[This feels like a revelation, despite the fact that he's pretty sure he already knew this. He makes Yamato happy, which is why Yamato was willing to put himself at risk in the first place. So it makes sense, and he knows it, and yet somehow it feels different hearing it now.
There's more to it than the words are conveying to him, then. He's not exactly sure how much more, but it's like he's teetering on the precipice of understanding, but not quite able to tip over the edge. He knows there's more to it than that.
What exactly does it mean, though? Would it kill Yamato to be more straightforward with his words, honestly...]
Well, yeah. I'd say it means somethin'. An' I'm glad to hear that I can make you that happy!
[...Nope, there it goes, the understanding sails right over his head yet again... Maybe eventually he'll get it.]
Would it kill Yamato to be more straightforward? Yeah. Yeah, it would. He's a dying man over here, Malice. He's thinking about burying himself in his bed and never emerging from it ever again, but he's in it now, and the fact that it's not clicking with Malice is at best, pretty frustrating. It's his own fault, though. Such is life when you spend most of it lying to other people.....
He pulls back, just enough so he can look at Malice in the eye. He smiles. He'll force himself to even if he feels himself falter. ]
I'm an idol, and these things are supposed to be off-limits...but it feels like I'd never forgive myself if I shut you out.
So...I'm happy with how things are now.
[ A beat. ]
But I think there's room for me to be more with you, at the same time.
Not even Malice can miss it this time and he pauses, eye wide as he takes that in. Yamato is interested in him. Of course that would explain a few things - it's not like cuddling with your human in this close proximity is a normal thing, after all - and the weight of it feels like it's going to simply crush him.
Yamato is interested in him. He makes Yamato happy as things are now, but they could push this even further. They could be together. That's something Yamato would want, despite knowing so much of Malice's past, despite knowing that he's been terribly cruel to people who trusted him before.
But he wants to be better, and Yamato knows that too. And he's willing to trust Malice with this, to reach out a hand and not shy away from the possibility of being rebuffed.
—And really, shouldn't he rebuff him? Even though Malice is trying to do better, there's no guarantee that he won't hurt Yamato. And he even said this was supposed to be off-limits! So isn't it a bad idea? Isn't it too much, for both of them? Wouldn't things be better staying as they are?]
I...
[For once, words fail him. There's a flush rising to his cheeks as he realizes just how badly he's missed the mark on this one and while it is partially due to embarrassment, it's also due to... well, just how fast his heart is hammering in his chest.
(Is that why Yamato's heartbeat has been fluctuating? Because he's feeling something similar?)
It's a lot to take in. It's a lot to process. And really, he's not sure how to respond.]
[...No, that's not right. He knows how to respond. But as he opens his mouth again to get the words out... they fail him once more. Of all times to find himself tongue-tied, it's here and now, where he needs words the most. Malice opens and closes his mouth a few more times in an attempt to find the words he wants...
Before he sighs, frustrated with his inability to properly express himself and decides to go for the most straightforward option.
He moves to grip the front of Yamato's shirt and pull him forward - assuming Yamato doesn't resist, he's being dragged into a kiss. It's surprisingly gentle and chaste coming from Malice, but it sums up things better than his (lack of) words could right now, he thinks.]
[ He can tell that Malice is having a hard time responding, and that, in Yamato's mind, is grounds to believe he's probably gone and fucked everything up, in typical Yamato fashion. Always burning bridges, always being selfish and never thinking about how his actions might make someone else feel even if it's with their best interests in mind. This is nothing new to him, this will be fine and he and Malice won't speak. That's how it went with Mitsu. He's used to it-
except that's not what happens. Instead, he's being pulled forward, and no, he doesn't resist, even though his eyes widen when he's been kissed.
It's his first time, and he would've expected something different from Malice if he knew this was going to happen, but this? This is good. This feels right, and he feels his heart pound in his chest as he closes his eyes and returns it. It's definitely a little tentative since this man has never had the touch of another human in his life (joke) but he's happy.
Everything telling him this is a bad idea, that he should back away because there's no way that this'll work out for either of them, is silenced. Yamato may know and meet people who woldn't approve if they found out, but he is sure he won't meet another Malice.
