[ Briefly, Ginger had thought to bring Mika to his own room. But - no, no, he wants Mika safe with him, in a space that has Ginger’s touch all over. Claims. Everything important stored here.
And Mika is the most important. He’s set on the bed, nestled in pillows and a thick comforter. Mika may not feel things as easily, but comfort is different. He seems to like that - soft, warm touches.
And more than comfort, Mika needs blood. The wrist is a choice, but Ginger goes for his palm instead. A deep cut across, blood dripping rapidly from his fist into Mika’s waiting mouth. It stings sharply in the way straight cuts tend to, delayed at first like it’s not even there.
But it’s a good reminder, he thinks.
This time, feeding Mika hurts. It cost tears and rage, Ginger’s lashes still clinging damply every time he blinks. It’ll be bandaged with guilt when he thinks to take care of it later; when he remembers that under his mended uniform, his back is full of long scratches that he doesn’t want Mika to see; when he remembers he owes Khun more than just a conversation or a knife to the neck.
( Mika does not dream well. It's not Yamato's fault. He just sees the same thing he's seen for years - the screaming, the blood, small bodies crush against the floor. Yuu.
A new dream joins him tonight, though; the dream he saw in his last moments, before coming to this strange world. A peaceful night at the orphanage; talking with Yuu, way past their bedtimes. A monster attacking. Mika taking up a knife - all of them finding out that Mika's the monster, and has been all along.
Yuu doesn't make it out, this time.
He blames Mika, like he always should have.
But, like always, he didn't stop Mika, no matter how much he begged. No one ever stops him. No one ever puts him down. Why?
Why?
Mika rouses slow and languid, the curse heavy on his bones, but fading with every moment. He isn't much of anything as he does - not Mika, not a vampire - but the rich sensation that ripples from his tongue, beckons him awake before even the scent or sense of Ginger does. He doesn't begin to wake immediately. It still takes a little time, but he begins to come to.
Wanderer's charm, which is definitely not something I'm forgetting about at this juncture, keeps him steady as he stirs, his eyes opening slightly. He's hungry - hungry as hell, still, despite what he'd gotten off Jing Yuan, but he's still himself - mostly. He's exhausted, and groggy - barely awake, as the last of the curse leaves him.
With a tired hand, he reaches up for Ginger's wrist - not a fierce grip, like what he'd tried on Yamato, but one that tries to pull his palm against his lips, so he can lick the wound directly, as if it were a thing of honey.
Sweet... Sweet, and familiar, and all of this - soft.
Ah... )
... Ginger...?
( A dazed voice, but one used to speak of something safe - a fireplace, a warm bed on a rainy day, hot chocolate with a friend.
He's coming to, he's coming to... the shock and guilt will settle in a moment - until then, he can live blissfully unaware of the sin of existence. )
[ Turning his upper body slightly to catch Mika waking, then he’s swinging his long legs over the bed to face him completely. It makes it easier to run his free hand through his hair, brushing it back from his forehead. Light touches as though right now Mika’s more fragile than he can bear.
His voice is back. Good. He’s aware enough to want more blood, to grab Ginger’s hand. Also good.
But Ginger thinks he should sleep more. He can feel how weak Mika is, the grip around his wrist has practically no strength at all. So he holds it closer for Mika; the other just needs to hold on.
(He’s so sad and guilty his body doesn’t even react to the licks this time.) ]
( Okay. Okay. Then things are okay. He presses his lips to the wound to better drink from it, letting his eyes drift closed. )
... Mm.
( The hands in his hair feel nice; Ginger's familiar scent around him, and the soft bed - it all feels like Ginger's embrace. He forgets he was dreaming at all. His hand at his wrist slips from Ginger, and falls back beside him. He could rest.
( Mika shoots up suddenly with panicked hyperventilation, hand whipping to his neck - the air goes through; the wound is gone. In its place - in an unusual fashion, for Mika - are the beginnings of a scar. But he could care less.
He looks around - takes in the room barely - sees Ginger - sees no one else. )
Where—
( His voice comes raspy now that he's trying to force it after being so freshly healed. He forcibly swallows, his tongue thick with the taste of Ginger's blood (have some more, come on - he's still offering), and - Jing Yuan's, but - he's not sure whether or not there's anyone else's, did he drain—
Ginger.
He nearly stumbles getting from a sitting up position into on his knees, trying - to reach for his face, grab his face in his hands with his pathetic grip, look at him - scared for him, more than anything. )
Are you okay? Are you hurt? Is that— What's going to happen—
[ Ginger rises too, like a mirrored response, as though trying to anticipate Mika’s body language. Arms automatically reaching out to catch him should he stumble - onto what? Soft sheets? But just the idea of Mika falling - falling alone, still, empty - terrifies him, kicking up his heart-rate.
Mika can reach for him how he wants, touch him how he wants. Ginger simply kneels there, bracing him, palm still bloody. His uniform is whole again, covering the damage Khun’s icicles had done to his back, only the line of one long jagged scratch peeks out from the back of his black collar. His eyes still haven’t recovered; the ink that darkens his sclera stopping short of full on one. But that’s a detail Ginger’s not aware of - he hasn’t taken a glance of himself yet.
(If he knew, he would have covered it up. He doesn’t want to add to Mika’s worries. Please, please… don’t worry about him. ) ]
This is - my room.
[ Eyes on Mika’s throat as it moves with speech. There’s a scar right on Mika’s pale skin, reminding Ginger: this is the line anyone can follow if they want to take Mika away from you, straight and easy. He swallows back - pure fear. ]
I’ll be okay. Everyone’s okay.
[ He doesn’t know that with any certainty; but… he thinks Solomon would have warned him. ]
Are you - no, you’re not okay. Mika, what can I do for you?
( He's okay? He's not. If he was okay, his eye wouldn't look like that - right? He sees the injury peeking from his back, he can almost taste the scent of more - he's not. Mika shakes his head. )
You're not okay. ( He's not even thinking of the others - yet. He'll remember them soon. ) You're not. He hurt you— did you get healed? Does it hurt? What does it mean when your eye's like this?
( Barely thinking about how Ginger braces him, his weight leans forward, urgent - one hand keeping Ginger's face firm, the other drifing up until his thumb presses light at the corner of Ginger's crescent eye. )
[ When Mika says please, how can he not obey? He’ll answer the questions about himself, though he’d rather not. Who cares about him? He wants to know how Mika’s doing, what Mika needs… ]
… And you’ll answer my question after? No, I didn’t get healed. I guess… technically it does hurt, but I just don’t care right now. Trust me, it hurt a thousand times worse… seeing the state you were in.
