( Hearing all this is enough to hurt him, the things Ginger says ringing cold and familiar and knotting his ever-hungry stomach. He has so many questions and he's struggling through all his fear to speak them. He shakes his head - he doesn't know what to, even. He just shakes it, like denying everything here.
He can't even heal. He can't do anything for Ginger. )
... I did this to you?
( That's what it comes down to, in the end. If Mika had never done any of this - hadn't gotten hurt - hadn't been here - Ginger would've never chosen to do these things, would've never felt hurt. He'd still be fine. )
... Never... Don't— don't ever do that again. Never, ever, ever. Okay? Please. If you'd died— if you'd been hurt, if they couldn't heal you— if they couldn't fix... What happens if you're all the way unsealed? I—
( He isn't worth it. Please don't do these things to yourself because of him. Please... )
... Please... don't go away.
( His hands fall so they're cupping Ginger's face again, like he's afraid if he lets go, Ginger will just - disappear. )
... We need to get you healing.
( He isn't even thinking about Ginger's questions for him - just Ginger, and making sure Ginger's okay. )
Okay, I pro - [ A wince and he starts over. ] I will. Later. I’ll go and let them bandage me up like a mummy if you want me to.
[ Just the part about healing, however. ]
But - listen, please. [ He grabs Mika’s hand with his uninjured one, bringing it to his lips. To draw attention to his words, to make sure Mika feels every single syllable said. ] It isn’t like that - it’s not something that’ll control me if I unseal it. I was angry, but that was all me. My demon form - or my angel form, those are just tools I can use. I’ve just… always been more of a demon so that’s what comes out when I’m acting on - pure instinct.
You don’t have to be afraid of me.
[ He doesn’t know what he’d do then. But he pushes through before his mind can take that scenario and create nightmares out of it. ]
… I love you. If anyone hurts you, of course I’m going to be upset.
[ Isn’t that… normal? That feels like the most normal part of Ginger right now. ]
( He doesn't miss the almost-promise - but there's something more important right now: the things Ginger says; his fears; his love, and the way it makes Mika falter.
He told Yuu he loved him before he died. It almost feels like Ginger's saying good bye, too. )
... How could I ever be scared of you?
( His thumb presses light against Ginger's lips. Ginger said it - too, when Mika entered his frenzy, that time. Scared for you, not of you. Mika feels the same.
... He brings his face close - foreheads touching soft. Listen, listen, listen. )
... I trust you. I'm... sorry I scared you.
( Please allow him one apology. At least one.
If... Ginger says it's nothing that'll consume him - change him - take him away... as much as it argues with what Mika knows frok his world, he'll do everything he can to believe him.
His eyes are a little wet. A little moist. No tears, just - feeling, like rain shaking loose silt from the bottom of a lake. There are things he can explain - about Yuu-chan, and why it scared, scares him, but... later. Not right now. )
... I hate that someone hurt you; that you... got so hurt because of me. I'm okay only as much as you are. Okay? I'm never going to be okay if you're hurt when it's all over.
Oh. [ Soft when their foreheads touch. Affection that hurts tender, in a… good way. In a way that makes Ginger want to draw closer, to tilt his head so they align in all the ways. He doesn’t, but it’s a thought that he blinks away, slow, dreamy. ] How did you know I was about to say those exact words?
[ As though Mika heard what was in his heart and gave it voice - for him. ]
I wish I could promise you everything you want. [ But he can’t. Or rather, he would - but if Mika finds out about the caveats on promises (if he didn’t already know)… ] I’m not trying to get hurt, especially because I know… that hurts you. But besides nearly killing you - he left a scar on your neck.
[ A mark on Mika when Mika is Ginger’s - family, most important person, his love. Everything.
Everything.
Everything. ]
And I’m… possessive. [ The word spat out unhappily. ]
( Mika said it to him, but surprise ripples across his features when he hears it back. He doesn't - understand, still, exactly, what - how - he became so precious to Ginger, someone like him, something like him, to someone like Ginger. Something Ginger wants. Every anxiety he's had before still remains - compounds, in his chest.
I'm not worth it, he wants to argue, again - not at all, not compared to you.
But somewhere in this haze of love and the scent of Ginger's blood fresh from his back, he doesn't want to let go of Ginger. He wants to stay right here.
Is that okay? Is he taking up someone else's spot? Someone better for Ginger? )
... Don't promise. We're not supposed to. ( He isn't sure if this means if Ginger knows about the promise caveat, but he'll check later. Right now, he's just... ) I believe you without it.
( He hears the conviction in Ginger's voice, and - feels at ease, knowing their feelings sync. That he doesn't have to argue with him to - stop - hurting himself, running off, maybe never coming back...
He doesn't know how to navigate Ginger's possessiveness, and he doesn't answer it first because he doesn't know at first which impulse to follow. His instinct: tell Ginger he can scar him, too. But he considers that his instinct hasn't always made Ginger happy. He thinks twice.
Honestly, it's - a strange hangup, but also strangely... endearing? That he's hung up on something so small. In this situation it's possessiveness, but.
... )
... Bite me. If you want. Over the scar - it won't hurt.
( Sorry he's bite-brained... but he clearly thought very hard about this (Mika...). It wouldn't be a permanent scar, so he thinks Ginger might not mind it as much... but marks might cover up the scar kind of? Maybe? )
[ A part of Ginger thinks he may be downplaying his possessiveness too much. Should he tell Mika that there was this… satisfaction in him, lurking behind the sadness and rage, when he told the others he would be taking Mika?
Or would Mika have realized this already? He’s in Ginger’s room, in Ginger’s bed. He trusts Ginger.
But Ginger can only be trusted to be himself - and what does that even mean? Does that guarantee that he’ll always put Mika first like he wants? When… when earlier, he had gone for Khun first. He wants to think it would have been different had there not been any healers, had he not seen Mika fuse himself back together, mending like a perfect stitch.
But that’s foolish (and yes, he’s a fool of the worst kind. Greedy, greedy. Selfish demon.) - because it wasn’t perfect this time. ]
… I don’t know if I can bite you. [ What he says, but he’s already crowding Mika. Nosing down his cheek to his neck. Biting is… a little too much for him. He wants to cherish Mika. ] Please… tell me what you want. What can I do for you?
[ What he knows, what he’s learned is… to search first with a hint of teeth. Next, when he hits the perfect spot, his tongue joins, lapping up skin along the raised texture of Mika’s scar. Slow and intentional, his foggy brain remembers. Then, at the edge of the scar, he presses his lips flushed against skin - warm from him? - and sucks gently. Then more insistently.
( His voice comes soft and gasping and sudden, wholly off-guard - Ginger had said he couldn't bite, so he didn't know what else to expect. What else is there, if not for teeth? He'd forgotten entirely Ginger's tongue, his soft lips - even though he'd just touched them, their warmth still an imprint against his fingers.
His hands had fallen to the back of Ginger's neck, his nails, curling lightly in - smearing into his blood, if there is any so far up. This is— he wants...
He swallows, the taste of Ginger's blood fresh on his tongue. He wants Ginger to get a healer, but Ginger did this of his own volition - is this something he wants, too? )
... Keep going.
( Cover the scar. Like he said. It's fine if Ginger does it the way he feels comfortable with. )
... And after...
( He presses... his face to Ginger's hair, and closes his eyes. He wants Ginger to get a healer. He wants him to get fixed up - now. He wants...