For this reason, he allows himself to be unwise and selfish, and his hold on Malice tightens once more. ]
[Yamato's grip tightening in response gets a pleased hum from Malice, and though Yamato's kiss is tentative, his isn't. He may not have much experience with proper relationships, but he's slept around experienced with this and he's eager to kiss his... Yamato.
At least until he has to break to catch his breath, which would be the perfect time to actually talk about this, but instead Malice decides "fuck it" and kisses Yamato again. His hand rises from the vicegrip he has on Yamato's shirt to gently slide up his neck and settle against the side of his face, always gentle in sharp contrast to the clingy behavior from earlier.]
[ The second one also catches him by surprise, because he actually did think they'd talk about things, but this is also Malice and Malice is a guy who seems to really know what he wants. So, he'll accept another kiss and even subconsciously lean into Malice's hand. It feels nice, being treated like he's precious.
He's the first to break away this time, and he doesn't pull away much, but he quietly chuckles and his expression looks rather bashful. ]
[Malice remains close, considering shutting Yamato up by kissing him again because that's so much easier than talking, but instead he decides to humor him.]
...Nah.
[—or not.]
You'll learn faster the more you practice! An' you'll have plenty of time to practice with me.
Yamato's tempted to sigh and complain about how Malice is such a handful, but he gets the feeling that the guy's pretty eager. So he quickly works up the courage to initiate the next one – he leans in for a third kiss, and he feels his fingers curl into the fabric of Malice's shirt. ]
[You're not wrong!! Malice is quick to return that kiss, of course, though he keeps it chaste for now until Yamato's more comfortable with it. It's sweet, seeing how eager Yamato is as well and knowing that he's made Yamato feel this way.
Of course, there is the lingering feeling that they probably should talk about it... so once they break again, Malice finally settles a bit.]
[ There we go. Yamato uses this opportunity to catch his breath again, since it seems like Malice actually wants to talk about things, and he lets out another quiet laugh. ]
I think I catch your drift, yeah.
[ An understatement, but the way he looks at Malice is incredibly soft, and he can't help himself – he softly presses his lips to Malice's cheek. He'd been wanting to do that earlier, so. ]
[That gets a surprisingly soft, almost shy laugh from him. It doesn't even sound as evil as usual! (It still sounds kind of evil, though.) Malice's gaze darts for a moment as that color returns to his cheeks.]
You treat me so well, y'know. It's kinda... overwhelmin', sometimes.
[A good sort of overwhelming, from the sound of it. He may be used to some brands of physical intimacy, but being cared for like this, being treated gently is something he's never experienced before. It makes his heart beat all the faster.]
I'm just doing what feels right. Glad you're not complaining about it.
[ Look, just because they're...friends? Boyfriends? What the fuck? Doesn't mean they can't rib at each other sometimes. He's sure that if he had both arms at full capacity, he'd be pulling Malice even closer.
For a more serious answer, though: ]
You mean the world to me. Of course I'm going to treat you well – or try to, anyway.
[He knows it goes without saying - of course he doesn't want to hurt Yamato - but he says it to confirm it to himself. He isn't going to hurt Yamato. He's going to do whatever he can to make sure he doesn't.]
Thanks. For bein' so patient with me in figurin' this out.
[He chuckles at that, but he's not embarrassed by it.]
[ At that, he leans in and presses a soft kiss to Malice's lips, just one more time to accentuate his feelings. How much he's been wanting to do this, even if it hasn't been all that long. He's starting to get more comfortable with doing that, too. It's nice. ]
If you wanted time to think, I would've waited. However long you would've needed, I would've given you that time. ... That's what love's supposed to be like, isn't it? Patient and kind.
I know you would've. But I don't need time - I already know what my answer is.
[...]
I haven't really... experienced love. I mean, there were a few times where people did care 'bout me, but most of 'em were so long ago that I don't really remember 'em clearly.
[The woman who took him in is the one who stands out. She was so careful and gentle with him, even though he was far stronger and more durable than she was; she was human, after all.]
Patient an' kind, though... Guess I've got some learnin' to do too, huh?
It's...complicated. Idols aren't normally allowed to date, where I'm from. We're supposed to dedicate ourselves to our fans, and getting into relationships can upset a lot of them.
[ He says this pretty neutrally, like he has no strong feelings about it one way or another. He just knows it's something he shouldn't do, and it wasn't something he'd even considered for a while before then, too. ]
But...there won't be another you out there. There's only one Malice...so I didn't want to walk away from this with any regrets. And I sure as hell don't want to walk away from it without you.