[ Then… something about his eye? He leans closer until he sees what’s reflected in Mika’s gaze. Oh. ]
I was angry. It means I was angry and I wanted to - [ His mouth clicks shut. But Mika had said please. ] I wanted to hurt him for hurting you. At least as much. And I needed more power to - to…
[ Ensure that every blow hurt, that every hit was felt. He doesn’t know how to say that he’d kill for Mika, knowing that would upset him. ]
So… that was me - improperly - unsealing my demon form. It probably didn’t work because I’m already in some messed up half-sealed state. … It’ll go away.
( Hearing all this is enough to hurt him, the things Ginger says ringing cold and familiar and knotting his ever-hungry stomach. He has so many questions and he's struggling through all his fear to speak them. He shakes his head - he doesn't know what to, even. He just shakes it, like denying everything here.
He can't even heal. He can't do anything for Ginger. )
... I did this to you?
( That's what it comes down to, in the end. If Mika had never done any of this - hadn't gotten hurt - hadn't been here - Ginger would've never chosen to do these things, would've never felt hurt. He'd still be fine. )
... Never... Don't— don't ever do that again. Never, ever, ever. Okay? Please. If you'd died— if you'd been hurt, if they couldn't heal you— if they couldn't fix... What happens if you're all the way unsealed? I—
( He isn't worth it. Please don't do these things to yourself because of him. Please... )
... Please... don't go away.
( His hands fall so they're cupping Ginger's face again, like he's afraid if he lets go, Ginger will just - disappear. )
... We need to get you healing.
( He isn't even thinking about Ginger's questions for him - just Ginger, and making sure Ginger's okay. )
Okay, I pro - [ A wince and he starts over. ] I will. Later. I’ll go and let them bandage me up like a mummy if you want me to.
[ Just the part about healing, however. ]
But - listen, please. [ He grabs Mika’s hand with his uninjured one, bringing it to his lips. To draw attention to his words, to make sure Mika feels every single syllable said. ] It isn’t like that - it’s not something that’ll control me if I unseal it. I was angry, but that was all me. My demon form - or my angel form, those are just tools I can use. I’ve just… always been more of a demon so that’s what comes out when I’m acting on - pure instinct.
You don’t have to be afraid of me.
[ He doesn’t know what he’d do then. But he pushes through before his mind can take that scenario and create nightmares out of it. ]
… I love you. If anyone hurts you, of course I’m going to be upset.
[ Isn’t that… normal? That feels like the most normal part of Ginger right now. ]
( He doesn't miss the almost-promise - but there's something more important right now: the things Ginger says; his fears; his love, and the way it makes Mika falter.
He told Yuu he loved him before he died. It almost feels like Ginger's saying good bye, too. )
... How could I ever be scared of you?
( His thumb presses light against Ginger's lips. Ginger said it - too, when Mika entered his frenzy, that time. Scared for you, not of you. Mika feels the same.
... He brings his face close - foreheads touching soft. Listen, listen, listen. )
... I trust you. I'm... sorry I scared you.
( Please allow him one apology. At least one.
If... Ginger says it's nothing that'll consume him - change him - take him away... as much as it argues with what Mika knows frok his world, he'll do everything he can to believe him.
His eyes are a little wet. A little moist. No tears, just - feeling, like rain shaking loose silt from the bottom of a lake. There are things he can explain - about Yuu-chan, and why it scared, scares him, but... later. Not right now. )
... I hate that someone hurt you; that you... got so hurt because of me. I'm okay only as much as you are. Okay? I'm never going to be okay if you're hurt when it's all over.
Oh. [ Soft when their foreheads touch. Affection that hurts tender, in a… good way. In a way that makes Ginger want to draw closer, to tilt his head so they align in all the ways. He doesn’t, but it’s a thought that he blinks away, slow, dreamy. ] How did you know I was about to say those exact words?
[ As though Mika heard what was in his heart and gave it voice - for him. ]
I wish I could promise you everything you want. [ But he can’t. Or rather, he would - but if Mika finds out about the caveats on promises (if he didn’t already know)… ] I’m not trying to get hurt, especially because I know… that hurts you. But besides nearly killing you - he left a scar on your neck.
[ A mark on Mika when Mika is Ginger’s - family, most important person, his love. Everything.
Everything.
Everything. ]
And I’m… possessive. [ The word spat out unhappily. ]
( Mika said it to him, but surprise ripples across his features when he hears it back. He doesn't - understand, still, exactly, what - how - he became so precious to Ginger, someone like him, something like him, to someone like Ginger. Something Ginger wants. Every anxiety he's had before still remains - compounds, in his chest.
I'm not worth it, he wants to argue, again - not at all, not compared to you.
But somewhere in this haze of love and the scent of Ginger's blood fresh from his back, he doesn't want to let go of Ginger. He wants to stay right here.
Is that okay? Is he taking up someone else's spot? Someone better for Ginger? )
... Don't promise. We're not supposed to. ( He isn't sure if this means if Ginger knows about the promise caveat, but he'll check later. Right now, he's just... ) I believe you without it.
( He hears the conviction in Ginger's voice, and - feels at ease, knowing their feelings sync. That he doesn't have to argue with him to - stop - hurting himself, running off, maybe never coming back...
He doesn't know how to navigate Ginger's possessiveness, and he doesn't answer it first because he doesn't know at first which impulse to follow. His instinct: tell Ginger he can scar him, too. But he considers that his instinct hasn't always made Ginger happy. He thinks twice.
Honestly, it's - a strange hangup, but also strangely... endearing? That he's hung up on something so small. In this situation it's possessiveness, but.
... )
... Bite me. If you want. Over the scar - it won't hurt.
( Sorry he's bite-brained... but he clearly thought very hard about this (Mika...). It wouldn't be a permanent scar, so he thinks Ginger might not mind it as much... but marks might cover up the scar kind of? Maybe? )
[ A part of Ginger thinks he may be downplaying his possessiveness too much. Should he tell Mika that there was this… satisfaction in him, lurking behind the sadness and rage, when he told the others he would be taking Mika?
Or would Mika have realized this already? He’s in Ginger’s room, in Ginger’s bed. He trusts Ginger.
But Ginger can only be trusted to be himself - and what does that even mean? Does that guarantee that he’ll always put Mika first like he wants? When… when earlier, he had gone for Khun first. He wants to think it would have been different had there not been any healers, had he not seen Mika fuse himself back together, mending like a perfect stitch.
But that’s foolish (and yes, he’s a fool of the worst kind. Greedy, greedy. Selfish demon.) - because it wasn’t perfect this time. ]
… I don’t know if I can bite you. [ What he says, but he’s already crowding Mika. Nosing down his cheek to his neck. Biting is… a little too much for him. He wants to cherish Mika. ] Please… tell me what you want. What can I do for you?