In a quieter voice, wholly ashamed: )
... I want... the blood from your back, where he hurt you.
[ That sound falls straight into the bowl that holds all of Ginger’s desires and lands in silence - or maybe with a gasp, Ginger’s gasp. He stills - this is a very bad idea, at a very bad time. He wants so bad to crawl into Mika and find the source of that noise and rip more out of him. Clawed, jealous - please don’t sound like that for anyone else.
Mika had said ‘keep going’, but Ginger can’t, Ginger shouldn’t -
He lines the rest of the scar with soft kisses - a compromise. They feel safer. Each one an apology he can’t say: sorry; sorry; sorry. (‘I didn’t mean to hear that sound you weren’t ready to make.’)
(‘It was beautiful.’)
Mika might not care about such things, but it’s not a little matter for Ginger. ]
… Yours, if you want it. Anything.
[ If Mika’s ready for him to pull back entirely, he does, head bowed - ashamed. He pulls off his sealing strap, then uniform shirt (somehow clean, somehow intact) to expose his back. His right shoulder is clear, as well as the lines of skin following the strap. The rest of him is a canvas for scattered cuts, raw in color. Like it had rained in razors and here’s Ginger, soaked in red without an umbrella.
He doesn’t remember it hurting then and he doesn’t feel it hurting now. ]
( There's almost a slight resistance as Ginger starts to pull back - a slight pressure of his hands at the back of his head, as if to tell him to stay. There's something perversely intimate about the kisses that he can't articulate, though they're nothing like the tender-pulsing mark Ginger had just left on him. Both are unexpected. Both are warm, and make him near mistake Ginger's heartbeat for his own.
He can guess why Ginger changed his method - it probably drifted a little too close to something sensual for him. And Mika - feels guilty, for provoking him when Ginger's been trying so hard to avoid it, for making Ginger feel so ashamed. But some part of him wishes - Ginger wouldn't hold back with him, so much.
Ginger carried the part of him Mika finds ugly and held it close. Mika... wants to do that for Ginger, too. He wants Ginger to let him.
But it's hard to keep hold of his thoughts and his sense when Ginger exposes his back to him - buffet that it is, every cut a sweet aroma that has tempted him even before his awakening. He feels like a slavering wolf; he feels like an animal. If he could drag his teeth along the spine, he could split him open like a fruit - each cut would join, and it'd all spill out, and it
But with Ginger, he just wants to be Mika.
He shifts on his knees, his neck still warm from Ginger's lips, and he leans in, bracing his hand against Ginger's shoulder - and leans forward, resisting temptation, pressing against Ginger's back, his mouth close to Ginger's ear. )
... Ginger.
( Soft but stern, to Ginger's bowed head. An earnest attempt to be heard. Listen, okay? Just listen. )
... There's nothing wrong with you. Not to me.
( He doesn't know if it's the right thing to say. All he can do is say what he thinks. With all his care and all his worry, he just hopes it's enough. )
The problem is always Ginger, overcomplicating things. Twisting delicate lines into obscene shapes and then getting caught in his own web, his own mind. And he keeps dragging Mika into it.
He knows - Mika doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. That is Mika’s truth. But Ginger knows he’s just all wrong, all the time. What gets him through anything is just how damn greedy he is despite knowing that.
Still he nods for Mika, head turning slightly as though he can’t help but be drawn even when he needs to turn away. Luring Mika in. He knows, he’s listening. He wants to listen to every sound.
He looks like he wants - a quiet sadness, a loud yearning. ]
You’re lovely.
[ Ginger loves him. ]
But I keep taking from you. What if I - kiss you on the lips next? Or press you down. It keeps growing - how much I want you. And you don’t mind now, but what about later?
It reddens Mika's cheeks to his ears and his gaze falls, stirring him the same way every insistence of want from Ginger has before. It isn't, in some sense, unexpected - he had guessed Ginger had pulled away because of a perceived sensuality; he knew already Ginger struggled with these sensations and feelings and awkward things, some Mika would accidentally provoke. But it is very different to hear it all with straining clarity, with need echoed in Ginger's warmer breath, in the yearning in his eyes.
He doesn't know if he's ever been wanted so badly (maybe by Yuu, but surely not in this way), even if he knows it can't be only him. (Ginger's other friends, maybe - Rum, for sure...) Some great part of him worries he doesn't have enough to give - that Ginger will soon enough find the bottom of the well, and realize it was all shallower than he thought. He would have to return to these others - his friends, his Rum, to get his fill.
And Mika would think to himself then - serves me right. But he doesn't want Ginger to go, too. How ridiculous he is, that he wants to badly to suffer, but also be loved. And Ginger is made of it.
You're lovely. No one's ever told him that before. His fingers curl into Ginger's skin. )
... I don't have later. I only have now.
( If he survives this world, then he will be sent back with everyone else - right? And when he returns, he will return to where he was, surely. Without a name or memories or a body; he will be the malevolent spirit he'd always seen himself as.
But that future isn't here, yet. What can he do for Ginger? What can he do for him and his tender, bruised heart, who can't find himself comfortable with how giving is Mika's joy?
... )
... What about later, for you? If I thought about it, and later I said... I wanted it— what about you?
( This is... Ginger's guilt - his anxiety. Ginger's just as important as Mika, here. Does Mika make it worse, being around him? )
If you want it, then I want to love you in whatever way makes you happy. [ And to be honest: ] I don’t know about the rest.
[ Would Rum even care, when Rum is so disinterested in romance and relationships? Ginger can’t move on without Rum; does that require being in love though? Can Ginger let that go and keep the rest - the important parts of their friendship. The parts that Rum will allow?
(But what if one day, Rum gets tired of that, too?) ]
I refuse - to ever make you feel like you’re a mistake to me.
[ Ginger’s actions are often mistakes and he listens to all of the wrong parts of himself. But he thinks if Mika wanted, none of the things Ginger struggled with had to affect him - he could work harder on that. Slip up less, be more careful. He could hold back everything that’s Ginger and leave only what Mika deserves.
Which, would never be what Mika wants since he thinks he deserves even less than nothing.
But Mika - Mika is good. Too good for him. Mika is someone who, miracle of miracles, accepts all of Ginger. Even if he didn’t, Ginger believes… he deserves… love - in all forms. Everlasting, if Mika can find it in himself to accept it. ]
Whatever happens. You will always be important to me. Even - just holding hands - did you know it could feel that way? I didn’t, not until you.
( Mika... frowns. Ginger's concerns are layered; there's a lot here, he thinks, that these few words are tangled up in - a greater picture he can't completely see, that occupies Ginger's internal world.
He and Ginger have been close - physically closer, even, than he's been to Yuu; intimacy is comfortable with Ginger, because Ginger took it early and Mika grew used to it. Ginger has been open with him; has set his bleeding heart in Mika's hands and has told him look, you can have this. Ginger has said he loves him. He says it again, here. He says there are these things he wants to do with him, that Mika is his most important - and he punctuates it now with but I can do this however you want this. It feels like - it feels like, he's saying those feelings don't matter. But they matter to Mika.
Mika doesn't need a label, exactly - there is no necessary shift in hierarchy between romance and sex and family, to him. His world has never been so complex, so large. What - frustrates him here, as warm as Ginger is to him, is how it feels like Ginger would reshape himself for him.
