[Malice has had some time to think about everything that happened yesterday, and it's left him feeling on edge. He doesn't really have anyone to talk to about all of this... but he finds himself staring at Yamato's door anyway. After a moment of thought, he returns to his room, grabbing a bottle of wine and returning to Yamato's door, to at least pretend to have a reason to talk to him that isn't "so I'm feeling kind of upset by everything that happened" because that would just be a silly reason. Malice can't afford weakness like that, after all.
He would knock, but he's got the claws on and he has the bottle in his good hand, so after spending a moment looking between his hands and the door and quietly complaining about his inability to not be edgy for five minutes, Malice speaks up.]
Knock, knock! Got somethin' for ya, Yama.
[That's totally the only reason why he's visiting tonight, don't worry about it.]
[ Yamato has his own feelings on what took place, feelings that he's been somewhat able to digest and discuss with others. Still, he holds his cards close to his chest and thus far hasn't mentioned any of his worries about the situation to Malice yet – or anyone, really.
He's reading when he hears shouting from outside. He opens the door and... ]
Go right ahead, didn't plan on givin' it to you for decoration!
[Though it would at least be some more decoration in this depressing room smh... Anyway, Malice enters, grinning at his piece of artwork (the table) as he goes.]
[Malice notices, of course - his gaze flicks upwards for a moment and his head tips slightly as he tries to figure out what that is. He shakes his head, but the bubble is still there, still saying those three words.]
I guess I am. I'm not really used to lookin' out for anyone else, y'know? Just me.
[Even while he was working with Cody and the rebels, he still was only taking care of himself. It's tiring looking out for others.
His gaze returns to Yamato, deciding to just dismiss that strange bubble.]
I was hopin' I could just be mad at Khun for what he did - an' tried to do - but turns out he had a decent reason for attackin' Mika, an' even though he says he won't do it again...
[Malice sighs and props his good elbow on the table.]
No, Malice hasn't suddenly gained the ability to read minds. But since Khun brought it up, he can't help but wonder. Maybe it was something like he and Yamato experienced earlier, where those phantoms appeared. Maybe that's how Mika was able to see what Khun was thinking, and maybe this is—
No. He's not going to humor that train of thought. This is just some weird magical effect or something, but it's not Yamato's thoughts, because that wouldn't make sense. It's not like Khun is kind, after all.]
I don't see any harm in sharin' it, but keep it 'tween us. Mika was able to peer into Khun's mind somehow, an' Khun took that very poorly. He's the kinda guy who keeps his thoughts to himself, y'know? So while resortin' to murder's not exactly the sane solution, I get why it upset him so badly.
[He doesn't mention that Khun genuinely looked troubled by it, or this voice almost did the weird flat thing again. That much isn't really necessary to express.]
[It's a lot to take in, indeed, especially now that Malice can't exactly deny that these must be Yamato's thoughts. He stares at them for a moment longer than he really needs to before shaking his head again.]
Yeah, 'course. I ain't the kinda person who keeps his thoughts in his head an' even I was stunned to hear that. The idea of anyone pokin' 'round in there is... upsettin' to say the least.
[...So he should tell Yamato, right? After all, there's no way Yamato would want him to see this. But...
I hope Mika will never see who I really am.
Is Yamato keeping something from him? Because Yamato's really not a terrible person, as far as Malice can see.]
[ He's open, isn't he? I wonder...is he happy with who he is?I hope he is. There's a lot of reasons why I'd say he should be. Even if he's hurt people before, he's doing good here.
I want to get there, too.
But the thought of belonging anywhere...
...
He smiles. He seems fine, for a guy with thoughts like these. ]
If stuff like that keeps happening, I don't want another fight to break out, so we have to try to endure it.
[It's said more to fill space than anything else, because those thoughts are... troubling, in so many ways. The one that trails off in particular irritates him in a way he doesn't understand; doesn't Yamato have a place to belong here, with them? Or is it hard to think like that now, because of what happened yesterday? Or maybe he just doesn't think he belongs with them which is...
Ugh, this isn't helping. Malice once again shakes his head and points to the bubble behind Yamato's head.]
Hey, Yama, do you see that?
[He isn't going to play dumb but... might as well start with this.]
[ His eyes widen and he turns to look behind him. The first word he sees is "belong". That, given the convo they've just had, makes it easy to put two and two together.
The thought bubble remains...but the words disappear.
There's nothing in it.
His expression turns more neutral, but the lack of anything in the bubble is pretty indicative of how blank his mind is right now. ]
[...Ah. He should've mentioned it sooner. Of course Yamato's going to be upset by it... but the lack of any thoughts at all is a little concerning. Malice forces his gaze down and away from the bubble, making the conscious effort not to look at it again.]