[ What he knows, what he’s learned is… to search first with a hint of teeth. Next, when he hits the perfect spot, his tongue joins, lapping up skin along the raised texture of Mika’s scar. Slow and intentional, his foggy brain remembers. Then, at the edge of the scar, he presses his lips flushed against skin - warm from him? - and sucks gently. Then more insistently.
( His voice comes soft and gasping and sudden, wholly off-guard - Ginger had said he couldn't bite, so he didn't know what else to expect. What else is there, if not for teeth? He'd forgotten entirely Ginger's tongue, his soft lips - even though he'd just touched them, their warmth still an imprint against his fingers.
His hands had fallen to the back of Ginger's neck, his nails, curling lightly in - smearing into his blood, if there is any so far up. This is— he wants...
He swallows, the taste of Ginger's blood fresh on his tongue. He wants Ginger to get a healer, but Ginger did this of his own volition - is this something he wants, too? )
... Keep going.
( Cover the scar. Like he said. It's fine if Ginger does it the way he feels comfortable with. )
... And after...
( He presses... his face to Ginger's hair, and closes his eyes. He wants Ginger to get a healer. He wants him to get fixed up - now. He wants...
In a quieter voice, wholly ashamed: )
... I want... the blood from your back, where he hurt you.
[ That sound falls straight into the bowl that holds all of Ginger’s desires and lands in silence - or maybe with a gasp, Ginger’s gasp. He stills - this is a very bad idea, at a very bad time. He wants so bad to crawl into Mika and find the source of that noise and rip more out of him. Clawed, jealous - please don’t sound like that for anyone else.
Mika had said ‘keep going’, but Ginger can’t, Ginger shouldn’t -
He lines the rest of the scar with soft kisses - a compromise. They feel safer. Each one an apology he can’t say: sorry; sorry; sorry. (‘I didn’t mean to hear that sound you weren’t ready to make.’)
(‘It was beautiful.’)
Mika might not care about such things, but it’s not a little matter for Ginger. ]
… Yours, if you want it. Anything.
[ If Mika’s ready for him to pull back entirely, he does, head bowed - ashamed. He pulls off his sealing strap, then uniform shirt (somehow clean, somehow intact) to expose his back. His right shoulder is clear, as well as the lines of skin following the strap. The rest of him is a canvas for scattered cuts, raw in color. Like it had rained in razors and here’s Ginger, soaked in red without an umbrella.
He doesn’t remember it hurting then and he doesn’t feel it hurting now. ]
( There's almost a slight resistance as Ginger starts to pull back - a slight pressure of his hands at the back of his head, as if to tell him to stay. There's something perversely intimate about the kisses that he can't articulate, though they're nothing like the tender-pulsing mark Ginger had just left on him. Both are unexpected. Both are warm, and make him near mistake Ginger's heartbeat for his own.
He can guess why Ginger changed his method - it probably drifted a little too close to something sensual for him. And Mika - feels guilty, for provoking him when Ginger's been trying so hard to avoid it, for making Ginger feel so ashamed. But some part of him wishes - Ginger wouldn't hold back with him, so much.
Ginger carried the part of him Mika finds ugly and held it close. Mika... wants to do that for Ginger, too. He wants Ginger to let him.
But it's hard to keep hold of his thoughts and his sense when Ginger exposes his back to him - buffet that it is, every cut a sweet aroma that has tempted him even before his awakening. He feels like a slavering wolf; he feels like an animal. If he could drag his teeth along the spine, he could split him open like a fruit - each cut would join, and it'd all spill out, and it
But with Ginger, he just wants to be Mika.
He shifts on his knees, his neck still warm from Ginger's lips, and he leans in, bracing his hand against Ginger's shoulder - and leans forward, resisting temptation, pressing against Ginger's back, his mouth close to Ginger's ear. )
... Ginger.
( Soft but stern, to Ginger's bowed head. An earnest attempt to be heard. Listen, okay? Just listen. )
... There's nothing wrong with you. Not to me.
( He doesn't know if it's the right thing to say. All he can do is say what he thinks. With all his care and all his worry, he just hopes it's enough. )
The problem is always Ginger, overcomplicating things. Twisting delicate lines into obscene shapes and then getting caught in his own web, his own mind. And he keeps dragging Mika into it.
He knows - Mika doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. That is Mika’s truth. But Ginger knows he’s just all wrong, all the time. What gets him through anything is just how damn greedy he is despite knowing that.
Still he nods for Mika, head turning slightly as though he can’t help but be drawn even when he needs to turn away. Luring Mika in. He knows, he’s listening. He wants to listen to every sound.
He looks like he wants - a quiet sadness, a loud yearning. ]
You’re lovely.
[ Ginger loves him. ]
But I keep taking from you. What if I - kiss you on the lips next? Or press you down. It keeps growing - how much I want you. And you don’t mind now, but what about later?
It reddens Mika's cheeks to his ears and his gaze falls, stirring him the same way every insistence of want from Ginger has before. It isn't, in some sense, unexpected - he had guessed Ginger had pulled away because of a perceived sensuality; he knew already Ginger struggled with these sensations and feelings and awkward things, some Mika would accidentally provoke. But it is very different to hear it all with straining clarity, with need echoed in Ginger's warmer breath, in the yearning in his eyes.
He doesn't know if he's ever been wanted so badly (maybe by Yuu, but surely not in this way), even if he knows it can't be only him. (Ginger's other friends, maybe - Rum, for sure...) Some great part of him worries he doesn't have enough to give - that Ginger will soon enough find the bottom of the well, and realize it was all shallower than he thought. He would have to return to these others - his friends, his Rum, to get his fill.
And Mika would think to himself then - serves me right. But he doesn't want Ginger to go, too. How ridiculous he is, that he wants to badly to suffer, but also be loved. And Ginger is made of it.
You're lovely. No one's ever told him that before. His fingers curl into Ginger's skin. )
... I don't have later. I only have now.
( If he survives this world, then he will be sent back with everyone else - right? And when he returns, he will return to where he was, surely. Without a name or memories or a body; he will be the malevolent spirit he'd always seen himself as.
But that future isn't here, yet. What can he do for Ginger? What can he do for him and his tender, bruised heart, who can't find himself comfortable with how giving is Mika's joy?
... )
... What about later, for you? If I thought about it, and later I said... I wanted it— what about you?
( This is... Ginger's guilt - his anxiety. Ginger's just as important as Mika, here. Does Mika make it worse, being around him? )
If you want it, then I want to love you in whatever way makes you happy. [ And to be honest: ] I don’t know about the rest.
[ Would Rum even care, when Rum is so disinterested in romance and relationships? Ginger can’t move on without Rum; does that require being in love though? Can Ginger let that go and keep the rest - the important parts of their friendship. The parts that Rum will allow?
(But what if one day, Rum gets tired of that, too?) ]
I refuse - to ever make you feel like you’re a mistake to me.
