( Mika mutters his spell, lighting up some candles in his otherwise dark room - which would provide dim lighting to begin with, but right now the sparks are even dimmer. )
... I don't know. I woke up with Ginger. I stayed with him, mostly. I don't think I was out for very long. Things still tasted... felt fresh.
( ... He turns his gaze to Solomon, his muddled gaze, for a moment, crisp. )
[It's just another checkmark in Solomon's list of how unsteady Mika must be emotionally right now, and for good reason.]
He rushed Khun pretty aggressively when we first found you. Malice had to step in to physically separate them before things got too out of hand.
Given the physical changes he had, I think certain parts of him were showing stronger influence than usual. [The demon parts, but y'know. He doesn't know what Mika knows, and that's not his story to explain.]
After you were subdued and the healers had a short time to work on your wounds, Ginger took you back to the rooms to feed you. Unless you've had another visitor between now and then, he's been the only one to feed you, outside of what was taken from Jing Yuan.
( His lips purse tight and his brows furrow as Solomon shares the news, and he leans back against a wall - so heavily it seems like he might slide all the way down. )
... I can't let him do that. Khun could've killed him. He could've done something to himself he couldn't have taken back.
( In a strange turn, he seems almost more concerned about Ginger than the feeding - but in truth both anxieties coexist. It's just that his worries for Ginger nearly eclipse the rest; his fear of doing harm is overwhelming, but his fear for Ginger is even greater than that. )
I don't know that any of us could have stopped him easily, Mika. He wasn't in a state to accept reason.
If this were home, I could do more. But this place is too different for those sorts of solutions.
[His own excitement of a pact aside, it would be a good failsafe to have if his skills were at the level he was used to. But without the Father's blessing as a constant on his ring, he has no guarantee that it wouldn't tear him to shreds.]
Yes. He withdrew from you very quickly once he noticed your state. Yamato placed a curse on you to keep you from attacking anyone else once Jing Yuan was clear - he's fine as well.
( Palms to his neck again, he digs his fingers into his skin. If it happens again... If things go wrong, like with Yuu... )
If he's going to get like that over me - or anyone else - then I'll...
( ... remove them. Them first, Mika last, just to make sure there's someone to carry out this duty. He can't trust anyone else to—
But he'd also thought that about Yuu's friends once upon a time, right? Mmm... )
... No other injuries is fine. That's fine. ( There was definitely visible reaction when Solomon mentioned Yamato - and relief when he said he wasn't hurt. ) If I... If anyone - me or Khun or Ginger or anyone does something again - use that. A curse. Or I really will—...
( Mika trying to be rational (it was an unexpected situation, but they found something that works with the curse) vs anxious and scared (remove all possible triggers that could set off Ginger) )
( He shakes his head sharply, like he did when he was trying to refuse help and healing and blood. )
I can't do that. If I don't think about the future now, Ginger could die when it becomes the present. Something could— I have to think about the risks instead of just— hoping things will be fine, things don't just work out like that.
( Hope, again - and the dangers of it. Death as a constant risk for the fragile bodies of the people he knows. And he would live through it all, as ever, as punishment. )
Ginger could live or die regardless of what you do, Mika. That is not within your control. His troubles are not within your control, and his life is not yours, nor is yours his.
[This sudden fixation on top of the agitation is just screaming all sorts of Bad to him - an accident, a disaster, waiting to happen over a simple fond attachment.]
You're aware that I haven't forgotten your request. Correct?
I haven't. That's only because Yamato acted faster. [Had he been closer, had he not been holding that barrier, they would not be having this conversation.] If I had, I have no doubts now that Ginger would have likely tried to kill me, and then either I would have died, or I would have resorted to defending myself and both of you would have perished.
Thankfully? That's not what happened.
[Another step forward.]
Then figure out where to start rather than blaming yourself.
Have you asked him what he needs? Does he want help, or are you choosing on his behalf out of fear of what you don't know?
( If there's one good thing about this, it's that Solomon mentioning a move to kill Mika would set Ginger off again, and that is the most glaring flaw with Mika's plan to eliminate all potential motivations to act out.
But that just makes him feel helpless - he has to be able to do something. He can't just accept there's nothing he can do.
