[ That effectively gets him to look back up at Malice, right where they started from with, you know. Their faces being inches apart! It's not a big deal, it's not a big deal, it's not a big deal. ]
No, of course not.
[ Hm! Maybe he should've said yes. Maybe he should've said he was running a fever or something. But nope. Here he is, digging his own grave.
He turns his head slightly and looks away. Bad idea, with how much that exposes his blush. ]
[you'll never guess who also doesn't have dignity—
Anyway.]
Well yeah, I ain't used to it either, but it's nice, isn't it?
[He thinks it's nice. It's so nice he'd do it all the time if he could. Though maybe not around the others, that might be a little weird. Not embarrassing-weird just "they'll probably stare at us and make it weird" weird.]
He's speechless, but Malice will be able to hear Yamato take in a shaky breath. Not only is it surprising to know that he has the capability to make someone that happy, but something in his chest tells him that this is how things should be. This is how they were meant to be.
He can't promise Malice much, not just because he can't as a wizard, but he's an idol, he has people he needs to return to back home – but he would like to promise him that he'll always keep him close. Still, he knows better than to verbalize any of this, but he pulls his head off of Malice's shoulder.
For a moment, he just looks at him. He isn't even hugging his friend anymore, he's just...got his arm around him, holding him in place. Yamato cares about him so much that it's almost impossible for him to contain it. The feeling is foreign. Overwhelming. But it's warm.
He moves forward and lightly bumps their noses together, only for a second. ]
You gotta be careful with saying stuff like that, you know.
[He hears the breath, and he opens his eye when Yamato moves, head tipped slightly as if questioning if he said something wrong. He hesitated on saying it, sure, but that was more because he didn't want to bring up his depressing past in such a moment. But Yamato deserves to know that, he thinks.
Then Yamato bumps their noses together and Malice relaxes, grinning at the reprimand.]
You know me, I ain't careful 'bout a damn thing I say.
[No brain-to-mouth filter...]
You already know you mean a lot to me, so why would I hide somethin' like that?
[Because in his mind, it really is that simple. It's not like he's comparing this to a kind past, one with love and caring from others, he's comparing it to his disaster of a life up to this point, so anything would be better than being back home. But it does go beyond that, of course - after all, his close bond with Yamato is what caused him to admit to it in the first place. Sure, he'd be willing to tell the others, but things are different with Yamato. Yamato truly makes him this happy.]
[ ...he stops himself before he continues. What they have right now is good. He shouldn't want more. He can't...but he does. There's no way he can't see it, so he can acknowledge that, now. He can't ignore the warmth that keeps blooming in his chest.
Yamato knows better, but he's gone past the point of return. If he had more restraint, he'd have kept Malice at a distance, he'd have ran from any sort of physicality or closeness. He's an idiot for not exercising it, but if that means that they get to stay close in whatever proximity they'll allow, then this'll have been worth it.
He glances away. ]
If you don't...I'll keep on being greedy. I'll keep on wanting more from you.
[This feels like a revelation, despite the fact that he's pretty sure he already knew this. He makes Yamato happy, which is why Yamato was willing to put himself at risk in the first place. So it makes sense, and he knows it, and yet somehow it feels different hearing it now.
There's more to it than the words are conveying to him, then. He's not exactly sure how much more, but it's like he's teetering on the precipice of understanding, but not quite able to tip over the edge. He knows there's more to it than that.
What exactly does it mean, though? Would it kill Yamato to be more straightforward with his words, honestly...]
Well, yeah. I'd say it means somethin'. An' I'm glad to hear that I can make you that happy!
[...Nope, there it goes, the understanding sails right over his head yet again... Maybe eventually he'll get it.]
Would it kill Yamato to be more straightforward? Yeah. Yeah, it would. He's a dying man over here, Malice. He's thinking about burying himself in his bed and never emerging from it ever again, but he's in it now, and the fact that it's not clicking with Malice is at best, pretty frustrating. It's his own fault, though. Such is life when you spend most of it lying to other people.....
He pulls back, just enough so he can look at Malice in the eye. He smiles. He'll force himself to even if he feels himself falter. ]
I'm an idol, and these things are supposed to be off-limits...but it feels like I'd never forgive myself if I shut you out.