[ Ginger’s actions are often mistakes and he listens to all of the wrong parts of himself. But he thinks if Mika wanted, none of the things Ginger struggled with had to affect him - he could work harder on that. Slip up less, be more careful. He could hold back everything that’s Ginger and leave only what Mika deserves.
Which, would never be what Mika wants since he thinks he deserves even less than nothing.
But Mika - Mika is good. Too good for him. Mika is someone who, miracle of miracles, accepts all of Ginger. Even if he didn’t, Ginger believes… he deserves… love - in all forms. Everlasting, if Mika can find it in himself to accept it. ]
Whatever happens. You will always be important to me. Even - just holding hands - did you know it could feel that way? I didn’t, not until you.
( Mika... frowns. Ginger's concerns are layered; there's a lot here, he thinks, that these few words are tangled up in - a greater picture he can't completely see, that occupies Ginger's internal world.
He and Ginger have been close - physically closer, even, than he's been to Yuu; intimacy is comfortable with Ginger, because Ginger took it early and Mika grew used to it. Ginger has been open with him; has set his bleeding heart in Mika's hands and has told him look, you can have this. Ginger has said he loves him. He says it again, here. He says there are these things he wants to do with him, that Mika is his most important - and he punctuates it now with but I can do this however you want this. It feels like - it feels like, he's saying those feelings don't matter. But they matter to Mika.
Mika doesn't need a label, exactly - there is no necessary shift in hierarchy between romance and sex and family, to him. His world has never been so complex, so large. What - frustrates him here, as warm as Ginger is to him, is how it feels like Ginger would reshape himself for him.
And it frustrates him, because Mika would do the same thing for him, too.
His fingers dig firm into Ginger's shoulders and he pulls him down - against the bed, against the soft and stained covers, and he looks down at him from above, and he snatches up his hand. He squeezes it, stubbornly. )
I love you, too. ( As family, as Ginger, as the most important person to him here. ) And I know you know I'd say the same things to you. I'd do this however you want it. I'd like you how you like it. And I know you know you wouldn't like that.
( So he's not happy!! Ginger is doing this either!!! Because they really are similar, they had it figured out their first meeting and then they started stumbling through it again. They're so stupid - really, really stupid, he thinks. )
I want to figure out a way for us to be that makes us both happy. Can I have that? I hate that you keep... pulling away from me. I know it's because you hate this part of you. But I want to be allowed to love it, too. I just... want to try— and I want to hear what you like, what you want. Your possessive thoughts, your heady thoughts. Eventually, even if it's not now.
( Their position's weird, but he makes it work - interlocking their fingers, like Ginger did to him that first day in Mika's room, in a way that's become more common since. )
Because you're the only one who's made me feel like I'm not just some ugly beast. And I want to do the same for you, too. If I get to have eternity, then I'm going to spend forever on it. I'll promise it, if I have to.
[ Ginger falls back onto the bed with no resistance and ends up with a fascinating view. From this angle, Mika looks like the sun, golden hair a halo. It reminds him of a spring day. Ginger was right. Mika is so lovely. It’s his heart, his persistent kindness; it’s the way he looks at Ginger.
It’s the way he would reshape himself for Ginger - and he’s right, Ginger does hate it.
He knows they shouldn’t have to do that for each other, but it’s habit by now. He should’ve chosen to be a demon long ago, but Rum likes angels. He’s terrible at angelic reformation, but that’s what it takes to stay Rum’s partner. He doesn’t think of these things as sacrifices, just what was necessary to keep Rum. And so far, Rum has accepted what he sees.
He doesn’t just want to be accepted; he wants to be loved.
And Mika is trying to love him as best he can. Has listened to Ginger’s heart and, somehow, only found himself lacking instead of Ginger. Which is crazy. He’s Mika. ]
You’d think… I would know better by now, when we keep telling each other the same things. [ Said like an apology. Mika has one hand, and Ginger reaches with his other to caress his face. It’s not just affection, there’s heat in his touch. ] Don’t promise, Mika - I love you, I’m listening.
Really listening this time.
I think we’ll keep stumbling, but you’ll catch me. [ He’s clumsy, it happens. ] And I’ll catch you. Instead of putting either one of us first, let’s try to put ourselves next to each other. How’s that - to start? Would that work?
( There's a tension between Mika's brows that dissipates as Ginger starts to speak, his expression softening with a hint of surprise. When he'd talk to Yuu, he had to shout to be heard - and even then, there was really no changing Yuu's path once he's begun it. Ginger isn't like that. He hasn't been like that so far. But Mika's just used to - things just not working out, at their most critical juncture.
And some part of him had resigned to a near future of trying to figure out how to help Ginger for him while Ginger held fast to his worries. And he would have been glad to do it, regardless. He would have forgiven Ginger, and not thought twice of it. Because he does care for Ginger that much. He's worth the cost.
But Ginger hears him, he thinks. He feels it in his touch, and he wants to believe it in his words. And some part of him hesitates, still - it needles him, and it asks him if he's really allowed to be equal with Ginger. Bright in Mika's heart, melting its ice. But despite its cruelty, he presses his cheek into Ginger's palm. He tries to hear Ginger's voice instead of his own. )
... Okay. ( He squeezes Ginger's hand, as much for himself as for Ginger. ) Okay.
( A hesitant beat. What should he say here? There's so much he feels - you make me really happy; thank you for trying to make this work out, with me; thank you for thinking so much of me, even though I don't deserve it - he could go on, and on. He might not even have the words for everything he feels.
But, when he tries to put it all together, what comes out is something a little quiet, a little vulnerable, and a strange sort of happy - a simple: )
... Thank you.
( And he does lean down, as far as he needs to until Ginger does whatever he's thinking of. )
[ Ginger smiles his answer and there’s warm relief - that they have, so far, always managed to come together to create an understanding.
He had said once that he wanted to take care of Mika’s heart, something only possible because they’re similar enough. When he feels tethered by his own feelings, it’s Mika who reaches out, broaching the subject, careful of the tender gaps in his heart. It’s easier to speak then, and easier to listen and learn.
He’s okay with it if it takes another hundred years to learn everything about Mika. He’ll never get tired of it; he’s… eager.
Which - he’s never felt before. Learning another person - learning Rum was always associated with anxiety, a revelation of impending disappointment, and Ginger always stalls before disappointment becomes heartache becomes heartbreak.
His heart… aches a little now, in a new way.
His hand brushes past Mika’s cheek, sliding into his hair. He leans up as Mika leans down and meets the other in the middle. Light as a feather, delicate in touch, he kisses Mika. It may be a clumsy thing, a brief thing - he doesn’t know how to do it exactly right, not at this angle - but Mika wants to try loving this part of Ginger.
So carefully, just a little, he gives him this. ]
… Now you know that part.
