( Normally, Mika locks his door. But, tonight, he's still emotionally compromised, so he's forgotten, and in Tatara goes.
What greets Tatara is a pitch black room. Nothing stirs in it at first; it seems as if Mika isn't here, from where the sliver of the hall's light spills in. Mika had heard the familiar weight and cadence of his steps before he heard his voice to confirm it, and so he knew to expect him.
Eventually, though, there is a shifting; Mika's couch recessed in a wood frame can serve as a bed - he just never uses it that way. Tonight, though, he's under the blankets draped over it; completely so, curled up, so in the shadows, his form had seemed part of the room.
Slowly, Mika pushes himself up, the blanket falling away. Mika is dressed simply, and his gaze is hard to read within the slight light that reaches his face. There is shame, much like the other night. But also - rumination. The look of someone who's been anxious about too much and he's been spending his time thinking himself in circles, thinking of every bad thing that could come.
Rather than miserable, he looks exhausted. He's just been thinking, and thinking, and thinking. )
[ Ah, he looks rough... Tatara can tell, even in the dim light.
He only saw the aftermath, and he only heard about what happened secondhand. It's too bad he wasn't there to diffuse the situation himself, but he'll do what he can to smooth things over.
He won't bother with the light, or pulling open the curtains. But he'll leave the door open a crack, just for a little bit of light for himself.
He'll stride across the room to Mika's bed, and he gently sits himself down on the foot of it. ]
[ For someone who takes (his own) life and death pretty lightly, that isn't the same for his wizards. Tatara's eyes gleam softly in the low light, and he stares at Mika. ]
( A slight emphasis on "can." The ability to die is... so discomfitingly in reach. He's gone without it for years now, he'd forgotten what it was like.
... )
... I don't know. ( Sorta. ) I was talking to this guy I hadn't spoken to before. In the middle of that... I could hear his voice in my head. I thought he was playing a trick on me, since I remember he was sorted West.
( He remembers the West wizard rep!! He pays attention!! Might have backfired here, though. Mika will almost always access stereotypes and assumptions before the understanding of an individual - though, in this case, he had no individual understanding to fall back on. )
... When I said I could hear certain things in his voice, but things he hadn't said with his lips... He reacted badly and tried to kill me.
I couldn't hear his voice in my head after that, either, so I don't know why that happened.
[ Tatara nods along, understanding. The West rep, more precisely. That Mika is now physically capable of dying is still something that doesn't quite register (he hasn't caught up on his vampire lore), so he skips over it for now.
When Mika's done telling his story, he tilts his head, and thinks. ]
A curse?
[ He asks Mika's internal question out loud. It's his first idea.
He stares at him for a moment longer, then shakes his head. ] Mm, I can't actually sense any magic, so I don't know if there's anything lingering on you, but...
[ He thinks in a tangent again. Why is he asking about causes and solutions when he should be sympathizing instead? Holding his hand? Telling him it's all right? ]
Tatara tilts his head, trying to get a better look at Mika in the dim. He can see the scar on his neck, and he can more clearly see how tired he is now, but nothing out of the ordinary besides that. ]
Are you sure? Did you check to see if they had some kind of...enchantment, or something on it beforehand?
[ He wish he knew a little more about this stuff. ]
[ ...But knowing it really isn't much help, he adds: ]
Some things make their way to us enchanted, I guess. You should be careful. [ He pats Mika's leg, or foot, or whatever he ends up touching within arm's reach. ] I don't want to lose you.
( It seems it's entirely possible, and now he's going to have to scavenge for the glasses to check (but he won't find them; thanks, Cid). He still struggles with magic some thanks to the state of his heart, so he didn't think to exert the effort into scanning them...
He purses his lips slightly, at the pat leg - not upset, just... frustrated with everything. )
... It's not like I'm even supposed to be around anymore.
( His gaze falls to the sheets. )
If I die, that's just things going back to how they're supposed to be.
[ Ah-ha... Suddenly, things make a lot more sense.
Tatara takes off his sage hat (figuratively) and his demeanor shifts, just slightly. ]
You're not the only one.
[ In the dim, he gives a strained, little smile. ]
But you're alive here, and now. You may not agree with me, but I think that's worth something. As far as I'm concerned, you are supposed to be here. You are an important part of this group. If something happened to you, we'd have to start all over again.