[ It'll be hard. It'll be difficult to work around things, but- ]
[It sounds kind of silly to him, but this definitely sounds like a serious concern that Yamato does have to think about. This is something he's never had to deal with, so he has to trust Yamato's thoughts on it.]
Yeah, I know you will. An' I understand, I feel the same way.
[ He laughs while Malice does that and gently swats his hand away...but he ends up catching that hand in his. He brings Malice's hand to his lips and gently kisses the back of it, over his knuckles.
...
He's so surprised at himself that he can't help but feel a little flustered. Oops. ]
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'Course you can. You know I'll always listen.
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[ He doesn't entirely know what he's saying. His mind's racing, but. ]
I'm starting to realize...I'm happiest when I'm around you. I just think that means something.
[ ... ]
That's all.
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There's more to it than the words are conveying to him, then. He's not exactly sure how much more, but it's like he's teetering on the precipice of understanding, but not quite able to tip over the edge. He knows there's more to it than that.
What exactly does it mean, though? Would it kill Yamato to be more straightforward with his words, honestly...]
Well, yeah. I'd say it means somethin'. An' I'm glad to hear that I can make you that happy!
[...Nope, there it goes, the understanding sails right over his head yet again... Maybe eventually he'll get it.]
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Would it kill Yamato to be more straightforward? Yeah. Yeah, it would. He's a dying man over here, Malice. He's thinking about burying himself in his bed and never emerging from it ever again, but he's in it now, and the fact that it's not clicking with Malice is at best, pretty frustrating. It's his own fault, though. Such is life when you spend most of it lying to other people.....
He pulls back, just enough so he can look at Malice in the eye. He smiles. He'll force himself to even if he feels himself falter. ]
I'm an idol, and these things are supposed to be off-limits...but it feels like I'd never forgive myself if I shut you out.
So...I'm happy with how things are now.
[ A beat. ]
But I think there's room for me to be more with you, at the same time.
[ Yeah. That...that feels right. ]
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Oh.
Not even Malice can miss it this time and he pauses, eye wide as he takes that in. Yamato is interested in him. Of course that would explain a few things - it's not like cuddling with your human in this close proximity is a normal thing, after all - and the weight of it feels like it's going to simply crush him.
Yamato is interested in him. He makes Yamato happy as things are now, but they could push this even further. They could be together. That's something Yamato would want, despite knowing so much of Malice's past, despite knowing that he's been terribly cruel to people who trusted him before.
But he wants to be better, and Yamato knows that too. And he's willing to trust Malice with this, to reach out a hand and not shy away from the possibility of being rebuffed.
—And really, shouldn't he rebuff him? Even though Malice is trying to do better, there's no guarantee that he won't hurt Yamato. And he even said this was supposed to be off-limits! So isn't it a bad idea? Isn't it too much, for both of them? Wouldn't things be better staying as they are?]
I...
[For once, words fail him. There's a flush rising to his cheeks as he realizes just how badly he's missed the mark on this one and while it is partially due to embarrassment, it's also due to... well, just how fast his heart is hammering in his chest.
(Is that why Yamato's heartbeat has been fluctuating? Because he's feeling something similar?)
It's a lot to take in. It's a lot to process. And really, he's not sure how to respond.]
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Before he sighs, frustrated with his inability to properly express himself and decides to go for the most straightforward option.
He moves to grip the front of Yamato's shirt and pull him forward - assuming Yamato doesn't resist, he's being dragged into a kiss. It's surprisingly gentle and chaste coming from Malice, but it sums up things better than his (lack of) words could right now, he thinks.]
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except that's not what happens. Instead, he's being pulled forward, and no, he doesn't resist, even though his eyes widen when he's been kissed.
It's his first time, and he would've expected something different from Malice if he knew this was going to happen, but this? This is good. This feels right, and he feels his heart pound in his chest as he closes his eyes and returns it. It's definitely a little tentative since this man has never had the touch of another human in his life (joke) but he's happy.
Everything telling him this is a bad idea, that he should back away because there's no way that this'll work out for either of them, is silenced. Yamato may know and meet people who woldn't approve if they found out, but he is sure he won't meet another Malice.