[ If he still wants to try. But it’s okay if he doesn’t. ]
( It's a heat that blooms from his lips to his cheeks like a ripple in the water, his gaze colored at first surprise with surprise - and then, the sensation sinking in. His heart doesn't thump. He knows that. It shouldn't stir; it doesn't move. So why does it feel now like it does?
Did he feel like this with Yuu? He isn't sure. Maybe. Probably. (He had always associated every good feeling with Yuu, in the end.) But he'd never done this with Yuu; had never thought this far, when keeping him alive was the preoccupying priority.
He hadn't thought of a kiss as more than a mechanical thing, either. He understood it as an impulse for Ginger to contend with, and an act Mika probably wouldn't mind. He hadn't thought of it as a conduit for feeling. He hadn't thought of it as something that could provoke this lingering fullness in the decaying caverns of his chest. Maybe for others, but never for him.
He feels like he's learning a little bit about these sorts of things he thought lost to him, with Ginger. Some of these things are a little bit overwhelming, and a little bit scary. Some of these things make him worried, and make him think he's unworthy. Ginger is a lot; he's right. But he can't find himself repelled. It feels a little like taking hold of the sun.
And that's okay. He's okay with it, so long as it's Ginger. )
... Ah...
( He gazes down at him, red-cheeked and eyes a little wide, and it's hard to see Ginger's face from this close, but he thinks - maybe, what he likes most is how Ginger looks now.
Almost a murmur, almost talking to himself: )
... I didn't know... a kiss could feel that way.
( A mirror of what Ginger had said earlier. And he would have to think on it, why Ginger could move his heart such that it felt almost like it could beat. (Because he's family, he wonders?) But later. Later. Right now... Right now...
His lips part again, and he hesitates, his gaze falling lidded. Would Ginger mind? Ginger can always say no - he hopes he knows that. Would it be okay to at least ask? )
... Can I learn a little more?
( Can I try to kiss you, too?— is what he means to say. )
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after week 3 chaos!
And Mika is the most important. He’s set on the bed, nestled in pillows and a thick comforter. Mika may not feel things as easily, but comfort is different. He seems to like that - soft, warm touches.
And more than comfort, Mika needs blood. The wrist is a choice, but Ginger goes for his palm instead. A deep cut across, blood dripping rapidly from his fist into Mika’s waiting mouth. It stings sharply in the way straight cuts tend to, delayed at first like it’s not even there.
But it’s a good reminder, he thinks.
This time, feeding Mika hurts. It cost tears and rage, Ginger’s lashes still clinging damply every time he blinks. It’ll be bandaged with guilt when he thinks to take care of it later; when he remembers that under his mended uniform, his back is full of long scratches that he doesn’t want Mika to see; when he remembers he owes Khun more than just a conversation or a knife to the neck.
He closes his eyes and waits. ]
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A new dream joins him tonight, though; the dream he saw in his last moments, before coming to this strange world. A peaceful night at the orphanage; talking with Yuu, way past their bedtimes. A monster attacking. Mika taking up a knife - all of them finding out that Mika's the monster, and has been all along.
Yuu doesn't make it out, this time.
He blames Mika, like he always should have.
But, like always, he didn't stop Mika, no matter how much he begged. No one ever stops him. No one ever puts him down. Why?
Why?
Mika rouses slow and languid, the curse heavy on his bones, but fading with every moment. He isn't much of anything as he does - not Mika, not a vampire - but the rich sensation that ripples from his tongue, beckons him awake before even the scent or sense of Ginger does. He doesn't begin to wake immediately. It still takes a little time, but he begins to come to.
Wanderer's charm, which is definitely not something I'm forgetting about at this juncture, keeps him steady as he stirs, his eyes opening slightly. He's hungry - hungry as hell, still, despite what he'd gotten off Jing Yuan, but he's still himself - mostly. He's exhausted, and groggy - barely awake, as the last of the curse leaves him.
With a tired hand, he reaches up for Ginger's wrist - not a fierce grip, like what he'd tried on Yamato, but one that tries to pull his palm against his lips, so he can lick the wound directly, as if it were a thing of honey.
Sweet... Sweet, and familiar, and all of this - soft.
Ah... )
... Ginger...?
( A dazed voice, but one used to speak of something safe - a fireplace, a warm bed on a rainy day, hot chocolate with a friend.
He's coming to, he's coming to... the shock and guilt will settle in a moment - until then, he can live blissfully unaware of the sin of existence. )
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[ Turning his upper body slightly to catch Mika waking, then he’s swinging his long legs over the bed to face him completely. It makes it easier to run his free hand through his hair, brushing it back from his forehead. Light touches as though right now Mika’s more fragile than he can bear.
His voice is back. Good. He’s aware enough to want more blood, to grab Ginger’s hand. Also good.
But Ginger thinks he should sleep more. He can feel how weak Mika is, the grip around his wrist has practically no strength at all. So he holds it closer for Mika; the other just needs to hold on.
(He’s so sad and guilty his body doesn’t even react to the licks this time.) ]
You can sleep some more, Mika.
/2
... Mm.
( The hands in his hair feel nice; Ginger's familiar scent around him, and the soft bed - it all feels like Ginger's embrace. He forgets he was dreaming at all. His hand at his wrist slips from Ginger, and falls back beside him. He could rest.
Jing Yuan's voice.
He's out of control. )
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He looks around - takes in the room barely - sees Ginger - sees no one else. )
Where—
( His voice comes raspy now that he's trying to force it after being so freshly healed. He forcibly swallows, his tongue thick with the taste of Ginger's blood (have some more, come on - he's still offering), and - Jing Yuan's, but - he's not sure whether or not there's anyone else's, did he drain—
Ginger.
He nearly stumbles getting from a sitting up position into on his knees, trying - to reach for his face, grab his face in his hands with his pathetic grip, look at him - scared for him, more than anything. )
Are you okay? Are you hurt? Is that— What's going to happen—
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Mika can reach for him how he wants, touch him how he wants. Ginger simply kneels there, bracing him, palm still bloody. His uniform is whole again, covering the damage Khun’s icicles had done to his back, only the line of one long jagged scratch peeks out from the back of his black collar. His eyes still haven’t recovered; the ink that darkens his sclera stopping short of full on one. But that’s a detail Ginger’s not aware of - he hasn’t taken a glance of himself yet.
(If he knew, he would have covered it up. He doesn’t want to add to Mika’s worries. Please, please… don’t worry about him. ) ]
This is - my room.
[ Eyes on Mika’s throat as it moves with speech. There’s a scar right on Mika’s pale skin, reminding Ginger: this is the line anyone can follow if they want to take Mika away from you, straight and easy. He swallows back - pure fear. ]
I’ll be okay. Everyone’s okay.
[ He doesn’t know that with any certainty; but… he thinks Solomon would have warned him. ]
Are you - no, you’re not okay. Mika, what can I do for you?