[ Yet again, his expression doesn't match what he's thinking. He can't stop it. He's humiliated.
You're right. You can't hurt Mika. You aren't like Khun.
Because all you know how to do is run.
There are a lot of thoughts flickering in his head, on and off, almost like it's glitching in and out of existence. Most of them are incomprehensible, but the one word that keeps appearing is "run".
He's staying put, though, but the hand on his glass twitches. ]
[Malice only manages to keep his gaze down for a moment - after all, with his heightened senses, he's naturally drawn to the sudden flickering of thoughts. He can't help but stare at them for a moment before he forces himself to look away again.
Run, huh...? It's not like there's many places Yamato could run to that would truly get him away from Malice if he wanted to pursue this conversation.
Part of him wants to leave, because they're in Yamato's room and if he wants to escape it so badly, shouldn't Malice just let it go? It's not like he ever should've seen those thoughts to begin with. So it'd be better not to acknowledge it, to pretend like this never happened, to—]
...Are you alright, Yama?
[But that leaves him instead and now he has to sit here and think about how stupid of a question it really is. Of course he isn't alright. His thoughts are on full display and he knows it. The better statement would be "you don't have to pretend to be alright" but it's too late to take the stupid question back, so it just hangs in the air between them.]
[ There's a full new display in front of Malice, now. Varying words and sentences that are Yamato telling himself to say yes, that he's fine, that no one needs to worry...but knowing that he's being put on blast eventually convinced him to just be honest. ]
As alright as I can be.
...
I don't know what you're seeing, or what you saw. But if it's concerning you that much, then you should [ Stay. Please. I don't want to be alone anymore. ] go. I'm not good company right now. I'm sorry.
Even if he hadn't seen it, Malice knew what his response would be. And so, without any hesitation:]
C'mon, Yama, don't be dumb. I'm not goin' anywhere. You can't get rid of me that easily.
[It's light, but not quite humorous. He means it. You do know that he means it, right?]
I'm worried 'bout you, yeah, but I'll be honest, I don't have a damn idea what to do or say that'll help. But I'm right here, an' I'm not goin' anywhere.
[ He mulls this over. Honestly, Malice doesn't need to say anything. He wouldn't know what to do in his position, either. ]
It's been like this recently. A lot, even back at home. You can probably guess why. I'd be lying if I said I don't want to push you away, too. It's pointless, with everything on display.
[ ... ]
Last night...it was hard to stomach. For both of us. I don't like seeing things fall apart, but other than that... I...
Wanna know a secret? [And with no time for Yamato to answer—] So did I.
[Because he likes them both, because he wanted to believe that there was a peaceful way to solve it so he didn't have to be mad at either of them. So things would work out nice and neatly and he could continue looking at things in black and white as always, and ignoring shades of gray.
But things didn't work out that way, and all he really managed to do was keep Ginger from attacking Khun. Was that even for the best? Mika said that a guy like that couldn't be trusted. Khun himself said he couldn't be trusted. What if the best option had been to let Ginger at him and see what happened? If Khun died, would it really be a loss for them?
...But Malice wouldn't like it, and that's ultimately what it comes down to. In the end, he's still the same horribly selfish person he's always been.]
It sucks, feelin' like that. But you're not alone. I think a lotta people felt that way. Like we showed up too late to stop 'em from gettin' into the worst of it, or that there should've been more we could do.
[ Malice can probably see parts of Yamato taking this all in. It's true, others probably felt the same. It's true, that maybe there's some shared regret between some of them.
However. He feels like there's a distinction. ]
Mika tried to push me away. He did it after the first time he lost control. Never wanted to see me after that. So I tried to help this time, and he wanted me to leave. I didn't...but he probably doesn't want to see me again, after that. I can't blame him.
Thinking about that made me realize that I'm the same way – trying to keep people out because it doesn't end well if I let them in.
[ And judging by his thoughts, it sure is a lonely life to lead, if he's being honest. ]
[Malice is quiet, trying to figure out what to say in response. He understands - both of them, in this case. Why Mika insisted on pushing Yamato away and why Yamato's internalized it this way. That feeling that everything will go wrong the moment you let someone in is all too familiar, after all. Isn't that why he ran when given the chance? Isn't that at least partially why Cody died? Because if Malice hadn't done something, someone else would have, and everything would have broken apart around him anyway.
Better to strike first - to try to put himself in a better position.]
...I don't think that's exactly it. On Mika's end, anyway. I think he was tryin' to keep you safe, 'cause he hates what he is an' he doesn't want to hurt people. So it's not that he never wants to see you again, it's that he was scared of hurting you.