[ He doesn't understand what it's like to yearn so strongly for death... Tatara? He's just waiting.
He pats Mika's foot lump in the blankets again. ]
I don't know how long we're in this for, but just hang on in the meanwhile, okay?
What Tatara says earns a reaction from Mika, though subtle - he glances to him suddenly and holds his gaze there, unsure, at first, how to feel. That there are people who relate to his experience across his strangest dimensions is - discomfiting, to him. Still something he's getting used to.
It glances across the room, toward nothing in particular. )
... It's cowardly, but I... was a little relieved when I went. I didn't have to feel bad anymore. I didn't have to worry about the future.
( Maybe Tatara would get it, maybe he wouldn't - but at least he would be speaking from a close enough vantage point.
Living is really hard, when you're as tender-hearted as Mika can be - all emotion with no outlet for expression. Losing all his feelings, in some way, would have been a proper mercy.
But now he's here, expected to live among others, expected to operate in a group. And he doesn't trust himself to operate in one well - look at the trouble he's gotten himself into so far. )
... I can't think of any reason I'd be good for this group, or important for them. Maybe you're settling into things well, but... I don't know how.
Tatara leans forward, propping his chin on his palm. He isn't looking at Mika like this, but he feels like he needs to give Mika some space, and not make too much eye contact. ]
Relief... I guess I could see that.
[ Tatara had said goodbye, and was satisfied.
There's a pause before he speaks again: ]
I wish I could tell you the exact reasons why you were chosen, or claimed by the spirits that did. But I think that you were should say enough. Maybe...we just haven't figured out what those are yet.
[ Did he settle in well? He isn't sure. He feels like he's just playing with toys in his waiting room.
He smiles, even if he isn't sure Mika can see it. ]
I've just been here a little longer than you, that's all. I don't know if I'm settling in or even doing my job well. But I know... [ Is it bad of him to say this? ] We won't be here forever, I don't think. Can you just hang on until then?
[ The implication is there: Mika's desired end will come to him, he just has to wait. ]
( Mika is quiet for a time, but... finally, he nods. He can accept that, he thinks. Let the spirits have their mysteries; he just had to a little bit longer, and he could return to his cowardly end - free from his guilt, free from the pain; abandoned Yuu, and left him only vaguely safe; abandoned...
[ There comes a light little laugh. Maybe not the reaction Mika's expecting, but it's one fitting someone whose entire life has been dedicated to floating, untethered. ]
I'm not sure if I can live in a world without my king.
[ Said casually, like the shop he's in doesn't have the brand of laundry detergent he likes. Like he'll just leave, and go somewhere else. ]
[ He sighs and smiles, and there's that comfortable, familiar warmth in his chest. ]
He was the greatest person I knew. I don't think I'd ever met anyone so naturally majestic... I just wished I could have dedicated everything I was to him.
( Those words may not match Yuu beat for beat, but the sentiment does; the warmth in his tone, the comfort in his bones.
The sense of something missing, of missing him.
(secret east skill: 1000 mirror projection no jutsu) )
... I wouldn't be so patient if I had someone like that to go back to.
( Well, Mika is logical - in truth: if playing Sage were his only way back, then he probably would resign to the position too, if it meant going back to Yuu. But in this moment? He can't fathom it. He can't imagine wasting a single second away from Yuu after he'd finally found him again.
But... that's all he has now - time away from him. )
[ There's too many questions surrounding his survival, how he'll get back... Tatara just assumes he can't, or he'll die anyway when he gets there. It's nice to hear from Mika, though, that he has some faith in his ability to get back.
Here, they differ in perspective. Tatara turns his attention back to Mika, eyes soft in the dim. ]
... Because he has other people more important than me now.
( His fingers curl slight into the blankets around them. )
... And... I think that's how it should be. ( It's not how he wants it to be, though. There's the faintest remnants of strife in his voice. ) ... When I died as a human - when I was made a vampire... that was when he chose to live a life without me. Because you need to let go of the dead. Because... the dead can't.
( Look at the both of them, still clinging. The Granvelle Ghost, too, will probably become another example of this in Mika's mind, once it comes around.