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You're not okay. ( He's not even thinking of the others - yet. He'll remember them soon. ) You're not. He hurt you— did you get healed? Does it hurt? What does it mean when your eye's like this?
( Barely thinking about how Ginger braces him, his weight leans forward, urgent - one hand keeping Ginger's face firm, the other drifing up until his thumb presses light at the corner of Ginger's crescent eye. )
Please... Please tell me.
( Their fear, mirrored back. )
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… And you’ll answer my question after? No, I didn’t get healed. I guess… technically it does hurt, but I just don’t care right now. Trust me, it hurt a thousand times worse… seeing the state you were in.
[ Then… something about his eye? He leans closer until he sees what’s reflected in Mika’s gaze. Oh. ]
I was angry. It means I was angry and I wanted to - [ His mouth clicks shut. But Mika had said please. ] I wanted to hurt him for hurting you. At least as much. And I needed more power to - to…
[ Ensure that every blow hurt, that every hit was felt. He doesn’t know how to say that he’d kill for Mika, knowing that would upset him. ]
So… that was me - improperly - unsealing my demon form. It probably didn’t work because I’m already in some messed up half-sealed state. … It’ll go away.
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He can't even heal. He can't do anything for Ginger. )
... I did this to you?
( That's what it comes down to, in the end. If Mika had never done any of this - hadn't gotten hurt - hadn't been here - Ginger would've never chosen to do these things, would've never felt hurt. He'd still be fine. )
... Never... Don't— don't ever do that again. Never, ever, ever. Okay? Please. If you'd died— if you'd been hurt, if they couldn't heal you— if they couldn't fix... What happens if you're all the way unsealed? I—
( He isn't worth it. Please don't do these things to yourself because of him. Please... )
... Please... don't go away.
( His hands fall so they're cupping Ginger's face again, like he's afraid if he lets go, Ginger will just - disappear. )
... We need to get you healing.
( He isn't even thinking about Ginger's questions for him - just Ginger, and making sure Ginger's okay. )
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[ He says it because Mika’s worth everything. ]
Okay, I pro - [ A wince and he starts over. ] I will. Later. I’ll go and let them bandage me up like a mummy if you want me to.
[ Just the part about healing, however. ]
But - listen, please. [ He grabs Mika’s hand with his uninjured one, bringing it to his lips. To draw attention to his words, to make sure Mika feels every single syllable said. ] It isn’t like that - it’s not something that’ll control me if I unseal it. I was angry, but that was all me. My demon form - or my angel form, those are just tools I can use. I’ve just… always been more of a demon so that’s what comes out when I’m acting on - pure instinct.
You don’t have to be afraid of me.
[ He doesn’t know what he’d do then. But he pushes through before his mind can take that scenario and create nightmares out of it. ]
… I love you. If anyone hurts you, of course I’m going to be upset.
[ Isn’t that… normal? That feels like the most normal part of Ginger right now. ]
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He told Yuu he loved him before he died. It almost feels like Ginger's saying good bye, too. )
... How could I ever be scared of you?
( His thumb presses light against Ginger's lips. Ginger said it - too, when Mika entered his frenzy, that time. Scared for you, not of you. Mika feels the same.
... He brings his face close - foreheads touching soft. Listen, listen, listen. )
... I trust you. I'm... sorry I scared you.
( Please allow him one apology. At least one.
If... Ginger says it's nothing that'll consume him - change him - take him away... as much as it argues with what Mika knows frok his world, he'll do everything he can to believe him.
His eyes are a little wet. A little moist. No tears, just - feeling, like rain shaking loose silt from the bottom of a lake. There are things he can explain - about Yuu-chan, and why it scared, scares him, but... later. Not right now. )
... I hate that someone hurt you; that you... got so hurt because of me. I'm okay only as much as you are. Okay? I'm never going to be okay if you're hurt when it's all over.
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[ As though Mika heard what was in his heart and gave it voice - for him. ]
I wish I could promise you everything you want. [ But he can’t. Or rather, he would - but if Mika finds out about the caveats on promises (if he didn’t already know)… ] I’m not trying to get hurt, especially because I know… that hurts you. But besides nearly killing you - he left a scar on your neck.
[ A mark on Mika when Mika is Ginger’s - family, most important person, his love. Everything.
Everything.
Everything. ]
And I’m… possessive. [ The word spat out unhappily. ]
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I'm not worth it, he wants to argue, again - not at all, not compared to you.
But somewhere in this haze of love and the scent of Ginger's blood fresh from his back, he doesn't want to let go of Ginger. He wants to stay right here.
Is that okay? Is he taking up someone else's spot? Someone better for Ginger? )
... Don't promise. We're not supposed to. ( He isn't sure if this means if Ginger knows about the promise caveat, but he'll check later. Right now, he's just... ) I believe you without it.
( He hears the conviction in Ginger's voice, and - feels at ease, knowing their feelings sync. That he doesn't have to argue with him to - stop - hurting himself, running off, maybe never coming back...
He doesn't know how to navigate Ginger's possessiveness, and he doesn't answer it first because he doesn't know at first which impulse to follow. His instinct: tell Ginger he can scar him, too. But he considers that his instinct hasn't always made Ginger happy. He thinks twice.
Honestly, it's - a strange hangup, but also strangely... endearing? That he's hung up on something so small. In this situation it's possessiveness, but.
... )
... Bite me. If you want. Over the scar - it won't hurt.
( Sorry he's bite-brained... but he clearly thought very hard about this (Mika...). It wouldn't be a permanent scar, so he thinks Ginger might not mind it as much... but marks might cover up the scar kind of? Maybe? )
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Or would Mika have realized this already? He’s in Ginger’s room, in Ginger’s bed. He trusts Ginger.
But Ginger can only be trusted to be himself - and what does that even mean? Does that guarantee that he’ll always put Mika first like he wants? When… when earlier, he had gone for Khun first. He wants to think it would have been different had there not been any healers, had he not seen Mika fuse himself back together, mending like a perfect stitch.
But that’s foolish (and yes, he’s a fool of the worst kind. Greedy, greedy. Selfish demon.) - because it wasn’t perfect this time. ]
… I don’t know if I can bite you. [ What he says, but he’s already crowding Mika. Nosing down his cheek to his neck. Biting is… a little too much for him. He wants to cherish Mika. ] Please… tell me what you want. What can I do for you?
[ What he knows, what he’s learned is… to search first with a hint of teeth. Next, when he hits the perfect spot, his tongue joins, lapping up skin along the raised texture of Mika’s scar. Slow and intentional, his foggy brain remembers. Then, at the edge of the scar, he presses his lips flushed against skin - warm from him? - and sucks gently. Then more insistently.