[And really, when it comes down to it, isn't that what this is? The fear of letting someone in, of being hurt or betrayed again? It doesn't sit right with him and he doesn't want to think about it.]
I get it, though. I mean, I haven't let anyone in since Lotisse... an' look how that turned out.
[Malice scoffs with a roll of his eye. Though he plays it off like it isn't that big a deal, the mere mention of Lotisse makes his blood boil. That bastard really did use his feelings against him, even more than Rosalie had.]
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week 3, a day after the khun incident
He would knock, but he's got the claws on and he has the bottle in his good hand, so after spending a moment looking between his hands and the door and quietly complaining about his inability to not be edgy for five minutes, Malice speaks up.]
Knock, knock! Got somethin' for ya, Yama.
[That's totally the only reason why he's visiting tonight, don't worry about it.]
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He's reading when he hears shouting from outside. He opens the door and... ]
Oh? Is that for me?
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[Does Yamato even drink...?? Eh, maybe he should've asked before he assumed. Oh well, too late.]
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[ He'll even step aside to let Malice in, if he wants to join in. ]
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[Though it would at least be some more decoration in this depressing room smh... Anyway, Malice enters, grinning at his piece of artwork (the table) as he goes.]
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[ ...sir.
Anyway. He has a glass!! And he's gonna pour wine in it, thank you. He takes a sip. ]
How's everything going?
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Eh, could be goin' worse, but yesterday was a lot.
[It's not even really a start?? Malice did you try at all.]
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[ They talked about it, but thoughts can change down the line, so... ]
You seem exhausted.
[ And suddenly, something appears behind Yamato's head. Three words.
I am, too. ]
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I guess I am. I'm not really used to lookin' out for anyone else, y'know? Just me.
[Even while he was working with Cody and the rebels, he still was only taking care of himself. It's tiring looking out for others.
His gaze returns to Yamato, deciding to just dismiss that strange bubble.]
I was hopin' I could just be mad at Khun for what he did - an' tried to do - but turns out he had a decent reason for attackin' Mika, an' even though he says he won't do it again...
[Malice sighs and props his good elbow on the table.]
I'm still on-edge 'bout the whole thing, I guess.
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A decent reason, huh. ... I won't ask for it unless you need to share it, but I'll trust your judgment on that.
[ Then:
He's kinder than he thinks.
Who is? Malice can take a guess. ]
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No, Malice hasn't suddenly gained the ability to read minds. But since Khun brought it up, he can't help but wonder. Maybe it was something like he and Yamato experienced earlier, where those phantoms appeared. Maybe that's how Mika was able to see what Khun was thinking, and maybe this is—
No. He's not going to humor that train of thought. This is just some weird magical effect or something, but it's not Yamato's thoughts, because that wouldn't make sense. It's not like Khun is kind, after all.]
I don't see any harm in sharin' it, but keep it 'tween us. Mika was able to peer into Khun's mind somehow, an' Khun took that very poorly. He's the kinda guy who keeps his thoughts to himself, y'know? So while resortin' to murder's not exactly the sane solution, I get why it upset him so badly.
[He doesn't mention that Khun genuinely looked troubled by it, or this voice almost did the weird flat thing again. That much isn't really necessary to express.]
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[ Would he? Would he go there?
I couldn't hurt Mika like that.
Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't stand a chance. I'm not that strong.
Still... I hope Mika will never see who I really am.
For a guy with these thoughts, though, Yamato still seems pretty calm and level headed. ]
This'll stay between us, don't worry. ... It's a lot to take in.
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Yeah, 'course. I ain't the kinda person who keeps his thoughts in his head an' even I was stunned to hear that. The idea of anyone pokin' 'round in there is... upsettin' to say the least.
[...So he should tell Yamato, right? After all, there's no way Yamato would want him to see this. But...
I hope Mika will never see who I really am.
Is Yamato keeping something from him? Because Yamato's really not a terrible person, as far as Malice can see.]
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[ He's open, isn't he? I wonder...is he happy with who he is?I hope he is. There's a lot of reasons why I'd say he should be. Even if he's hurt people before, he's doing good here.
I want to get there, too.
But the thought of belonging anywhere...
...
He smiles. He seems fine, for a guy with thoughts like these. ]
If stuff like that keeps happening, I don't want another fight to break out, so we have to try to endure it.
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[It's said more to fill space than anything else, because those thoughts are... troubling, in so many ways. The one that trails off in particular irritates him in a way he doesn't understand; doesn't Yamato have a place to belong here, with them? Or is it hard to think like that now, because of what happened yesterday? Or maybe he just doesn't think he belongs with them which is...