However.
While Solomon's questions are fair - important, even, given the toxic spiral Mika seeks out and completes, there's something more important here, something that cuts his voice cold and sharp as he pushes from the wall. )
Don't you ever lay a hand on Ginger. I don't care why. If he comes after you, get out, or just lay down and die.
[Mika goes ice cold, and yet Solomon remains eerily calm.]
I'm afraid I can't do that, Mika. Just like I would kill you if you were to be a danger and could not be controlled, I would do the same with Ginger. I do not make exceptions.
( One thing Solomon has as advantage over Mika is experience Mika cannot even begin to hope to match. Mika's expression is cool - anxiety and fear drained away in the face of brutal necessity.
But what Solomon is probably guess - might be familiar to him, in context and tone - that this is the look of someone weighing a means to kill him. )
How is removing someone willing to kill him at the drop of a hat not going to help him? I don't care if everyone hates me after. I'd do whatever it takes for him to be okay.
And what do you think he would say of what you asked me to do to you? If he killed me to stop that, and it meant that you had no one willing to stop you without more bloodshed?
Would you think that was helpful? Would that make him happy?
( Heels dug into the floor and thumb pressed against his rapier's hilt, Mika knows he isn't in a state to fight - not with someone who has proper control of their magic when he doesn't right now (and he doesn't, not as acutely as Solomon, Mika's own heart a little too decayed to make for clear casting), and not with someone whose magic innately skews toward offense. He doesn't know Solomon's full battery of abilities, either. He'd just have to be fast, and that would have to be enough. He and Khun aren't totally different in the end.
But they are distinguished in this way: when Solomon mentions Ginger's happiness, Mika pauses. His sole concern is Ginger's longevity and joy. He is not above making cruel choices for Ginger for his own good, even if Ginger protests.
But Mika is cautious, and he weighs his options first. He will not make that choice unless he's confident in its truth, and right now he isn't fully sure. )
... As long as he's alive, he can find a way to be happy again.
( But he doesn't necessarily argue what Solomon says. )
And if I'm the one who makes him unhappy, I'd remove myself, too.
( Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice... )
cw: suicidal ideation talk to be safe until they're done with this topic
But his wavering is human - human, because his decayed heart tells him it doesn't matter. Let Ginger be upset, just for the moment - it will pass, he will alive, and he will be fine.
And he will be alive because Mika will have removed every threat to Ginger's life prior. )
... If I can do right by him, then I will. I've done it for Yuu-chan, and I'd do it for Ginger. My life isn't worth much, but it is worth that.
( But even now, in the faint stirrings of his heart, he remembers what Ginger had said: that he wouldn't set Mika's weight down. That maybe Ginger wouldn't just get over him - that Mika's memory might be a weight too heavy to carry.
[Carefully, carefully, his hand slips for his wand. His pulse still moves, a tip to the caution as well as the fear, prey with their ears up and their attention forward.]
How is that doing right by him?
How is that doing right by anything other than your own fear, Mika? You can find ways to work with him, but this isn't it.
This isn't about Ginger. This has not been about Ginger. I am worried about you right now.
( Solomon's tension feeds into his own as if theirs was a heartbeat shared, and he doesn't miss the slight movement toward his wand, his eyesight perfect in the dark.
I'm not going to allow you to hurt me, and I'm not going to allow you to leave this room if you cannot get a hold of yourself. But I would be a monster if I let you hurt yourself.
[The part of him that sees the human, the part of him that is watching it wither and wondering what is merciful.]
If there's anything that makes him falter - more than even his uncertainty over which path is best for Ginger, by his own bloody hands - it's this word, which, when from the lips of another, lands like a stake to the heart.
( While it's hard to say if it makes Mika any less agitated, it reroutes his anxieties a different way - one that seems to, for the time being, deprive him of his hostility - hobbled by a different sort of torment.
... )
... I can't do anything.
( A final, frustrated confession - not a threat, not a cool word from a fanged maw. Just hurt. Being alive hurts.
If there is anything that being a vampire allows you, it is a desperation for the death you were forever denied. )
He doesn't let his grip go on his wand at first. He keeps himself steady, stable, bracing.