Familiar? He learned from Mika. ]
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( His voice comes soft and gasping and sudden, wholly off-guard - Ginger had said he couldn't bite, so he didn't know what else to expect. What else is there, if not for teeth? He'd forgotten entirely Ginger's tongue, his soft lips - even though he'd just touched them, their warmth still an imprint against his fingers.
His hands had fallen to the back of Ginger's neck, his nails, curling lightly in - smearing into his blood, if there is any so far up. This is— he wants...
He swallows, the taste of Ginger's blood fresh on his tongue. He wants Ginger to get a healer, but Ginger did this of his own volition - is this something he wants, too? )
... Keep going.
( Cover the scar. Like he said. It's fine if Ginger does it the way he feels comfortable with. )
... And after...
( He presses... his face to Ginger's hair, and closes his eyes. He wants Ginger to get a healer. He wants him to get fixed up - now. He wants...
In a quieter voice, wholly ashamed: )
... I want... the blood from your back, where he hurt you.
( ... Because he's just a monster, in the end. )
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Mika had said ‘keep going’, but Ginger can’t, Ginger shouldn’t -
He lines the rest of the scar with soft kisses - a compromise. They feel safer. Each one an apology he can’t say: sorry; sorry; sorry. (‘I didn’t mean to hear that sound you weren’t ready to make.’)
(‘It was beautiful.’)
Mika might not care about such things, but it’s not a little matter for Ginger. ]
… Yours, if you want it. Anything.
[ If Mika’s ready for him to pull back entirely, he does, head bowed - ashamed. He pulls off his sealing strap, then uniform shirt (somehow clean, somehow intact) to expose his back. His right shoulder is clear, as well as the lines of skin following the strap. The rest of him is a canvas for scattered cuts, raw in color. Like it had rained in razors and here’s Ginger, soaked in red without an umbrella.
He doesn’t remember it hurting then and he doesn’t feel it hurting now. ]
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He can guess why Ginger changed his method - it probably drifted a little too close to something sensual for him. And Mika - feels guilty, for provoking him when Ginger's been trying so hard to avoid it, for making Ginger feel so ashamed. But some part of him wishes - Ginger wouldn't hold back with him, so much.
Ginger carried the part of him Mika finds ugly and held it close. Mika... wants to do that for Ginger, too. He wants Ginger to let him.
But it's hard to keep hold of his thoughts and his sense when Ginger exposes his back to him - buffet that it is, every cut a sweet aroma that has tempted him even before his awakening. He feels like a slavering wolf; he feels like an animal. If he could drag his teeth along the spine, he could split him open like a fruit - each cut would join, and it'd all spill out, and it
But with Ginger, he just wants to be Mika.
He shifts on his knees, his neck still warm from Ginger's lips, and he leans in, bracing his hand against Ginger's shoulder - and leans forward, resisting temptation, pressing against Ginger's back, his mouth close to Ginger's ear. )
... Ginger.
( Soft but stern, to Ginger's bowed head. An earnest attempt to be heard. Listen, okay? Just listen. )
... There's nothing wrong with you. Not to me.
( He doesn't know if it's the right thing to say. All he can do is say what he thinks. With all his care and all his worry, he just hopes it's enough. )
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The problem is always Ginger, overcomplicating things. Twisting delicate lines into obscene shapes and then getting caught in his own web, his own mind. And he keeps dragging Mika into it.
He knows - Mika doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him. That is Mika’s truth. But Ginger knows he’s just all wrong, all the time. What gets him through anything is just how damn greedy he is despite knowing that.
Still he nods for Mika, head turning slightly as though he can’t help but be drawn even when he needs to turn away. Luring Mika in. He knows, he’s listening. He wants to listen to every sound.
He looks like he wants - a quiet sadness, a loud yearning. ]
You’re lovely.
[ Ginger loves him. ]
But I keep taking from you. What if I - kiss you on the lips next? Or press you down. It keeps growing - how much I want you. And you don’t mind now, but what about later?
[ What about Yuu?
… What about Rum…? Why is Ginger like this - ]
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that's
It reddens Mika's cheeks to his ears and his gaze falls, stirring him the same way every insistence of want from Ginger has before. It isn't, in some sense, unexpected - he had guessed Ginger had pulled away because of a perceived sensuality; he knew already Ginger struggled with these sensations and feelings and awkward things, some Mika would accidentally provoke. But it is very different to hear it all with straining clarity, with need echoed in Ginger's warmer breath, in the yearning in his eyes.
He doesn't know if he's ever been wanted so badly (maybe by Yuu, but surely not in this way), even if he knows it can't be only him. (Ginger's other friends, maybe - Rum, for sure...) Some great part of him worries he doesn't have enough to give - that Ginger will soon enough find the bottom of the well, and realize it was all shallower than he thought. He would have to return to these others - his friends, his Rum, to get his fill.
And Mika would think to himself then - serves me right. But he doesn't want Ginger to go, too. How ridiculous he is, that he wants to badly to suffer, but also be loved. And Ginger is made of it.
You're lovely. No one's ever told him that before. His fingers curl into Ginger's skin. )
... I don't have later. I only have now.
( If he survives this world, then he will be sent back with everyone else - right? And when he returns, he will return to where he was, surely. Without a name or memories or a body; he will be the malevolent spirit he'd always seen himself as.
But that future isn't here, yet. What can he do for Ginger? What can he do for him and his tender, bruised heart, who can't find himself comfortable with how giving is Mika's joy?
... )
... What about later, for you? If I thought about it, and later I said... I wanted it— what about you?
( This is... Ginger's guilt - his anxiety. Ginger's just as important as Mika, here. Does Mika make it worse, being around him? )
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[ Would Rum even care, when Rum is so disinterested in romance and relationships? Ginger can’t move on without Rum; does that require being in love though? Can Ginger let that go and keep the rest - the important parts of their friendship. The parts that Rum will allow?
(But what if one day, Rum gets tired of that, too?) ]
I refuse - to ever make you feel like you’re a mistake to me.
[ Ginger’s actions are often mistakes and he listens to all of the wrong parts of himself. But he thinks if Mika wanted, none of the things Ginger struggled with had to affect him - he could work harder on that. Slip up less, be more careful. He could hold back everything that’s Ginger and leave only what Mika deserves.
Which, would never be what Mika wants since he thinks he deserves even less than nothing.
But Mika - Mika is good. Too good for him. Mika is someone who, miracle of miracles, accepts all of Ginger. Even if he didn’t, Ginger believes… he deserves… love - in all forms. Everlasting, if Mika can find it in himself to accept it. ]
Whatever happens. You will always be important to me. Even - just holding hands - did you know it could feel that way? I didn’t, not until you.