And it frustrates him, because Mika would do the same thing for him, too.
His fingers dig firm into Ginger's shoulders and he pulls him down - against the bed, against the soft and stained covers, and he looks down at him from above, and he snatches up his hand. He squeezes it, stubbornly. )
I love you, too. ( As family, as Ginger, as the most important person to him here. ) And I know you know I'd say the same things to you. I'd do this however you want it. I'd like you how you like it. And I know you know you wouldn't like that.
( So he's not happy!! Ginger is doing this either!!! Because they really are similar, they had it figured out their first meeting and then they started stumbling through it again. They're so stupid - really, really stupid, he thinks. )
I want to figure out a way for us to be that makes us both happy. Can I have that? I hate that you keep... pulling away from me. I know it's because you hate this part of you. But I want to be allowed to love it, too. I just... want to try— and I want to hear what you like, what you want. Your possessive thoughts, your heady thoughts. Eventually, even if it's not now.
( Their position's weird, but he makes it work - interlocking their fingers, like Ginger did to him that first day in Mika's room, in a way that's become more common since. )
Because you're the only one who's made me feel like I'm not just some ugly beast. And I want to do the same for you, too. If I get to have eternity, then I'm going to spend forever on it. I'll promise it, if I have to.
[ Ginger falls back onto the bed with no resistance and ends up with a fascinating view. From this angle, Mika looks like the sun, golden hair a halo. It reminds him of a spring day. Ginger was right. Mika is so lovely. It’s his heart, his persistent kindness; it’s the way he looks at Ginger.
It’s the way he would reshape himself for Ginger - and he’s right, Ginger does hate it.
He knows they shouldn’t have to do that for each other, but it’s habit by now. He should’ve chosen to be a demon long ago, but Rum likes angels. He’s terrible at angelic reformation, but that’s what it takes to stay Rum’s partner. He doesn’t think of these things as sacrifices, just what was necessary to keep Rum. And so far, Rum has accepted what he sees.
He doesn’t just want to be accepted; he wants to be loved.
And Mika is trying to love him as best he can. Has listened to Ginger’s heart and, somehow, only found himself lacking instead of Ginger. Which is crazy. He’s Mika. ]
You’d think… I would know better by now, when we keep telling each other the same things. [ Said like an apology. Mika has one hand, and Ginger reaches with his other to caress his face. It’s not just affection, there’s heat in his touch. ] Don’t promise, Mika - I love you, I’m listening.
Really listening this time.
I think we’ll keep stumbling, but you’ll catch me. [ He’s clumsy, it happens. ] And I’ll catch you. Instead of putting either one of us first, let’s try to put ourselves next to each other. How’s that - to start? Would that work?
( There's a tension between Mika's brows that dissipates as Ginger starts to speak, his expression softening with a hint of surprise. When he'd talk to Yuu, he had to shout to be heard - and even then, there was really no changing Yuu's path once he's begun it. Ginger isn't like that. He hasn't been like that so far. But Mika's just used to - things just not working out, at their most critical juncture.
And some part of him had resigned to a near future of trying to figure out how to help Ginger for him while Ginger held fast to his worries. And he would have been glad to do it, regardless. He would have forgiven Ginger, and not thought twice of it. Because he does care for Ginger that much. He's worth the cost.
But Ginger hears him, he thinks. He feels it in his touch, and he wants to believe it in his words. And some part of him hesitates, still - it needles him, and it asks him if he's really allowed to be equal with Ginger. Bright in Mika's heart, melting its ice. But despite its cruelty, he presses his cheek into Ginger's palm. He tries to hear Ginger's voice instead of his own. )
... Okay. ( He squeezes Ginger's hand, as much for himself as for Ginger. ) Okay.
( A hesitant beat. What should he say here? There's so much he feels - you make me really happy; thank you for trying to make this work out, with me; thank you for thinking so much of me, even though I don't deserve it - he could go on, and on. He might not even have the words for everything he feels.
But, when he tries to put it all together, what comes out is something a little quiet, a little vulnerable, and a strange sort of happy - a simple: )
... Thank you.
( And he does lean down, as far as he needs to until Ginger does whatever he's thinking of. )
[ Ginger smiles his answer and there’s warm relief - that they have, so far, always managed to come together to create an understanding.
He had said once that he wanted to take care of Mika’s heart, something only possible because they’re similar enough. When he feels tethered by his own feelings, it’s Mika who reaches out, broaching the subject, careful of the tender gaps in his heart. It’s easier to speak then, and easier to listen and learn.
He’s okay with it if it takes another hundred years to learn everything about Mika. He’ll never get tired of it; he’s… eager.
Which - he’s never felt before. Learning another person - learning Rum was always associated with anxiety, a revelation of impending disappointment, and Ginger always stalls before disappointment becomes heartache becomes heartbreak.
His heart… aches a little now, in a new way.
His hand brushes past Mika’s cheek, sliding into his hair. He leans up as Mika leans down and meets the other in the middle. Light as a feather, delicate in touch, he kisses Mika. It may be a clumsy thing, a brief thing - he doesn’t know how to do it exactly right, not at this angle - but Mika wants to try loving this part of Ginger.
So carefully, just a little, he gives him this. ]
… Now you know that part.
[ If he still wants to try. But it’s okay if he doesn’t. ]
( It's a heat that blooms from his lips to his cheeks like a ripple in the water, his gaze colored at first surprise with surprise - and then, the sensation sinking in. His heart doesn't thump. He knows that. It shouldn't stir; it doesn't move. So why does it feel now like it does?
Did he feel like this with Yuu? He isn't sure. Maybe. Probably. (He had always associated every good feeling with Yuu, in the end.) But he'd never done this with Yuu; had never thought this far, when keeping him alive was the preoccupying priority.
He hadn't thought of a kiss as more than a mechanical thing, either. He understood it as an impulse for Ginger to contend with, and an act Mika probably wouldn't mind. He hadn't thought of it as a conduit for feeling. He hadn't thought of it as something that could provoke this lingering fullness in the decaying caverns of his chest. Maybe for others, but never for him.
He feels like he's learning a little bit about these sorts of things he thought lost to him, with Ginger. Some of these things are a little bit overwhelming, and a little bit scary. Some of these things make him worried, and make him think he's unworthy. Ginger is a lot; he's right. But he can't find himself repelled. It feels a little like taking hold of the sun.
And that's okay. He's okay with it, so long as it's Ginger. )
... Ah...
( He gazes down at him, red-cheeked and eyes a little wide, and it's hard to see Ginger's face from this close, but he thinks - maybe, what he likes most is how Ginger looks now.
Almost a murmur, almost talking to himself: )
... I didn't know... a kiss could feel that way.
( A mirror of what Ginger had said earlier. And he would have to think on it, why Ginger could move his heart such that it felt almost like it could beat. (Because he's family, he wonders?) But later. Later. Right now... Right now...
His lips part again, and he hesitates, his gaze falling lidded. Would Ginger mind? Ginger can always say no - he hopes he knows that. Would it be okay to at least ask? )
... Can I learn a little more?
( Can I try to kiss you, too?— is what he means to say. )
[ Ginger didn’t either. He’d only ever tried once before - unsuccessfully. A good thing, too, because he thinks he would have hated himself a little more if he’d been. Maybe it would have been nice in the moment, but not after. No, not after.