So...I'm happy with how things are now.
[ A beat. ]
But I think there's room for me to be more with you, at the same time.
Not even Malice can miss it this time and he pauses, eye wide as he takes that in. Yamato is interested in him. Of course that would explain a few things - it's not like cuddling with your human in this close proximity is a normal thing, after all - and the weight of it feels like it's going to simply crush him.
Yamato is interested in him. He makes Yamato happy as things are now, but they could push this even further. They could be together. That's something Yamato would want, despite knowing so much of Malice's past, despite knowing that he's been terribly cruel to people who trusted him before.
But he wants to be better, and Yamato knows that too. And he's willing to trust Malice with this, to reach out a hand and not shy away from the possibility of being rebuffed.
—And really, shouldn't he rebuff him? Even though Malice is trying to do better, there's no guarantee that he won't hurt Yamato. And he even said this was supposed to be off-limits! So isn't it a bad idea? Isn't it too much, for both of them? Wouldn't things be better staying as they are?]
I...
[For once, words fail him. There's a flush rising to his cheeks as he realizes just how badly he's missed the mark on this one and while it is partially due to embarrassment, it's also due to... well, just how fast his heart is hammering in his chest.
(Is that why Yamato's heartbeat has been fluctuating? Because he's feeling something similar?)
It's a lot to take in. It's a lot to process. And really, he's not sure how to respond.]
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[ That effectively gets him to look back up at Malice, right where they started from with, you know. Their faces being inches apart! It's not a big deal, it's not a big deal, it's not a big deal. ]
No, of course not.
[ Hm! Maybe he should've said yes. Maybe he should've said he was running a fever or something. But nope. Here he is, digging his own grave.
He turns his head slightly and looks away. Bad idea, with how much that exposes his blush. ]
You have no concept of being embarrassed, do you?
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'Course not. No need for that!
[Does this seem like a man who knows embarrassment.]
But that was my other guess! So good to know I was right!
[...please don't sound so proud of failing to get a 50/50 right.]
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Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Not like I need to tell you why.
[ Haha...jk...unless? ]
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[ Maybe he shouldn't have said that so loudly because ouch, injury. After a moment though, he closes his eyes and furrows his brow. ]
...Just not used to being so close to someone. That's all.
[ Among other things, but that's all Malice needs to know.
He'll go ahead and hide his face in Malice's shoulder again. ]
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Anyway.]
Well yeah, I ain't used to it either, but it's nice, isn't it?
[He thinks it's nice. It's so nice he'd do it all the time if he could. Though maybe not around the others, that might be a little weird. Not embarrassing-weird just "they'll probably stare at us and make it weird" weird.]
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[ His voice is a little muffled since he's got his head buried and all, but he ends up pulling Malice closer again. ]
It's nice 'cause it's with you.
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Yeah. That's how I feel too.
[And he's perfectly content to stay right here.]
haha you thought i was SLEEPING?
Once again, he'll touch his nose to Malice's cheek. ]
Oh? I make you happy?
[ He phrases it as if it's something light-hearted, but he's being sneaky about his need to hear it for himself. ]
smh coco i trusted you???
Yeah. 'Course you do. I think...
[He trails off for a moment, not sure if he should continue with that before deciding why the hell not.]
...This's the happiest I've ever been.
:)
He's speechless, but Malice will be able to hear Yamato take in a shaky breath. Not only is it surprising to know that he has the capability to make someone that happy, but something in his chest tells him that this is how things should be. This is how they were meant to be.
He can't promise Malice much, not just because he can't as a wizard, but he's an idol, he has people he needs to return to back home – but he would like to promise him that he'll always keep him close. Still, he knows better than to verbalize any of this, but he pulls his head off of Malice's shoulder.
For a moment, he just looks at him. He isn't even hugging his friend anymore, he's just...got his arm around him, holding him in place. Yamato cares about him so much that it's almost impossible for him to contain it. The feeling is foreign. Overwhelming. But it's warm.
He moves forward and lightly bumps their noses together, only for a second. ]
You gotta be careful with saying stuff like that, you know.
[ But he sounds incredibly fond, nevertheless. ]
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Then Yamato bumps their noses together and Malice relaxes, grinning at the reprimand.]
You know me, I ain't careful 'bout a damn thing I say.