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He and Ginger have been close - physically closer, even, than he's been to Yuu; intimacy is comfortable with Ginger, because Ginger took it early and Mika grew used to it. Ginger has been open with him; has set his bleeding heart in Mika's hands and has told him look, you can have this. Ginger has said he loves him. He says it again, here. He says there are these things he wants to do with him, that Mika is his most important - and he punctuates it now with but I can do this however you want this. It feels like - it feels like, he's saying those feelings don't matter. But they matter to Mika.
Mika doesn't need a label, exactly - there is no necessary shift in hierarchy between romance and sex and family, to him. His world has never been so complex, so large. What - frustrates him here, as warm as Ginger is to him, is how it feels like Ginger would reshape himself for him.
And it frustrates him, because Mika would do the same thing for him, too.
His fingers dig firm into Ginger's shoulders and he pulls him down - against the bed, against the soft and stained covers, and he looks down at him from above, and he snatches up his hand. He squeezes it, stubbornly. )
I love you, too. ( As family, as Ginger, as the most important person to him here. ) And I know you know I'd say the same things to you. I'd do this however you want it. I'd like you how you like it. And I know you know you wouldn't like that.
( So he's not happy!! Ginger is doing this either!!! Because they really are similar, they had it figured out their first meeting and then they started stumbling through it again. They're so stupid - really, really stupid, he thinks. )
I want to figure out a way for us to be that makes us both happy. Can I have that? I hate that you keep... pulling away from me. I know it's because you hate this part of you. But I want to be allowed to love it, too. I just... want to try— and I want to hear what you like, what you want. Your possessive thoughts, your heady thoughts. Eventually, even if it's not now.
( Their position's weird, but he makes it work - interlocking their fingers, like Ginger did to him that first day in Mika's room, in a way that's become more common since. )
Because you're the only one who's made me feel like I'm not just some ugly beast. And I want to do the same for you, too. If I get to have eternity, then I'm going to spend forever on it. I'll promise it, if I have to.
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It’s the way he would reshape himself for Ginger - and he’s right, Ginger does hate it.
He knows they shouldn’t have to do that for each other, but it’s habit by now. He should’ve chosen to be a demon long ago, but Rum likes angels. He’s terrible at angelic reformation, but that’s what it takes to stay Rum’s partner. He doesn’t think of these things as sacrifices, just what was necessary to keep Rum. And so far, Rum has accepted what he sees.
He doesn’t just want to be accepted; he wants to be loved.
And Mika is trying to love him as best he can. Has listened to Ginger’s heart and, somehow, only found himself lacking instead of Ginger. Which is crazy. He’s Mika. ]
You’d think… I would know better by now, when we keep telling each other the same things. [ Said like an apology. Mika has one hand, and Ginger reaches with his other to caress his face. It’s not just affection, there’s heat in his touch. ] Don’t promise, Mika - I love you, I’m listening.
Really listening this time.
I think we’ll keep stumbling, but you’ll catch me. [ He’s clumsy, it happens. ] And I’ll catch you. Instead of putting either one of us first, let’s try to put ourselves next to each other. How’s that - to start? Would that work?
And um. Lean down?
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And some part of him had resigned to a near future of trying to figure out how to help Ginger for him while Ginger held fast to his worries. And he would have been glad to do it, regardless. He would have forgiven Ginger, and not thought twice of it. Because he does care for Ginger that much. He's worth the cost.
But Ginger hears him, he thinks. He feels it in his touch, and he wants to believe it in his words. And some part of him hesitates, still - it needles him, and it asks him if he's really allowed to be equal with Ginger. Bright in Mika's heart, melting its ice. But despite its cruelty, he presses his cheek into Ginger's palm. He tries to hear Ginger's voice instead of his own. )
... Okay. ( He squeezes Ginger's hand, as much for himself as for Ginger. ) Okay.
( A hesitant beat. What should he say here? There's so much he feels - you make me really happy; thank you for trying to make this work out, with me; thank you for thinking so much of me, even though I don't deserve it - he could go on, and on. He might not even have the words for everything he feels.
But, when he tries to put it all together, what comes out is something a little quiet, a little vulnerable, and a strange sort of happy - a simple: )
... Thank you.
( And he does lean down, as far as he needs to until Ginger does whatever he's thinking of. )
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He had said once that he wanted to take care of Mika’s heart, something only possible because they’re similar enough. When he feels tethered by his own feelings, it’s Mika who reaches out, broaching the subject, careful of the tender gaps in his heart. It’s easier to speak then, and easier to listen and learn.
He’s okay with it if it takes another hundred years to learn everything about Mika. He’ll never get tired of it; he’s… eager.
Which - he’s never felt before. Learning another person - learning Rum was always associated with anxiety, a revelation of impending disappointment, and Ginger always stalls before disappointment becomes heartache becomes heartbreak.
His heart… aches a little now, in a new way.
His hand brushes past Mika’s cheek, sliding into his hair. He leans up as Mika leans down and meets the other in the middle. Light as a feather, delicate in touch, he kisses Mika. It may be a clumsy thing, a brief thing - he doesn’t know how to do it exactly right, not at this angle - but Mika wants to try loving this part of Ginger.
So carefully, just a little, he gives him this. ]
… Now you know that part.
[ If he still wants to try. But it’s okay if he doesn’t. ]
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Did he feel like this with Yuu? He isn't sure. Maybe. Probably. (He had always associated every good feeling with Yuu, in the end.) But he'd never done this with Yuu; had never thought this far, when keeping him alive was the preoccupying priority.
He hadn't thought of a kiss as more than a mechanical thing, either. He understood it as an impulse for Ginger to contend with, and an act Mika probably wouldn't mind. He hadn't thought of it as a conduit for feeling. He hadn't thought of it as something that could provoke this lingering fullness in the decaying caverns of his chest. Maybe for others, but never for him.
He feels like he's learning a little bit about these sorts of things he thought lost to him, with Ginger. Some of these things are a little bit overwhelming, and a little bit scary. Some of these things make him worried, and make him think he's unworthy. Ginger is a lot; he's right. But he can't find himself repelled. It feels a little like taking hold of the sun.
And that's okay. He's okay with it, so long as it's Ginger. )
... Ah...
( He gazes down at him, red-cheeked and eyes a little wide, and it's hard to see Ginger's face from this close, but he thinks - maybe, what he likes most is how Ginger looks now.
Almost a murmur, almost talking to himself: )
... I didn't know... a kiss could feel that way.
( A mirror of what Ginger had said earlier. And he would have to think on it, why Ginger could move his heart such that it felt almost like it could beat. (Because he's family, he wonders?) But later. Later. Right now... Right now...
His lips part again, and he hesitates, his gaze falling lidded. Would Ginger mind? Ginger can always say no - he hopes he knows that. Would it be okay to at least ask? )
... Can I learn a little more?
( Can I try to kiss you, too?— is what he means to say. )
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