Ugh, this isn't helping. Malice once again shakes his head and points to the bubble behind Yamato's head.]
Hey, Yama, do you see that?
[He isn't going to play dumb but... might as well start with this.]
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The thought bubble remains...but the words disappear.
There's nothing in it.
His expression turns more neutral, but the lack of anything in the bubble is pretty indicative of how blank his mind is right now. ]
How long has that been there?
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Little bit. I wasn't sure what it was at first.
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[ Yet again, his expression doesn't match what he's thinking. He can't stop it. He's humiliated.
You're right. You can't hurt Mika. You aren't like Khun.
Because all you know how to do is run.
There are a lot of thoughts flickering in his head, on and off, almost like it's glitching in and out of existence. Most of them are incomprehensible, but the one word that keeps appearing is "run".
He's staying put, though, but the hand on his glass twitches. ]
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
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Run, huh...? It's not like there's many places Yamato could run to that would truly get him away from Malice if he wanted to pursue this conversation.
Part of him wants to leave, because they're in Yamato's room and if he wants to escape it so badly, shouldn't Malice just let it go? It's not like he ever should've seen those thoughts to begin with. So it'd be better not to acknowledge it, to pretend like this never happened, to—]
...Are you alright, Yama?
[But that leaves him instead and now he has to sit here and think about how stupid of a question it really is. Of course he isn't alright. His thoughts are on full display and he knows it. The better statement would be "you don't have to pretend to be alright" but it's too late to take the stupid question back, so it just hangs in the air between them.]
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As alright as I can be.
...
I don't know what you're seeing, or what you saw. But if it's concerning you that much, then you should [ Stay. Please. I don't want to be alone anymore. ] go. I'm not good company right now. I'm sorry.
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Even if he hadn't seen it, Malice knew what his response would be. And so, without any hesitation:]
C'mon, Yama, don't be dumb. I'm not goin' anywhere. You can't get rid of me that easily.
[It's light, but not quite humorous. He means it. You do know that he means it, right?]
I'm worried 'bout you, yeah, but I'll be honest, I don't have a damn idea what to do or say that'll help. But I'm right here, an' I'm not goin' anywhere.
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It's been like this recently. A lot, even back at home. You can probably guess why. I'd be lying if I said I don't want to push you away, too. It's pointless, with everything on display.
[ ... ]
Last night...it was hard to stomach. For both of us. I don't like seeing things fall apart, but other than that... I...
I felt pretty helpless.
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Wanna know a secret? [And with no time for Yamato to answer—] So did I.
[Because he likes them both, because he wanted to believe that there was a peaceful way to solve it so he didn't have to be mad at either of them. So things would work out nice and neatly and he could continue looking at things in black and white as always, and ignoring shades of gray.
But things didn't work out that way, and all he really managed to do was keep Ginger from attacking Khun. Was that even for the best? Mika said that a guy like that couldn't be trusted. Khun himself said he couldn't be trusted. What if the best option had been to let Ginger at him and see what happened? If Khun died, would it really be a loss for them?
...But Malice wouldn't like it, and that's ultimately what it comes down to. In the end, he's still the same horribly selfish person he's always been.]
It sucks, feelin' like that. But you're not alone. I think a lotta people felt that way. Like we showed up too late to stop 'em from gettin' into the worst of it, or that there should've been more we could do.
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However. He feels like there's a distinction. ]
Mika tried to push me away. He did it after the first time he lost control. Never wanted to see me after that. So I tried to help this time, and he wanted me to leave. I didn't...but he probably doesn't want to see me again, after that. I can't blame him.
Thinking about that made me realize that I'm the same way – trying to keep people out because it doesn't end well if I let them in.
[ And judging by his thoughts, it sure is a lonely life to lead, if he's being honest. ]
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Better to strike first - to try to put himself in a better position.]
...I don't think that's exactly it. On Mika's end, anyway. I think he was tryin' to keep you safe, 'cause he hates what he is an' he doesn't want to hurt people. So it's not that he never wants to see you again, it's that he was scared of hurting you.
[And really, when it comes down to it, isn't that what this is? The fear of letting someone in, of being hurt or betrayed again? It doesn't sit right with him and he doesn't want to think about it.]
I get it, though. I mean, I haven't let anyone in since Lotisse... an' look how that turned out.
[Malice scoffs with a roll of his eye. Though he plays it off like it isn't that big a deal, the mere mention of Lotisse makes his blood boil. That bastard really did use his feelings against him, even more than Rosalie had.]
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this is so .......
buries face in hands
i'm going to destroy them
mood...
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i'm dead.
me too.
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