So - a kiss feels like that with someone you love.
He wonders if the kiss had felt the same for them both, even a little. Like his love and lust had trickled into the same cup and somehow, that single kiss was enough to cause it to overflow and pool liquid heat and heady need all over his body, its spread slow and persistent. Filling every gap in him.
What did the pretty flush on Mika’s face mean? Did he like it? … Could he love it? Ginger… wants to chase it with his mouth and find out. A mouth that right now is only capable of saying: ]
Please.
[ Please, I want it. Please, do it. Please, take. Whatever you want. Anything you want.
He’s glad that he’s down here, so that Mika can control their pace. They can stop whenever Mika wants to. He can pull back and Ginger will stay where he’s at, straining against his greed.
How strange it feels, to hear his own heart mirrored back to him; how satisfying it is, to know someone feels the same.
Mika, for a moment, hesitates - all at once preoccupied with how he should kiss him; how he wanted to; and he's not so used to wanting something so abstract. Just the same way, again? Is there some other way to manage?
He squeezes Ginger's hand slightly, and lifts his head; seeing him better, even if at the opposite angle. He wonders if Rum ever saw this. He wonders if Rum ever appreciated the privilege. With tenderness, with care, he lifts his hand and brushes, slightly, Ginger's bangs from his face, fingertips so barely brushing across skin. Hot-cheeked and almost drunken (maybe a little bit because of the lingering scent of unhealed wounds), Mika seems like - he's holding onto something precious, something he wants to admire.
Sorry for lingering; he's bad at not. He's just always wanted someone he could so wholly adore.
Not yet had his fill of gazing at Ginger (it's fine, he's fine, he's normal) but at odds with a mounting curiosity, a want to kiss him again, and so he pulls away - the hand at his face and the hand in Ginger's own (sorry) so he can support himself as he shifts beside Ginger. He wants to kiss him like this, he thinks. He wants to try it, even if it feels a little more intimate - intimidating - exciting?, to face him proper.
But it's a lot less overwhelming once he sinks into it; he cups Ginger's face, first, and leans in - a soft kiss, still chaste - he doesn't consider yet that they can be deeper - but lasting a little longer. A sweet kiss. And it lingers. Even as it seems time to end, he's slow to part - and this time, he doesn't pull his face away far, even if it means he can't see Ginger well, with their lips still so close. )
[ Linger more - he soaks in the attention, as if he’s been deprived until now. And in a way, yeah, he has - ever since the awareness of his lust took root. Who else has ever reached out and touched him so tenderly, knowing his desires lay exposed? Or kissed him on his hungry mouth? Is it any wonder that Ginger’s red-tinged eyes watch Mika like he’s the only star in the sky, carrying Ginger’s beating heart.
Mika’s kiss - ah, it’s soft and so, so sweet. And he hasn’t even tasted Mika yet, not really.
(He can’t help but wonder.)
When Mika pulls away, Ginger nearly chases, mouth opening to catch. He stops short of their lips brushing again. Two kisses is more than he’d imagined ever possible when the idea of desiring Mika shifted from impossible to steadily, terrifyingly possible. Inevitable? Should he have known?
And he doesn’t just like it. ]
… Love it. [ As though he couldn’t admit the first without adding the second: ] Love you.
[ It only feels this good because their hearts have connected in this wondrous way. ]
( It might be bad for Mika - Mika, in particular, and the fixated way he lives - to feel so attached. Mika vacillates with his worries, but what he worries for himself doesn't stick. There will remain that lingering concern that he's falling too hard, too fast; that will be that fear of what it means to like someone so much, fresh off the heels of Yuu. There should be - really, for Mika in particular - an understanding that demons and angels are not creatures to make light of, to dismiss as subservient to the greater concept of Ginger.
But it's hard to think much of it in the face of Ginger's smile, his wanting eyes. All dangers are easy to love when they keen and heel and put their paw in your hand.
He leans the small portion his weight a little against Ginger's chest as he keeps their lesser distance, a faint smile curling his lips as Ginger worries - his cheeks particularly hot, from the way Ginger says love, love you, so easy, the way he gives it freely.
Could he love this part of Ginger - Ginger, as a whole? Maybe brashly, maybe in that stupid youthful way, maybe emboldened because he feels so strongly this connection, he thinks he could. It's intimate and new and stirs him in ways he doesn't fully understand, but he's so sure he could love him, because... )
... Yeah. Because it's you.
( And Ginger feels like being with Yuu, but without that constant fear. )
[ Yes. He said yes. Fluttering heart like it wants to burst out of Ginger and fly to Mika, to settle on his shoulder next to that smile. To rest next to the warmest part of him - his cheeks. Content, finally detached from the wants of Ginger’s body.
For two kisses and the rare beauty of Mika’s smile. That’s good; that’s enough. He will never stop wanting more, but he tells himself that Mika is more than enough, more than he deserves - always.
His arms slide around Mika, hips first, then the small of his back, now that he thinks he can contain the urge to plead for one more kiss. Instead - instead he’d rather show his feelings in a different way. Brushing their noses together, all affection and playfulness - because he’s happy, he’s happy. If that doesn’t show it, there’s his soft, curling lips and smiling eyes.
(Never mind the needy, stiff heat between his legs. It’s there, has been, but for once, the shame doesn’t gnaw at him as insistently. Just an afterthought this time.)
(It wants Mika, after all, and Ginger has him.) ]
Thank you, Mika. [ He wants to learn better words for this. In time, after some practice. But the most the important word he wants to whisper is just Mika’s name anyway. ] Can you please stay tonight? You can take from me - I’m yours, but I want to make sure you can rest where it’s safe.
( Had he ever seen Ginger so happy, without trace of doubt, so seemingly untroubled by who he was? This choice was right - this, Mika believes. How could something that lights Ginger with such a sunset glow emerge from a path mislaid? And, for once, Mika feels neither responsible nor guilty - critical of his own faltering steps, unsure of how to handle this relationship with someone so new, and yet, startlingly dear.
It's not like he'd been smiling brightly or a lot, but his cheeks already hurt - softening the way Ginger noses him, holds him, Mika's own fingers curling against Ginger's cheek.
Of course, he does feel the need - and though he's gotten kind of used to it by now (based on how often Ginger volunteers for feedings), for once his mind does sort of wander, thinking - maybe Ginger would be a little less guarded about this sort of thing with him now? But he still has a lot to learn; he underestimates it less. He barely knew kissing could feel nice, and among these gestures, he still - wants to learn more about them, for as long as Ginger was willing. )
... Okay.
( Warm-cheeked, a smile still on his lips, nearly matching Ginger's own. He doesn't need to think about his answer; of course he'd stay, would want to stay, even if Ginger hadn't offered.
But if there is mention of safety - the warmth in his face fades as concern ripples through his expression again. )
Wait, but - you need a healer, first. Your back - can it get infected? Will you bleed out?
( Ginger's not human, but what if...?? He takes Ginger's face in both hands with care, looking him in his twilight eyes. )
Are you sure it's okay? It's not sore? Is there anything I should know?
[ Oh, but the soft radiance of Mika’s new smile. If it were a sound, he thinks it would be mellisonant in song, meant to make his heart tremble. Angels tend to pick a person, a duty to devote themselves to if they cannot pick God, Himself. Ginger suspects (when he’s clearheaded) that’s why his possessiveness borders on obsession. He’s the worst of both worlds. He could worship Mika now, and it would feel right.