[No brain-to-mouth filter...]
You already know you mean a lot to me, so why would I hide somethin' like that?
[Because in his mind, it really is that simple. It's not like he's comparing this to a kind past, one with love and caring from others, he's comparing it to his disaster of a life up to this point, so anything would be better than being back home. But it does go beyond that, of course - after all, his close bond with Yamato is what caused him to admit to it in the first place. Sure, he'd be willing to tell the others, but things are different with Yamato. Yamato truly makes him this happy.]
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[ ...he stops himself before he continues. What they have right now is good. He shouldn't want more. He can't...but he does. There's no way he can't see it, so he can acknowledge that, now. He can't ignore the warmth that keeps blooming in his chest.
Yamato knows better, but he's gone past the point of return. If he had more restraint, he'd have kept Malice at a distance, he'd have ran from any sort of physicality or closeness. He's an idiot for not exercising it, but if that means that they get to stay close in whatever proximity they'll allow, then this'll have been worth it.
He glances away. ]
If you don't...I'll keep on being greedy. I'll keep on wanting more from you.
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Malice's expression is usually an open book, and the confusion present in it probably completely ruins the mood here.]
Wantin' more from me? What d'ya mean?
[........................he's an idiot i'm so sorry yamato.]
1/.
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done
Don't worry about it.
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He feels like he maybe should be worried given the pause???]
Alright, if you say so.
[You can still practically hear the (unsure) though, even as he settles against Yamato again easily.]
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He pauses and considers this. ]
... I can tell you anything, right?
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'Course you can. You know I'll always listen.
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[ He doesn't entirely know what he's saying. His mind's racing, but. ]
I'm starting to realize...I'm happiest when I'm around you. I just think that means something.
[ ... ]
That's all.
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There's more to it than the words are conveying to him, then. He's not exactly sure how much more, but it's like he's teetering on the precipice of understanding, but not quite able to tip over the edge. He knows there's more to it than that.
What exactly does it mean, though? Would it kill Yamato to be more straightforward with his words, honestly...]
Well, yeah. I'd say it means somethin'. An' I'm glad to hear that I can make you that happy!
[...Nope, there it goes, the understanding sails right over his head yet again... Maybe eventually he'll get it.]
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Would it kill Yamato to be more straightforward? Yeah. Yeah, it would. He's a dying man over here, Malice. He's thinking about burying himself in his bed and never emerging from it ever again, but he's in it now, and the fact that it's not clicking with Malice is at best, pretty frustrating. It's his own fault, though. Such is life when you spend most of it lying to other people.....
He pulls back, just enough so he can look at Malice in the eye. He smiles. He'll force himself to even if he feels himself falter. ]
I'm an idol, and these things are supposed to be off-limits...but it feels like I'd never forgive myself if I shut you out.
So...I'm happy with how things are now.
[ A beat. ]
But I think there's room for me to be more with you, at the same time.
[ Yeah. That...that feels right. ]
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Oh.
Not even Malice can miss it this time and he pauses, eye wide as he takes that in. Yamato is interested in him. Of course that would explain a few things - it's not like cuddling with your human in this close proximity is a normal thing, after all - and the weight of it feels like it's going to simply crush him.
Yamato is interested in him. He makes Yamato happy as things are now, but they could push this even further. They could be together. That's something Yamato would want, despite knowing so much of Malice's past, despite knowing that he's been terribly cruel to people who trusted him before.
But he wants to be better, and Yamato knows that too. And he's willing to trust Malice with this, to reach out a hand and not shy away from the possibility of being rebuffed.
—And really, shouldn't he rebuff him? Even though Malice is trying to do better, there's no guarantee that he won't hurt Yamato. And he even said this was supposed to be off-limits! So isn't it a bad idea? Isn't it too much, for both of them? Wouldn't things be better staying as they are?]
I...
[For once, words fail him. There's a flush rising to his cheeks as he realizes just how badly he's missed the mark on this one and while it is partially due to embarrassment, it's also due to... well, just how fast his heart is hammering in his chest.
(Is that why Yamato's heartbeat has been fluctuating? Because he's feeling something similar?)
It's a lot to take in. It's a lot to process. And really, he's not sure how to respond.]
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closes my eyes
yams.......
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