Until then, though, it's just them, and their memories, in this quiet room. )
[ At that, Tatara mysteriously smiles. Not that he smiles in a mysterious manner, but that the cause for his smile remains a mystery.
Mika is talking about being left behind. But Tatara in his life adrift, has never for a second wondered about things like that. Maybe it's nice to live life like the wind, untethered but constant, choosing to envelop the people he chooses and not particularly caring if they miss him or not. ]
Maybe. But even so, he might keep you and your memory in a special place in his heart. People aren't easy to replace. He might've been happier in only a unique way you could've given him when you were around. He might miss you more than you realize. He might not.
[ He knows that someone who worries so intensely, who assigns concrete values to the unknown, isn't someone he's going to get through to easily. It's all conjecture at this point, so he shrugs. ]
But there's no way to know for certain. At least... [ He looks away again, eyes falling shut, like a cat enjoying the warm sunshine through a window. ] All I can really do is hope that our time together meant something. And that he's proud of me.
[ He doesn't know that his dearest king would then go on a suicide mission to avenge his death, threatening to take greater Tokyo with him.
( Though there's maybe no magic word to get Mika to learn how to relax his grip on his fear, the even way in which Tatara addresses it, at least, does seem to reach him. It's a perspective that is neither certain of the good or bad, but suggests an understanding of both without being uncertain. It's a little like how Jing Yuan talks, in a way.
He thinks... He hopes the same, for him and Yuu. (He likewise doesn't know Yuu tried to throw his life away immediately after - though he was thankfully stopped.) Though he doesn't cry, his eyes are faintly wet - a fact betrayed only when his head happens to turn at just the right angle to reflect the indirect light. )
... You seem like someone easy to like. I'd be surprised if he weren't, I guess.
( He says this even though he walked out on Tatara last they spoke. While he and Tatara may not be a proper match - in Mika's perspective - he can see the general genre of person Tatara is. A human - selfish and flawed, surely - but not as awful as the worst he's seen. )
[ When he glances over, Tatara sees the glimmer of tears but makes no remark of it. He doesn't know Mika all that well, but Tatara knows himself—he won't throw himself at Mika to make him feel better, he won't make a big deal out of it. He gives a small, sympathetic smile, but that's it. He doesn't really care if Mika sees it or not.
He looks away, too. ]
Wah, you're so kind. [ He touches his fingers to his chest. His heart stirs! Or something. Now's not the time for dramatics. ] It's just how I see things. A lot of people don't like it. [ Ginger. Ahito. ]
But I'm glad you have that faith in him, Mika. Thanks.
[ That last statement, said with full earnestness. ]
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post The Incident
Too bad, because your sage is here. ]
Mika.
[ He won't knock; instead, he tries the door knob, and will push the door open if it's unlocked. Let him in... ]
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What greets Tatara is a pitch black room. Nothing stirs in it at first; it seems as if Mika isn't here, from where the sliver of the hall's light spills in. Mika had heard the familiar weight and cadence of his steps before he heard his voice to confirm it, and so he knew to expect him.
Eventually, though, there is a shifting; Mika's couch recessed in a wood frame can serve as a bed - he just never uses it that way. Tonight, though, he's under the blankets draped over it; completely so, curled up, so in the shadows, his form had seemed part of the room.
Slowly, Mika pushes himself up, the blanket falling away. Mika is dressed simply, and his gaze is hard to read within the slight light that reaches his face. There is shame, much like the other night. But also - rumination. The look of someone who's been anxious about too much and he's been spending his time thinking himself in circles, thinking of every bad thing that could come.
Rather than miserable, he looks exhausted. He's just been thinking, and thinking, and thinking. )
... What is it?
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[ Ah, he looks rough... Tatara can tell, even in the dim light.
He only saw the aftermath, and he only heard about what happened secondhand. It's too bad he wasn't there to diffuse the situation himself, but he'll do what he can to smooth things over.
He won't bother with the light, or pulling open the curtains. But he'll leave the door open a crack, just for a little bit of light for himself.
He'll stride across the room to Mika's bed, and he gently sits himself down on the foot of it. ]
How are you doing?
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His gaze drops at the question. )
... I lived.
( A statement of fact, or a measure of disappointment? Hard to say. )
... I think I can die now.