As Mika's emotions crumple into themselves in fragile cracks and crevices, his heartbeat finally starts to slow. Intentional breaths.
...
He keeps his steps cautious. But he will carefully close the distance, letting his wand go back into hiding, letting his hand rest, very gently, on the top of Mika's head.
Being alive truly, truly hurts. There's nothing he can do to take that away, for Mika or for himself.]
I believe you can. [It's quiet.]
Just don't lose yourself before you see what you can do.
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... I don't know. I woke up with Ginger. I stayed with him, mostly. I don't think I was out for very long. Things still tasted... felt fresh.
( ... He turns his gaze to Solomon, his muddled gaze, for a moment, crisp. )
What happened to Ginger?
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He rushed Khun pretty aggressively when we first found you. Malice had to step in to physically separate them before things got too out of hand.
Given the physical changes he had, I think certain parts of him were showing stronger influence than usual. [The demon parts, but y'know. He doesn't know what Mika knows, and that's not his story to explain.]
After you were subdued and the healers had a short time to work on your wounds, Ginger took you back to the rooms to feed you. Unless you've had another visitor between now and then, he's been the only one to feed you, outside of what was taken from Jing Yuan.
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... I can't let him do that. Khun could've killed him. He could've done something to himself he couldn't have taken back.
( In a strange turn, he seems almost more concerned about Ginger than the feeding - but in truth both anxieties coexist. It's just that his worries for Ginger nearly eclipse the rest; his fear of doing harm is overwhelming, but his fear for Ginger is even greater than that. )
... Is Jing Yuan alive?
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If this were home, I could do more. But this place is too different for those sorts of solutions.
[His own excitement of a pact aside, it would be a good failsafe to have if his skills were at the level he was used to. But without the Father's blessing as a constant on his ring, he has no guarantee that it wouldn't tear him to shreds.]
Yes. He withdrew from you very quickly once he noticed your state. Yamato placed a curse on you to keep you from attacking anyone else once Jing Yuan was clear - he's fine as well.
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( Palms to his neck again, he digs his fingers into his skin. If it happens again... If things go wrong, like with Yuu... )
If he's going to get like that over me - or anyone else - then I'll...
( ... remove them. Them first, Mika last, just to make sure there's someone to carry out this duty. He can't trust anyone else to—
But he'd also thought that about Yuu's friends once upon a time, right? Mmm... )
... No other injuries is fine. That's fine. ( There was definitely visible reaction when Solomon mentioned Yamato - and relief when he said he wasn't hurt. ) If I... If anyone - me or Khun or Ginger or anyone does something again - use that. A curse. Or I really will—...
( Mika trying to be rational (it was an unexpected situation, but they found something that works with the curse) vs anxious and scared (remove all possible triggers that could set off Ginger) )
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[It's strict and sharp, but Solomon's pulse stays extremely calm.
He takes a step forward, slow and steady.]
Deep breaths.
You're fine. He's fine.
[Neither of them are okay, he thinks, but they're alive.]
Don't let your mind go to the future until you can let it accept the present.
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I can't do that. If I don't think about the future now, Ginger could die when it becomes the present. Something could— I have to think about the risks instead of just— hoping things will be fine, things don't just work out like that.
( Hope, again - and the dangers of it. Death as a constant risk for the fragile bodies of the people he knows. And he would live through it all, as ever, as punishment. )
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[This sudden fixation on top of the agitation is just screaming all sorts of Bad to him - an accident, a disaster, waiting to happen over a simple fond attachment.]
You're aware that I haven't forgotten your request. Correct?
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( Not necessarily an accusation— but he clearly doesn't understand why, when he knows he was a risk. )
I'm not God, I can't control— things. But I can't just accept there's nothing I can do to help him.
( No matter how badly that runs him down. )
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Thankfully? That's not what happened.
[Another step forward.]
Then figure out where to start rather than blaming yourself.
Have you asked him what he needs? Does he want help, or are you choosing on his behalf out of fear of what you don't know?
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But that just makes him feel helpless - he has to be able to do something. He can't just accept there's nothing he can do.
However.
