could get pretty cold, but... Sometimes just for fun. We were... a big family. We loved each other a lot.
( Fond, sleepy voice, like recalling a pleasant dream. Maybe the one plus about sick smooth brain is the failure to recall context also means he doesn't immediately take on the weight of his crushing guilt when recalling the orphans, for however long that lasts. )
( Better than being family (kissable) right now, in terms of Ahito's survival prospects, surely, )
... Happy as we could be, I think. It was really hard...
( He exhales, soft, his train of thought - drifting? But finding some sort of course, after a moment. )
... They'd cry every day, sometimes. More, in Sanguiem. But... Yuu-chan gave the kids hope. They'd smile, and... I just had to keep them fed. I couldn't... save them from what happened outside our walls, ( experiments - scheming adults - vampires - other children, in Sanguiem; ) but I...
( If he could protect them in there... it wasn't enough, but it was something... right? )
He turns his face into... he means to turn it into the pillow, but it's probably partly into Ahito's hair, thanks to his own grip on him. Remembering... )
... It wasn't... my best. ( Quietly. ) It killed... I killed all of them.
( Mika is quiet for awhile - quiet enough that it seems like maybe his mind has drifted off, or he's fallen asleep; it's a little harder to gauge with a guy who doesn't breathe, whose pulse can't give him away.
Eventually, though: )
... I sucked up to this vampire for... a long time. He gave me food and toys for the kids...
( The hand in his hair is nice, like a counterbalance to the way he feels, the way it reverberates wet and hot at the back of his throat. )
... And in his study I found a map of the underground. I found it, and I went back to the kids, and I told them... we could get out of Sanguiem. We left right then; we ran as fast as we could... The exit was right there.
( His nails dig into Ahito's skin; not painful, but - pained. Maybe for the best he's holding Ahito, else he'd probably be digging his nails, self-punishingly, into himself. )
... How couldn't I tell he was just playing with us...? How was I so stupid and selfish...? I didn't even— they were the ones... who paid the price.
[While he does tense slightly at the sudden digging of nails, he relaxes again soon after once he realizes it won't get any deeper. The pats on the head never stop, and he listens to Mika's story to the very end.
...]
I guess by that logic... I'm the one who killed Mizuki, too.
I trusted in the adults who said I could save her... but in the end, I left her to die alone. The one thing she was afraid of, and I wasn't even there for her.
[He doesn't believe what he's saying, not really; but he did, once, and it reflects in the tone.]
The answer to this should be obvious - maybe less obvious while sick - but he just... can't seem to parse who else there is to blame but yourself - and no one has tried to steer him otherwise, back home. (Not by the point he came here, anyway.) )
( A vaguely thoughtful sound, though the amount of thought behind it is debatable. It's not disapproving, at least - he has never found himself totally out of alignment with Ahito's perspective on revenge. )
... Then maybe I should kill every human and vampire back home. ( He shifts, getting a little more comfortable against him, face less disappeared into the pillow. ) ... Already got started on humans. Researchers.
( Hard to tell if sick rambling or a joke founded on reality. But it is true: researchers, and all their soldiers, and all the innocents kept on hand in their communities - their pool of subjects in the wings, when they needed more. Though, innocents were typically taken as livestock, instead of killed.
It's coincidental, though. He was acting under orders; not pursuing revenge. Most of them just happened to deserve it. )
( u punish miette unfairly...? jail!! jail for ahito!!!
He turns his face up, his air a little sullen as he tries to parse what Ahito says. )
... Ferid?
( his hemd patt........... )
... I don't like him. ( Irrelevant to Ahito's statement, but it must be said. Screw that guy. ) But I should've known better— trusting him was... so stupid. He'd always tell me, too...
( yayy being tormented by the guy who tricked you, everyone's favorite activity )
( ughhh he can sense that answer was somehow not the correct one... the headpats are back, but is this truly a victory :/ )
... Every time... I love someone, they just get hurt—... Even if I said Ferid did one thing... It's just a pattern.
( The common factor in all his failed relationships, himself, etc. )
... And then it's going to happen again. I have to focus on the things I can change, before...
( But considering this keeps happening to him... he clearly hasn't managed to figure what about himself he needs to fix to protect the people he cares for.
In some weird way, blaming himself makes him think maybe there is something he can change about himself to protect the people he loves next time - he just needs to find it. Even if he's destroying himself in the process. )
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Mmhm. Sanguiem, and the orphanage... could get pretty cold, but... Sometimes just for fun. We were... a big family. We loved each other a lot.
( Fond, sleepy voice, like recalling a pleasant dream. Maybe the one plus about sick smooth brain is the failure to recall context also means he doesn't immediately take on the weight of his crushing guilt when recalling the orphans, for however long that lasts. )
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...
Were you happy together? Even though...
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... Happy as we could be, I think. It was really hard...