( A perhaps ominous sentence to state without context. Nevertheless, )
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[ For someone who takes (his own) life and death pretty lightly, that isn't the same for his wizards. Tatara's eyes gleam softly in the low light, and he stares at Mika. ]
Tell me what happened.
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( A slight emphasis on "can." The ability to die is... so discomfitingly in reach. He's gone without it for years now, he'd forgotten what it was like.
... )
... I don't know. ( Sorta. ) I was talking to this guy I hadn't spoken to before. In the middle of that... I could hear his voice in my head. I thought he was playing a trick on me, since I remember he was sorted West.
( He remembers the West wizard rep!! He pays attention!! Might have backfired here, though. Mika will almost always access stereotypes and assumptions before the understanding of an individual - though, in this case, he had no individual understanding to fall back on. )
... When I said I could hear certain things in his voice, but things he hadn't said with his lips... He reacted badly and tried to kill me.
I couldn't hear his voice in my head after that, either, so I don't know why that happened.
( A curse...? )
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When Mika's done telling his story, he tilts his head, and thinks. ]
A curse?
[ He asks Mika's internal question out loud. It's his first idea.
He stares at him for a moment longer, then shakes his head. ] Mm, I can't actually sense any magic, so I don't know if there's anything lingering on you, but...
[ He thinks in a tangent again. Why is he asking about causes and solutions when he should be sympathizing instead? Holding his hand? Telling him it's all right? ]
Did you eat anything weird beforehand?
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... I didn't do anything different that night.
( Though... didn't he?
... )
... Well... I did do one thing different - I was wearing glasses I got from some job. But... those are just glasses.
( Right? )
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Tatara tilts his head, trying to get a better look at Mika in the dim. He can see the scar on his neck, and he can more clearly see how tired he is now, but nothing out of the ordinary besides that. ]
Are you sure? Did you check to see if they had some kind of...enchantment, or something on it beforehand?
[ He wish he knew a little more about this stuff. ]
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........... )
... Why would they be enchanted?
( This is not a real question. What he actually means to convey is a statement: I'm going to be really pissed off if you're right.
(... And then blame himself, as usual.) )
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I dunno.
[ ...But knowing it really isn't much help, he adds: ]
Some things make their way to us enchanted, I guess. You should be careful. [ He pats Mika's leg, or foot, or whatever he ends up touching within arm's reach. ] I don't want to lose you.
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He purses his lips slightly, at the pat leg - not upset, just... frustrated with everything. )
... It's not like I'm even supposed to be around anymore.
( His gaze falls to the sheets. )
If I die, that's just things going back to how they're supposed to be.
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Tatara takes off his sage hat (figuratively) and his demeanor shifts, just slightly. ]
You're not the only one.
[ In the dim, he gives a strained, little smile. ]
But you're alive here, and now. You may not agree with me, but I think that's worth something. As far as I'm concerned, you are supposed to be here. You are an important part of this group. If something happened to you, we'd have to start all over again.
[ He doesn't understand what it's like to yearn so strongly for death... Tatara? He's just waiting.
He pats Mika's foot lump in the blankets again. ]
I don't know how long we're in this for, but just hang on in the meanwhile, okay?
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What Tatara says earns a reaction from Mika, though subtle - he glances to him suddenly and holds his gaze there, unsure, at first, how to feel. That there are people who relate to his experience across his strangest dimensions is - discomfiting, to him. Still something he's getting used to.
It glances across the room, toward nothing in particular. )
... It's cowardly, but I... was a little relieved when I went. I didn't have to feel bad anymore. I didn't have to worry about the future.
( Maybe Tatara would get it, maybe he wouldn't - but at least he would be speaking from a close enough vantage point.
Living is really hard, when you're as tender-hearted as Mika can be - all emotion with no outlet for expression. Losing all his feelings, in some way, would have been a proper mercy.
But now he's here, expected to live among others, expected to operate in a group. And he doesn't trust himself to operate in one well - look at the trouble he's gotten himself into so far. )
... I can't think of any reason I'd be good for this group, or important for them. Maybe you're settling into things well, but... I don't know how.