(He thinks… he wants to worship him all over, every snow-pale inch.)
Mika’s so beautiful in this moment that it takes Ginger whole seconds to blink out of his adoration. He sees a little less warmth and a little more worry. ]
I… don’t think… he was aiming all that well at the time. [ And maybe some part of Khun had realized that spearing through Ginger would likely pierce through him as well. ] I’ll get a healer in the morning - I think the spelled towel will do for tonight. It’s… somewhere in here.
[ When he gets his brain to work again, he’ll summon it to them. ]
I guess… it’s sore… [ Trying to be honest in his answers. He can’t really feel it - there’s too many other important things to feel. And once those things settle, he won’t even mind the pain. A reminder of - all the bad and good from tonight. He needs it to hurt, he thinks. ] But… I don’t want to be away from you, not after what happened.
My heart… [ Needs Mika to stay close. ] … needs you more than my body needs healing. Is that… alright?
( In the furrow of his brows it's clear enough that Mika is hesitating - his need to be certain that Ginger is okay, will be okay, his resentment toward himself for the absence of his ability to heal, at odds with the warm ripples Ginger sends through his chest.
But Ginger is so earnest and loving in a way Mika has missed so dearly, and it comes too in shades he hasn't yet experienced from Yuu - shades he has always, always wanted desperately, but has never known. (How greedy it is, to want to be loved, instead of selflessly devoting yourself to another.) It's hard not to believe him, when Mika has always been weak to those led by their hearts, regardless of his own reason.
...
He brings their foreheads together again, noses brushing, lips close, like before. )
... Only if you really will be okay. ( A gentle plea, but one that suggests he's trying to listen to Ginger's voice instead of his own fear's, for once. ) I can't give you my eternity if you disappear.
( "Disappear" being the mildest way to put it, but his chest would seize to think of it as any worse - when all he wants to do is set Ginger's affection in his empty chest instead, let himself feel a mimicry of living again. (Selfish, selfish, but is it okay as long as Ginger likes selfish?)
This time, he closes that slight distance between their lips - they brush together slightly, not fully a kiss, but a little more than the playful nosing Ginger did earlier. It's experimental. But if this sort of thing can convey feeling, maybe this small gesture can serve as an underline. )
... I'm here. I'll always be here. So... you can rest.
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no subject
He can't even heal. He can't do anything for Ginger. )
... I did this to you?
( That's what it comes down to, in the end. If Mika had never done any of this - hadn't gotten hurt - hadn't been here - Ginger would've never chosen to do these things, would've never felt hurt. He'd still be fine. )
... Never... Don't— don't ever do that again. Never, ever, ever. Okay? Please. If you'd died— if you'd been hurt, if they couldn't heal you— if they couldn't fix... What happens if you're all the way unsealed? I—
( He isn't worth it. Please don't do these things to yourself because of him. Please... )
... Please... don't go away.
( His hands fall so they're cupping Ginger's face again, like he's afraid if he lets go, Ginger will just - disappear. )
... We need to get you healing.
( He isn't even thinking about Ginger's questions for him - just Ginger, and making sure Ginger's okay. )
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[ He says it because Mika’s worth everything. ]
Okay, I pro - [ A wince and he starts over. ] I will. Later. I’ll go and let them bandage me up like a mummy if you want me to.
[ Just the part about healing, however. ]
But - listen, please. [ He grabs Mika’s hand with his uninjured one, bringing it to his lips. To draw attention to his words, to make sure Mika feels every single syllable said. ] It isn’t like that - it’s not something that’ll control me if I unseal it. I was angry, but that was all me. My demon form - or my angel form, those are just tools I can use. I’ve just… always been more of a demon so that’s what comes out when I’m acting on - pure instinct.
You don’t have to be afraid of me.
[ He doesn’t know what he’d do then. But he pushes through before his mind can take that scenario and create nightmares out of it. ]
… I love you. If anyone hurts you, of course I’m going to be upset.
[ Isn’t that… normal? That feels like the most normal part of Ginger right now. ]
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He told Yuu he loved him before he died. It almost feels like Ginger's saying good bye, too. )
... How could I ever be scared of you?
( His thumb presses light against Ginger's lips. Ginger said it - too, when Mika entered his frenzy, that time. Scared for you, not of you. Mika feels the same.
... He brings his face close - foreheads touching soft. Listen, listen, listen. )
... I trust you. I'm... sorry I scared you.
( Please allow him one apology. At least one.
If... Ginger says it's nothing that'll consume him - change him - take him away... as much as it argues with what Mika knows frok his world, he'll do everything he can to believe him.
His eyes are a little wet. A little moist. No tears, just - feeling, like rain shaking loose silt from the bottom of a lake. There are things he can explain - about Yuu-chan, and why it scared, scares him, but... later. Not right now. )
... I hate that someone hurt you; that you... got so hurt because of me. I'm okay only as much as you are. Okay? I'm never going to be okay if you're hurt when it's all over.
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[ As though Mika heard what was in his heart and gave it voice - for him. ]
I wish I could promise you everything you want. [ But he can’t. Or rather, he would - but if Mika finds out about the caveats on promises (if he didn’t already know)… ] I’m not trying to get hurt, especially because I know… that hurts you. But besides nearly killing you - he left a scar on your neck.
[ A mark on Mika when Mika is Ginger’s - family, most important person, his love. Everything.
Everything.
Everything. ]
And I’m… possessive. [ The word spat out unhappily. ]
no subject
I'm not worth it, he wants to argue, again - not at all, not compared to you.
But somewhere in this haze of love and the scent of Ginger's blood fresh from his back, he doesn't want to let go of Ginger. He wants to stay right here.
Is that okay? Is he taking up someone else's spot? Someone better for Ginger? )
... Don't promise. We're not supposed to. ( He isn't sure if this means if Ginger knows about the promise caveat, but he'll check later. Right now, he's just... ) I believe you without it.
( He hears the conviction in Ginger's voice, and - feels at ease, knowing their feelings sync. That he doesn't have to argue with him to - stop - hurting himself, running off, maybe never coming back...
He doesn't know how to navigate Ginger's possessiveness, and he doesn't answer it first because he doesn't know at first which impulse to follow. His instinct: tell Ginger he can scar him, too. But he considers that his instinct hasn't always made Ginger happy. He thinks twice.
Honestly, it's - a strange hangup, but also strangely... endearing? That he's hung up on something so small. In this situation it's possessiveness, but.
... )
... Bite me. If you want. Over the scar - it won't hurt.
( Sorry he's bite-brained... but he clearly thought very hard about this (Mika...). It wouldn't be a permanent scar, so he thinks Ginger might not mind it as much... but marks might cover up the scar kind of? Maybe? )
no subject
Or would Mika have realized this already? He’s in Ginger’s room, in Ginger’s bed. He trusts Ginger.
But Ginger can only be trusted to be himself - and what does that even mean? Does that guarantee that he’ll always put Mika first like he wants? When… when earlier, he had gone for Khun first. He wants to think it would have been different had there not been any healers, had he not seen Mika fuse himself back together, mending like a perfect stitch.