While Solomon's questions are fair - important, even, given the toxic spiral Mika seeks out and completes, there's something more important here, something that cuts his voice cold and sharp as he pushes from the wall. )
Don't you ever lay a hand on Ginger. I don't care why. If he comes after you, get out, or just lay down and die.
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I'm afraid I can't do that, Mika. Just like I would kill you if you were to be a danger and could not be controlled, I would do the same with Ginger. I do not make exceptions.
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But what Solomon is probably guess - might be familiar to him, in context and tone - that this is the look of someone weighing a means to kill him. )
... Even at the risk of your own life?
( A very immediate risk. )
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[Firm.]
Do not threaten me, Mika. This is not going to help either of you. You know that.
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How is removing someone willing to kill him at the drop of a hat not going to help him? I don't care if everyone hates me after. I'd do whatever it takes for him to be okay.
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Would you think that was helpful? Would that make him happy?
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But they are distinguished in this way: when Solomon mentions Ginger's happiness, Mika pauses. His sole concern is Ginger's longevity and joy. He is not above making cruel choices for Ginger for his own good, even if Ginger protests.
But Mika is cautious, and he weighs his options first. He will not make that choice unless he's confident in its truth, and right now he isn't fully sure. )
... As long as he's alive, he can find a way to be happy again.
( But he doesn't necessarily argue what Solomon says. )
And if I'm the one who makes him unhappy, I'd remove myself, too.
( Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice... )
cw: suicidal ideation talk to be safe until they're done with this topic
That is what gets Solomon's pulse to finally quicken.]
Mika. You're not thinking rationally. If you care about him, think very, very carefully about what you're saying. Think about how he reacted.
I know you're very, very scared. But this isn't a solution.
cw: suicidal ideation jic
So now you care about him?
( He nearly hisses, the sound almost bestial.
But his wavering is human - human, because his decayed heart tells him it doesn't matter. Let Ginger be upset, just for the moment - it will pass, he will alive, and he will be fine.
And he will be alive because Mika will have removed every threat to Ginger's life prior. )
... If I can do right by him, then I will. I've done it for Yuu-chan, and I'd do it for Ginger. My life isn't worth much, but it is worth that.
( But even now, in the faint stirrings of his heart, he remembers what Ginger had said: that he wouldn't set Mika's weight down. That maybe Ginger wouldn't just get over him - that Mika's memory might be a weight too heavy to carry.
But if not this, what else could he do? )
cw: suicidal ideation jic
How is that doing right by him?
How is that doing right by anything other than your own fear, Mika? You can find ways to work with him, but this isn't it.
This isn't about Ginger. This has not been about Ginger. I am worried about you right now.
cw: suicidal ideation jic
He narrows his eyes, quiet - the air taut. )
... Then what are you getting your wand for?
( His own hand on his rapier, gaze still. )
cw: suicidal ideation jic
I'm not going to allow you to hurt me, and I'm not going to allow you to leave this room if you cannot get a hold of yourself. But I would be a monster if I let you hurt yourself.
[The part of him that sees the human, the part of him that is watching it wither and wondering what is merciful.]
So I need you to calm down. Okay?
/2 cw: suicidal ideation jic
If there's anything that makes him falter - more than even his uncertainty over which path is best for Ginger, by his own bloody hands - it's this word, which, when from the lips of another, lands like a stake to the heart.
Ah... )
cw: suicidal ideation
... )
... I can't do anything.
( A final, frustrated confession - not a threat, not a cool word from a fanged maw. Just hurt. Being alive hurts.
If there is anything that being a vampire allows you, it is a desperation for the death you were forever denied. )
... I just... want to save someone, for once.
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He doesn't let his grip go on his wand at first. He keeps himself steady, stable, bracing.
As Mika's emotions crumple into themselves in fragile cracks and crevices, his heartbeat finally starts to slow. Intentional breaths.
...
He keeps his steps cautious. But he will carefully close the distance, letting his wand go back into hiding, letting his hand rest, very gently, on the top of Mika's head.
Being alive truly, truly hurts. There's nothing he can do to take that away, for Mika or for himself.]
I believe you can. [It's quiet.]
Just don't lose yourself before you see what you can do.
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cw: effectively fantasizing about flagellation
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