( He exhales, soft, his train of thought - drifting? But finding some sort of course, after a moment. )
... They'd cry every day, sometimes. More, in Sanguiem. But... Yuu-chan gave the kids hope. They'd smile, and... I just had to keep them fed. I couldn't... save them from what happened outside our walls, ( experiments - scheming adults - vampires - other children, in Sanguiem; ) but I...
( If he could protect them in there... it wasn't enough, but it was something... right? )
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[Hell reach over - pat him on the head again.]
You did your best, didn't you?
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... I don't know.
( He presses his hand a little into Ahito's palm, if it's close enough. )
... probably could've done more.
( Hindsight is 20/20. )
Could always do a lot more.
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There's no way you didn't do the best with what you knew at the time.
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He turns his face into... he means to turn it into the pillow, but it's probably partly into Ahito's hair, thanks to his own grip on him. Remembering... )
... It wasn't... my best. ( Quietly. ) It killed... I killed all of them.
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What happened?
[Still gently petting his hair.]
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Eventually, though: )
... I sucked up to this vampire for... a long time. He gave me food and toys for the kids...
( The hand in his hair is nice, like a counterbalance to the way he feels, the way it reverberates wet and hot at the back of his throat. )
... And in his study I found a map of the underground. I found it, and I went back to the kids, and I told them... we could get out of Sanguiem. We left right then; we ran as fast as we could... The exit was right there.
( His nails dig into Ahito's skin; not painful, but - pained. Maybe for the best he's holding Ahito, else he'd probably be digging his nails, self-punishingly, into himself. )
... How couldn't I tell he was just playing with us...? How was I so stupid and selfish...? I didn't even— they were the ones... who paid the price.
( And he got to live. It isn't fair. )
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...]
I guess by that logic... I'm the one who killed Mizuki, too.
I trusted in the adults who said I could save her... but in the end, I left her to die alone. The one thing she was afraid of, and I wasn't even there for her.
[He doesn't believe what he's saying, not really; but he did, once, and it reflects in the tone.]
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... Maybe. ( He can't dissect the nuances of Ahito's tone, exactly, but... ) ... Do you still carry her weight?
( He does, with the orphans. He's never once set it down. )
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The Mizuki I knew and cared for... the Mizuki I spent all that time with...
Thinking of her cursing me for being unable to save her would be like spitting on her memory.
[Though it took him a long time to realize as much.]
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... What were the orphans like, again...? )
... Then who do you...?
( blame, if not yourself?
The answer to this should be obvious - maybe less obvious while sick - but he just... can't seem to parse who else there is to blame but yourself - and no one has tried to steer him otherwise, back home. (Not by the point he came here, anyway.) )
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They were just using us from the start. ...That's why I have to find them and put a stop to them for good.
So no one ends up the way we did.
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( A vaguely thoughtful sound, though the amount of thought behind it is debatable. It's not disapproving, at least - he has never found himself totally out of alignment with Ahito's perspective on revenge. )
... Then maybe I should kill every human and vampire back home. ( He shifts, getting a little more comfortable against him, face less disappeared into the pillow. ) ... Already got started on humans. Researchers.
( Hard to tell if sick rambling or a joke founded on reality. But it is true: researchers, and all their soldiers, and all the innocents kept on hand in their communities - their pool of subjects in the wings, when they needed more. Though, innocents were typically taken as livestock, instead of killed.
It's coincidental, though. He was acting under orders; not pursuing revenge. Most of them just happened to deserve it. )
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Has every single human and vampire personally wronged you? We were talking about your family, remember?
The one who killed them wasn't you, and it wasn't the rest of the world. It was the vampire who tricked you into thinking you had an escape route.
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He turns his face up, his air a little sullen as he tries to parse what Ahito says. )
... Ferid?
( his hemd patt........... )
... I don't like him. ( Irrelevant to Ahito's statement, but it must be said. Screw that guy. ) But I should've known better— trusting him was... so stupid. He'd always tell me, too...
( yayy being tormented by the guy who tricked you, everyone's favorite activity )
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[Mika................................]
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( Mumbling, uneasy... )
... 'm not going to get better like that...
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... I don't... trust people...
( positive.............? )
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[Headpats resume, but only after he roughly ruffles Mika's hair in disappointment.]
I don't know what's worse: you blaming yourself, or blaming literally everyone else instead of the one guy that actually did it.
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... Every time... I love someone, they just get hurt—... Even if I said Ferid did one thing... It's just a pattern.
( The common factor in all his failed relationships, himself, etc. )
... And then it's going to happen again. I have to focus on the things I can change, before...
( But considering this keeps happening to him... he clearly hasn't managed to figure what about himself he needs to fix to protect the people he cares for.
In some weird way, blaming himself makes him think maybe there is something he can change about himself to protect the people he loves next time - he just needs to find it. Even if he's destroying himself in the process. )
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And I don't think killing all the humans and vampires is going to make you any happier, either. Unless you really want to see me dead that badly?
[As an icky human and all.]
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... No...
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