But that’s foolish (and yes, he’s a fool of the worst kind. Greedy, greedy. Selfish demon.) - because it wasn’t perfect this time. ]
… I don’t know if I can bite you. [ What he says, but he’s already crowding Mika. Nosing down his cheek to his neck. Biting is… a little too much for him. He wants to cherish Mika. ] Please… tell me what you want. What can I do for you?
[ What he knows, what he’s learned is… to search first with a hint of teeth. Next, when he hits the perfect spot, his tongue joins, lapping up skin along the raised texture of Mika’s scar. Slow and intentional, his foggy brain remembers. Then, at the edge of the scar, he presses his lips flushed against skin - warm from him? - and sucks gently. Then more insistently.
Familiar? He learned from Mika. ]
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( His voice comes soft and gasping and sudden, wholly off-guard - Ginger had said he couldn't bite, so he didn't know what else to expect. What else is there, if not for teeth? He'd forgotten entirely Ginger's tongue, his soft lips - even though he'd just touched them, their warmth still an imprint against his fingers.
His hands had fallen to the back of Ginger's neck, his nails, curling lightly in - smearing into his blood, if there is any so far up. This is— he wants...
He swallows, the taste of Ginger's blood fresh on his tongue. He wants Ginger to get a healer, but Ginger did this of his own volition - is this something he wants, too? )
... Keep going.
( Cover the scar. Like he said. It's fine if Ginger does it the way he feels comfortable with. )
... And after...
( He presses... his face to Ginger's hair, and closes his eyes. He wants Ginger to get a healer. He wants him to get fixed up - now. He wants...
In a quieter voice, wholly ashamed: )
... I want... the blood from your back, where he hurt you.
( ... Because he's just a monster, in the end. )
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Mika had said ‘keep going’, but Ginger can’t, Ginger shouldn’t -
He lines the rest of the scar with soft kisses - a compromise. They feel safer. Each one an apology he can’t say: sorry; sorry; sorry. (‘I didn’t mean to hear that sound you weren’t ready to make.’)
(‘It was beautiful.’)
Mika might not care about such things, but it’s not a little matter for Ginger. ]
… Yours, if you want it. Anything.
[ If Mika’s ready for him to pull back entirely, he does, head bowed - ashamed. He pulls off his sealing strap, then uniform shirt (somehow clean, somehow intact) to expose his back. His right shoulder is clear, as well as the lines of skin following the strap. The rest of him is a canvas for scattered cuts, raw in color. Like it had rained in razors and here’s Ginger, soaked in red without an umbrella.
He doesn’t remember it hurting then and he doesn’t feel it hurting now. ]
no subject
He can guess why Ginger changed his method - it probably drifted a little too close to something sensual for him. And Mika - feels guilty, for provoking him when Ginger's been trying so hard to avoid it, for making Ginger feel so ashamed. But some part of him wishes - Ginger wouldn't hold back with him, so much.
Ginger carried the part of him Mika finds ugly and held it close. Mika... wants to do that for Ginger, too. He wants Ginger to let him.
But it's hard to keep hold of his thoughts and his sense when Ginger exposes his back to him - buffet that it is, every cut a sweet aroma that has tempted him even before his awakening. He feels like a slavering wolf; he feels like an animal. If he could drag his teeth along the spine, he could split him open like a fruit - each cut would join, and it'd all spill out, and it
But with Ginger, he just wants to be Mika.
He shifts on his knees, his neck still warm from Ginger's lips, and he leans in, bracing his hand against Ginger's shoulder - and leans forward, resisting temptation, pressing against Ginger's back, his mouth close to Ginger's ear. )
... Ginger.
( Soft but stern, to Ginger's bowed head. An earnest attempt to be heard. Listen, okay? Just listen. )
... There's nothing wrong with you. Not to me.
( He doesn't know if it's the right thing to say. All he can do is say what he thinks. With all his care and all his worry, he just hopes it's enough. )
no subject
The problem is always Ginger, overcomplicating things. Twisting delicate lines into obscene shapes and then getting caught in his own web, his own mind. And he keeps dragging Mika into it.
He knows - Mika doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. That is Mika’s truth. But Ginger knows he’s just all wrong, all the time. What gets him through anything is just how damn greedy he is despite knowing that.
Still he nods for Mika, head turning slightly as though he can’t help but be drawn even when he needs to turn away. Luring Mika in. He knows, he’s listening. He wants to listen to every sound.
He looks like he wants - a quiet sadness, a loud yearning. ]
You’re lovely.
[ Ginger loves him. ]
But I keep taking from you. What if I - kiss you on the lips next? Or press you down. It keeps growing - how much I want you. And you don’t mind now, but what about later?
[ What about Yuu?
… What about Rum…? Why is Ginger like this - ]
no subject
that's
It reddens Mika's cheeks to his ears and his gaze falls, stirring him the same way every insistence of want from Ginger has before. It isn't, in some sense, unexpected - he had guessed Ginger had pulled away because of a perceived sensuality; he knew already Ginger struggled with these sensations and feelings and awkward things, some Mika would accidentally provoke. But it is very different to hear it all with straining clarity, with need echoed in Ginger's warmer breath, in the yearning in his eyes.
He doesn't know if he's ever been wanted so badly (maybe by Yuu, but surely not in this way), even if he knows it can't be only him. (Ginger's other friends, maybe - Rum, for sure...) Some great part of him worries he doesn't have enough to give - that Ginger will soon enough find the bottom of the well, and realize it was all shallower than he thought. He would have to return to these others - his friends, his Rum, to get his fill.
And Mika would think to himself then - serves me right. But he doesn't want Ginger to go, too. How ridiculous he is, that he wants to badly to suffer, but also be loved. And Ginger is made of it.
You're lovely. No one's ever told him that before. His fingers curl into Ginger's skin. )
... I don't have later. I only have now.
( If he survives this world, then he will be sent back with everyone else - right? And when he returns, he will return to where he was, surely. Without a name or memories or a body; he will be the malevolent spirit he'd always seen himself as.
But that future isn't here, yet. What can he do for Ginger? What can he do for him and his tender, bruised heart, who can't find himself comfortable with how giving is Mika's joy?
... )
... What about later, for you? If I thought about it, and later I said... I wanted it— what about you?
( This is... Ginger's guilt - his anxiety. Ginger's just as important as Mika, here. Does Mika make it worse, being around him? )
no subject
[ Would Rum even care, when Rum is so disinterested in romance and relationships? Ginger can’t move on without Rum; does that require being in love though? Can Ginger let that go and keep the rest - the important parts of their friendship. The parts that Rum will allow?
(But what if one day, Rum gets tired of that, too?) ]
I refuse - to ever make you feel like you’re a mistake to me.
[ Ginger’s actions are often mistakes and he listens to all of the wrong parts of himself. But he thinks if Mika wanted, none of the things Ginger struggled with had to affect him - he could work harder on that. Slip up less, be more careful. He could hold back everything that’s Ginger and leave only what Mika deserves.
Which, would never be what Mika wants since he thinks he deserves even less than nothing.
But Mika - Mika is good. Too good for him. Mika is someone who, miracle of miracles, accepts all of Ginger. Even if he didn’t, Ginger believes… he deserves… love - in all forms. Everlasting, if Mika can find it in himself to accept it. ]
Whatever happens. You will always be important to me. Even - just holding hands - did you know it could feel that way? I didn’t, not until you.
no subject
He and Ginger have been close - physically closer, even, than he's been to Yuu; intimacy is comfortable with Ginger, because Ginger took it early and Mika grew used to it. Ginger has been open with him; has set his bleeding heart in Mika's hands and has told him look, you can have this. Ginger has said he loves him. He says it again, here. He says there are these things he wants to do with him, that Mika is his most important - and he punctuates it now with but I can do this however you want this. It feels like - it feels like, he's saying those feelings don't matter. But they matter to Mika.