For this reason, he allows himself to be unwise and selfish, and his hold on Malice tightens once more. ]
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slept aroundexperienced with this and he's eager to kiss his... Yamato.At least until he has to break to catch his breath, which would be the perfect time to actually talk about this, but instead Malice decides "fuck it" and kisses Yamato again. His hand rises from the vicegrip he has on Yamato's shirt to gently slide up his neck and settle against the side of his face, always gentle in sharp contrast to the clingy behavior from earlier.]
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He's the first to break away this time, and he doesn't pull away much, but he quietly chuckles and his expression looks rather bashful. ]
H-hey... I'm new to this, so go easy on me.
[ He's mostly joking. ]
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...Nah.
[—or not.]
You'll learn faster the more you practice! An' you'll have plenty of time to practice with me.
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Yamato's tempted to sigh and complain about how Malice is such a handful, but he gets the feeling that the guy's pretty eager. So he quickly works up the courage to initiate the next one – he leans in for a third kiss, and he feels his fingers curl into the fabric of Malice's shirt. ]
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Of course, there is the lingering feeling that they probably should talk about it... so once they break again, Malice finally settles a bit.]
Guessin' that's a good enough answer for ya?
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I think I catch your drift, yeah.
[ An understatement, but the way he looks at Malice is incredibly soft, and he can't help himself – he softly presses his lips to Malice's cheek. He'd been wanting to do that earlier, so. ]
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You treat me so well, y'know. It's kinda... overwhelmin', sometimes.
[A good sort of overwhelming, from the sound of it. He may be used to some brands of physical intimacy, but being cared for like this, being treated gently is something he's never experienced before. It makes his heart beat all the faster.]
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[ Look, just because they're...friends? Boyfriends? What the fuck? Doesn't mean they can't rib at each other sometimes. He's sure that if he had both arms at full capacity, he'd be pulling Malice even closer.
For a more serious answer, though: ]
You mean the world to me. Of course I'm going to treat you well – or try to, anyway.
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[He knows it goes without saying - of course he doesn't want to hurt Yamato - but he says it to confirm it to himself. He isn't going to hurt Yamato. He's going to do whatever he can to make sure he doesn't.]
Thanks. For bein' so patient with me in figurin' this out.
[He chuckles at that, but he's not embarrassed by it.]
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If you wanted time to think, I would've waited. However long you would've needed, I would've given you that time. ... That's what love's supposed to be like, isn't it? Patient and kind.
[ ...Yeah. ]
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[...]
I haven't really... experienced love. I mean, there were a few times where people did care 'bout me, but most of 'em were so long ago that I don't really remember 'em clearly.
[The woman who took him in is the one who stands out. She was so careful and gentle with him, even though he was far stronger and more durable than she was; she was human, after all.]
Patient an' kind, though... Guess I've got some learnin' to do too, huh?
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[ So if Malice is a little more fiery, that's fine. He's not worried. He placed himself in Malice's hands for a reason, after all. ]
Thanks. For not turning me away. I thought I went and messed everything up for a second, but you surprised me.
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...But that'd just be denyin' what we both want, right? An' sometimes you gotta take a risk.
["sometimes" smh]
You gonna be okay with... this?
[Vague handwave to refer to their... relationship? Maybe?]
You said somethin' 'bout it bein' off-limits?
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[ He says this pretty neutrally, like he has no strong feelings about it one way or another. He just knows it's something he shouldn't do, and it wasn't something he'd even considered for a while before then, too. ]
But...there won't be another you out there. There's only one Malice...so I didn't want to walk away from this with any regrets. And I sure as hell don't want to walk away from it without you.
[ It'll be hard. It'll be difficult to work around things, but- ]
I'll figure something out.
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[It sounds kind of silly to him, but this definitely sounds like a serious concern that Yamato does have to think about. This is something he's never had to deal with, so he has to trust Yamato's thoughts on it.]
Yeah, I know you will. An' I understand, I feel the same way.
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[ He's really happy, actually. ]
You're stuck with me, now.
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[And then he reaches up to ruffle Yamato's hair, grinning as he does so.]
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[ He laughs while Malice does that and gently swats his hand away...but he ends up catching that hand in his. He brings Malice's hand to his lips and gently kisses the back of it, over his knuckles.
...
He's so surprised at himself that he can't help but feel a little flustered. Oops. ]
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closes my eyes
yams.......
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