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Tatara leans forward, propping his chin on his palm. He isn't looking at Mika like this, but he feels like he needs to give Mika some space, and not make too much eye contact. ]
Relief... I guess I could see that.
[ Tatara had said goodbye, and was satisfied.
There's a pause before he speaks again: ]
I wish I could tell you the exact reasons why you were chosen, or claimed by the spirits that did. But I think that you were should say enough. Maybe...we just haven't figured out what those are yet.
[ Did he settle in well? He isn't sure. He feels like he's just playing with toys in his waiting room.
He smiles, even if he isn't sure Mika can see it. ]
I've just been here a little longer than you, that's all. I don't know if I'm settling in or even doing my job well. But I know... [ Is it bad of him to say this? ] We won't be here forever, I don't think. Can you just hang on until then?
[ The implication is there: Mika's desired end will come to him, he just has to wait. ]
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... )
... You don't want to keep living?
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I'm not sure if I can live in a world without my king.
[ Said casually, like the shop he's in doesn't have the brand of laundry detergent he likes. Like he'll just leave, and go somewhere else. ]
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... Your king?
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[ He sighs and smiles, and there's that comfortable, familiar warmth in his chest. ]
He was the greatest person I knew. I don't think I'd ever met anyone so naturally majestic... I just wished I could have dedicated everything I was to him.
[ He closes his eyes. ]
It feels empty without him.
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The sense of something missing, of missing him.
(secret east skill: 1000 mirror projection no jutsu) )
... I wouldn't be so patient if I had someone like that to go back to.
( Well, Mika is logical - in truth: if playing Sage were his only way back, then he probably would resign to the position too, if it meant going back to Yuu. But in this moment? He can't fathom it. He can't imagine wasting a single second away from Yuu after he'd finally found him again.
But... that's all he has now - time away from him. )
But I know he's happy without me right now.
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Here, they differ in perspective. Tatara turns his attention back to Mika, eyes soft in the dim. ]
What makes you say that?
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( His fingers curl slight into the blankets around them. )
... And... I think that's how it should be. ( It's not how he wants it to be, though. There's the faintest remnants of strife in his voice. ) ... When I died as a human - when I was made a vampire... that was when he chose to live a life without me. Because you need to let go of the dead. Because... the dead can't.
( Look at the both of them, still clinging. The Granvelle Ghost, too, will probably become another example of this in Mika's mind, once it comes around.
Until then, though, it's just them, and their memories, in this quiet room. )
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Mika is talking about being left behind. But Tatara in his life adrift, has never for a second wondered about things like that. Maybe it's nice to live life like the wind, untethered but constant, choosing to envelop the people he chooses and not particularly caring if they miss him or not. ]
Maybe. But even so, he might keep you and your memory in a special place in his heart. People aren't easy to replace. He might've been happier in only a unique way you could've given him when you were around. He might miss you more than you realize. He might not.
[ He knows that someone who worries so intensely, who assigns concrete values to the unknown, isn't someone he's going to get through to easily. It's all conjecture at this point, so he shrugs. ]
But there's no way to know for certain. At least... [ He looks away again, eyes falling shut, like a cat enjoying the warm sunshine through a window. ] All I can really do is hope that our time together meant something. And that he's proud of me.
[ He doesn't know that his dearest king would then go on a suicide mission to avenge his death, threatening to take greater Tokyo with him.
He'd be furious. ]
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He thinks... He hopes the same, for him and Yuu. (He likewise doesn't know Yuu tried to throw his life away immediately after - though he was thankfully stopped.) Though he doesn't cry, his eyes are faintly wet - a fact betrayed only when his head happens to turn at just the right angle to reflect the indirect light. )
... You seem like someone easy to like. I'd be surprised if he weren't, I guess.
( He says this even though he walked out on Tatara last they spoke. While he and Tatara may not be a proper match - in Mika's perspective - he can see the general genre of person Tatara is. A human - selfish and flawed, surely - but not as awful as the worst he's seen. )
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He looks away, too. ]
Wah, you're so kind. [ He touches his fingers to his chest. His heart stirs! Or something. Now's not the time for dramatics. ] It's just how I see things. A lot of people don't like it. [ Ginger. Ahito. ]
But I'm glad you have that faith in him, Mika. Thanks.
[ That last statement, said with full earnestness. ]
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