Mika doesn't need a label, exactly - there is no necessary shift in hierarchy between romance and sex and family, to him. His world has never been so complex, so large. What - frustrates him here, as warm as Ginger is to him, is how it feels like Ginger would reshape himself for him.
And it frustrates him, because Mika would do the same thing for him, too.
His fingers dig firm into Ginger's shoulders and he pulls him down - against the bed, against the soft and stained covers, and he looks down at him from above, and he snatches up his hand. He squeezes it, stubbornly. )
I love you, too. ( As family, as Ginger, as the most important person to him here. ) And I know you know I'd say the same things to you. I'd do this however you want it. I'd like you how you like it. And I know you know you wouldn't like that.
( So he's not happy!! Ginger is doing this either!!! Because they really are similar, they had it figured out their first meeting and then they started stumbling through it again. They're so stupid - really, really stupid, he thinks. )
I want to figure out a way for us to be that makes us both happy. Can I have that? I hate that you keep... pulling away from me. I know it's because you hate this part of you. But I want to be allowed to love it, too. I just... want to try— and I want to hear what you like, what you want. Your possessive thoughts, your heady thoughts. Eventually, even if it's not now.
( Their position's weird, but he makes it work - interlocking their fingers, like Ginger did to him that first day in Mika's room, in a way that's become more common since. )
Because you're the only one who's made me feel like I'm not just some ugly beast. And I want to do the same for you, too. If I get to have eternity, then I'm going to spend forever on it. I'll promise it, if I have to.
no subject
It’s the way he would reshape himself for Ginger - and he’s right, Ginger does hate it.
He knows they shouldn’t have to do that for each other, but it’s habit by now. He should’ve chosen to be a demon long ago, but Rum likes angels. He’s terrible at angelic reformation, but that’s what it takes to stay Rum’s partner. He doesn’t think of these things as sacrifices, just what was necessary to keep Rum. And so far, Rum has accepted what he sees.
He doesn’t just want to be accepted; he wants to be loved.
And Mika is trying to love him as best he can. Has listened to Ginger’s heart and, somehow, only found himself lacking instead of Ginger. Which is crazy. He’s Mika. ]
You’d think… I would know better by now, when we keep telling each other the same things. [ Said like an apology. Mika has one hand, and Ginger reaches with his other to caress his face. It’s not just affection, there’s heat in his touch. ] Don’t promise, Mika - I love you, I’m listening.
Really listening this time.
I think we’ll keep stumbling, but you’ll catch me. [ He’s clumsy, it happens. ] And I’ll catch you. Instead of putting either one of us first, let’s try to put ourselves next to each other. How’s that - to start? Would that work?
And um. Lean down?
no subject
And some part of him had resigned to a near future of trying to figure out how to help Ginger for him while Ginger held fast to his worries. And he would have been glad to do it, regardless. He would have forgiven Ginger, and not thought twice of it. Because he does care for Ginger that much. He's worth the cost.
But Ginger hears him, he thinks. He feels it in his touch, and he wants to believe it in his words. And some part of him hesitates, still - it needles him, and it asks him if he's really allowed to be equal with Ginger. Bright in Mika's heart, melting its ice. But despite its cruelty, he presses his cheek into Ginger's palm. He tries to hear Ginger's voice instead of his own. )
... Okay. ( He squeezes Ginger's hand, as much for himself as for Ginger. ) Okay.
( A hesitant beat. What should he say here? There's so much he feels - you make me really happy; thank you for trying to make this work out, with me; thank you for thinking so much of me, even though I don't deserve it - he could go on, and on. He might not even have the words for everything he feels.
But, when he tries to put it all together, what comes out is something a little quiet, a little vulnerable, and a strange sort of happy - a simple: )
... Thank you.
( And he does lean down, as far as he needs to until Ginger does whatever he's thinking of. )
no subject
He had said once that he wanted to take care of Mika’s heart, something only possible because they’re similar enough. When he feels tethered by his own feelings, it’s Mika who reaches out, broaching the subject, careful of the tender gaps in his heart. It’s easier to speak then, and easier to listen and learn.
He’s okay with it if it takes another hundred years to learn everything about Mika. He’ll never get tired of it; he’s… eager.
Which - he’s never felt before. Learning another person - learning Rum was always associated with anxiety, a revelation of impending disappointment, and Ginger always stalls before disappointment becomes heartache becomes heartbreak.
His heart… aches a little now, in a new way.
His hand brushes past Mika’s cheek, sliding into his hair. He leans up as Mika leans down and meets the other in the middle. Light as a feather, delicate in touch, he kisses Mika. It may be a clumsy thing, a brief thing - he doesn’t know how to do it exactly right, not at this angle - but Mika wants to try loving this part of Ginger.
So carefully, just a little, he gives him this. ]
… Now you know that part.
[ If he still wants to try. But it’s okay if he doesn’t. ]
no subject
Did he feel like this with Yuu? He isn't sure. Maybe. Probably. (He had always associated every good feeling with Yuu, in the end.) But he'd never done this with Yuu; had never thought this far, when keeping him alive was the preoccupying priority.
He hadn't thought of a kiss as more than a mechanical thing, either. He understood it as an impulse for Ginger to contend with, and an act Mika probably wouldn't mind. He hadn't thought of it as a conduit for feeling. He hadn't thought of it as something that could provoke this lingering fullness in the decaying caverns of his chest. Maybe for others, but never for him.
He feels like he's learning a little bit about these sorts of things he thought lost to him, with Ginger. Some of these things are a little bit overwhelming, and a little bit scary. Some of these things make him worried, and make him think he's unworthy. Ginger is a lot; he's right. But he can't find himself repelled. It feels a little like taking hold of the sun.
And that's okay. He's okay with it, so long as it's Ginger. )
... Ah...
( He gazes down at him, red-cheeked and eyes a little wide, and it's hard to see Ginger's face from this close, but he thinks - maybe, what he likes most is how Ginger looks now.
Almost a murmur, almost talking to himself: )
... I didn't know... a kiss could feel that way.
( A mirror of what Ginger had said earlier. And he would have to think on it, why Ginger could move his heart such that it felt almost like it could beat. (Because he's family, he wonders?) But later. Later. Right now... Right now...
His lips part again, and he hesitates, his gaze falling lidded. Would Ginger mind? Ginger can always say no - he hopes he knows that. Would it be okay to at least ask? )
... Can I learn a little more?
( Can I try to kiss you, too?— is what he means to say. )
no subject
So - a kiss feels like that with someone you love.
He wonders if the kiss had felt the same for them both, even a little. Like his love and lust had trickled into the same cup and somehow, that single kiss was enough to cause it to overflow and pool liquid heat and heady need all over his body, its spread slow and persistent. Filling every gap in him.
What did the pretty flush on Mika’s face mean? Did he like it? … Could he love it? Ginger… wants to chase it with his mouth and find out. A mouth that right now is only capable of saying: ]
Please.
[ Please, I want it. Please, do it. Please, take. Whatever you want. Anything you want.
He’s glad that he’s down here, so that Mika can control their pace. They can stop whenever Mika wants to. He can pull back and Ginger will stay where he’s at, straining against his greed.
He won’t reach out for more.
He’s taken enough tonight. ]
no subject
How strange it feels, to hear his own heart mirrored back to him; how satisfying it is, to know someone feels the same.
Mika, for a moment, hesitates - all at once preoccupied with how he should kiss him; how he wanted to; and he's not so used to wanting something so abstract. Just the same way, again? Is there some other way to manage?
He squeezes Ginger's hand slightly, and lifts his head; seeing him better, even if at the opposite angle. He wonders if Rum ever saw this. He wonders if Rum ever appreciated the privilege. With tenderness, with care, he lifts his hand and brushes, slightly, Ginger's bangs from his face, fingertips so barely brushing across skin. Hot-cheeked and almost drunken (maybe a little bit because of the lingering scent of unhealed wounds), Mika seems like - he's holding onto something precious, something he wants to admire.
Sorry for lingering; he's bad at not. He's just always wanted someone he could so wholly adore.
Not yet had his fill of gazing at Ginger (it's fine, he's fine, he's normal) but at odds with a mounting curiosity, a want to kiss him again, and so he pulls away - the hand at his face and the hand in Ginger's own (sorry) so he can support himself as he shifts beside Ginger. He wants to kiss him like this, he thinks. He wants to try it, even if it feels a little more intimate - intimidating - exciting?, to face him proper.
But it's a lot less overwhelming once he sinks into it; he cups Ginger's face, first, and leans in - a soft kiss, still chaste - he doesn't consider yet that they can be deeper - but lasting a little longer. A sweet kiss. And it lingers. Even as it seems time to end, he's slow to part - and this time, he doesn't pull his face away far, even if it means he can't see Ginger well, with their lips still so close. )
... Did you like that, too?
no subject
Mika’s kiss - ah, it’s soft and so, so sweet. And he hasn’t even tasted Mika yet, not really.
(He can’t help but wonder.)
When Mika pulls away, Ginger nearly chases, mouth opening to catch. He stops short of their lips brushing again. Two kisses is more than he’d imagined ever possible when the idea of desiring Mika shifted from impossible to steadily, terrifyingly possible. Inevitable? Should he have known?
And he doesn’t just like it. ]
… Love it. [ As though he couldn’t admit the first without adding the second: ] Love you.
[ It only feels this good because their hearts have connected in this wondrous way. ]
Did you like it? … Could you love it?
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But it's hard to think much of it in the face of Ginger's smile, his wanting eyes. All dangers are easy to love when they keen and heel and put their paw in your hand.
He leans the small portion his weight a little against Ginger's chest as he keeps their lesser distance, a faint smile curling his lips as Ginger worries - his cheeks particularly hot, from the way Ginger says love, love you, so easy, the way he gives it freely.
Could he love this part of Ginger - Ginger, as a whole? Maybe brashly, maybe in that stupid youthful way, maybe emboldened because he feels so strongly this connection, he thinks he could. It's intimate and new and stirs him in ways he doesn't fully understand, but he's so sure he could love him, because... )
... Yeah. Because it's you.
( And Ginger feels like being with Yuu, but without that constant fear. )
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For two kisses and the rare beauty of Mika’s smile. That’s good; that’s enough. He will never stop wanting more, but he tells himself that Mika is more than enough, more than he deserves - always.
His arms slide around Mika, hips first, then the small of his back, now that he thinks he can contain the urge to plead for one more kiss. Instead - instead he’d rather show his feelings in a different way. Brushing their noses together, all affection and playfulness - because he’s happy, he’s happy. If that doesn’t show it, there’s his soft, curling lips and smiling eyes.
(Never mind the needy, stiff heat between his legs. It’s there, has been, but for once, the shame doesn’t gnaw at him as insistently. Just an afterthought this time.)
(It wants Mika, after all, and Ginger has him.) ]
Thank you, Mika. [ He wants to learn better words for this. In time, after some practice. But the most the important word he wants to whisper is just Mika’s name anyway. ] Can you please stay tonight? You can take from me - I’m yours, but I want to make sure you can rest where it’s safe.
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It's not like he'd been smiling brightly or a lot, but his cheeks already hurt - softening the way Ginger noses him, holds him, Mika's own fingers curling against Ginger's cheek.
Of course, he does feel the need - and though he's gotten kind of used to it by now (based on how often Ginger volunteers for feedings), for once his mind does sort of wander, thinking - maybe Ginger would be a little less guarded about this sort of thing with him now? But he still has a lot to learn; he underestimates it less. He barely knew kissing could feel nice, and among these gestures, he still - wants to learn more about them, for as long as Ginger was willing. )
... Okay.
( Warm-cheeked, a smile still on his lips, nearly matching Ginger's own. He doesn't need to think about his answer; of course he'd stay, would want to stay, even if Ginger hadn't offered.
But if there is mention of safety - the warmth in his face fades as concern ripples through his expression again. )
Wait, but - you need a healer, first. Your back - can it get infected? Will you bleed out?
( Ginger's not human, but what if...?? He takes Ginger's face in both hands with care, looking him in his twilight eyes. )
Are you sure it's okay? It's not sore? Is there anything I should know?
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(He thinks… he wants to worship him all over, every snow-pale inch.)
Mika’s so beautiful in this moment that it takes Ginger whole seconds to blink out of his adoration. He sees a little less warmth and a little more worry. ]
I… don’t think… he was aiming all that well at the time. [ And maybe some part of Khun had realized that spearing through Ginger would likely pierce through him as well. ] I’ll get a healer in the morning - I think the spelled towel will do for tonight. It’s… somewhere in here.
[ When he gets his brain to work again, he’ll summon it to them. ]
I guess… it’s sore… [ Trying to be honest in his answers. He can’t really feel it - there’s too many other important things to feel. And once those things settle, he won’t even mind the pain. A reminder of - all the bad and good from tonight. He needs it to hurt, he thinks. ] But… I don’t want to be away from you, not after what happened.
My heart… [ Needs Mika to stay close. ] … needs you more than my body needs healing. Is that… alright?
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But Ginger is so earnest and loving in a way Mika has missed so dearly, and it comes too in shades he hasn't yet experienced from Yuu - shades he has always, always wanted desperately, but has never known. (How greedy it is, to want to be loved, instead of selflessly devoting yourself to another.) It's hard not to believe him, when Mika has always been weak to those led by their hearts, regardless of his own reason.
...
He brings their foreheads together again, noses brushing, lips close, like before. )
... Only if you really will be okay. ( A gentle plea, but one that suggests he's trying to listen to Ginger's voice instead of his own fear's, for once. ) I can't give you my eternity if you disappear.
( "Disappear" being the mildest way to put it, but his chest would seize to think of it as any worse - when all he wants to do is set Ginger's affection in his empty chest instead, let himself feel a mimicry of living again. (Selfish, selfish, but is it okay as long as Ginger likes selfish?)
This time, he closes that slight distance between their lips - they brush together slightly, not fully a kiss, but a little more than the playful nosing Ginger did earlier. It's experimental. But if this sort of thing can convey feeling, maybe this small gesture can serve as an underline. )
... I'm here. I'll always be here. So... you can rest.
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